Archives for November 2019

4 Things For Which ALL Single Girls Should Be Grateful

November 29, 2019 by tanya

There’s so much for which I’m grateful. I woke up today with all of my senses and all of my appendages intact. Some people didn’t. I’m pain-free and healthy (despite the demon fibroids in my uterus); not everyone can say the same. I have amazing relationships with my immediate family. Some people don’t. I laid awake in a comfortable bed, in a home that is well-appointed, that has heat, electricity, and water. Some people didn’t have that same experience this morning. I have reliable transportation in which I feel safe and that no one is threatening to repossess. Some people are stressed every day over how they will get from place to place. I am able to make a living that is well above the poverty line. Though the poverty line is a very low bar, some folks can’t seem to get beyond it. While I’m not at all near where I’d like and plan to be in my life, there’s a lot in my life that is good and that I cannot take for granted.

Another aspect of my life that I appreciate is that I am a single woman. While there are both benefits and drawbacks to this status, for as long as I am single, I intend to focus on all that is great about being in this position. A single woman has unique opportunities that her married counterparts simply don’t have – opportunities for which all single girls should be very grateful. Check out the list below.

(1) Freedom

A single woman has the freedom to go, be and do as she wishes. She can, literally, be wherever she physically wants to be. Don’t like your current city? Relocate. Don’t like your current job? Get a different one. One might say, “Well, it’s not that easy.” I didn’t say it was easy; what I’m saying is that it can be done.

Those without children have an immense amount of liberty. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you must stay somewhere or do something that you don’t want to do. Regardless of the critical role that you play at your job or in your civic organizations – you have freedom. If someone could take Steve Jobs’ role at Apple, you, too, can be replaced.

I have a friend who, for years, wouldn’t leave her hometown because of the role (a volunteer role!) that she played at her church. She felt that the church organization wouldn’t be able to function in her absence. I’m a straight-shooter so I told her the truth. “You’re not that important. Trust me. If you want to move to another city, do it. They’ll be fine without you.” To her surprise, the church continued to operate and thrive in her absence, while she enjoyed the benefit of actually pursuing her own goals. For years, she Jedi mind tricked her own damn self into thinking that she didn’t have the flexibility to do what was best for her.

When it comes to dating, single girls have the chance to explore. The opportunities are endless. You can date various people (whatever kinds of people you’re into). You can have the sexual experiences you want to have and no one say nary a word regarding what you do. (Caveat: if you’re all up in these streets acting thoterrific, risking your physical and mental health, don’t be surprised if someone who loves you has something to say about it.) You can gain tremendous knowledge from the various experiences you have – learning more about what you want and don’t want out of mate.

(2) Choice

A single woman can make choices for herself without having to consider the desires of another adult person. Really. You can choose how you want to handle every single area of your life – your physical location, how you make money, how you’ll spend money, where you’ll vacation . . . everything! As long as it doesn’t hurt someone else (and, as long as you focus on yourself, few decisions should fall into this category), a single lady has unmitigated latitude to do as she wishes.

Everybody’s talkin’ all this stuff about me
Why don’t they just let me live
I don’t need permission to
Make my own decisions
That’s my prerogative
~ Bobby Brown, “My Prerogative,” Don’t Be Cruel

Even single girls with children have, at least, some level of flexibility. You’re the adult in your family situation, so you run the show. You only have to consider the desires of another adult person to the extent that it impacts your children and their relationship with their father (or their bonus mom, if you co-parent with another woman). But, there’s a lot in your life over which you still have control.

(3) Time

A single woman’s primary obligation is to herself and, if she is a mother, her children. Without having to be obligated to take care of a mate, a single girl can focus on herself. She can take the time she needs to figure out the direction in which she wants to go with her life. She can spend the time she needs to develop her interests and pursuing her goals.

Your time is your own. You don’t have to abide by or be cognizant of anyone else’s calendar other than your own. If you don’t have kids, there’s no running around the city from soccer to dance to piano lessons. If you want to spend a whole day at the movies, you can. If you want to spend an entire weekend at a silent retreat center, you can. There’s also no having to check in with someone else to let them know that you will be home late. I love, love, love that I can take some time to myself without that hurting someone else’s feelings or them feeling like my desire to be alone has something to do with them.

I think we (myself included) get so used to our habits and the things we usually do, that we forget that there’s a lot we don’t have to do. When we choose to over commit ourselves to the projects and objectives of others, that our own fault.

(4) Hope

Assuming that you want to have a mate, be grateful that you still have the chance to find a great one. Being single, you could literally, meet the love of your life tomorrow. Regardless of the relationship and dating experiences you’ve had in the past, your future is still full of opportunity. That’s not quite the case for your girlfriend who was so eager to be married that she married a clown who doesn’t treat her well. Or, the one who posts the #relationshipgoals photos on Facebook, all the while pretending that her husband isn’t having an affair. Of course, some people have amazing marriages. But, a lot of people don’t. Delight in the fact that you’re not one of those women in a bad one. An unmarried woman is still in the position to the perfect fit.

If you were lamenting your single status this holiday, don’t. Count your blessings and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

The Manscape – November 2019

November 27, 2019 by tanya

Ahhhh, these dudes.

Work Weekend With Jameson

The month started off with the weekend cabin trip that I mentioned in my Low Budget Ballin’ post. Jameson is a long-time friend. He invited me to do a “work weekend” at a beautiful lake cabin about an hour and a half north of the city. He’s got a big project on which he’s been working. I always have plenty that I need to do. So, he combined my love of a getaway with my desire to get things done.

Before agreeing to accompany him, I asked him if he was sure, sure, sure that he didn’t want to go with someone who he knew would be interested in having a romantic experience with him. He assured me that I was his choice.

We’ve known each other since we were children. He’s had a crush on the girl since then. He says that my little just-starting-to-develop boobs were the first ones he ever saw. We were playing a game of Chutes and Ladders and, when I leaned across the board to move my piece, he got a quick peek down my shirt. He and other members of his family were around my family beginning decades ago. As we became young adults (i.e., when we were engaged in our respective college careers), he became more clear and direct about his desire to have a romantic relationship. I finally decided to give us a chance when I was in law school.

Out of the approximately 34 years that we’ve known each other, we officially dated for about 1. He says he hasn’t had a girlfriend since me. (Shrug). Though we speak regularly, we had the opportunity, while at the cabin, to have some really in-depth, honest conversations. I think we both find the conversations to be very enlightening.

Why is his name “Jameson”? This man drinks excessively. He likes whiskey, so Jameson is an appropriate name. It’s to the point where, while under the influence, he’s done some things about which he’s incredibly ashamed. His drunken activities have severely impacted, if not totally destroyed, any possibility of me ever being willing to get back together with him. Though he has some qualities that I really admire, appreciate and love about him, there are a few other qualities that make a reconciliation highly unlikely.

Nonetheless, Jameson and I are still friends. Though he has stated at the cabin that he wants to get back together, he recognizes that I’m not interested in that. He’s made it clear that, whether with him or not, he wants me to be happy and wants to make sure that we maintain a friendship.

There’s a lot of water under the bridge known as our friendship. I’ll share more about it in future posts.

Jameson did a great job in choosing a nice cabin for us. When we were at the farmer’s market buying food for the cabin, he bought me some flowers and a vase and even arranged them while I made dinner later that night. He brought candles for the hot tub and even air freshener to elevate the living environment. He, clearly, made an effort to ensure that we had a nice stay. I appreciate that.

When it comes to the money, he covered everything except the “small contribution” I offered to make toward the food. I budgeted $30 for this contribution, but ended up going about $14 over budget. I took the extra funds from a different budget category to cover the shortfall.

Mr. Nice For Now

The weekend after the cabin stay was Mr. Nice For Now’s birthday. Due to some work obligations, he was shackled to his home office, so I went over to his house. He cooked a great meal for us. I surprised him with a card and a cake.

The following weekend, when he could go out, I took him to dinner. This was the first time, since we started seeing each other 9 months ago, that I’ve ever paid for a dinner date. Remember my position: if I’ve got to pay for dates, I’ll stop dating. My debt-free journey can’t support that. Debt-free journey or no, my personality and dating style don’t support that, either.

Of course, I gave Mr. Nice For Now the choice of the location for his birthday dinner date. He’s a steak man so I totally expected him to say that he wanted to go to Morton’s, Ruth’s Chris or the Capital Grill. To my utter delight, he told me that he wanted to have Ethiopian food because he hadn’t had it in about 20 years. What?! Ethiopian?! Yay! First of all, I love Ethiopian food and second of all, it’s a whole lot cheaper than any steakhouse. It was still a $100 dinner, but it was less than the alternative. Overall, I went $24.52 over budget for what I allocated for his birthday.

To my utter delight, he told me that he wanted to have Ethiopian food because he hadn’t had it in about 20 years. What?! Ethiopian?! Yay!

Mr. Nice for Now left for Asia a few days ago. He’ll be there from now until the end of the year (about 5 weeks). The night after we went out for his birthday, he took me to my favorite restaurant. Next month is my birthday, so he wanted to take me out before he left, since he won’t be in town when my birthday rolls around. A couple of days before he left, he got us a couples massage. It was his first time ever having one, despite the fact that he had been married. I was glad to be able to experience that with him.

He’s been sweet since he left, sending me update messages through What’s App. His time away will be a good opportunity for me to think through where I want this go and whether or not I want to continue the situationship. Really, it’s more about whether or not I want to continue it (I get really contemplative around the end of the year as I consider what I want to carry with me into the New Year and what I don’t). I’ve learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we’re not a match for anything long-term. We don’t have the level of chemistry that I would need from a man with whom I intend to spend the rest of my life. He has some amazing qualities, but our visions for our lives are not aligned. He’s okay with working at his job until he retires, not caring to progress and hoping to not rock the boat. That’s not consistent with how I want my life to be.

Hanging with Harvard

Once a month, I get together with my boy, Harvard. That’s his alma mater, so that’s how he got that name. For our monthly get together, we usually have dinner and drinks at the same restaurant in Midtown.

Interestingly, we don’t talk much in between our meetings. We just know that each month we can look forward to getting together to catch up. It usually starts with a run down of his love life. When we first met about 9 years ago (at an event for Ivy League alums), he was in a strained marriage. Shortly after that, he got divorced. Since then, he’s pursued a lifestyle of non-monogamy (yeah, I didn’t know that was a thing, either) and is living his best life. It has been interesting to see him doing him and being who and how he wants to be.

He also has an affinity for strippers and instathots. It’s funny because, as I’ve told him before, one would never guess by looking at his buttoned-up-looking self that he’s about that life.

He also has an affinity for strippers and instathots.

This month, we celebrated his birthday. So, though he always pays for our outings, this time I paid for it. Unfortunately, when I was doing the November budget, I forgot that his birthday meal would need to be handled this month. I messed up.

The Whole Foods Joker Gets Blasted

Whole Foods Joker is a guy that I met at . . . the Whole Foods Market. Apparently, he was on his way out of the store, walking across the parking lot, as I was walking in. It had just stopped raining so it was wet outside. As I walked in, not knowing that someone was watching me, I wiped the bottom of my shoes by doing a little twist dance kind of thing. Apparently, he thought that was cute – cute enough to come back into the store to talk to me and get my number.

In the weeks that followed, he called me and texted me a couple of times. He was very polite and gentlemanly in his communication. He told me that he wanted to take me out for lunch or dinner – whatever I wanted – and he would make whatever time he needed to make in order for us to get together.

Cool. We set up a date for a week later – Saturday at 2 p.m. I ask him where he wants to meet. He says, “We’ll communicate before then.” I respond that that’s okay with me.

So the whole week passes and I don’t hear anything from him. Saturday comes and goes and I still don’t hear anything from him. Now, one might ask why I didn’t just reach out to him to confirm the date and to ask again where we would meet. I don’t do that. That’s not my dating style. As a general rule, I don’t pursue men. As a very specific rule, I don’t take any significant steps to go out with or talk to a man with whom I’ve never been on a date. I definitely, definitely don’t confirm first dates.

Sunday passed with still no word from him. Then Monday rolls around and he calls. I was on another call at the time, so I sent a quick text stating that I’d call him back. In the meantime, he sends a text saying, “Hey pretty lady. We missed each other this past weekend. Hope all is well.”

What?! “Missed each other”?! No, mutherfucker, we didn’t miss each other. You said we would communicate so, at that point, you dictated what was going to happen and you didn’t make it happen. You didn’t communicate. We did not “miss” each other.

I’ve said this before. I really admire and respect men who do what they say they’re going to do. It doesn’t have to be to the point of perfection (because that’s not even possible), but you can’t totally blow it on a first date attempt – especially after you were basically begging to go out on said date. What I don’t respect is a man who doesn’t take ownership and, worse, tries to act as if I had something to do with the mishap.

What I don’t respect is a man who doesn’t take ownership and, worse, tries to act as if I had something to do with the mishap.

I had to set this joker straight. I didn’t hold back. It’s definitely not my place to reprimand a grown man, but I certainly can tell a man what is not acceptable to me, especially when he’s reaching out to me asking to spend time with me. If he had simply said that something crazy/unexpected had come up, I would have responded differently. It still wouldn’t have been acceptable to me, but I would have respected his approach more.

Of course, he was initially defensive and acted like what I was saying to him was out of line. He said I was lacking in compassion and was making a big deal out of something small. Let’s be clear: doing a no call, no show on this girl is a big deal. He initially stated that “something must have happened” to make him not, at least, reach out to me on Saturday. But, “I can’t think of what it was right now.”

Clown.

I continued to go in. When I flipped the scenario for him (i.e., if the tables were turned and I said blankety blank . . . ), laid out the facts about what he had said and how he acted, it finally clicked for him. He became profusely apologetic and finally admitted that he really “blew it.”

He asked for forgiveness and another chance – particularly a another chance at a first date. He said, “At this point, I’m begging. Let me make it up.” I reluctantly agreed.

Today, he’s offered to facilitate a spa visit in an attempt to make up for his foolishness. He asked me where I prefer to go, what services I prefer to get, and what day would be best for me. He said he’ll “take care of it.” We’ll see.

Plans With The Bulldozer

The Bulldozer is my friend who is flying me out to Las Vegas to hang out in December. He’s The Bulldozer because he doesn’t fuck around. He’s very God-fearing, has immense emotional intelligence, but commands respect and will not hesitate to tell anyone what they need to be told. The first time I saw him was at a conference. He was speaking on the stage and I thought, Jesus Christ, this guy is no joke. Later, he came up to a vendor booth that I was browsing. The vendor was selling books and I was perusing one of them. The Bulldozer then said, “I’ll buy you that book if you promise to email me after you’ve read it and tell me what you think of it.” I read the book and sent him my review of it. That was the beginning of our now 17-year, completely platonic, friendship.

The Bulldozer sent me the money for my airline ticket this month. While I normally want to fly at least business or comfort class (I know, I know – me and my preferences), he didn’t send enough for an elevated class seat. But, he sent significantly more than the amount of a regular coach class ticket. The old me would have added a little bit of money to what he sent and booked the higher class seat. The new me, however, bought the coach ticket and am praying for an automatic upgrade. Last year, I – by the skin of my teeth – earned status with an airline carrier. With that status, I get automatic upgrades if a seat is available in a higher class. Hence, I’m hoping for an upgrade. The extra $145.40 from the money he sent will be put towards food for the trip.

My friend is in the process of choosing the accommodations. Right now, it’s between the Bellagio or the Aria. We’ll either get 2 rooms side-by-side or a 2-bedroom suite. I’m excited to hang out with The Bulldozer. I truly value him as a friend.

A Note About Names

These names aren’t solely for the purpose of protecting the identities of people mentioned in this blog. I really use names like this for guys when talking to my girlfriends about men. The name is critical because it provides some quick memory-jogging context. Who’s the story about, again? Oh, yeah, that joker you met at Whole Foods. Hence, the name Mr. Whole Foods Joker. My girlfriends and I delight ourselves in some of the names that we’ve come up with for the guys in our respective circles. Here are some of the names for my dudes and my girlfriend’s dudes.

Pencil (which represented his allegedly short pencil-sized penis)
Repeat Performance (because the loving was so good to her the first time, she wanted it again)
Jerk Of The Year (you get it)
Motorcycle Boy
Young Tech (younger and in the technology field)
Ass Out (I walked outside of my condo one day and saw his naked ass with no pants on. Interesting story. Maybe I’ll write about it one day.)
Grandpa (he was hella old)
Admirer
Barber Boy

I know, it’s so silly. But, it’s fun.

Handle Your Business . . . License

November 24, 2019 by tanya

When you start cleaning up, you’re bound to unleash some dirt.

As part of the process of me taking control of my finances, I’m also getting more organized in all of my affairs. This includes an assessment of my physical space, my physical fitness and health, and, quite importantly, my business.

My law firm serves as my main source of income. I’ve earned income through my real estate sales side hustle (If you missed that, click here), but the revenue from my practice is – by far – what I rely upon to live. I need it to continue to produce income; in fact, I need it to produce an increased amount of income. Moving into 2020, my foremost concern for my company is to generate significantly higher revenue on a consistent and reliable basis. Doing that requires that I really streamline our processes, learn more about and implement effective marketing strategies, and make sure that the affairs of the business, generally, are in good order.

I stay on top of my annual registration of the firm (it’s a limited liability company) with the Secretary of State, and I file the business taxes on the state and Federal levels. I also make sure to complete all requirements necessary to keep my professional licenses (i.e. my license to practice law in 2 states) in good standing, including the completion of annual continuing education courses and the payment of my annual license fees.

Though I’ve been on top of some things, I fell short in one particular area.

Like I said, when you start cleaning up, you’re bound to unleash some dirt. In my business, my big mess was my business license.

The Bad News For Me

This week I made a payment to the city for $4,047.08. I was told last month that I’d need to pay it and was given only 30 days to do it. If I didn’t pay it within the 30-day period, I’d have to pay additional funds in penalties. Four thousand dollars may not be a lot of money to some, but is a lot of money to me. Not paying attention and not being diligent in getting this handled earlier cost me heavily.

In my city, every business that operates within the city limits is required to have a business license. There may be some additional requirements (e.g., permits or professional licenses), but, at a minimum, the business should have a general business license.

I’ve known that businesses with storefronts needed business licenses (as they are usually prominently posted in the entry or near the cash wrap of retail operations). But, I didn’t come to that same conclusion for home-based based businesses and professional services businesses that didn’t require an office or storefront location that was not open to the public.

Several years ago, I was prompted to look into a business license because I was considering getting into government contracting (i.e., bidding to provide legal services to government entities). In order to be listed as a potential government contractor with the procurement departments of government agencies, a business must satisfy several requirements and provide certain documentation. Of course, evidence that the business exists (i.e., through formation with the Secretary of State) is an important one. Beyond that, there are a number of requirements, including the provision of a business license.

I began the process of obtaining the business license, but got held up at one part. When I reached out to one of the government agencies to get answers to my questions, I didn’t get much help. Because I wasn’t particularly pressed to pursue the government contracting route at that time, I let that little road block derail me. As time passed, I kept telling myself that I needed to resume that process, but I kept putting it off. Years went by and I continued to procrastinate.

It wasn’t until recently, when a client needed me to handle the business licenses for all of his businesses, that I got serious about the process again. Though it was still a bit cumbersome (in some other cities, it isn’t as complicated), the steps were clearer than I remembered them being years ago when I first attempted to get the business license.

The news for me was bad. Because I didn’t get the business license right after I originally started doing business in my city, I would have to not only pay the license fees owed based on the business’ revenues, but I’d also have to pay penalties. The penalty for failing to file each year is $500. I got lucky that the statute of limitations prevents the city from going back more than 3 years. But, even with the benefit of the 3-year limitation, my bill still ended up being over $4,000.

I got lucky that the statute of limitations prevents the city from going back more than 3 years. But, even with the benefit of the 3-year limitation, my bill still ended up being over $4,000.
~ Single Girl

How Can This Be?

How can a business owner not realize that they need to have a business license? I think that main reason is a lack of association of the physical, visible hanging license with businesses that are operated on computers and in Starbucks cafes. We’re all familiar with the slew of licenses and permits we see framed and hanging in the restaurants, stores, and entertainment facilities that we patronize. If the business doesn’t have a storefront or office, one wouldn’t readily know whether or not the business has or does not have a license. As lame as this sounds, maybe it was an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing. And, add the fact that, unlike businesses that have patrons coming in and out of them, a business that doesn’t have foot traffic isn’t faced with the threat that someone will call the city questioning the absence of a posted license or permit. When you don’t have a physical location for your business, the connection between those hanging, visible certificates and the legal status of the business is more tenuous. I guess. I’m not saying that’s a legitimate excuse.

With my firm, I’ve always worked either out of a home office or out of a shared office space. The office company providing the office space had a business license (again, framed and visible on the wall), but all of the businesses housed within the shared office space (including mine) did not similarly display the license. Once I experienced the hiccup in the license process years ago, I guess I just didn’t see it as a high priority.

It’s a wonder that no other client has ever needed us to handle this for them. We’ve formed countless limited liability companies and corporations, but have not, up until recently, really considered the business license process as part of our offerings. What I’ve found lately is that many people who do not run storefronts or businesses that are open to the public don’t realize that they need to have the business license.

The Bad News For You

The bad news for you is this: you probably need a business license, too. And, if you’re like many of the folks running home-based businesses and side-hustles, you probably don’t have one. You might very well be as non-compliant as I was.

For any business entity, there are a handful of critical elements:

Entity formation on the State level
The obtaining of a Federal Employer Identification Number (this should be done after the State has approved of the entity registration)
Business license on the local level (may be for the city and/or for the county)
Business permit (required for some businesses, but not all)
Professional license (required for some businesses, but not all)

To be clear: it’s not enough to register the business with the state (e.g., Jane Doe Productions, LLC). It’s also not enough to get an EIN for the business. To be fully compliant under the law, a business owner needs to take additional steps. For certain businesses, there can be a number of additional steps.

Though I don’t like it, it does make some sense. The business license requirement is, effectively, a tax – a tax based on the revenues generated by the business. The Feds get their share of income taxes. Almost all of the states (except certain states like Nevada, Washington, and Wyoming) get their share of income taxes. Additionally the states get income from annual corporate entity registrations.

Does Your City Require A Business License? Probably.

I’ve done some quick, high-level research on some major cities around the country. I found that, like my city, these cities require that any business operating within their city limits have a business license – even those that are operated out of a home. Even those that don’t have employees. Even those that don’t make any money. If you have a business, you’re probably included in this mix.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS:

A business license is required to “conduct, engage in, maintain, operate, or manage” a business in the city. Some types of businesses are exempt from the city licensure requirement because they are regulated by the Illinois Department of Financial & Professional Regulation (IDFPR). These exempt activities appear to be those primarily engaged in by people who are separately licensed (e.g., marriage and family therapists, dentists, real estate brokers, architects, chiropractors, etc.).

If your business does not fall within the exempt category, you need a business license. Even those who are self-employed or operate home-based businesses in their residence, need to obtain a Regulated Business License – Home Occupation.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

All businesses in Washington, D.C. must be properly licensed. The license will be issued by either the DCRA’s Business Licensing Division (most businesses) or by another D.C, licensing agency. This link might be helpful.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

To do business inside the city of Los Angeles, one needs to apply for a business tax registration certificate. This link might be helpful.

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA

In Charlotte/Mecklenburg County, all businesses need a business license (aka a “Privilege License”) – even those that are home-based. This link might be helpful.

Though the cities require that the business get the license or certificate, not all of these cities require that a business owner actually pay the tax. Since the tax is typically based on gross revenues, for business that make below a certain amount, a payment exemption may apply.

It Hurts, But It Needed to Be Done

Paying this damn $4,000 bill with only 30 days’ notice really put a dent in my business bank account. I’m so not fired up. Where I went wrong was in not filing for the license earlier – as soon as I started doing business in the City. If I had done it that way, I would have been paying this tax for a longer period of time, but I wouldn’t have had the shock of the lump-sum $4,000 payment.

Frankly, if I hadn’t affirmatively reached out to the city to go through the licensing process, there’s a chance that the city may not have ever said anything to me and I may not have ever had to pay the bill (or the annual bills that I will continue to pay, moving forward). But when you want to have your affairs in order . . . you need to get your affairs in order. Not having the license was the missing piece to being able to say that my business is fully legal and is operating in full compliance with the law. I’m glad that I can say that now.

One more business mistake down . . . more to go.

Money Move – A Debt Consolidation

November 22, 2019 by tanya

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Technically, I’m out of credit card debt. Last weekend, I applied for a debt consolidation loan for $26,000 to cover all of my credit card debt . . . and I actually got the loan. I was kind of surprised because, just this summer, I applied for a debt consolidation and got neither the amount I needed nor a rate that made any sense.

This time, I got a loan covering what I needed, as well as an interest rate much lower than what I’ve been paying on my credit cards. I used Lending Club and they’ve already wired the funds to pay off 2 of my 3 remaining credit cards. I’m waiting on the last payoff to hit my 3rd credit card account.

I hadn’t planned on applying for a consolidation this weekend. I was going through my mail and saw that Discover offered me a personal loan that I could use for consolidation. I was curious. What would they offer me? How much could I get?

They offered me the $26,000 to cover the balances on my credit cards, but at a rate of 17.99% for 5 years. The monthly payment on that would have been $660.09. The terms for $23,000 over 7 years would have been at 19.99%, with a monthly payment of $510.60.

A loan at that interest rate wouldn’t be helpful to me.

Since I was already in the consolidation mindset, I decided to see if I could get a loan with another company. Lending Club came through with the following terms:

New Loan: $26,000
Origination Fee: $260
Interest Rate: 5.89%; 6.57% APR
Monthly Payment: $790

Here’s a summary of what I was paying and the approximate interest I would have paid:

American Express: 15.99%
Discover: 5.99% on $3,020.13 of the balance; 22.74% on $10,000
Credit Union Credit Card: 14.40%

Considering the interest rates that I had on my credit cards, I think the consolidation is a good move. If I had less debt and was looking at a shorter payoff window (i.e., if I expected to pay off all of my debt within a year or less), doing a consolidation wouldn’t be as helpful. Given that I was paying between 14.40% and 22.74% on the majority of my credit card debt, there is a clear savings for me, as someone who has a fairly long debt repayment journey.

My overall goal with the debt consolidation was to get more bang for my debt payment buck. I wanted to end up with a monthly payment that was equivalent to what I’ve been paying separately to my different credit card creditors, with a substantially lower interest rate. That way, each payment would make a more substantial dent in the balance.

With the debt consolidation, I will make a total of 36 payments (3 years) of $790. I love that there’s a finite date. I don’t know why that’s significant to me, but it makes me feel good. If makes me feel that, at the very latest, I will have all of this credit card debt knocked out within 3 years.

With the debt consolidation, I’ll be saving about $3,800 in interest – at least.
~ Single Girl

Total interest on the $26,000 debt consolidation loan over 3 years is $2,394.53. If I pay it off in 2 years, the interest would be $2,118.27 – about a third of the amount of interest that I would have paid if I didn’t do the consolidation and left things status quo. Based on a 2 year calculation, with the other credit cards – as is – I would have paid about $6,225.25 in interest. With the debt consolidation, I’ll be saving about $3,800 in interest – at least.

The debt consolidation will require a rework of my debt snowball plan. Since all of the credit cards are now wrapped into one loan, my lowest balance is now my 2016 IRS tax balance. The next one is my 2017 tax balance. Here’s what the order of attack is now.

Under the new order of my debt snowball debts, this loan is going to be the 4th debt that I attack. I’ve first got to address the 2016 IRS bill, the 2017 IRS bill, then my car. While I’d love to say that I’ll pay this off next year or the year after, I recognize that I have to pay off almost $40,000 before I even get to this loan.

This is a very appropriate payoff order. Since the IRS charges significant fees and interest, and has the power to freeze my accounts, I’m glad that I’ll now be focused on getting them paid off as quickly as possible.

While the $790 monthly payment might seem high, it’s around the total of what I’ve been paying on the credit cards independently.

Chase Monthly Payment: $182 (recently paid off)
Credit Union Card Monthly Payment: $181
American Express Monthly Payment: $252
Discover Monthly Payment: $265

What I was paying prior to paying off the Chase card was $880 per month in total on credit cards.

A Note on Celebrations

I’m not going to forego my debt payoff celebrations even though the credit cards are consolidated into one loan. I will not wait until the full $26,000 is paid. Instead, I’ll do the celebrations in milestones. Every time I pay off an amount equal to what a particular credit card balance was, I’ll get to celebrate. For example, if the balance on my credit union credit card was $6,992 as of July, 2019 (when I fully committed to my debt-free journey), once I’ve paid off that amount on the consolidated loan, I’ll get to do a little celebration. My personal policy for celebrations is that I am allowed to celebrate the payoff of the debt with an amount equal to 1% of what the balance of that debt was as of July, 2019. So, when I’ve paid off $6,992, I’ll get to celebrate using up to $70 (i.e., 1% of $6,992, rounded up to the nearest dollar).

Water Heater Hack

November 20, 2019 by tanya

My hot water heater started acting up recently. I like to luxuriate in the shower so when I realized that the water was getting cold much too quickly, I was irritated that I had yet another home maintenance issue to address.

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

A couple of weeks ago, when a fuze on my HVAC system blew, I asked the guy who fixed that system to take a look at my hot water heater while he was up there handling the HVAC. He told me that the water heater is “about to go” and that I need to plan to replace it. The cost would be about $400 to $500 for the water heater and about $200 for the labor.

The old me would have decided pretty promptly to go ahead and get the thing replaced. If I didn’t have the cash, I would have just put the water heater and associated labor on a credit card.

The new me, however, makes decisions more intentionally and thoughtfully. I knew right away that, since I hadn’t budgeted $700 in November to fix a hot water heater, and it wasn’t an emergency (after all, the water was still getting hot, just not as hot or for as long as I like), I wouldn’t be spending the money right away for the water heater. I’m working on my credit sobriety, so the use of a credit card isn’t an option.

(Don’t get me wrong – I’ve taken cold showers before. When I studied abroad in west Africa, a hot shower wasn’t even an option because there was no hot water in the home of my first homestay family. I can tolerate a cold shower; I just really, really don’t want to have to take one.)

Last weekend, because the water in the shower was getting cold so quickly, I decided to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. Then, after I washed my hair, I did something in the bathroom (can’t remember what it was) that caused me to run the water in that sink as well. I was concerned that my use of the water in the kitchen and in the bathroom might infringe upon my available hot water for my shower.

To my surprise, the exact opposite occurred. I ended up having plenty of water to luxuriate in the shower. I even ended my shower when I felt like it, with the water still being hot. I’m assuming that this had something to do with me having already had the water in the house flowing from the other faucets. I assure you, prior to this weekend, the cold water was truly an issue for me.

I’m not sure why this is happening, but I’m delighted. I had a guy look at my dishwasher about a year ago (doesn’t it seem like my whole house is falling apart?) and he noted that my dishwasher water doesn’t get hot unless I first run the water in the sink next to it. When I did a quick Google search, I learned from an article by thekitchn.com that “Especially in the winter, the pipes in our homes can get cold even if the water heater is working. Running hot water will clear out any cold water from the pipes and warm them up, which helps any appliance in [the] home get hot water faster.” Maybe that’s what’s going on with the water heater/water in the shower.

Now, whenever I want to take a shower, I first turn on the kitchen and bathroom sink faucets and let them run for awhile. Then, I have more than enough hot water.

If I can delay the replacement of the water heater, I can focus on pulling together the $8,000.
~ Single Girl

The reason this discovery is such a big deal for me is because having the hot water reduces the level of urgency for me with regard to the replacement of the water heater. Yes, I know I need to get it replaced and am working that into my plans. I’m also in the face of an $8,000 HOA assessment. I need to come up with that money by February. If I can delay the replacement of the water heater, I can focus on pulling together the $8,000.

What makes me happy is that I’m being thoughtful in how I solve these unexpected money problems instead of engaging in knee-jerk spending. This is different for me. Looks like the girl is turning over a new leaf.

The Tsunami Situation – Student Loan Edition

November 17, 2019 by tanya

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Writing this post has been sad for me.

This is the first time in over 15 years that I’ve actually looked at and studied my original student loan documents. In doing so, I’ve had to face the reality of how stupid I’ve been. Really stupid. It’s one thing to see your current six figure balance. It’s a whole other thing to see that it started off as five.

I still have a hard copy of the letter that Sallie Mae sent to me 18 years ago, 2 months before my law school graduation. It gave me advance notice that I was scheduled to begin repaying my loans 6 months after my upcoming graduation. As of the day that I graduated from law school, my total loans for undergrad were $25,410. Ten months after that letter, the balance was up to $28,825.40 because two of my loans were unsubsidized. This was the total before my law school loans were tacked on to the balance.

Today, the total outstanding balance on my student loans is $152,011. This consists of two loans at 5.875%. One loan is subsidized, with a balance of $64,931. The other is unsubsidized, with a balance of $87,080.

Here’s the vomit-inducing part: the original loan total amount was $93,054.

A Word on Unsubsidized vs. Subsidized Student Loans

An unsubsidized loan is one on which the interest begins to accrue once the loan funds are disbursed. This accrual continues regardless of whether the borrower is still enrolled in school or is in an allowed grace or deferral period. With a subsidized loan, alternatively, the accrued interest is paid by the government or the bank while the student is enrolled on at least a half-time basis in school or are within a grace or deferment period. The fundamental difference between the two types of loans is who is paying the interest once the loan has been given to the student.

Why would anyone ever take out an unsubsidized loan? SallieMae.com provides an enlightening explanation:

Simply put, subsidized loan offers are based solely on need, when you apply for aid through the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) and they are only available to undergraduate students. Generally, you’ll find out how much you’re allowed to borrow on a subsidized loan, for a particular school, via your school’s financial aid offer. Colleges set those amounts individually. If you’re eligible for a subsidized loan, it will be part of your offer. On the “un” side, you do not have to demonstrate need for an unsubsidized loan, so you can borrow more money, and use the funds to pay for a graduate degree, for example.

So What Happened?

When I attended my undergraduate institution, the amount of tuition was approximately $24,000 per year. The law school I attended charged tuition of around $19,000 per year.

I don’t remember the total cost of my education (i.e., tuition, room and board). Through some online research, I was able to find tuition amounts mentioned above, but I do not recall (and haven’t found) information regarding the room and board costs. Based on the numbers that I found, the cost of my undergraduate education tuition totaled $96,000 and my law school tuition totaled $57,000. Again, this doesn’t even address the room and board piece.

I was diligent about getting scholarships for my first year of undergrad. Because my parents were divorced by that time and the FAFSA relied on my mother’s income at the time I applied to college, I was also able to get some financial aid. Some of my financial aid package included work-study.

I was a cheerleader in high school and decided to continue my cheerleading participation during my first semester of undegrad. I learned quickly, however, that I needed to have some money and cheerleading, as an extracurricular activity, didn’t pay. My parents weren’t sending me money in any substantial amount or on a consistent basis, so I set my sights on gainful employment.

To be fair, I may have been too independent for my own good. My father gave me an American Express card while I was in high school to have for emergencies. While in college, I very rarely used it. He didn’t encourage me to use it, but I also didn’t ask. My parents weren’t paying any tuition. In my mind, I was the one who was responsible for my education. Since I could work, I thought I should do my best to be self-sufficient and earn money to buy things like toiletries and to have pocket money. I’ve always been that way. Working for me meant doing a full 40 hours (between my paying job and an internship) per week. My younger brother and sister also received an American Express card to use while in college. From what I hear, my brother was way more diligent in using it. He also received a monthly allowance from my father while there. My sister was, apparently, the queen Amex user of us all.

For an Ivy League undergraduate education that retailed at over $100,000 (if I were to include room and board), coming out with $25,000 in loans wasn’t that bad. My law degree was a different story. Not only was I an out-of-state student, therefore, paying out-of-state tuition, but I also didn’t get any financial aid. So, I attended law school at full retail price, along with an out-of-state premium.

Scholarships are relatively rare in law school. Many professional graduate-level programs do not offer financial assistance – at least, not on the level at which such assistance is usually offered to undergraduates. If one is fortunate enough to get a scholarship, those scholarships generally cover only tuition at the graduate school level, leaving books, room and board, and all other expenses up to the student.

Short-Term Thinking

It is ridiculous that I graduated from school 18 years ago and owe more money on student loans now than I did back then. In fact, I now owe more on my student loans than I do on my home. How does that happen? The simple answer: short-term thinking.

Immediately after I graduated from college, I went to law school. Since I was enrolled full-time in law school over the next three years, repayment of my undergraduate loans was deferred until after I graduated from law school.

And defer was what I did. Since then, and up until recently, I’ve always wanted to pay as little as possible on the loans. That, obviously, has huge long-term consequences. I took advantage of every minute of forbearance that was available to me. Then, when forbearance was no longer an option, I utilized whatever other program would make it possible for me to make a lower payment. There were so many possibilities – the graduated repayment, the extended repayment, the income-sensitive repayment. It was so easy to put the loans in forbearance, or to request some form of hardship deferral that allowed me to pay a reduced or non-existent payment. My lenders made that very easy. With the way that these major student loan lenders operate, you almost have to be egregiously irresponsible to ever land in default. Reducing or not making payments is as easy as making a phone call or filling out a form.

They were also extremely easy to get, unlike other forms of debt. When I was in undergrad, if I was short on money, do you know what I did? I went to the financial aid office and got more. It was as easy as that. All I had to do was sign a piece a paper. Then, suddenly, I had more money on my student card to use for food or other on-campus expenses. I see now that what I must have been doing was, unknowingly, getting a bunch of unsubsidized loans.

I think I always viewed the loans as “not that bad” of a debt because, after all, I got a great education out of them. I have an education of which some people dream. I never felt any shame or stigma attached to having student loans. Whenever I’d mention them, people would usually say something along the lines of, “Tell me about it. I totally understand.” When people learned of the schools that I attended, the student loans seemed justified.

I hadn’t been serious about paying these student loans for any extended period of time. I treated them as an obligation that could continuously be deferred. I don’t think I ever consistently made full, sensible payments (i.e., ones that actually reduced the balance) for more than 5 months or so in a row – in almost 2 decades!
The crazy part is that as I write and think back to what I was doing and thinking over the last 18 years, I’m not quite sure about why I didn’t treat my student loans like a real bill – like other bills that cannot be repeatedly deferred and that have to be paid. Were there times over the years at which I was seriously financially strapped and struggling? Absolutely. But for those bills that I knew I had to pay, I found a way to pay them. I never, ever viewed my student loans as one of those critical bills.

The reason I didn’t treat my student loans like other bills is because . . . I could.
~ Single Girl

The only reason I can think of is . . . because I could.

Where Were My Parents When All This Was Happening?

Where were my parents when I was making thoughtless student loan decisions? I’m not sure. I think that my parents just weren’t paying attention. I spoke with them regularly, but they weren’t intimately involved in the financial affairs related to my schooling. My mom made sure to complete the FAFSA every year, but that was about the extent of my parental involvement. We joke about how they, basically, dropped me off at school and didn’t come back until 4 years later to pick me up at graduation. It’s true. They never visited. (And my parents and I are cool – super cool – and haven’t had relational issues.) I met with my father once for lunch during my first or second year when he had a layover on an international flight. That was it.

They were living their lives, working on building their businesses. My father was fostering a new relationship with my sister’s mom. My mother moved from my home town and was focused on getting acclimated to her new city. She was also concentrating on my little brother, who had significant health challenges to overcome, and also had to adjust to his new environment.

Plus, they were immigrants who didn’t know much about the post-secondary education system in the United States. My mother attended college here, but at the time, her father was still alive and could cash flow the cost of her education. He’d send her tuition funds from overseas and, from what I understand, she didn’t worry much about money while in school. In his formal education, my father only got as far as a couple of community college courses.

The one thing I know is that they never said that the loans were a bad idea or discouraged me from getting them. First of all, you’re going to go to school, kiddo. That’s non-negotiable. Second of all, you don’t not go to a great undergraduate school if you are offered admission. Third, you don’t not go to a top 10 law school if they’ve agreed to let you in. I think we all thought that this was just how it was done. If you don’t have the money to pay for school, you borrow it. Period. How else was this fancy education going to be paid for?

What’s Done Is Done, But It’s Bad

As I sit here now, in the process of cleaning up my mess and facing all of the nasty, nasty facts, I’m pissed with myself for not being more diligent in my handling of these loans. I should never, never, never have treated them like they were some kind of “acceptable” debt. What was once a $93,000 problem has now become a $150,000 problem. That’s ridiculous! And embarrassing. And sad.

Broke? Yes. Poor? Neva.

November 14, 2019 by tanya

Poor is a state of mind; broke is ‘I’m passing through.’
~ Dave Ramsey

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

A couple of nights ago, I hung out with a girlfriend of mine. I hadn’t seen her in awhile but our relationship is such that we always just pick up where we left off, as if no time had passed. She’s like me in that we are both driven to become the best versions of ourselves that we can. We’re readers; we consume information and wisdom from those who live the lives we want to live. We’re fine with doing things that some people find weird or difficult – like believing in the Law of Attraction and betting on ourselves.

Though we are alike in many ways, we’re very different in one surprising way. She takes issue with me referring to myself as “broke.” I, obviously, don’t take such issue. In our conversation, she pushed back twice, stating that she thinks the more appropriate statement is, “It’s not in my budget.” Well, yeah. Yeah. It’s not in my budget because I’m on a broke person budget, negative net worth person budget, no retirement savings-having, not even next year savings-having person budget. It’s not absent from my budget on account of some money magic hocus pocus that – voila! – kept the thing from making it into the budget. There’s a reason for why it’s not in my budget – a fundamental reason. The reason? You guessed it. I’m broke.

By the way, we weren’t even talking about a specific thing. She deemed the “it” to be anything at all. Anything. Her main concern was that I was employing the word “broke.” Her view seemed to be that the words we use are important and that, by using the word “broke,” I’m somehow convincing myself – either consciously or subconsciously, I’m not sure – that I am and will stay in a state of not having money to live the way I’d like to live. It became obvious to me that she and I have different definitions of the word. So maybe I ought to clarify.

As it turns out . . . I am broke. If you’ve spent any time on this blog, you know that I say it pretty frequently. Saying it doesn’t make me think that I’m sabotaging myself because I view my current position as temporary. Actually, I know that this is temporary. I see my current debt, account balances and negative net worth as a factual, current state of being, not as the place in which I’m destined to stay. To me, it’s like saying, “I’m in my 3rd year of undergraduate studies.” It’s not quite where I want to be (a graduate), but I recognize that I won’t be here forever.

After all, I’m not poor; I’m just broke.

Being poor would be a whole other issue. Poor would be a problem. If I was poor, my friend would have good reason for staging an intervention. Poor is not a mere state of being; it is a mindset. As I said in my last post, there’s nothing sexy about being broke. But it’s temporary. Being poor is a way of thinking and consistently doing – not simply a state of being, but a way of being. It’s a tendency. Though the dictionary defines “broke” and “poor” similarly – relating to the lack of money – I do not view them as the same. Despite their synonymous definitions, they have different connotations.

Mindset: (1) an attitude, disposition, or mood; (2) an intention or inclination.
~ Dictionary.com

Think about it. People who are rich believe that if they were to ever lose all of their money, they could get it all back. They know that, though they may be without money during a period of time, they are not without their other tools and resources that would allow them to rebuild.

Kim Kiyosaki illustrates this concept well in her post The Difference Between “Poor” and “Broke”. She says:

“Even when Robert and I were homeless, we did not consider ourselves poor, only broke. Even when we were $400,000 in debt, we did not think of ourselves as poor. We thought of ourselves as rich people who happened to be broke at the time. This attitude – along with hard work, perserverance, and creative thinking – propelled us forward so that instead of becoming stuck in the rat race we progressed from broke to wealthy.”

We’ve all heard the stories of lottery winners going from poor to rich, then back to poor again. The same is true of many athletes and entertainers who have earned millions of dollars, only to find themselves bankrupt. Why? Because it’s a part of who they are. Again, it’s a way of being. A way of thinking. This way of being causes them to do those things that land them back, literally, into the poorhouse.

“If you do rich people habits with money and have rich people mindsets with money, eventually you will be rich people. If you do poor people stuff with money and you’re rich, eventually you will be poor people.”
~ Dave Ramsey

Let’s be clear: I’m not talking about true poverty. There are some people who, because of where they were born or the government to which they are subject, will be relegated to a position of being economically unable to prosper. That’s not what I’m talking about here.

Whenever I use the term “broke,” I’m referring to my temporary state of being financially; unstable, of having no real savings (beyond my $1,000 baby emergency fund), of having a substantially negative net worth, and being concerned that I’m just one bad month from missing a mortgage payment. Am I destitute? No. Is this an acceptable, sensible way to live in this prosperous country of ours? Not at all.

What I’m not talking about is some ingrained belief that, because I don’t have what I want right now, I never will. Or, some self-sabotaging idea that I don’t deserve to be wealthy or live a life of luxury. I believe, wholeheartedly, that my tsunami situation will one day be a less damaging phenomenon. I look forward to the day that I can categorize my circumstances as a Category 2 hurricane or, eventually, just heavy showers. Ultimately, I dream of future days of clear, sunny skies. I’m willing to do what it takes to get there.

Even though I don’t describe myself as “poor,” I know that I need some money mindset help. I recognize that I have to make some shifts in my mentality and work on my identity. How do I know this? I know this because there’s a reason I’m not making more money. There’s a reason I allowed myself to not pay attention to my finances and make detrimental decisions. I realize that there’s something inside of me that has allowed me to be where I am. Though I know I won’t be here forever, I’m aware that there is something within me that got me here in the first place.

Ed Mylett refers to this as an internal thermostat. He says, “If you set your internal thermostat at 75 degrees of success, but then you start achieving 80, 85, 90 degrees of success, because you have exceeded the limitations of your internal thermostat, you will find a way to self-sabotage back down to a more ‘comfortable’ temperature.” As you grow in life, you’ve got to increase your internal thermostat. (See https://www.facebook.com/EdMylettFanPage/posts/2104983102896240).

That goes the other way as well. If my internal thermostat is set at 90 degrees of success, but my external success temperature is 70 degrees, it is inevitable that the external success temperature will have to rise to meet my internal thermostat. In the meantime, like Kim Kiyosaki says, I’ll think of myself as a rich person who just so happens to be broke at the moment.

So Not Sexy Side Hustle

November 13, 2019 by tanya

A few months ago, an older gentleman who is a fellow real estate agent at my broker’s office asked me if he could connect me with his son whom he needed “to get married off.” He asked me for my card. I gave it to him. I thought nothing else of it.

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Later that week, I received a call from “the son.” He asked me if I knew who he was. I didn’t. I just knew him as the son of the real estate agent guy. As it turns out, the son was a man who had tried to get me to go out with him before. Somehow, we were Facebook friends and had communicated via Facebook Messenger periodically over the years. Whenever he asked me out, I was either in a relationship or just wasn’t interested. This time, influenced by my colleague’s relationship to the man, I finally agreed to go out with him.

We had lunch at a hip little Mexican place in a popular development in Midtown. I really pay attention to people and I’m a great listener. By the end of the date, I knew a whole lot more about this guy than he did about me. I let him ramble on and on (he was the most ramblin’ ass dude I’ve been out with in a while), made appropriate comments, and asked sensible questions. He told me about himself, his kids, his job and even about his father (like the fact that his father had murdered someone, served time in prison and was later pardoned).

I’m not suggesting that people be dishonest when first meeting a potential romantic partner; I’m suggesting that folks not lead with their shit.
~ Single Girl

In conversations that we had during the date and afterwards, he mentioned more than once his challenges with not making much money. He’s a professor at a local university and, apparently, it isn’t particularly lucrative. In a post-date conversation – one in which I eventually told him that I didn’t think we were a good fit – he reiterated that he doesn’t make much money. It got to the point where I said to him, “You’ve mentioned a few times that money is a challenge. Are you in the position to be dating right now?” His response was . . . interesting.

“Well, you know,” he said, “I do things on the side . . . I donate plasma ‘n’ stuff.”

[Record scratch.]

Plasma?! I’ve never had someone say out of their mouth to me that plasma donation was their side hustle. On the one hand, I was curious about how much it pays. On the other hand, I used his statement as confirmation of his deficient ass dating skills. He didn’t even realize that he shouldn’t have mentioned the plasma-donating proclivity to a girl he just met.

The reason he shouldn’t have mentioned his proneness to plasma is for the same reason that no one should remark upon their various issues too early on in a dating situation. Of course, we all have issues. Every grown up knows that. It is rarely a good dating approach, however, to put all of one’s issues on the table right away. We should parse out those not so sexy parts of us; there’s no need to overwhelm someone with them prematurely. I’m not suggesting that people be dishonest when first meeting a potential romantic partner; I’m suggesting that folks not lead with their shit.

In our one date and subsequent conversations, this guy had already demonstrated other qualities that I didn’t like. He spoke incessantly (that’s how we left the date with him having learned almost nothing about me and me learning a lot about him) and he asked questions that demonstrated an unusual need for reassurance. He also rudely interrupted (and he admitted that this is a bad habit of his) the relatively few sentences I spoke in conversation with him. So his mention of the plasma donation side hustle just added to the list of reasons that I didn’t think very highly of him. It’s not the fact that he donates plasma. It’s that it’s not a sexy side hustle and he brought it up before I got a chance to learn about the good things about him – the things that I might actually like. When you meet someone and get the chance to experience the qualities that you appreciate, when you later learn things about them that aren’t as attractive, those unattractive qualities can be balanced or tempered against all that you’ve learned to like about the person.

Let’s not act like some side hustles aren’t sexier than others. Here’s some quick comparisons to consider:

“I trade ForEx on the side.” vs. “I deliver for Jersey Mike’s.”

“I prepare tax returns.” vs. “I have a GoFundMe page.”

“I do math tutoring via Zoom.” vs. “I recharge electric scooters.”

“I do personal chef services for busy families in my neighborhood.” vs. “I’m a stripper.’” (It would seem that the stripper one would be sexy but, interestingly, many of us don’t mind watching strippers, but would prefer to not date one.)

“I manage social media for small businesses.” vs. “I donate plasma.”

It seems that it’s usually the side hustles that require skills or have the potential to produce higher-than-average income that have greater appeal. But that’s an aside.

I’m sure there are a bunch of guys around here donating sperm, blood and plasma for money. Women, likewise, are offering their bodily fluids, eggs and whole uteruses for dollars. And let’s not act like people aren’t out here, literally, selling sex. To be clear: I’m not knocking anybody’s hustle. I’m merely suggesting that – for someone who is dating – a little bit of discretion be exercised in communicating about those not so sexy side hustles.

When you’ve gotten to know your significant other, it’s not a big deal if they pass gas or burp in your presence. If they did that on the first or second date, however, you wouldn’t think it was cool. You’d think it was rude and you’d be unimpressed that they didn’t exercise more courtesy with you.

Paying an electric bill for your girlfriend is a non-issue when you’ve developed a relationship with her. Were she to ask you to pay one of her bills on a first, second or third date you’d be thoroughly turned off. (If you’re saying to yourself, “Where they do that at?” let me assure you that I’ve heard several men in this city complain of the forwardness of women with whom they’ve gone on dates. As odd a request that is to me, apparently, it’s not that unusual.)

Having the person you like tell you that they have herpes would likely be more palatable after you’ve had a few dates versus learning about that at the beginning, before you’ve even had the chance to see if you’re into them.

In each scenario, we’re dealing with the same action, just executed at a different time. And timing does matter.

I’m not making a commentary on bodily functions, venereal diseases or bills needed to be paid. I’m strictly talking about what is sexy and what is not. While sexiness is, obviously, is in the eye of the beholder, I think it is fair to say that some shit is universally not sexy.

I don’t care what anyone says; there’s nothing sexy about a man talking about how he’s so broke that he needs to (not used to, but continues to) donate plasma – as a middle aged man. There’s nothing sexy about any one – man or woman – being broke as an adult. Period. But many of us are broke and in debt – including me – and I have enough dating IQ to know not to lead with my six figures of student loan debt and the back taxes that I owe. There’s more to me than my debt. And, this debt is temporary. I have other amazing qualities that I can present first.

Does this mean that I’d hide it or flat out lie if asked directly about it? No, I wouldn’t. I’m just going to first focus on learning about the other person and letting them get to know about me. Do we even like being around each other? Do we have high-quality conversations? Do we appreciate each other’s energy? Do we have any chemistry? If these factors don’t exist, we won’t even need to bother getting to the point of learning about the negative stuff.

The bottom line is that if the hustle is an honest one, there should be no stigma or judgment attached to it. Intellectually, I don’t think there should ever be shame in the making a bona fide living. But, there’s a difference between what should be and what actually is. And the reality is that I have the right to not be turned on by how you make your money and someone could opt to feel the same about me.

Fundamentally, what matters most to me when evaluating a potential mate (from a financial perspective) are his philosophies on money, his work ethic and what his overall vision for his life is. Yet . . . let me be real. . . will I, at this age, seriously date a broke man? It’s unlikely. Broke doesn’t turn me on. Chris Rock said it the best in Kill The Messenger:

. . . When it comes to women and money . . . nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There is something about a woman reaching for her wallet that just dries up the vagina. It’s almost like the wallet is sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy of getting wet for.
~ Chris Rock, Kill the Messenger

Mr. Plasma was both basic and broke. He didn’t have a chance.