Single Girl Slays Debt

Paying Off Tsunami-Sized Debt as a Single Woman

Archives for September 2019

I Used to Have a Job

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I used to have a job. I hated it. 

Many employees believe getting a job is the safest and most secure way to support themselves. 

Morons.

~ Steve Pavlina, 10 Reasons You Should Never Get a Job, StevePavlina.com
Audio version of this blog, read by the author.

I started my attorney career as an Associate at a large law firm. In Lawyerland, we call this a “Big Law” job. A Big Law firm typically has at least 100 attorneys, has offices in many different cities, and carries a name that is prestigious. They recruit from the top schools and most top school students are competing for jobs at these firms. An Associate job at one of these firms is a position that is characterized by extremely long hours (an Associate is often expected to bill – not just work – between a minimum of 2,000 hours up to 2,300 hours per year), and assignments designed to be completed by the lowest rungs on the totem pole. Though the hours are long and the expectations are high, it pays well. When I was an Associate, my annual salary was in the low $100,000s. As far as Big Law went, it was a nice place to work. I had a supervisor that was a smart and kind man. I also considered the office to be a collegial environment. Nonetheless, it was still Big Law. I felt like I was supposed to be working all of the time, so even my down time wasn’t peaceful or restful because I felt that I should be in the office. I also felt the pressure of trying to navigate the balance necessary to advance at the firm. In addition to the billable hour requirement, I needed to do pro bono work and participate in company initiatives. I  was there for only a year, which was long enough to not be considered derelict, but no longer than I was willing to tolerate.  

I then went to a technology company, where I stayed for a number of years.  This is the job I hated. Aside from being grateful that it put food on my table, I . . . HATED . . . IT. This was not some sexy, flip-flop-wearing, nap pod having kind of technology company. It was headed by a middle- aged guy who wore slacks, dress shoes and a button down every day. Though some of the lower-ranked employees damn near wore pajamas to work, it wasn’t because they were brilliant and cool; it was because they were content with being mediocre. Though I had high hopes when I first started in the position, I quickly learned that the culture of the company had an underlying toxicity and that the values of my department head weren’t aligned with mine. This is a place where I was told by my supervisor the following:

Single Girl . . . We know that where you come from, you’re used to producing Cadillac level work. But, we are in the business of producing Hondas.

Nuff said. That’s when it became a job – just a job – and nothing more. 

Single Girl . . . We know that where you come from, you’re used to producing Cadillac level work. But, we are in the business of producing Hondas.

~ Supervisor I Couldn’t Stand

I worked there, unhappy for several years. Of course, that is no one’s fault but my own. I often ate lunch at my desk where I would peruse the Internet. One article that I came across and read many , many times while at the job was Steve Pavlina’s, “Ten Reasons to Never Get a Job” (at that time I naively believed that an incognito window was truly incognito in the workplace). I could relate to all of the reasons in his list. It all made so much sense to me. He wrote about how having a job is “dumb” because it only allows a person to earn money while actively working. He noted that employees only get a fraction of the real value they generate because so much money needs to go to company overhead and owner and investor returns. Most importantly, he pointed out how silly it is to put yourself in a situation where one person can, literally, turn off all of your income immediately. It all made so much sense to me. Not only did I despise doing what I was doing where I was doing it; I also thought I was being the fool about which Steve wrote because I had so little control over my income. 

At work, I would walk by the windows (because, unlike my Big Law job, this one didn’t provide me with a window office of my own), watching the cars that would drive by in the middle of the day. I would wonder what those people did that would allow them to be traveling the freeway at 2 p.m., merrily going about their day. I fantasized about what it would be like to be able to be somewhere else, besides in my cubicle on a random, sunny weekday afternoon. For all I knew, those people could have all be disgruntled sales people or cable installers, exhausted by driving around in their car all day. But, when I romanticized about their lives,  they were entrepreneurs. Or stay-at-home moms. Or, independently wealthy folks who simply had time on their hands. The bottom line was that they were people who, unlike me, were in control of their time. Since they were in control of their time, they could be on the freeway driving about in the middle of the day! They were taking long lunches at cloth napkin restaurants. They were doing early afternoon yoga classes. They were getting to drink alcohol during business hours – all things that I couldn’t do. 

I wanted to be one of those people. Free. Moving about, not being a “manager” who sat in a cubicle. 

Then, one day, a miracle of God occurred. The company had been going through an extremely slow period and I and the only other attorney at the company could see the writing on the wall. Our department couldn’t last indefinitely with there being no work. Things were so slow that employees were allowed to openly read a book at their desk or be on social media sites. The other attorney and I weren’t willing to sit by idly for the place to fall apart. So, we came up with an idea for a side hustle service business – one that we, as licensed attorneys, could do, but that the company did not or could not. We had no clients, we weren’t making any money. We just had the thing ready to go, in the event that we lost our jobs due to a lack of work. 

One morning, I was called into a conference room before I began my usual day at work. I was advised by my supervisor that the company would be terminating me on account of this other business that we had created – this non-income-producing, no client-having business – and that the termination was effective immediately. Though I assured them that there was no legitimate conflict of interest, that was the end of the road. I  was terminated. 

After I gathered my things (of which there weren’t many because I never felt attached to the place and, therefore, didn’t have much there by way of personal belongings), and got into the car, I called the other attorney. 

“Did you just get fired?!” she asked. 

“Yes, girl!” I responded. 

“Me, too!” She replied. 

“Meet me at our usual Starbucks,” I said. 

We’ve never looked back.  Prior to this, I had not ever been fired from a job. For the one time I was fired to be due to me being a hustler . . . I’ll take it, unapologetically. We later learned that the department wanted to move to lower-cost contract labor. Did I and my attorney friend have any recourse? Nope. Not in my state. Were we both happy to be out of that place? Fo’ sho. Did we need to, literally, be pushed out? Unfortunately, yes.

I now have my own law firm. It is my main source of income and has been so since 2012. This has given me the gift of having control over my time and my income. Though I’m so glad that I work for myself, it is no easy task. It has been a hustle – an eat what you kill kind of hustle. Yes, it is a full-time hustle, but it is a hustle nonetheless. There is no guaranteed salary check every 2 weeks. No 401k contribution match. No paid vacation. I’m responsible for the handling of all of these things.

Some of what has made this a hustle are my practice areas. I don’t practice in any of those areas of law that produce major income windfalls, like personal injury or workers’ compensation. In those areas, a lawyer generally gets 30 to 33% of whatever is recovered. So, if a client is seriously injured in an accident and receives a $1.5M settlement, the lawyer can expect to receive around $450,000 of that. My practice doesn’t work at all like that. There are no major windfalls. Clients pay for the particular service they need. 

The other part that makes this a hustle for me is that I didn’t know how to run a business or how to be full-time self employed person. I’ve made a ton of mistakes. Obviously. And I’m still trying to figure this thing out. Frankly, since my business isn’t at the point at which it can continue to operate in my absence, I’ve basically, created a job for myself. Though me being the boss of me is better than someone else being the boss of me, it’s not the end game. It’s a step in the right direction, but the girl has a long way to go. 

I’ve learned a lot and am constantly learning. I will share those lessons in future posts. In case you’re wondering, the other attorney from my former job is delighted that she was fired. She makes a strong part-time income working for herself. She is married to a high-income-producing man and had some well-ingrained solid financial principles under which she’s been operating for years. She doesn’t have to work and she and her husband have made smart decisions that have put them in an extraordinary financial position. 

We know that I’m in no such position.  At least I can take a midday drive or have an afternoon martini if I’d like.

Homeownership: A Speed Bump on My Debt Free Journey

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Though I knew this debt-free journey wouldn’t be completely sans obstacle, I didn’t expect to get challenged so quickly. I’m just barely getting started! This week, when I was presented with some major home maintenance costs, I was reminded that this road will not be smooth.

Audio version of this blog post, read by the author.

“When you own a home and you’re broke, it is a curse financially. Homeownership by broke people makes them broke-r.”

~ Dave Ramsey, Dave Ramsey Show

I totally understand why Dave Ramsey suggests that broke people not buy houses. I also am completely on board with the reason Robert Kiyosaki encourages us to not view our principal residences as investments. When you are not renting, home care and maintenance costs are your own responsibility. When something isn’t functioning properly or breaks, the homeowner usually must identify and pay a service provider or fix it themselves. No leasing maintenance department will come to the rescue. Unlike an apartment dweller, a homeowner can’t just make a call and schedule service – at least, no broke homeowner who doesn’t have money in the bank. As Kiyosaki states, unlike a true real estate asset, my residence doesn’t produce income. I pay to live here. Until I eventually sell, assuming that the value continues to increase, I won’t see the true upside. I’m not complaining, because I truly believe there will be a financial upside to owning this condo (see below). I’m just saying that I can see things for what they are.

“If all your money is tied up in your house, you may be forced to work harder because your money continues blowing out of the expense column, instead of adding to the asset column, the classic middle class cash flow problem.”

~ Robert Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad

While I like my space and the convenience of my downtown location, this thing comes with responsibilities, beyond the mortgage payments (1st and 2nd mortgages, totaling $1,045.41 per month) and the HOA dues ($282.43 per month). Since I’ve moved back into my condo late last year, I’ve been very strategic and thoughtful about the handling of maintenance. I spent most of 2018 living in a high rise luxury apartment in a different area of town – an area in which I’ve wanted to experience and reside in for years.  I called it my little “experiment.” It was an $1,850 per month (for a 1 bedroom!) experiment. I leased my condo to a tenant during that time for $1,620 per month. As the end of my lease and the lease with my tenant neared, I decided to move back into my condo. Though I would have loved to stay in my high-rise luxury apartment with concierge and valet dry cleaning services, I was coming to terms with the reality of my financial situation, and I moved out of the apartment and back into my condo.

Thankfully, Single Girl has generous man friends who prove themselves to be helpful. When I moved back into my condo, a friend of mine kindly (and without solicitation) bought me a new stove, 2 new ceiling fans, and a couple of other fixtures that needed to be replaced. (Yes, this was truly a friend. Though he expressed an interest in dating, we weren’t dating and weren’t physical in any way.) In recent weeks, my ex (who has been my friend since I was a child, and a friend for way more years that he was ever a boyfriend), fixed my dishwasher. I would have had to replace it, were it not for his determination to figure out what was wrong with the 19-year-old thing. About a month ago, Mr. Nice For Now fixed a leak I had in my toilet. He discovered the source of the leak, went to the store the next morning to buy the necessary part, then installed it for me. Whew! Thank God for man friends!

Before I even get into the recent home-related expenses being thrown my way, let me say that my mortgage payment just recently increased by over $200 per month, mostly on account of significant tax increases on both the county and city levels. Since my lender requires that tax payments be escrowed, I pay the increased amount every month, as tacked on to the principal and interest charges for my 1st mortgage. Apartment dwellers don’t usually experience such a significant increase in rent. For those of us who pay property taxes as homeowners, these kind of increases can occur.

New Issues On The Homefront

(1) The Air Conditioning Unit

This week, I was presented with bigger issues than a toilet or dishwasher. Lately, my air conditioning unit has not been cooling as well as it should. A new A/C unit was installed about 7 years ago (cost: $6,500, but Single Girl’s boyfriend at the time owned a construction company, so she didn’t end up paying for any of it), but I haven’t had it serviced since then. Sure, I’ve had the filters replaced, but haven’t really had someone come to inspect it and see if anything needed to be fixed or adjusted on it. Part of the reason it hasn’t gotten as much attention as is probably should is that part of  the thing is located on top of my bathroom and the other part of the unit is located on the rooftop of our condo building. There’s no ladder or fire escape that goes to the rooftop, so it’s always a production when any service provider needs to get up there. With the unit not cooling well lately, I decided to get someone to come out and look at it. 

The A/C unit is the big green thing on the left side at the top of the image. It sits on top of the bathroom.
The air duct over the bathroom connects to the A/C unit.

Long story short: the first provider I had come and look at the unit tells me that the unit has a leak (although he doesn’t know exactly where it is) and that the unit is extremely low on coolant. The coolant is $95 per pound, and it looks like I’ll probably need at least 3 pounds. There are some other issues with the unit, including some rusty coil thingamajiggy. All in, the costs look like this:

  • Leak Detection $430.25
  • Leak Seal $207.90
  • Coolant $95.00 per pound (3 pounds = $285)
  • Replacement Coil $2,550.00
  • TOTAL $3,473.15

Or, as the technician suggested, I should just consider replacing the unit entirely. As I mentioned, a new unit would be somewhere between $6,000 and $7,000. I paid the provider $99 for the cost of diagnosis and sent him on his way.

I usually get more than one quote when I’m having work done, so I got a referral from Mr. Nice for Now. His guy had much better news. To my delight, he didn’t even mention the possibility of replacing the entire unit or the rusty coil thing. He ended up putting 4.2 pounds of coolant (his price was only $55 per pound) into my unit, which should get me through the remainder of the summer and into the early part of 2020. This will buy me some time so that I can properly plan and save up for the fixing of the leak. I ended up paying him $320 for the diagnosis, the coolant, and the labor associated with putting the coolant in the unit. The system is now cooling well.

For September, I only budgeted $250 to diagnose the issue. I ended up spending a total of $419. To cover the budget shortfall, I took some money out of a sinking fund I have designated for personal care.

(2) Condominium Special Assessment

I also received news this week that I need to be prepared for a multi thousand dollar special assessment by my condominium association. Our building needs a new roof. Though we’ve known that the roof would, eventually, need to be addressed, we didn’t realize that it would need to be addressed so soon. Over the years, we’ve had it patched and repaired in pieces only to find that our patchwork approach caused additional damage. At this point, several of the units in the building (not mine, though) are experiencing leaking whenever there is a heavy rain.

In our homeowners’ association (“HOA”) meeting this week, the HOA Board presented potential solutions to the roof problem. The roof is going to cost $90,000 to replace. There are only 14 units in our building. Do the math on that. Each unit owner is going to be responsible for over $6,000 for this roof! The primary solution the Board is proposing is a special assessment for each owner’s proportionate share of the roof replacement. The Board is going to present more details in the upcoming weeks, including how payments can be made on this.

Single Girl, Why Don’t You Just Refinance?

The current Zillow value of my condo is $277,128. I owe $107,649  on it. Given the amount of equity in the home, one would think it would make sense to refinance and pay off about $150,000 of my debt.

(1) The terms of my modification would require that I share the “income” with the bank 50/50. Several years ago, I modified my loan. It was at a time when the market was still way down and people were buying similar units to mine in my building for less than half of what I paid. Since I’m a lawyer, and I actually read some things, I saw that the terms of my modification required me to hold on to the property for a number of years before selling or refinancing. If I didn’t wait for the requisite period of time, I would have to split any sale or refinance proceeds with the bank. I’m not willing to do that. I’ll just wait. The time period expires in 2021. That gives me time to continue to work through this debt repayment journey.

(2) I wouldn’t want to encumber my home on account of credit card debt or car debt. If I were to default on my credit cards, the credit card companies couldn’t foreclose on my home.

(3) I don’t want to use any of the equity in my home to help me clean up my mess. I want to use the next several years to develop the habits that I’ll need in order to have a productive and healthy financial life, moving forward. I want to use this time to become disciplined about using a budget, become accustomed to making sound financial decisions, and planning for the future. When I sell my home, I want that equity to be a gift to myself for working hard and taking my debt free journey seriously.

Now I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to come up with the money to cover both the assessment and the repair of the air conditioning unit.

The Manscape

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Though fiscal responsibility and debt repayment are my main focus right now, those aren’t the only parts of my life. I am still a single girl – a single girl who doesn’t intend to remain unattached forever.  My last relationship, technically, ended in February of 2017, but I haven’t seen that joker since December of 2016. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up. I feel no type of way about it. He was a wonderful man in many ways and a complete nightmare in some others. Nonetheless, I believe I’m better for having been in that relationship. My hope is that he feels the same way.

Audio version of this blog post, read by the author.

The Gift of Indifference

Now I find myself in a unique position. I really don’t care about being in a relationship. Let me keep it all the way real: I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I’ve been feeling this way for about a year. This doesn’t come from an “I don’t need no man” kind of position. I really love men. It’s more of a feeling that the demands of a relationship – right now – aren’t a great fit for my life. If I was already in a relationship, it would be a different conversation. But, I’m not and I don’t feel any hunger or inclination to enter into one at this time.

I can’t recall having ever been this way in my dating life.  Until recently, my interest in being in a committed relationship has been consistent throughout my adult life. I’ve had several periods of time during which I wasn’t a girlfriend, but during much of that time, I wanted to be someone’s girlfriend. 
Most would say that for me to not care about being in a relationship is kinda bonkers for a 40-something single, childless gal like myself. When I say that I’m not interested in that right now, I’m being 100% forthright. The last time I even really, really liked someone was about 18 months ago – and he was an ex of mine who re-appeared on the scene.

In·dif·fer·ent 
Adjective

Having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.

~ Oxford Dictionary

I don’t take credit for this blessing of indifference. It is a gift from God. It has to be because I’ve never really been this way. Though I haven’t been the type of girl to have a boyfriend just for the sake of saying that I have one, I do enjoy being in a relationship and I take being one’s romantic partner very seriously. I feel that if I’m in a relationship with a man, it is my job to make his life better, easier. Otherwise, why am I there? The same is true vice versa. 

I classify my indifference as a blessing because there is freedom in aloofness.  It feels amazing to not pine after a particular person or thing . . . to not be attached to any particular outcome. This position allows one to take actions and make decisions from a position of strength and genuineness – not based on fear or concern about what someone will think or whether that person will like or accept you for who you are. I truly consider this to be a gift because I’m not built like this. Really, I’m not. I, myself, am pretty amazed at my level of indifference I have right now.

As I’ve learned, a kind, but aloof woman, is also quite sexy to men. It adds to a woman’s confidence. Apparently, a woman over the age of 30 who doesn’t present even a hint of desperation is a little less common than one would think. A woman who doesn’t change her plans for a last minute 10 p.m. “date” with some dude who acts like he might like her a little bit is refreshing. A woman who isn’t so eager for attention that she acts as if she didn’t have a life before she met ol’ boy 5 minutes ago is intriguing. It’s particularly intriguing for men who do well for themselves, are attractive and are used to women responding very favorably and quickly to them. 

“The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care that much.”

~ Sherry Argov, Why Men Love Bitches

Dating and Dollas

I’ve got a mountain of debt to pay off. I use the EveryDollar budgeting tool. My EveryDollar budget doesn’t include a dating line item. So I don’t have funds allocated to paying for dates. Occasionally, I’ll pay a tip or pay for some other low-cost item on a date. I usually take that money from the funds I’ve allocated for pocket change. 

I’m traditional in many ways, so I don’t feel inept by not paying for dates. I’m the girl. He’s the guy. I don’t feel like a loser by not paying for us to go out. Frankly, if I felt an obligation to pay for dates, I simply wouldn’t do much, if any, dating.  Though I enjoy dating, and am glad that I’m dating and have solid relationships with guys, I’m not hungry or desperate for any of it. So, if I date – great! If I don’t, that’s fine, too. Were I to find myself faced with the decision to either start spending or stop dating, I’d stop dating. Since I’m indifferent to being in a relationship right now, that’s an easy decision for me.

My goal of getting out of debt trumps any short-term desire for male companionship. As I move along my debt-free journey, I’m working on becoming the person I want to show up as when it’s time for me to be in my next relationship. What that version of me looks like, I’m not entirely sure. What I do know for sure is exactly who I don’t want my future me to be at that time – a chic bringing $350,000 of debt to the table.

My Man Foundation

I’m fortunate to have some great relationships with amazing, solid men. Foundationally, my father and I are close, we get along very well, and I love him tremendously. Though he never really spoke a lot about relationships when I was young, what he did say and demonstrate became well-ingrained in my “this is what I should do and how things should be” psyche.  As one who has been married three times, he’s not the example for #marriage goals. But, what he did do was teach me from an early age what it meant to have a man whose word I could rely upon. If my father said that he was going to do something, he did it. If he said he was going to be somewhere, he was there. I always felt safe and secure around him. Unlike many of the women I know, I grew up not experiencing disappointment from the man who was the most important to me. He has given me confidence in my belief that there are great – albeit not perfect – men around – men who do what they say they will do, who respect and appreciate women, who value a healthy romantic relationship, who believe in marriage, and who believe in their role of being providers for their families. So, in my dating life, I expect a man to do what he says he will, and I expect him to be where he says he will be – and when. I’m not accustomed to being disappointed by men; disappointment is an exception. And though I clearly have some issues, daddy issues are not among them.  

My little broski and I are also very close. He’s a very loving and thoughtful man. Between my father, my broski, some of the other men in my family, and my friends, I feel like I have a pretty healthy view on guys. I truly believe in the goodness of men. I don’t subscribe to rhetoric regarding the lack of good, available men. There may not be an abundance of such guys, but they do exist. I know and date some of them. 

Then, there’s my crew of friends – the ones that are truly just friends, and the ones that would be glad to be a friend until it could be more. I’m really grateful for these guys. With them in my life, I don’t feel any lack for male attention. I’m thinking I will introduce you all to them some time in the future. 

Mr. Nice for Now

I’m seeing someone now, consistently, but . . . it’s not serious. I can’t believe I’m even writing that because me and “consistent, but not serious,” have never gone together. Either it was consistent and serious or it was nothing.  

A situationship is delightful to me right now. You mean, you won’t feel obligated to send me a “Good morning babe” text message every day? You mean, I don’t have to talk to you every day? You mean, I don’t have to engage in my normal next-level fabulous girlfriend routine? What?! Great. Good. I don’t have time for that right now anyway. This seems to be working out well for both of us. I’m focused on a particular goal. He’s not too far out of a tough marriage break up (about 2 years). Though he’s made it clear that he doesn’t love the fact that he’s had to get back out into the dating world, I get the feeling that he wants to take plenty of time to be and do as he wishes – without being attached or obligated to anyone but his child. Whatever the case, over the several months that we’ve been dating, he’s said nothing about defining our interaction or being in a committed relationship. I have not either. 

Mr. Nice for Now is respectful, thoughtful, appears to be fiscally responsible, takes his role as a father to his daughter very seriously, and is reliable. I respect him. I like him. We have fun dates and enjoy the time we spend together. We see each other about every other weekend, with periodic meet-ups in between. He treats me well. For example, tonight we have a date to go to the gun range. This morning, he sent me the following text:

“Good morning, Sweetie. How’s it going? I plan on making dinner tonight and was wondering if salmon, lobster tails, shrimp cocktail and salad will be fine with you.”

Text Message, Mr. Nice for Now

The goodness of men must be acknowledged. :0)

What I love about my thing with Mr. Nice For Now is that whatever it is that we’re doing is, we both seem to understand the rules. He knows that I’m not some cut buddy that he can just text at midnight and ask, “Hey, can I come over?” He knows there’s more work involved with this. (Seriously, if sex is all a man wants from me, he learns quickly that I’m not the path of least pussy resistance. His time is better spent barking up another lady tree.)  He knows that we’re dating. Dating requires dates. Not house, Netflix and chill dates, either. I’m talking about go outside and be somewhere dates. 

He also knows that what he gets from me is easy breezy companionship with no demands. He knows that I’m not going to run behind him at all. At all. (I’m not runnin’ behind none of these dudes. If you want me, you want me. If you don’t, that’s fine. But I’m not going to try to convince, cajole, call you consistently, send you text messages, send you text messages pretending that they were intended for someone else in hopes of getting your attention, or any of those other actions that would be classified as “thirsty.” I’m not judging thirsty. I’m just saying that I’m not thirsty.) I’m not going to call him every day. I’m not going to text him morning, noon and night. I’m not going to ask him any questions about who he’s seeing. I’m not going to complain that I’m not seeing him enough (regardless of how often I see him or don’t). I don’t leave items at his house or in his car – ever. He didn’t even see my place for the first time until we had been dating for about 5 months. I’m not going to ask him to pay my bills. Most importantly, I’m not going to even think of forming my lips to ask, “What are we?”

I don’t know what we are but – whatever it is – it’s working for me. It’s also working for him. How do I know?  Because we know that men do what works for them. They’re wonderfully gifted at getting their needs met. When something stops working for them, they disengage. I’m not mad at him or any of his brethren for that, either. If we women aren’t getting our needs met, that’s something on which we need to work. We can’t be mad at the guys for having that part figured out. So, until I manifest Vortexy Next Dude, this works well for me.   

Mr. Vortexy Next Dude

While Mr. Nice for Now is working out okay for me, “okay” isn’t that to which I aspire. I’d like to manifest something new and different – a situation that will eventually lead to something serious. I’ve got a very clear picture of the man I want to have in my life during this phase of my life and the next. This next dude guy is in my vortex. (This post is long, as it is. If you don’t know what the vortex is, you may want to Google it.) He’s smart, he’s very comfortable and confident in his own skin, he does well for himself financially, he enjoys traveling and going out, he’s very physically attractive to me, we have aligned goals and values, and we have a physical and emotional chemistry. Additionally, he, like me, is in the midst of working on something important. It could be the building of a business, earning a PhD or getting in the best shape of his life. Whatever it is, it is something to which he is committed, and on which he wants to be laser focused at this time. He still wants companionship, affection, and attention, but doesn’t want to do all that is required in order to be a great relationship partner. He’s, basically, a reflection of me. But . . . he, unlike me, he has a line item in his EveryDollar budget dedicated to dating, so he can take us out on amazing dates.

He’ll get the same benefits as Mr. Nice for Now – companionship with a lack of commitment – while recognizing that this comes with some reasonable requirements. Other women find him to be emotionally unavailable at this time, so they get annoyed and upset with him. They get demanding and ask him a bunch of questions about why he doesn’t do this or that. I, on the other hand, don’t engage in such line of questioning. Why? Because, remember, I can’t be bothered right now.

Here’s the thing with Vortexy Next Dude: I want things to start out casually, but then I want them to eventually progress. After all, Vortexy Next Dude is an awesome guy! Though I can’t be bothered right now, there will come a time when I will want to be bothered again. And, ah! – it will be just at the time that Vortexy Next Dude wants to be bothered as well. By that time, I will have made tremendous headway on my debt paydown. He will have worked through whatever his focus project was at the time we started dating. We’ll realize how much we’ve enjoyed the progression of our relationship. We’ll then transition into a monogamous, committed relationship. Oh how beautiful things will be!

Will Single Girl succeed in manifesting Vortexy Next Dude? Now that I’ve put that all out there – Universe, please get to work.

Single Girl’s Tsunami Situation

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When I say I’m in the midst of a tsunami, I’m not being dramatic. Dave Ramsey would be disgusted by my circumstances. I say this in complete seriousness: people commit suicide over less. I’m in a situation. Perhaps I should call on the governor, as this is, indeed, a state of emergency. 

Audio file of this blog post, read by the author.

I’ve got all kinds of debt – credit cards, a car note, back taxes owed to the IRS, mortgages and a small amount I owe to my mom for an expensive international airline ticket. I’ve also got business debt – one credit card with a large balance. I’ve got a lot going on. 

The funny thing is this: I don’t have a closet full of designer clothes or bags. I have almost no jewelry. I, have not one single pair Louboutins . . . no Louis Vuittons, no Chanel, no Gucci . . . none of that.  Wait. I have one pair of Gucci sunglasses that I wear all the time. That’s it. Despite the fondness that some folks seem to have for my booty, it’s real, so I’ve paid nothing for it. I’ve had no cosmetic surgery. I don’t have an extensive self-care regimen involving botox or other injections or blood facials or any of that other high-end stuff that makes people say, “WTF? People spend money on that?” 

The issue is not really that I’ve been extravagant. I just wasn’t paying attention. I also wasn’t being intentional. I was under the impression that I could do things that I simply wasn’t in the financial position to do. Part of me also wants to say that I was surviving. When you see the balances for the tax payments due to the Internal Revenue Service, it is clear that I was receiving income, but wasn’t doing a good job of paying the quarterly taxes that a self-employed person should pay. (I’m now a W-2 employee of the business so my taxes come right out of my bi-weekly paycheck. I’ve obviously still got a mess to fix, though.) I was using the money to live. I was using the money to pay bills. But, I was also using the money to live a lifestyle that I believed I deserved, but that I, frankly, could not afford. 

Though my closet isn’t full of designer items, I do have a body that has consumed a number of high-end meals – high-end meals from restaurants that others view as “special occasion” restaurants. I used to eat out a lot. A lot. I’d go to whatever restaurant I felt like going to because . . . that’s where I wanted to go. There was no “special occasion” restaurant for me. Additionally, I have a specialized diet. My primary protein has been seafood (although that’s changing, too). Seafood isn’t cheap. When I was trying to be “low budget”, I’d get my crab legs and salmon from the grocery store and prepare those items myself. One pound of crab legs can be $11 to $13 per pound. I’d do this with absolutely no regard for the cost. I know. Silly. 

There have also been times when my income was just too low. I think that’s still the case. I’ve been self-employed for just short of 7 years now and my income has not been consistent. Though the firm’s annual revenues have increased every year with the exception of 1, expenses have increased as well. I tell people that, even as a lawyer, this self-employment thing is a hustle. Some months it feels more like a hustle than others. Some months have been great; other months have been a disaster. Instead of being fully aware of my income reductions and/or shortfalls and making the appropriate behavioral decisions at that time, I continued to act as if nothing had changed. I blame no one but myself for all of this.

Single Girl’s Tsunami

Personal Credit Card Debt

  • Credit Card 1 $8,568
  • Credit Card 2 $1,322
  • Credit Card 3 $6,897
  • Credit Card 4 $13,175
    • TOTAL PERSONAL CREDIT CARDS: $29,962

Car Debt

  • Car Loan $18,454

Mortgage Debt

  • Mortgage 1 $78,041
  • Mortgage 2 $29,610
    • TOTAL MORTGAGES: $107,651

Back Taxes

  • IRS – 2015 Taxes $1,225
  • IRS – 2016 Taxes $10,204
  • IRS – 2017 Taxes $10,349
    • TOTAL TAXES: $21,778

Student Loan Debt

  • Student Loan 1 $64,864
  • Student Loan 2 $86,734
    • TOTAL STUDENT LOANS: $151,598

Business Credit Card Debt

  • Business Credit Card $24,385

Miscellaneous

  • International Airline Ticket** $1,072

** Why would a girl in my situation even consider a vacation, let alone an international one? The short answer: the ball was already rolling on the trip when I made the decision to be serious about cleaning up my financial life. Remember, I’ve only recently become totally, undeniably sober about the severity of my circumstances. Every year over the past several years, my family takes a group vacation. We’re a pretty close family in that we have a core group that has been committed to coming together from our respective parts of the country at least once per year. Our destinations have included the Bahamas, the Dominican Republic, Mexico and Las Vegas. The planning for this year’s trip began late last year/early this year. So, as Single Girl was coming to the reality of her dire situation over the last few months, she realized that, though the plane ticket had already been purchased by mom on her behalf, she really shouldn’t go on the trip this year. Single Girl has almost always been the planner of these family trips, but notwithstanding that, this year she came to the realization that a trip would be a terrible idea. When I broke the news to my family, my mother went bananas. She called my father – telling him that I was eating on $25 a month (she was, apparently, confused by the $25 per week food budget that I’ve allocated for myself). He then called me asking for my PayPal information. She even hit me with the “this is about family and family is most important.” Jesus Christ, Mom. So, with the influx of funds that month from both my Mom, my father and even my little brother, I was given some breathing room on my cash flow. I told my mother that, if she allowed me to pay her back in payments for the airline ticket, I would be able to go on the trip this year. But . . . I warned my family . . . don’t expect me to go to nuthin’ else – NUTHIN’! – until I make some serious headway on this mess I’m in. 

When I started this blog, my total debt about was $332,547. Today, the total is $329,406.29 (excluding the business credit card, which does not get paid out of my personal income). At the end of each month, I review each of my balances and capture them into a Google sheet. I’m finalizing my plan of attack, which I will lay out in future posts.

Isn’t this a disaster? Aren’t you glad you can say to yourself, “At least I’m not doing this badly?”

Step 1 – Stop Getting Into More Debt

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I stopped using my personal credit cards, for the most part, a couple of years ago. I say “for the most part” because I did use a personal credit card once in February of 2018 to pay for a medical procedure (a uterine fibroid embolization) and during 2 months in early 2019 during which the business didn’t bring in enough to pay my little, inconsistent salary (I’m a W-2 employee of my business). I spent just over $7,000 on the procedure and about $1,800 as the money I needed to help float me to the next month. 

Audio file of this blog post, read by the author.

What I didn’t stop doing, though, was using the business credit card. I got the business card about 4 years ago when my banker encouraged me to get the card to contribute to the business building its own credit. I got the card, with both my name and the name of the business on it. As almost every small business owner must, I personally guaranteed the payment of any charges incurred by the business on the card. The credit limit was somewhere around $3,000 when I first got the card. Over the years, the bank saw that I consistently used the card and made timely payments. As my use of the card continued to grow, so did my credit limit. I think I asked for an increase in the limit one time – when the card still had a limit below $7,000. The bank would, however, periodically increase my limit without me having to ask. This happened whenever my balance was at or near the credit limit. Today, the card has a credit limit of $25,000. 

So, the problem here is obvious, right? Though I almost eliminated my use of credit cards on the personal side, I continued to maintain my same old bad habits. I simply narrowed the playing field of stupidity. Instead of being stupid with the credit cards in both my personal and business lives, I just limited the credit card use to the business side. 

Ah . . . but when you work for yourself and you are the key producer in the business, the business is integrally linked to the person. I make all of the decisions about what money will be spent, when and on what things. I control the credit card.  Though I knew I couldn’t use a personal credit card to get certain things, I could find a way to make it a business expense. I could justify going to Capital Grill for a meeting on the business side. I could justify traveling to another state, staying in a nice hotel, and eating fine food for a business conference. Could the business afford it? No! Could the business pay for it? Absolutely. I had the business credit card. 

As I’ve admitted, part of the reason I’m in this situation is that – prior to my reformation – I’d spent too much time not paying attention. I hadn’t been tracking my income, hadn’t been closely monitoring expenses, and had not been intentional and disciplined when it comes to the handling of the business’s or my personal finances. When I started to tighten up on the personal side of things, I put the business piece in the background, with the intention of getting to it later. “Later” has turned into about a year and a half. So, up until July 31, I was living under the delusion that I was actually changing my habits for the future. I wasn’t. I was just doing a better job of masking my problem.

What I Did

(1) Committed to a Different Mindset – Credit Sobriety

I knew I had to stop thinking of the use of credit is an option. I had to adopt a credit-exclusive mindset. I had to get credit sober. In the same way that no man around here has the option of dating me without actually taking me on dates, I had to make it so that the use of credit was not an option for me. I gave myself a deadline of August 1. Before August 1, I had to make the commitment to totally stop using credit – for personal or business reasons.  “You’re going to have to stop using the credit card,” I told myself. “Until you can get to the point where you’ve got clear processes and financial systems in place, you cannot use the card at all – ever. Fuck the cash back ‘rewards.’” 

(2) Evaluated and Analyzed Expenses and Income

In July, I began the process of organizing and evaluating all of the business expenditures and income over the prior year. I poured over bank and credit card statements, trying to figure out what services could be cancelled and where most of the money was going. I also looked closely at the revenues the business was generating. 

Through the process, I found that there were some random services and subscriptions that the business was paying for, but that weren’t necessary. I questioned whether we really needed to keep the higher-priced office address, or whether we could reduce that cost in some manner. I questioned every expense that appeared on statements over the most recent months. How many stock photos do we really use? How effective has this advertising campaign been? Has So-and-So Staff Member really been using this subscription? With the services and expenses that I thought we should continue (e.g., Quickbooks, Adobe, our firm management software), I looked to see if there were ways that the subscription costs could be reduced. I canceled what needed to be canceled, and made the adjustments that I thought were smart. I know these won’t be long-term adjustments. I just did what needed to be done in the short-term until I get clarity on the direction of the business and where the money should be going. 

(3) Put an End to It All

How dramatic – put an end to it all. Ultimately, this is what I had to do. I did the best that I could in making decisions about expenses, but as my July 31 deadline approached, I was still struggling with what to cut and what to keep. To remain faithful to my commitment to no longer use credit as of August 1, I put myself in the position where it was not possible for me to use credit beyond the August 1 date. 

I reported the business credit card lost and told the bank to shut down the use of the card. With this method, no more charges could be incurred on the card. If I hadn’t decided on whether to keep or let go of an expense by then, I’d be forced to evaluate that and make a decision once the company reached out to me the following month to state that the card on file had been declined. One by one, I’d have to determine if the continued payment of that particular service was necessary for the business or not. If it was, I’d start paying it through the operating checking account. If not, I simply would not continue with the particular service or expense.

The Result?

Hi. My name is Tanya and I’m 31 days credit sober.  August 2019 was the first month in many years during which I did not use any credit card. That’s a big deal for me!