These Dudes (Dating)

The Manscape – March 2020

March 31, 2020 by tanya

March was – let’s say – a very slow month.

Adjusting to the COVID-19 pandemic has made this month unlike any other in my life – and the lives of most Americans.

I went on one date early in the month. Thereafter, things started shifting as I learned more about the spread of COVID-19 and the necessity of social distancing.

Jameson

Jameson reached out to me every day. At a minimum, he sends me a “Good Morning” text and a “Good Night” text. Throughout the day, he usually calls to check on me. At one point during the month, he brought me a flashlight because I didn’t have one. This was at the point that the American public was being told not to touch anyone and to stay away from others, but before I learned that even breathing in the same air as someone in a closed space could be a problem.

I didn’t really need a flashlight. He uses any reason he can come up with to see me. It’s sweet that he likes to do things for me. He’s said that he likes to take whatever opportunity he can to see and/or speak. The flashlight was that reason earlier in the month. At one other point in the month, the reason was to possibly bring a mask and gloves (which he had not yet obtained). I haven’t seen him since he brought the flashlight. We’re both now clear that I won’t be seeing him or in any close contact with him for a while.

Whole Foods

This was the one date that I went on earlier this month. It was a very nice lunch date and we got the chance to catch up. Though our conversations are nice and cordial, we just don’t really have any chemistry – at least not on my end.

We’ve spoken a couple of times since, but that’s about it.

The Original Whole Foods

I wrote about the immature dumb shit he did last month in the February Manscape report. I still haven’t heard from him.

Cigar Bar

Ahhhh. I did hear from this one in the middle of the month. Like The Original Whole Foods, he did a disappearing act last month as well. I hadn’t heard from him since mid-February – the week of Valentine’s Day until . . . March 17. Then . . .

His text: Hey, how are you? Are you staying clear of the coronavirus?

My response: [Crickets].

And that’s the end of that story.

Mr. All Black

This one reached out as well. What I appreciated is that his text led with an acknowledgement that he went “MIA”. Because I respect that he started off with that, I was willing to converse with him. I knew, after how he had acted, that I wasn’t willing to deal with him in any significant way, but I was willing to talk to him.

I was curious about why he went ghost. He started off by saying something about a car accident (even though it became apparent that the accident wasn’t on the day of our scheduled date). Eventually, he admitted that he didn’t think he had an obligation to communicate with me because we “weren’t that invested.”

Cool. You’re right. We weren’t invested. But, we had a date scheduled for a specific day and time. The fact that we hadn’t spoken much before then doesn’t matter. What matters is that you said you were going to do something (which let me know the location of our date) and, instead of calling or texting to cancel the date, you disappeared for 4 weeks. That’s stupid and immature.

When I was talking with him, I told him exactly how I felt about it. He apologized and admitted that he should have taken a different approach. I don’t expect to speak with him anymore.

Self-Isolation

The rest of the month was pretty quiet, like I said. I’ve texted and done some phone and video talking and flirting with a couple of guys I know, but that’s about it. I don’t intend to see any guy in person for a number of months. I’ve wrapped my mind around the likelihood of me being holed up in my condo until at least August.

The Manscape – February 2020

February 28, 2020 by tanya

This month was not without its share of fuck boy foolishness. That did not, however, make me lose sight of the enjoyable experiences I had. Despite the positive elements, I’m wondering if I should compromise the short-term good for the longer term great.

Jameson

Jameson maintained his full court press this month. We went out a couple of different times, including Valentine’s Day evening. A few times this month, he offered to bring me lunch (both of us work from home). I took him up on the offer once. The other two times just didn’t work for my schedule.

A couple of nights ago, he took me to dinner and to an NBA basketball game. I had a great time! We had an amazing dinner time conversation and a fun time watching the game. (I love to be in an arena, by the way! I’m inspired by the energy of all of the people, the activities and the sheer size of the place.) It was an enjoyable evening.

Before dinner, he surprised me with: (1) a nice candle, (2) a bottle of my favorite vodka (Peach Ciroc) and (3) a new stopper for my bathtub, since mine broke.

He’s made it clear that he wants to take our relationship back to the level at which it once was – the committed romantic relationship level. He’s aware that I’m not interested in that with him at this point. He’s also said that whatever I’m willing to give, he’ll take. If that’s a periodic dinner date. Cool. If it’s a weekend getaway, we can do that. If he can just come by and sit and work while I work, he wants to do that. He’s open to everything and just wants to spend time together.

While I appreciate the outings and nice dinner dates, I’m thinking I may have to pull back on that a bit. I’ll share more on this in a later post.

Whole Foods

Though we didn’t get together Valentine’s Day weekend, Whole Foods took us out on an awesome concert date the weekend before. He bought us the VIP experience (I’d never had that at this venue), which gave us access to a 3-story lounge area with hors d’oeuvres and a rooftop deck. He got us seats on the floor in the 6th row. I danced, danced, danced and had a great time!

He got us seats on the floor in the 6th row. I danced, danced, danced and had a great time!
~ single girl

He texted me late on Valentine’s Day. We played some phone tag during the following week and, when the ball was back in his court, he gave up and waited until week later or so to try me again. He called me on a Sunday asking me if I could connect that day. I was working, so I declined. He’s asked that I let him know when I can get together with him again. My brother is in town. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get together.

Again, while I appreciate the outings and nice dinner dates, I’m thinking I may have to pull back on that a bit, too. I’ll share more on this in a later post.

The Original Whole Foods

I’ve known The Original Whole Foods for many years. Click here for a brief story about how we met. When we dated, we had a good time. He’s a great looking man. He’s cultured, well-traveled and fun.

All that aside, he did some real fuck boy shit. He reached out to me out of the blue and said he wanted to get together to catch up. It’s been awhile since we’ve gone out or even hung out at all – probably at least 8 years. He reached out at the end of January and said that he’d like to catch up after his travels, in early February. I told him that was fine. We didn’t speak or text in the interim.

He reached out in early February, as he said he would, and asked about my schedule. We were texting on a Monday. I told him I could meet Thursday. He said, “Thursday works for me, too.” I replied, asking him what time and place he had in mind.

I haven’t heard from him since.

If I, intuitively, felt that something was wrong, I’d take a different approach. But, rarely is something actually wrong in these situations. I’ve lived and dated long enough to know that.
~ single girl

You might be saying to yourself, “Well maybe something happened to him.” I’m saying no such thing to myself. Though he’s never done that in the years I’ve known him, my intuition isn’t telling me that something went awry. I’m thinking he’s on some inconsiderate bullshit. I take a pretty firm position on how I handle being stood up. If I, intuitively, felt that something was wrong, I’d take a different approach. But, rarely is something actually wrong in these situations. I’ve lived and dated long enough to know that.

Cigar Bar

When I met Cigar Bar he had recently moved to my city. He was focused on his new job, but was also interested in getting acclimated with the city. He said that he wanted to do some of that exploring with me. We talked and texted about some cool parts of town for him to consider for more permanent housing (he was in temporary, corporate housing at the time), as well as some fun hangout spots in the area. We went out a couple of times and, based on the 2 dates we had, I had a desire to continue to get to know him.

Earlier in the month he closed on a condo purchase in the city. Through text and phone conversations, he expressed his excitement. I was excited for him! I didn’t see him while he was moving because he canceled a date we had scheduled due to his desire to focus on his move. Once he moved into his new place, he reached out, told me he was settled in and asked me to go out that upcoming weekend.

That upcoming weekend was Valentine’s Day weekend. I already had plans with Jameson for Valentine’s Day night and I thought I had plans with The Original Whole Foods on Thursday night. So, Saturday was all I had available. That Monday at 5:10 p.m. I told him that Saturday would work. The following evening I hadn’t received a confirmation from him, so I asked him if we were doing Saturday evening. (This was a mistake, by the way. It normally wouldn’t be my style to say anything. Either he follows up or he doesn’t. But, for some reason, I got beside myself and reached out to confirm.) I didn’t hear anything from him until the next morning.

Him: Hey, sorry, I had a long work day yesterday. Can you do Friday? I know Friday is Valentine’s Day and I don’t want to make our relationship more than it is so no pressure if that doesn’t work for you.

Me: No

He didn’t respond and we haven’t communicated at all since . . . and we won’t, unless he reaches out to me first. He’s just not that into me. I can tell that now.

Mr. All Black

Remember, Mr. All Black? We had a date scheduled for a couple of weeks ago. He had told me that he’d be in Miami for the Superbowl, so he set a day and time for us to get together upon his return. He told me that he’d let me know the location of our meeting. Great!

The Tuesday after the Superbowl, he texted me, saying, “What’s up stranger? Hope your day is going well thus far.”

Red Flag #1 – “What’s Up Stranger?”

This is some passive-aggressive weak man talk that I don’t find to be attractive. Let’s break this one down. First of all, the “stranger” reference was his way of expressing his confusion about why I hadn’t contacted him at all. You’re the one who was in Miami for the Superbowl. I was delighted for you and encouraged you to have a great time. Was I, as a woman who just met you, supposed to be checking in with you to see how you were doing on your getaway weekend?

First of all, the “stranger” reference was his way of expressing his confusion about why I hadn’t contacted him at all. You’re the one who was in Miami for the Superbowl.
~ single girl

Second, I don’t usually initiate contact with men with whom I haven’t been out. You scheduled a date, you went out of town, and you said you’d reach out to give me the information on the meeting location. I don’t know what I needed to say to you in the meantime.

Red Flag #2 – Where Are We Meeting?

Again, you, Sir, said that you would get back to me about where we should meet. So, while you were texting and making chit chat about your Miami trip, you should have given me the information you said you’d provide. I shouldn’t have to ask you. I shouldn’t have to remind you (if I have to remind you that you have plans with me, you’re really not that into me).

Our text conversation continued. I told him my day was going well and asked him how his day was going. I also asked him how his Miami trip went.

Him: Day is going great! Miami was excellent, minus it raining just about the whole time lol. My team won tho!

Me: Lol! That’s great! I’m glad you had a good time and your team won.

That was on a Tuesday. Our date was scheduled for Friday. Friday came and went. I haven’t heard from him and I’ve said nothing.

Mr. Nice For Now

I haven’t seen Mr. Nice For Now since November, when he went to Asia for 5 weeks. I told him in January that I wasn’t interested in continuing our relationship. I heard from him once during January, but we haven’t communicated since. I thought I might miss his companionship, but I don’t. I enjoyed it while I had it, but I realize that letting it go was a good thing to do.

What a month. There were some highlights, but they came with some unusual lowlights. Welcome to dating, right?

How did the month go for you? Anything juicy?

What To Do When He Stands You Up

February 18, 2020 by tanya

Most of us know how it feels to be stood up for a date. Maybe he set a day with you, said he’d follow up with a specific place and time, but you never heard back from him. Or, if he’s a complete jerk; he scheduled the date, time and location with you and neglected to show up at the actual site of the date.

Feelings after being stood up can range from confusion and irritation to full-blown anger. Why’d you ask me out, if you were not going to follow through? If something came up and you couldn’t make it, why not just call or text me to let me know? We’re adults!

Why’d you ask me out if you were not going to follow through? If something came up and you couldn’t make it, why not just call or text me to let me know? We’re adults!

~ single girl

I won’t go into the myriad stupid reasons that guys decide to stand a woman up for a date. This post is not about the psychology behind it; for this subject, I don’t care about “the why” behind this inconsiderate behavior. I only care about “the what” and how to respond to it. For a discussion from psychological experts about this subject, check out this article.

I make no excuses for this kind of behavior. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there, or have the grown up courtesy to let someone know that you can’t make it. I’ve dated enough over my adult life to know that rarely – very rarely – is there some legitimate explanation behind these shenanigans. It’s never been that the guy got into a car accident and was in the hospital at the time of our scheduled date. It has never been that a family member died the day of our date and he totally lost his ability to think or communicate and, thus, couldn’t let me know that we couldn’t get together that day. One time, a guy I was seeing was super late because he saw someone having a medical emergency and he stopped to render aid. Despite those unusual circumstances, he was still able to reach out to explain his delay. And he eventually made it to my house to pick me up for our date that night.

I’m not the type who first assumes there’s a legitimate reason behind his failure to appear. I’m the opposite: I assume that there’s some foolishness behind the situation – that whatever his reason, it’s unlikely to be adequate to me. Again, I didn’t ask you out. You asked me out. You’re a grown man. If you didn’t want to go out, you shouldn’t have asked. If you changed your mind between the time you asked that the time we were supposed to go out, just say so. Don’t be a baby.

There’s only one thing to do when he stands you up – nothing. Nothing at all. You wait. You don’t text him the day after you were supposed to hear from him, asking him if everything is okay (because, again, everything is probably okay). You also don’t call him, going off about how he needs to recognize that no one treats you like that. No.

There’s only one thing to do when he stands you up – nothing. Nothing at all. You wait.
~ single girl

You wait until he reaches out to you again, if he ever decides to reach out again (which he’ll probably do, at some point). If you reach out to him, you risk your message falling on deaf ears. With guys, timing is critical. No matter how important your message, if you convey it when he’s not open to hearing it, you might as well have kept your mouth shut. When you wait until he reaches out to you, you know that he wants to communicate with you. Because he has a desire for you at that moment, what you have to say will more likely be received.

Why will he probably reach out to you? Because he’s a guy . . . and guys do that. He had an initial interest in you and, given that there probably isn’t anything that happened to completely change that between the time you spoke about your date and the actual scheduled time of your date, he still might have that initial interest he had. I think men also like knowing that they can still get the girl they wanted to get. It’s quite an ego boost for a woman to continue to show interest, even when he doesn’t deserve it.

So he stood you up and you exercised patience enough to wait for him to reach out to you again. This was probably done in the form of a casual text message – something along the lines of “Hey, you” or “Hey, stranger.” Any selection of words he uses is formed with the intention of acting as if nothing weird happened between the two of you. He wants to start the interaction with you, pretending that he did nothing wrong and that, if, by chance, you do think he did something wrong, you too will pretend that there’s no issue. Under no circumstance do I advocate going along with his “all is well” charade.

You can either: (A) give him another chance or (B) tell him that, with that one strike, he’s “out.”
~ Single Girl

The question is how you’ll proceed. I’ve identified a couple of potential approaches below. Both involve taking a stance that demonstrates that you’re a high-value woman, that you’re not stupid, and that you’re not desperate for a date – especially not a date with him. Either way, you make your position and standards clear.
You can either: (A) give him another chance or (B) tell him that, with that one strike, he’s “out.” I don’t suggest not taking option 1 unless he does BOTH of these 2 things:

(1) He acknowledges that his treatment of you was disrespectful or, at least, inconsiderate and
(2) He apologizes and conveys some kind of desire to make it up to you (literally, look for words synonymous with “I’ll make it up to you.”)

In the absence of both of those two factors, your best bet is to go with Option B and decide not to deal with him anymore. If he, however, acknowledges what he did and apologizes, the situation may be redeemable. Some guys are so used to dealing with low-value women that they assume that they can treat all women inappropriately without repercussions (because it has worked for them). By requiring considerate treatment, you put him on notice that your standards are not those of the women of his past. He can either respect that, or continue to act a fool – as long as he takes his foolhardy ways elsewhere.

If he won’t even acknowledge what happened, you’ll be on a rough road dealing with him in the future. You do yourself a huge disservice if you allow disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior to go unaddressed. If you do it once, especially early on in a potential dating relationship, you are certain to be repeatedly disrespected in the future.

By not ignoring inappropriate behavior, a woman demonstrates dignity and that she expects to be treated well. I encourage you (and myself) to exercise patience and control over your emotions.

Do nothing. Wait. Be dignified.

Valentine’s Day Dignity

February 14, 2020 by tanya

Valentine’s Day can be such a mixed bag of good and bad. It can be a really tough time for single women. It can be even worse for ladies in relationships (or those who think they’re in relationships).

For some, today will, literally, be a dream of a day. If it marks a proposal or an actual wedding, signifying a forever love, this may be a day that they’ve imagined since childhood. On a more casual note, a guy that a woman’s been dating might surprise her with an unexpected romantic gift or dinner date.

For others, it won’t be puppies and rainbows. It’s going to be a pretty crappy day. Not only might they struggle with all of the fanfare and imagery that goes along with this holiday – the jewelry ads, the photos of huge flower bouquets, the “She said ‘Yes’” Facebook posts with the corresponding images of beautiful diamond rings. They’ll also deal with the facts of their own lives – the absence of a desired loving partner or the poor behavior of the partner they have. This is where the rubber meets the road.

Men Aren’t Stupid

Though I adore men and hold them in high regard, I’ll be the first to say that they do some really stupid things. But overall, they’re not stupid. Men know what to do to make a woman feel special. They know what gestures are, generally, well-received. Most importantly, they know how to show a woman that they care about her and want to have her in their life.

At the same time, let’s not pretend: a lot of guys (and some girls) cannot stand the Valentine’s Day holiday. They think it is a ridiculous commercial, meaningless reason to spend money because “society says so.” They don’t like the idea of being pressured into spending money on this particular day as a demonstration of their love for their partner.

Whether you’re in a relationship, think you’re in a relationship, or are currently unattached, let Valentine’s Day be a day on which you exercise dignity. Above all . . . dignity.
~ Single Girl

While I understand the irritation, I don’t care. When a guy I’m seeing or with whom I’m in a relationship protests the holiday, I state that, though he thinks it’s stupid . . . I don’t. Is a 60-inch television important? To me, not so much. To him, it might be, and I respect that. So, he needs to respect what’s important to me and what puts a smile on my face.

Even a man who isn’t “your man” will want to do something for you on Valentine’s Day – whether or not he protests the holiday. He recognizes that it’s an opportunity for him to shine and to make a huge deposit in your love bank. If he wants you, he’ll use this as a chance to make you feel special.

It doesn’t matter that he’s not the Valentine’s Day type of guy. If you’re a Valentine’s Day kind of gal, he needs to embrace that. Don’t let him exercise any Jedi mind trickery to make you feel any way to the contrary.

Again, if it’s important to you, then it’s important. A man who loves and cares about you will acknowledge that and try to make you feel special. I have a few exes that absolutely abhorred Valentine’s Day (and, frankly, treated me well on the other days of the year). That didn’t stop them from making sure that we did something together or that they gave me a gift to celebrate the day.

How To Handle What Valentine’s Day Will Reveal To You

For the ladies for whom this will be an amazing, beautifully memorable day, let’s rejoice with them in their happiness and the amazing memories that they’ll be making today.

For the ones who are about to feel some type of shitty way, I’ve outlined a strategy for handling the truths that will be revealed.

Whether you’re in a relationship, think you’re in a relationship, or are currently unattached, let Valentine’s Day be a day on which you exercise dignity. Above all . . . dignity.

DIGNITY [DIG-NI-TEE]
Bearing conduct or speech indicative of self-respect
nobility or elevation of character; worthiness
~ Dictionary.com

This means that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen today, you operate with the utmost demonstration of self-respect. Despite how you feel, you control your actions like a grown woman. Regardless of whatever feelings arise in you, you carry yourself like a high-value, dignified woman.

What Not To Do

1. Don’t Flip Out

While I totally believe in the power of the flip out, a guy’s failure to meet your expectations today probably wouldn’t justify such a dramatic response. Remember, there’s protocol with this flip out stuff and the flip out is to be used more in response to disrespectful behavior, not disappointing behavior. You expected something today and didn’t receive it (whether that be a date, a gift, a proposal or some sort of communication)? You thought he’d reach out to you, but didn’t? You expected him to have made a date with you for today, but he didn’t? Be glad that you now know what’s really going on. Don’t blow up his phone, don’t “accidentally” send him a text that was allegedly intended for someone else. Don’t do any passive-aggressive, weak ass shit. Be happy that you’re being shown the truth. See item 1 under What To Do, below.

2. Don’t Initiate Contact

If he doesn’t say anything to you today, you don’t say anything to him today, either. Wait. Either he reaches out to you or you two don’t communicate today.

3. Don’t Fuss

Whatever he decides to give or do for you should be received with appreciation and gratitude. If you were expecting a ring, but he gives you a bracelet, don’t express your disappointment. He knows you want a ring and he chose to not give one to you. He-chose-to-not- give-you-one. If you wanted to go out on a romantic date to a fancy restaurant, but he thinks that Olive Garden is sufficient, then receive his restaurant choice with a smile. He shouldn’t have to hear any complaining about what he chose to do or not do. Your job is to observe his choices and decide whether: (1) it is a representation of how he feels about you and your relationship (which it probably is) and (2) what you’re going to do about that (which should be to either take it or leave it).

4. Don’t Ask Questions

“Why haven’t I heard from you?” “You’re not going to take me out?” “You didn’t even get me a box of chocolates?” Again, no fussing at all. If he communicates, he communicates. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. If he asks you out, great. If he doesn’t, you better stay home or go out with your friends.

What To Do

1. Enjoy Yourself

Do what makes you feel good and happy. If you want to go out and flirt, go check out a local bar or pub, or places that couples typically don’t go for a romantic evening. Alternatively, if you want to have a nice evening at home, that’s a wonderful idea. One of my friends is having a steak dinner with her tween daughter tonight – a fabulous girls’ night in. Whatever you do, don’t go flipping out on anyone because he didn’t meet your expectations today.

2. Pay Attention

If you’re not fussing, questioning, initiating contact or pushing, you’ll get a chance to see how he feels about your relationship, situationship, or whatever the hell it is that you have. A man will show you exactly how he feels about you. It’s just up to you to acknowledge and accept it. Don’t lie to yourself.

3. Understand That He’s Just Not That Into You

Period. Women don’t like to believe this, but it’s true. If you’ve never read the book, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, you should. It’s a classic and, though it’s hard for many women to accept, what it says is true. Men do what they want to do. Men pursue women they want to pursue. Men try to impress women they deem worthy of the effort. Like the male author of the books says, “. . . Even though we may not be saying it, we are absolutely showing it all the time. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him; his actions are screaming the truth.” If you find yourself confused, disappointed, alone, or lonely today, it is because he’s just not that into you.

. . . Even though we may not be saying it, we are absolutely showing it all the time. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him; his actions are screaming the truth.
~ Greg Behrendt, He’s just not that into you

4. Know That No Romance = No Bueno

Another old school dating book whose tenets still ring true is The Rules- Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Rule 12 is “stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine’s Day.” Why? Because this shows that he doesn’t want you on a long-term, romantic basis. I learned this one to be true several years ago. When I reviewed my dating experiences, it was totally on point. For example, I was dating a beautiful, thoughtful guy and we were in a committed relationship. I thought things were going great. For my birthday, he got me the most expensive, gorgeous JUICER a woman could ever want. Right after my birthday, he told me that he didn’t want to be hurt again (he was divorced) and was only going to allow me to get “so” close to him. He said that if I ever got too close, he’d pull away. Though I was terribly hurt, I told him that, “As a dignified and self-respecting woman,” I could not possibly stay in a relationship with a man who was telling me plainly that he didn’t want to get close to me. The unromantic gift was, in retrospect, an indication of his lack of desire to be in a long-term romantic relationship with me. As Fein and Schneider state, “Flowers, jewelry, poetry and weekend trips to the country are the kinds of gifts given by men in love. Sweat suits, books, briefcases, toasters and other practical gifts are the kinds of things men give when they like you, care about you (like a sister), but don’t really want to marry you.”

This Valentine’s Day will probably bring some serious questions for the fore and will be a time to make some decisions. Will you continue to accept what you’ve been accepting? What more does he have to do to show you he doesn’t really want you as his woman? Do you even really want this man? What lies have you been telling yourself about him or your situation with him? What writing to you see on the wall, but don’t want to acknowledge? What excuses have you been making for behavior that you know is disrespectful or demonstrative of a lack of care?

Let us commit to maintaining our dignity. Always. To not accepting behavior that shows a man’s lack of true desire or adoration for us . . . to acknowledging what someone is showing us about how they feel about us over what they’re saying to us . . . to trusting our intuition.

Today doesn’t need to be a day of sadness. Today can and should be a day of empowerment. Consider it the first day of the rest of your dignified life.

The Manscape – January 2020

January 31, 2020 by tanya

This month, one door closed. I expect new ones to open.

No More Mr. Nice For Now

I figured it was coming. I mentioned last month that I’d been thinking a lot about my situation with Mr. Nice For Now and had determined that it no longer worked for me. Though it was fine for the 11 months that we dated, that’s all it was . . . fine. Over that period of time, neither of us ever mentioned advancing the relationship nor did I want to. We enjoyed spending time together, had great dates, laughed and joked and really respected one another. But, there was no fire for me. No real chemistry – physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I could take it or leave it.

I’ve decided that I no longer want to send that message to myself – the it’s okay to tolerate what’s just okay message. I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre. I want to cultivate in my life that which is amazing. In order to start doing that, I am actively making space for I truly want, not just what I can tolerate.

I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre.
~ Single Girl

He returned from his 5-week international trip on New Year’s Eve. He told me that he would be coming back that day, but didn’t provide a specific arrival time. I heard from him on New Year’s Eve night at 9:34 p.m. via text. He asked me if I was planning on going out with friends. I told him I was not.

Him: What are you doing to bring in the New Year?

Me: Some planning for the New Year. If I don’t have a particularly interesting opportunity lol, I’m good with being off the streets on NYE.

Him: Can I be of any interest to you tonight baby?

Me: Sorry, sweetheart. I’m going to be alone tonight. I like having the time to think, prepare and pray the New Year in.

Him: Ok, that sounds productive. Do you have business to attend to tomorrow?

Me: Yes, I’ve got plans for tomorrow. How was your trip back?

My plans for the next day were to continue to do my planning.

Look, I know that exchange sounds some type of way. First of all, I’m weird when it comes to bringing in a New Year. I don’t like to spend that time with someone I know isn’t likely to be in my life that following year. So, for me NYE is either spent alone, with family or with my man – my man – not someone I know who will not be my man. When I mentioned “a particularly interesting opportunity” I was referring to something that’s particularly interesting. To me, that means being on a beach in a foreign country (I once spent NYE in Jamaica on a Ritz Carlton beach and it was amazing!) or being at some awesome 5 DJ, 10-room NYE party. It doesn’t mean having a last minute get together with a guy who didn’t bother to make NYE plans with me before 9:34 on New Year’s Eve! The fuck?

So, it was pretty easy for me to opt to spend the time alone. He told me to let him know when I’d be available to get together. I told him that I would. Though we kept in contact via text, it wasn’t until the 14th of January that I reached out to him to make plans to get together. We were going to go on a date later that week on the 18th. I wanted to tell him in person that our situation wasn’t working for me anymore. After all, that’s the reasonable, grown up thing to do.

In our conversation, it was clear that he expected things to be status quo – exactly as they were prior to his departure. That was a reasonable assumption on his part. It just wasn’t factual. Since I knew that things had changed – because I had changed my position – I called him the next day to deliver the message that I had intended to deliver in person later that week.

I told him that I felt differently about our situation now than I did before he left. “Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “It was cool. It worked. It just doesn’t work anymore.” He said, “Wow! I guess me leaving made a difference.”

Him leaving didn’t make a difference – it just made it easier to leave the situation alone. I told him that it wasn’t about him leaving. It was about me wanting to have a different kind of connection with a person. I told him that this was about it occuring to the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year to say to me, “Babe, you know, I’ll be in Asia kickin’ it for 5 weeks . . . do you want to come out for a week or something?” And, I told him, “It’s about me seeing him sooner than 18 days after he returns from a 5-week trip.”

“I reached out to you the day I got back!” he said.

“I know you did,” I explained. “That was on me. The fact that I was okay with not seeing you for 18 days after you’ve been gone for 5 weeks is what I’m saying. I want a different kind of connection.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” he sighed. “I need a drink.”

Jameson

Jameson is being consistent and is putting on the press. It’s not out of hand or anything; he’s just making it clear that he’d like all of whatever time and attention I’m willing to give to him. He’s said that he’d like to get back together and is, apparently, committed to demonstrating that. Though we have a good time together and have really engaging conversations, getting back together isn’t on my radar at all and I don’t hide the ball about that. He’s aware of this, but insists that he really values our friendship and loves spending time with me.

Earlier this month, he took me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and, afterwards, to see the new Bad Boys movie. The dinner portion was really part of a business transaction. Some time last year, he told me about a business that he wanted to start. Since I encourage people to pursue their ideas and dreams, I suggested that he do something small – like by the domain for it – to move the idea forward. A couple of weeks later, I followed up with him to see if he had made any movement. He had not. Some time a few weeks later, I followed up with him again to see if he had made any progress on his idea. He had not. As is consistent with how he does things sometimes, he had done nothing, so . . . I bought the domain name with the full intention of holding it ransom at a future date. This was all to prove a point to him. Handle your business, dude. Buying a domain name is a super cheap and easy way to start to solidify a project or idea. Eventually, when we spoke again about the idea, I told him that I had bought his domain name and that it would cost him “ a little sumpthin’” to get it back. He recently decided that he was ready to retrieve his domain. I told him that I would take mercy on him and allow the payment to be in the form of a high-end dinner instead of a designer bag or something more costly.

Jameson also came over a couple of times this month bearing gifts. With the first gift, he called and asked me if he could stop by. “For what?” I asked. He said he wanted to bring me something. I had no idea what it was, but he assured me that it would be a short visit.

He showed up with some vegan ice cream that was delicious! But that wasn’t the great part. What he had really come by to do was to show me the video from the helicopter trip he took me on last month. (By the way, I’m soooooo glad we did this prior to the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant. I’m not sure I would have been so comfortable going up in the copter after what tragically happened to them and the others who lost their lives.) What was so sweet was that he had the helicopter company put the video to one of my favorite songs, “Liberian Girl,” by Michael Jackson.

I was in tears as we watched the video together, but didn’t really know why. Was it because the gesture was thoughtful? Was it because “Liberian Girl” tends to make me emotional anyway? Maybe I was emotional because I was on my period. I had no idea. I was just happy. I gave him a strong hug and told him how much I appreciated what he’d done.

Later in the month, he came bearing other gifts. Several months ago, he fixed a couple of things in my house. The projects were handled over a period of days. Since Jameson drinks a lot, he ended up drinking a pretty significant amount of the liquor I had on my bar cart. His consumption was significant enough that he made a point to say that he’d need to replenish it at some point in the future. I didn’t make mention of the alcohol he drank and I certainly didn’t request that he replace any of it. The alcohol was there for guests to consume.

All I knew was that I wasn’t going to replace it. Once the liquor ran out, I would not be buying any more. I didn’t want to put it in the budget. Not having it around would also mean that I’d be less likely to drink it myself.

Fast forward to January – a few months later – Jameson texts me and tells me to choose 4 bottles of liquor. But there was a caveat – only one bottle could be Ciroc.

“Why can only one bottle be Ciroc?” I asked.

“Because you’ll drink Ciroc without me.”

I do a lot of things without you, I thought to myself. He went on to explain that he wanted me to have other liquor options available for when I have guests (again, because I’ll likely drink the Ciroc). The explanation didn’t resonate with me but I was getting 4 bottles of liquor to put on my bar cart. I was willing to comply with the rules.

I chose the following: Ciroc Mango (of course!), Apple Crown, Pinaud de Charentes (a fortified wine made with cognac), and Four Roses Small Batch Whiskey. I like each of the first 3 items. The Four Roses is to have when I have male company (the Apple Crown would work for that, too).

In addition to the 4 bottles I selected, he brought a 5th bottle – a Japanese whiskey. He said it was for whenever he happens to come by.

“So you’re leaving liquor at my house for you?”

“Yes,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. I gave him a look that said, well that’s audacious of you. I think he read the look because he went on to say that he just wants to know for sure that he’ll have something at my place to drink during those times when he comes over. It doesn’t happen regularly, but we do sometimes use his Firestick to binge on some show that I can’t access on mine. Our next binge session is supposed to be Power in a couple of weeks.

A couple of months ago, he asked me if I’d be willing to go on a cruise with him at the beginning of the year.

“It’s possible,” I responded. I don’t spend a lot of time on hypothetical conversations with guys – particularly guys who aren’t my man. So, I didn’t rule out the possibility of going, but also wasn’t going to spend much time talking about it. If it were to become something he was serious about, I’d think about it and consider it more seriously at that time.

Well, here we are at the beginning of the year and he brought it up again. He told me where he’d like to go. I asked him about the kind of experience he wanted to have (so I could see if lined up with the kind of experience I’d likely want to have). I told him that I wanted to have a non-Carnival, non-Royal Caribbean cruise line experience (because I’ve been on both of those) and that I’d heard that Virgin has started an adults only cruise. “Wouldn’t that be dope?” I asked. He agreed.

“I’ll do some research,” he said.

Cigar Bar

I haven’t seen Cigar Bar this month, but we’ve been in contact. We’ve only gone out twice and, despite his nightcap inquiry (most guys would love a nightcap, right?), I like him and want to get to know him better.

He recently moved to my city and, since we’ve met, figuring out where he will live has been a top priority for him. We’ve talked about different parts of the city and he’s kept me updated on different areas he’s considered and places he viewed. When he recently decided to put an offer on a Midtown condo, he shared his excitement with me about that as well.

We were supposed to go on a date last Saturday, but he asked for a raincheck because he was too far behind on his packing. He was moving out of corporate housing and into a hotel, while he waits to close on his new condo.

He said he didn’t want to have “too much to do” the next day and hadn’t gotten enough of the packing done by the time we were nearing our date time. While I totally understand not wanting to have too much to do on a Sunday, the move I would have preferred he had made was to have still gone on our date and just done the packing he needed to do on Sunday. I’m not holding it against him; I’m just taking note that he preferred to have a leisurely Sunday versus hanging out with me on Saturday.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing.
~ Single Girl

Again – I get it. I’m that way, too. There is no one that I’m seeing right now for whom I will totally change my plans or for whom I will have myself jammed up for time. The guy that has me willing to bend over backwards or inconvenience myself significantly is usually the guy who is my boyfriend or is on the track to being that. So, I do understand where Cigar Bar is coming from. But I’m paying attention.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing. The key is seeing things for how they are, not as how we’d like them to be. That’s why I’m not irritated or mad at Cigar Bar for the choice that he made. I am, however, seeing clearly that he chose his packing over following through on our date.

Whole Foods (Formerly Whole Foods Joker)

We went out to lunch once this month. He asked me to go out another time, but I was focused on some work deadlines and, frankly, wasn’t willing to make the time.

After our lunch, I started to side eye him because of some of the things he said (and didn’t say) at our most recent lunch. I may have said this before, but, I’m pretty aware of what people say, how they say it and what they don’t say. A story he told me at lunch didn’t line up with what he told me when he first met me. As his story unfolded, it became clear to me that he engaged in, at least, a semi lie when he first met me in the Whole Foods. It’s not a total lie, but, given the back story that he told me at lunch, he probably shouldn’t have made the statement when we first met.

I’m still working on the facts of the whole shit (because after I pressed a little, he admitted that he wasn’t telling the whole story and wants to get to know me better before he does), but his approach is wack as hell. I told him as much during lunch. I said, “Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.” He said he would prefer to stop talking about it. Listening to him half tell what happened was getting painful and I wanted him to know that his approach wasn’t working favorably.

Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.
~ single girl

The bottom line: I didn’t like that shit. If you have something in your past that you’re not proud of, just be honest about it and be done with it. Or be quiet. Who hasn’t made a bad decision or done something they wouldn’t do again? Either the person you want to date will be okay with it or they won’t. But, what’s worse is you coming across as a liar or a person whose stories have to be dissected for the truth.
Here’s my other issue with Whole Foods: he comes off as old. He’s a handsome guy. He claims he’s only 55, but . . . I’m not totally convinced. He could pass for 60 to me. Granted, it would be a good-looking, well-dressed, nice-smelling 60, but . . . it’s still 60. I’m trying to get past it, but I’m having a hard time.

The Original Whole Foods

The Original Whole Foods is a guy I dated about 10 years ago. I met him when I was out exercising at a nearby park. He was beautiful. He was jogging and . . . it was like he was moving in slow motion, with his bouncing pecs and biceps glistening with sweat. He stopped jogging to talk to me and ask me for my number.

He was interesting, seemed pretty driven, was physically fit, and was a gentleman. In person and on paper he was my kind of guy. We ended up going out several times and would hang out periodically (since we live near one another), but nothing significant ever came of it. The last time I spoke with him was via text in 2018.

Then, out of the blue, I get a text from him a couple of weeks ago asking if I’d be interested in catching up. I was reluctant at first. What’s his angle? This’ll be a waste of time. Then I remembered, it’s just dinner. Plus, I’ve always enjoyed spending time with him, so . . . it’s whatever.

I told him that I’d be fine with catching up. He said that he’ll be traveling until early February, but that he’d reach back out to set something up. We’ll see.

The reason he’s called the Original Whole Foods is because, after we stopped dating, every time I’d run into him it would be at Whole Foods! One time I was in the bookstore next door to the Whole Foods (this was when bookstores were still a thing) with my boyfriend and he walked up on us and, basically, acted like my boyfriend wasn’t even there. My boyfriend didn’t make a scene, but, afterwards he said, “What the fuck? Does my forehead say ‘I’m a bitch ass dude’?!”

Anyway, ladies, what’s the takeaway here? You can meet single men at the Whole Foods.

Mr. All Black

After meeting at the grocery store (not a Whole Foods), I received a follow up text. Then I didn’t hear from him after that . . . until earlier this week. He apologized for not being in contact and explained that he was grieving the death of his best friend who passed away just after he and I met. Of course, I’m sorry for his loss.

Our communications have been interesting. I say “interesting” in a good way, not in the “hmmm this looks like it could be some garbage, but we’ll see” kind of way. I love how insightfully he communicates and what he’s shared about himself so far. He’s mentioned that he’s abstinent. I think that’s dope. We’ve agreed to talk about it more when we see each other.

Since he’s going to Miami this weekend for the Superbowl festivities, we have a date scheduled for next week, after he returns. I’m looking forward to it.

Whatchu got goin’ on? Any fun dates this month?

Why You Should Give Men Compliments

January 24, 2020 by tanya

Did you know that today is National Compliment Day? I didn’t. But I like it.

Giving a genuine, well-meaning compliment is such a simple, but powerful, way to not only uplift the spirit of another, but to raise your own vibration level as well. Since today is a day that is specifically designated for this kind-hearted gesture, I thought I ought to delve into the subject a bit . . . from a single girl perspective.

I think we can agree that women are more accustomed to receiving verbal praise than men. The more attractive a woman is deemed to be, the more she is likely to receive flattering comments on a regular basis. If she’s in a city or country in which men generally feel very comfortable expressing themselves to women, she’s even more likely to be a regular recipient of words of admiration.

Women, who tend (I’m not saying we’re all like this) to be less forward with men they know, don’t seem to give nearly as much praise to men and they, themselves, receive. I know I don’t. I’m gracious in receiving them, but I don’t always return each one with another.

Men Don’t Receive Enough Compliments

I don’t have any scientific evidence of this, but I’ve lived long enough to know that men don’t receive enough positive communication from women. In an article from Melmagazine.com, a man is quoted as saying, “Back in December a girl told me she really liked my shoes . . . I’m still riding the high on that compliment.” I’m not an advocate for pandering to anyone – man or woman – but I do believe that honest, kind words go a long way. And I’m happy to dish them out. I can’t recall a time at which I’ve given a man a compliment and it wasn’t met with either pleasant surprise, a very warm smile, enthusiastic appreciation or a return sweet comment.

It’s Good For You

Women can benefit from giving expressing admiration to men. Genuinely saying something nice to someone makes you feel good. When you give a man a compliment – remember, they don’t get them nearly as often as we do – you’ll see the expression of gratitude on his face. You can’t help but feel good about that.

It’s a Great Way To Flirt

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you. He may have wanted to talk to you, but just didn’t bring himself to do it. By you saying something to him – something as benign as, “What a beautiful tie you’re wearing,” he feels that he can now have a conversation with you. In fact, it would be rude of him to not say something to you. At the very least, he should reply with a “thank you” or a “‘’preciate that.” If he has an interest in knowing you more, this is his opportunity to give you a compliment, ask you your name, or begin any other conversation.

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you.”
~ Single Girl

Last week, I was in the grocery store and passed a good-looking guy as I walked down the tea aisle. I was in a rush and I was there to pick up only 2 things and get out. He seemed to be in a rush, too. However . . . I saw out of my peripheral vision that he did the look back (you know what I’m talking about) after he passed me. I thought to myself, “Hmmmm . . . he’s cute . . . rockin’ his black sweater, black jeans and black Chucks.” I continued to the check-out line.

As I would do in any situation, I turned around to look at the person who stepped into the line behind me in the check out. Guess who it was? Yes, Mr. All Black Everything. When I turned around, I said to him, “I really like your look.” This was true. Remember, I had already been thinking that his all black look was dope. I just hadn’t said anything as I rushed passed him toward the checkout.

His response: I like yours, too.

“NEXT!,” the cashier called out, breaking up our little in-line conversation. I stepped up to check out. He went to the next available cashier. He walked out of the store before I did. When I made it out of the store, Mr. All Black Everything was standing on the sidewalk. Hmmm . . .maybe he’s waiting for an Uber. Nope. He was waiting for me. Long story short: he picked up the conversation and made sure to get my number before we each got into our cars.

I can’t say I was really intending to flirt with Mr. All Black Everything. I just thought he was cute and liked the look he put together for himself. Genuinely. When I had an easy opportunity to tell him so, I did, and it led to a further conversation.

The Kind of Compliments I Give Men I Don’t Know

I’ll compliment men on any number of things. My only rule for my compliment-giving is that it be genuine – that I’m not just saying it to say it. Below are some of my go-to phrases.

“Beautiful shoes.”
“Well, don’t you look dapper.” (Usually if he’s got on a suit or tux or looks like he’s going to a special event.)
“Look at those waves!” (For guys who have low fade haircuts and put effort into having wavy hair. It really matters to them.)
“Beautiful teeth.”
“You smell nice.”

You’ll note that these are acknowledgements of a particular attribute, article of clothing or accessory they’re wearing. None of these statements are bombastic. Grand statements, like “Ooooo, you’re so fine,” or something like that are comments I’m not likely to make without first receiving that kind of comment from him. Though men appreciate being told nice things, those big statements can make them uncomfortable – so uncomfortable that they just don’t know what to say or do. If, for example, you tell a man that he’s “gorgeous” or “stunning,” and he doesn’t find you to be equally as beautiful, he’s not going to know what to say in response. No decent man wants to hurt a woman’s feelings (that’s why some of them just lie and ghost women), so he might feel uneasy in the face of such a lofty statement from a woman.

I’m also cognizant of staying away from behavior that can be classified as “thirsty.” I’m happy to return a grand compliment like that (if I find him to be attractive), but I’m more likely to say something about his outfit or his smile before I’m going to give him an overall “you’re super amazing-looking” kind of affirmation.

However you choose to go about doing it, ladies, be sure to say something nice to someone on this here National Compliment Day. . . and on future days as well. Specifically, consider complimenting a man. They just don’t get lauded enough and it doesn’t cost you anything to share a kind word. If you’re not used to giving compliments to men you don’t know, I encourage you to try it. You’ll feel great and it’ll TOTALLY brighten his day. You might even end up sparking a conversation. You never know where that could lead. 😉

2020 Goals for Single Girl

January 3, 2020 by tanya

New beginnings are meaningful to me. I love having the chance to reset and to put away the matters of the past with an eye toward the future. Making firm decisions and new commitments can be energizing and inspiring. That was then, we can say to ourselves. This is now. And though the dates we set around these decisions and commitments are pretty arbitrary, there’s something about a definite date that puts a metaphorical line in the sand. June 1, 19 blah-blah-blah was the day that I decided to stop smoking, one might say. Or, the day I turned 30, I made the decision to take control of my life and stop being self-destructive, another might say. Whatever it is, that first step – making the decision – turns on a switch and has the potential to send us in a different, better direction.

With this being the start of not only a new year, but a whole new decade, I’m really excited about the promises that the future holds. I’m looking forward to intentionally giving this decade of my life a different tone. I’m not on that “new year, new me . . . 20/20 clarity of vision” thing that folks are doing. I know that nothing changes until I do. I’m talking about real change – not just a declaration of the decision to change. I intend to make this year a really strong start. Ten years from now, I want to be able to look back and say that 2020 was the year that things really started to change for me. Quantum leap, amazing changes.

This year, I’m intentionally committing to less. I’m not doing my usual, which is to have 8-10 goals for the year. That hasn’t worked well in the past for me. I figure I better do something different if I want a different result.

My Word for the Year

That said, my word for the year is “Focus.” Focus. Focus. Focus. That’s a powerful word for me because I have a tendency to do a bunch of things, while failing to go as deeply into them (and being as successful in them) as I’d like. While I look forward to one day being a person who has multiple, reliable sources of income, I may have subscribed to that a bit too early in my entrepreneurial journey. I think I need to get a one or two things really, really right, then branch off into various other forms of income. I’ve come to terms with the fact that doing something really well takes time – and focus.

One of my favorite quotes from Warren Buffet is this: “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” This makes a lot of sense to me; I think it is just easier said than done. That would explain why this action applies to the “really successful people” – that world-class level of people who have accomplished more than others.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
~ Warren Buffet, Gagillionaire American Investor and Money Guy

With “focused” being my modus operandi, below are my specific goals.

FINANCIAL GOALS

(1) Double revenues generated through business.

With this, I’m referring to top-line gross income, not the income on which I pay personal taxes.

(2) Reduce my total debt balance by $46,000.

This amount is double the amount by which I reduced my debt in 2019. In order to make this happen, significant changes will have to occur. This is definitely a stretch goal for me. I’m inspired by it because I will have to do things differently in 2020 in order to make it happen.

PERSONAL GOAL

My personal goal is to lose 18 pounds, through a habit of exercise (beyond playing tennis) and a sustainable, balanced diet. That would put me at my goal weight of 120 lbs. It takes significant work and sacrifice for me to get to 120 lbs, but I did it at points in 2019, 2018, 2017 and 2016. My aim now is to do it by creating a lifestyle that allows me to maintain it.

The balanced nature of the diet is important to me because I want to implement changes that are long-lasting. I realize now that my restricted diet wasn’t something that I would be interested in maintaining as a lifestyle. When I was faced with figuring out how to function within the boundaries of both my restricted diet and restricted budget, I started to reconsider why I was continuing to operate under such restrictions. I wasn’t enjoying food anymore. Figuring out what to eat was giving me angst.

I want to be healthy, look great and feel great. But I want to do it in a way that I can: (1) not have a tense relationship with food, (2) maintain a reasonable budget, and (3) maintain balance (i.e. enjoy food sometimes).

FUN STUFF

Here are 2 “fun” desires that I’m putting out into the universe for 2020 (but not considering an active goal per se):

Go on 2 out-of-state trips with a guy (doesn’t have to be the same guy) that I truly enjoy being with and with whom I have a great romantic relationship.

Have at least 2 spa experiences (either solo or with someone).

Be able to not do any client work the last 2 weeks of the year.

I plan to be rigid, intentional and diligent. Decisions will need to be filtered through the lens of . . . will this help me get closer to my goals?

Don’t new beginnings get you fired up?

What are your plans for 2020?

How many goals do you have? (More importantly, have you written them down? I’m sure you’ve heard that they likelihood of accomplishing your goals is significantly higher if you capture them in writing. So, do it. :-))

What will you do differently so that you can actually achieve these goals?

The Manscape – December 2019

December 30, 2019 by tanya

There was a good bit of dude activity this month. I didn’t expect so much to happen over the last 30 days, but it was nice to get out and have some memorable experiences . . . and a couple of surprises.

Whole Foods Joker

The “Make Up”

Last month, Whole Foods Joker and I got off to a bad start and I ended up flipping out on him. Where we left off was him saying that he wanted to make up for his “we missed each other” excuse for his no call, no show shenanigans for the first date we had scheduled. Well, he did what he said he would do. A couple of days after he said that he would set up the spa visit for me, I received a text from him telling me to go ahead and book my massage at the hotel spa that was my preferred choice.

When I called the hotel, they were expecting my call. The representative at the hotel mentioned that Whole Foods Joker had actually gone into the hotel to make arrangements for the service. This is notable because he took the time and effort to physically do to the hotel (it’s not near his side of town), choose the longer vs. shorter massage offered and pay for it. I appreciated him doing this. After booking the appointment, I sent him the following message:

I scheduled my appointment. It is not lost on me that you physically went to the hotel to make arrangements. Like I said, I really respect people’s times, so I want you to know that I acknowledge and appreciate both your time and effort. It appears that you really meant what you said.

His response: Thanks and it won’t happen again. I appreciate you to the max and we just met. You reminded me of a principle that I live by, which is no excuses, no matter what the circumstances when it’s humanly possible! So far I really like you and I have a strong feeling that we’re going to become great friends.

The Birthday

Later that week, I celebrated my birthday. Whole Foods Joker forgot to reach out to me on that day, even though we previously discussed it. After my birthday passed and we were texting, he asked me about getting together during the upcoming weekend. When I mentioned that I had birthday plans for the weekend, he immediately became apologetic for forgetting to reach out to me the day before (my actual birthday). He noted that we had spoken about my birthday a couple of times, so he felt that he was definitely remiss for not remembering to say anything to me on the actual day. “I’ll have to make it up to you again,” he said.

The next day, I got a call from one of the receptionists at my business club stating that they had “something” there for me.

“Is this something I need to come and pick up today?” I asked.

“I would,” she responded.

He sent the bouquet of flowers pictured above.

A Lovely Surprise

Right before Christmas, Whole Foods Joker took me to lunch at my favorite high-end Thai restaurants. It was a cool, relaxed and pleasant lunch. While there, he said that, though he doesn’t want to push in any way, he does like me and wants to continue our communication and interaction.

He also asked me if I would feel uncomfortable if he gave me a Christmas gift. Totally surprised that he got me a gift, I told him the truth. “I love gifts,” I said. “I’m happy to receive it if you don’t mind that I didn’t get a Christmas gift for you.” He assured me that he wasn’t at all concerned about me not having gotten him a gift.

The gift was nicely wrapped in a Saks Fifth Avenue box. I opened it to find a bottle of Kilian’s Good Girl Gone Bad perfume in a beautiful white case with a gold serpent’s head on it. I had previously never heard of that perfume, but I love how it smells. It smells fancy and sophisticated. It is now the most expensive bottle of perfume that I have.

In addition to the perfume, he made a peach cobbler for me to share with my family on Christmas. I thought that was very nice of him.

One more thing: he mentioned that he has tickets to the Babyface concert in March and invited me to be his date for the show. I told him that I would. At this point, I think it would be fair to modify his name from Whole Foods Joker to simply Whole Foods.

Jameson

On the heels of the cabin trip we did last month, Jameson and I had another wonderful experience this month. About a week prior to my birthday, he asked me to provide him with a few date and time windows during which I’d be able to do some sort of mystery “activity.”

They mystery activity ended up being a helicopter tour over the city! I was sooooooo excited about it, once we pulled up to the airplane for the private jets, I was delighted that I’ve had the chance to experience something I’ve never experienced.

He knows that I love experiences, and he provided a great one that I really enjoyed and appreciated.

After the ride, we went and indulged in Cadillac margaritas and Mexican food.

Basketball Ex

I got another tremendous birthday surprise when my ex, with whom I haven’t spoken in years, reached out to me. First, I saw a missed call from him on my phone. Then, I saw an email from him. I could tell from the email address he used to reach me that he Googled me to find my contact information.

Basketball Ex is 6’7”, gorgeous (at least he was when I was with him) and used to play professional basketball overseas. His basketball career ended a couple of years before we got together.

When we caught up with each other on the phone, he seemed excited to be talking. I was excited, too. It had been a long time since we had a conversation. A girlfriend of mine ran into him at the gym a couple of years ago. And my mom ran into him at Best Buy a few years back, as well. I haven’t seen him since we broke up about 12 years ago.

He shared that he married and is recently divorced. In addition to the child he had before we got together, he now has 2 more, including a 2-year old. We caught up on how he was doing and how I’ve been over the years. We reminisced and laughed about the great times we had when we were together.

My favorite parts of the conversation were the ones where he expressed his regret over how he handled our relationship – how stupid he had been when we were together (it feels good when they recognize their foolishness, right?). He said that, though he’s been married, he hasn’t been in love any woman since he’d was in love with me. “I should have married you when I had the chance,” he said. Yes, he should have, for his sake. For mine, however, it’s a good thing he didn’t.

He asked if we could stay in touch, possibly get together in person and be friends. Of course. I have no ill feelings toward him and no regrets when it comes to our relationship. He was never a bad guy to begin with and it sounds like he’s grown even more spiritually and mentally. I’ve grown as well. The energy between us is good.

He also stated that he was hopeful that we could possibly see how things might work for us again romantically. I don’t see that happening, but I never say never even if I believe it’s a never situation. He sent me a “Good morning” text on each of the 2 days that followed my birthday. I haven’t heard from him since. That doesn’t surprise me. I think he expected me to be eager about the prospect of possibly getting back together. I was polite, but I don’t think I gave off the “I’m interested” vibe.

Cigar Bar

One portion of the botanical garden display.

Last month, I went to a fraternity event at a local cigar bar. A law school friend of mine is a member of the fraternity and he invites me to their functions. I didn’t feel like going, but a girlfriend of mine has recently been lamenting her lack of male action attention and wanted me to take her along to the event.

There is no shortage of men in a cigar bar. You know how you go somewhere, you see a bunch of guys in the room, but there’s that one in there that you really want to approach you? The one guy in the whole place that you want? That’s who this guy was. I danced with, made eye contact with, or had flirty exchanges with a few other guys, but this was the cutie pie that I’d hoped would ask me to dance or start talking to me. (As a general rule, I don’t approach men, however, I do try to make sure that I’m very approachable so that they feel comfortable talking to me.) Later in the evening he initiated a conversation, we danced, and we exchanged numbers.

A couple of weeks later, we went on great date at a nice restaurant in the city. After we finished the dinner portion of the date, he suggested that we go to the bar and have another drink. Later that week he made arrangements with me for our next date.

He’s a good-looking guy and I like his style. Our conversation flowed well during dinner. He was thorough and seemed very genuine when responding to my questions. He was good about throwing them back my way, but not as good about initiating his own. I don’t make much of that because many great guys aren’t so good at that.

Our 2nd date was last night. We went to see the holiday light display at the botanical garden. It was gorgeous!

My favorite part of the botanical garden exhibit – lights synchronized to music.

Everything was great until the end. When we were giving each other a goodbye hug, I expected him to initiate a kiss. Instead, he asked me for a “night cap.” We’re the same age, so the use of the term “nightcap” was interesting to me. I associate it with old people and The Love Boat.

“What does a nightcap entail?” I asked.

“It would be me coming to your place or you coming to mine . . .”

I didn’t listen to the rest of the explanation. I smiled and politely said, “Not tonight.”

We ended up texting a little bit after we left one another. He said that he went to a lounge that he’d been wanting to visit. He was still there while we were texting. At around 1:43 a.m. the texts stopped. I’m thinking he was looking for someone to handle his nightcap desires for the evening, since I didn’t oblige. It’ll be interesting to see if he asks me out again and how long it takes him to do that.

Mr. Nice For Now

Mr. Nice for Now has been overseas for about 5 weeks. He returns on New Year’s Eve. He’s been pretty consistent in communicating with me via What’s App while he’s been gone. I was surprised by that, but my friends were not. Though I didn’t expect him to totally go MIA, I didn’t expect him to reach out to me more often while he was away than he does when he’s here. It’s a smart move on his part – making sure to remain in consistent contact. It demonstrates that he’s thinking ahead. Some guys get distracted and get sparse with their communication. Then, when they decide to step up their interaction again, they think that the woman is going to think nothing of his negligent behavior.

While he’s been gone, I’ve thought about our situation and what I’d like to do about it. Though it suited my purposes for awhile, I don’t think it suits them any longer. Apparently it is serving his purposes because we’ve never spoken about making it any more than what it is. Spending time with someone who I know isn’t a good match for me long-term and with whom I don’t have the best chemistry isn’t working for me anymore. I can direct that time and energy elsewhere. I realize that operating consistently – and we’ve been seeing each other consistently for almost 11 months – with what is “nice for now,” but not what I really want, is sending the wrong message to my subconscious. What I should be focused on is what I truly want, not a temporary placeholder. I mean no disrespect with that statement. It’s just fact. What I should really be focused on is Vortexy Next Dude.

The Bulldozer

The Bulldozer is a platonic friend, so my relationship with him doesn’t qualify as one that should be included in the These Dudes category. Nonetheless, I mention my experiences and relationship with him because he is a man who has consistently been in my life and has been an important part of it. I value his friendship. In the same way that a father can show his daughter how she should be treated by men, my relationship with my male friends, including The Bulldozer, reinforces some of the ways I should be treated by the men in my life.

What I also appreciate is how, as a friend, he has exposed me to experiences that have been impactful in my life. Though the number of times that we have physically been in the same space is very limited (about 5 times in the last 7 years), the experiences we’ve had have been very positive for me as a woman. What I mean by that is that his he’s provided experiences for me, as his friend, that some women don’t get from men with whom they are romantically involved. It is helpful for a lady’s psyche and confidence when she has consistent positive experiences with great men – whether on a platonic or romantic level.

I’d been looking forward to our Vegas trip and it did not disappoint! The Bulldozer wouldn’t tell me much by way of details prior to my arrival, other than that the room he booked for us came with a concierge and that a driver would be at the airport to meet me.

I received a text indicating that the driver was there at the airport. He helped me get my suitcase from the baggage claim and proceeded to walk me to the stretch Cadillac limousine that he’d be using to take me to the Aria.

The room was amazing (see pics below)! We had a great time in Vegas. While in the room, we enjoyed chatting and joking with each other. We also got the chance to rest a bit (i.e., we didn’t want to exhaust ourselves by running around the hotel and the city nonstop).

To show some appreciation without breaking the bank, I had to campaign to get my mom to give me a bottle of Hennessy Pure White that she bought when we were on our of our overseas trips (we get the Pure White because it’s a liquor item that is very difficult to find in the United States). I also went to a high-end cigar shop and bought him 2 cigars for him to smoke with one of his buddies. (If you’re ever looking for a gift that appears to be high-end, but isn’t necessarily so, a cigar is a great option. This is especially true if you buy it from a fancy store that will put it in a nice bag or wrapping paper. They generally start as low as $10. Even for a man who doesn’t or rarely smokes, it is something he can have for special occasions. I’ve found cigars to be something that most guys can appreciate.)

My flight arrived about 12 hours prior to The Bulldozer’s, so I had a good bit of time to do with as I pleased. I had to get a couple of emails out to clients, then I hung out with a college classmate of mine who lives in Vegas. We planted ourselves in the Aria lobby, catching up, reminiscing, laughing and drinking. It was a great time!

Both of us were IN LOVE with the suite we had (you know how I feel about hotels!). In. Love. Not only did it have 2 full bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms (each with an independent bathtub, full closet and separate steam shower), it also had a toilet room with a heated toilet. After sitting on the warm seat, one could spray one’s front or back, and could have the water oscillate while spraying such front or back area. Then, you could turn the dryer on to get rid of the wetness. This toilet was well beyond any bidet I had ever experienced! I want one now.

The Bulldozer and I ordered room service for breakfast in our living room every morning. We went to Top Golf, had the most awesomest sea bass, king crab leg, calamari and steak dinner at Jean Georges Steakhouse, and saw the Jabbawockeez show. We had a blast! We agreed that the experience was great for both of us and for our friendship.