Archives for January 2020

The Manscape – January 2020

January 31, 2020 by tanya

This month, one door closed. I expect new ones to open.

No More Mr. Nice For Now

I figured it was coming. I mentioned last month that I’d been thinking a lot about my situation with Mr. Nice For Now and had determined that it no longer worked for me. Though it was fine for the 11 months that we dated, that’s all it was . . . fine. Over that period of time, neither of us ever mentioned advancing the relationship nor did I want to. We enjoyed spending time together, had great dates, laughed and joked and really respected one another. But, there was no fire for me. No real chemistry – physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I could take it or leave it.

I’ve decided that I no longer want to send that message to myself – the it’s okay to tolerate what’s just okay message. I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre. I want to cultivate in my life that which is amazing. In order to start doing that, I am actively making space for I truly want, not just what I can tolerate.

I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre.
~ Single Girl

He returned from his 5-week international trip on New Year’s Eve. He told me that he would be coming back that day, but didn’t provide a specific arrival time. I heard from him on New Year’s Eve night at 9:34 p.m. via text. He asked me if I was planning on going out with friends. I told him I was not.

Him: What are you doing to bring in the New Year?

Me: Some planning for the New Year. If I don’t have a particularly interesting opportunity lol, I’m good with being off the streets on NYE.

Him: Can I be of any interest to you tonight baby?

Me: Sorry, sweetheart. I’m going to be alone tonight. I like having the time to think, prepare and pray the New Year in.

Him: Ok, that sounds productive. Do you have business to attend to tomorrow?

Me: Yes, I’ve got plans for tomorrow. How was your trip back?

My plans for the next day were to continue to do my planning.

Look, I know that exchange sounds some type of way. First of all, I’m weird when it comes to bringing in a New Year. I don’t like to spend that time with someone I know isn’t likely to be in my life that following year. So, for me NYE is either spent alone, with family or with my man – my man – not someone I know who will not be my man. When I mentioned “a particularly interesting opportunity” I was referring to something that’s particularly interesting. To me, that means being on a beach in a foreign country (I once spent NYE in Jamaica on a Ritz Carlton beach and it was amazing!) or being at some awesome 5 DJ, 10-room NYE party. It doesn’t mean having a last minute get together with a guy who didn’t bother to make NYE plans with me before 9:34 on New Year’s Eve! The fuck?

So, it was pretty easy for me to opt to spend the time alone. He told me to let him know when I’d be available to get together. I told him that I would. Though we kept in contact via text, it wasn’t until the 14th of January that I reached out to him to make plans to get together. We were going to go on a date later that week on the 18th. I wanted to tell him in person that our situation wasn’t working for me anymore. After all, that’s the reasonable, grown up thing to do.

In our conversation, it was clear that he expected things to be status quo – exactly as they were prior to his departure. That was a reasonable assumption on his part. It just wasn’t factual. Since I knew that things had changed – because I had changed my position – I called him the next day to deliver the message that I had intended to deliver in person later that week.

I told him that I felt differently about our situation now than I did before he left. “Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “It was cool. It worked. It just doesn’t work anymore.” He said, “Wow! I guess me leaving made a difference.”

Him leaving didn’t make a difference – it just made it easier to leave the situation alone. I told him that it wasn’t about him leaving. It was about me wanting to have a different kind of connection with a person. I told him that this was about it occuring to the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year to say to me, “Babe, you know, I’ll be in Asia kickin’ it for 5 weeks . . . do you want to come out for a week or something?” And, I told him, “It’s about me seeing him sooner than 18 days after he returns from a 5-week trip.”

“I reached out to you the day I got back!” he said.

“I know you did,” I explained. “That was on me. The fact that I was okay with not seeing you for 18 days after you’ve been gone for 5 weeks is what I’m saying. I want a different kind of connection.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” he sighed. “I need a drink.”

Jameson

Jameson is being consistent and is putting on the press. It’s not out of hand or anything; he’s just making it clear that he’d like all of whatever time and attention I’m willing to give to him. He’s said that he’d like to get back together and is, apparently, committed to demonstrating that. Though we have a good time together and have really engaging conversations, getting back together isn’t on my radar at all and I don’t hide the ball about that. He’s aware of this, but insists that he really values our friendship and loves spending time with me.

Earlier this month, he took me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and, afterwards, to see the new Bad Boys movie. The dinner portion was really part of a business transaction. Some time last year, he told me about a business that he wanted to start. Since I encourage people to pursue their ideas and dreams, I suggested that he do something small – like by the domain for it – to move the idea forward. A couple of weeks later, I followed up with him to see if he had made any movement. He had not. Some time a few weeks later, I followed up with him again to see if he had made any progress on his idea. He had not. As is consistent with how he does things sometimes, he had done nothing, so . . . I bought the domain name with the full intention of holding it ransom at a future date. This was all to prove a point to him. Handle your business, dude. Buying a domain name is a super cheap and easy way to start to solidify a project or idea. Eventually, when we spoke again about the idea, I told him that I had bought his domain name and that it would cost him “ a little sumpthin’” to get it back. He recently decided that he was ready to retrieve his domain. I told him that I would take mercy on him and allow the payment to be in the form of a high-end dinner instead of a designer bag or something more costly.

Jameson also came over a couple of times this month bearing gifts. With the first gift, he called and asked me if he could stop by. “For what?” I asked. He said he wanted to bring me something. I had no idea what it was, but he assured me that it would be a short visit.

He showed up with some vegan ice cream that was delicious! But that wasn’t the great part. What he had really come by to do was to show me the video from the helicopter trip he took me on last month. (By the way, I’m soooooo glad we did this prior to the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant. I’m not sure I would have been so comfortable going up in the copter after what tragically happened to them and the others who lost their lives.) What was so sweet was that he had the helicopter company put the video to one of my favorite songs, “Liberian Girl,” by Michael Jackson.

I was in tears as we watched the video together, but didn’t really know why. Was it because the gesture was thoughtful? Was it because “Liberian Girl” tends to make me emotional anyway? Maybe I was emotional because I was on my period. I had no idea. I was just happy. I gave him a strong hug and told him how much I appreciated what he’d done.

Later in the month, he came bearing other gifts. Several months ago, he fixed a couple of things in my house. The projects were handled over a period of days. Since Jameson drinks a lot, he ended up drinking a pretty significant amount of the liquor I had on my bar cart. His consumption was significant enough that he made a point to say that he’d need to replenish it at some point in the future. I didn’t make mention of the alcohol he drank and I certainly didn’t request that he replace any of it. The alcohol was there for guests to consume.

All I knew was that I wasn’t going to replace it. Once the liquor ran out, I would not be buying any more. I didn’t want to put it in the budget. Not having it around would also mean that I’d be less likely to drink it myself.

Fast forward to January – a few months later – Jameson texts me and tells me to choose 4 bottles of liquor. But there was a caveat – only one bottle could be Ciroc.

“Why can only one bottle be Ciroc?” I asked.

“Because you’ll drink Ciroc without me.”

I do a lot of things without you, I thought to myself. He went on to explain that he wanted me to have other liquor options available for when I have guests (again, because I’ll likely drink the Ciroc). The explanation didn’t resonate with me but I was getting 4 bottles of liquor to put on my bar cart. I was willing to comply with the rules.

I chose the following: Ciroc Mango (of course!), Apple Crown, Pinaud de Charentes (a fortified wine made with cognac), and Four Roses Small Batch Whiskey. I like each of the first 3 items. The Four Roses is to have when I have male company (the Apple Crown would work for that, too).

In addition to the 4 bottles I selected, he brought a 5th bottle – a Japanese whiskey. He said it was for whenever he happens to come by.

“So you’re leaving liquor at my house for you?”

“Yes,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. I gave him a look that said, well that’s audacious of you. I think he read the look because he went on to say that he just wants to know for sure that he’ll have something at my place to drink during those times when he comes over. It doesn’t happen regularly, but we do sometimes use his Firestick to binge on some show that I can’t access on mine. Our next binge session is supposed to be Power in a couple of weeks.

A couple of months ago, he asked me if I’d be willing to go on a cruise with him at the beginning of the year.

“It’s possible,” I responded. I don’t spend a lot of time on hypothetical conversations with guys – particularly guys who aren’t my man. So, I didn’t rule out the possibility of going, but also wasn’t going to spend much time talking about it. If it were to become something he was serious about, I’d think about it and consider it more seriously at that time.

Well, here we are at the beginning of the year and he brought it up again. He told me where he’d like to go. I asked him about the kind of experience he wanted to have (so I could see if lined up with the kind of experience I’d likely want to have). I told him that I wanted to have a non-Carnival, non-Royal Caribbean cruise line experience (because I’ve been on both of those) and that I’d heard that Virgin has started an adults only cruise. “Wouldn’t that be dope?” I asked. He agreed.

“I’ll do some research,” he said.

Cigar Bar

I haven’t seen Cigar Bar this month, but we’ve been in contact. We’ve only gone out twice and, despite his nightcap inquiry (most guys would love a nightcap, right?), I like him and want to get to know him better.

He recently moved to my city and, since we’ve met, figuring out where he will live has been a top priority for him. We’ve talked about different parts of the city and he’s kept me updated on different areas he’s considered and places he viewed. When he recently decided to put an offer on a Midtown condo, he shared his excitement with me about that as well.

We were supposed to go on a date last Saturday, but he asked for a raincheck because he was too far behind on his packing. He was moving out of corporate housing and into a hotel, while he waits to close on his new condo.

He said he didn’t want to have “too much to do” the next day and hadn’t gotten enough of the packing done by the time we were nearing our date time. While I totally understand not wanting to have too much to do on a Sunday, the move I would have preferred he had made was to have still gone on our date and just done the packing he needed to do on Sunday. I’m not holding it against him; I’m just taking note that he preferred to have a leisurely Sunday versus hanging out with me on Saturday.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing.
~ Single Girl

Again – I get it. I’m that way, too. There is no one that I’m seeing right now for whom I will totally change my plans or for whom I will have myself jammed up for time. The guy that has me willing to bend over backwards or inconvenience myself significantly is usually the guy who is my boyfriend or is on the track to being that. So, I do understand where Cigar Bar is coming from. But I’m paying attention.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing. The key is seeing things for how they are, not as how we’d like them to be. That’s why I’m not irritated or mad at Cigar Bar for the choice that he made. I am, however, seeing clearly that he chose his packing over following through on our date.

Whole Foods (Formerly Whole Foods Joker)

We went out to lunch once this month. He asked me to go out another time, but I was focused on some work deadlines and, frankly, wasn’t willing to make the time.

After our lunch, I started to side eye him because of some of the things he said (and didn’t say) at our most recent lunch. I may have said this before, but, I’m pretty aware of what people say, how they say it and what they don’t say. A story he told me at lunch didn’t line up with what he told me when he first met me. As his story unfolded, it became clear to me that he engaged in, at least, a semi lie when he first met me in the Whole Foods. It’s not a total lie, but, given the back story that he told me at lunch, he probably shouldn’t have made the statement when we first met.

I’m still working on the facts of the whole shit (because after I pressed a little, he admitted that he wasn’t telling the whole story and wants to get to know me better before he does), but his approach is wack as hell. I told him as much during lunch. I said, “Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.” He said he would prefer to stop talking about it. Listening to him half tell what happened was getting painful and I wanted him to know that his approach wasn’t working favorably.

Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.
~ single girl

The bottom line: I didn’t like that shit. If you have something in your past that you’re not proud of, just be honest about it and be done with it. Or be quiet. Who hasn’t made a bad decision or done something they wouldn’t do again? Either the person you want to date will be okay with it or they won’t. But, what’s worse is you coming across as a liar or a person whose stories have to be dissected for the truth.
Here’s my other issue with Whole Foods: he comes off as old. He’s a handsome guy. He claims he’s only 55, but . . . I’m not totally convinced. He could pass for 60 to me. Granted, it would be a good-looking, well-dressed, nice-smelling 60, but . . . it’s still 60. I’m trying to get past it, but I’m having a hard time.

The Original Whole Foods

The Original Whole Foods is a guy I dated about 10 years ago. I met him when I was out exercising at a nearby park. He was beautiful. He was jogging and . . . it was like he was moving in slow motion, with his bouncing pecs and biceps glistening with sweat. He stopped jogging to talk to me and ask me for my number.

He was interesting, seemed pretty driven, was physically fit, and was a gentleman. In person and on paper he was my kind of guy. We ended up going out several times and would hang out periodically (since we live near one another), but nothing significant ever came of it. The last time I spoke with him was via text in 2018.

Then, out of the blue, I get a text from him a couple of weeks ago asking if I’d be interested in catching up. I was reluctant at first. What’s his angle? This’ll be a waste of time. Then I remembered, it’s just dinner. Plus, I’ve always enjoyed spending time with him, so . . . it’s whatever.

I told him that I’d be fine with catching up. He said that he’ll be traveling until early February, but that he’d reach back out to set something up. We’ll see.

The reason he’s called the Original Whole Foods is because, after we stopped dating, every time I’d run into him it would be at Whole Foods! One time I was in the bookstore next door to the Whole Foods (this was when bookstores were still a thing) with my boyfriend and he walked up on us and, basically, acted like my boyfriend wasn’t even there. My boyfriend didn’t make a scene, but, afterwards he said, “What the fuck? Does my forehead say ‘I’m a bitch ass dude’?!”

Anyway, ladies, what’s the takeaway here? You can meet single men at the Whole Foods.

Mr. All Black

After meeting at the grocery store (not a Whole Foods), I received a follow up text. Then I didn’t hear from him after that . . . until earlier this week. He apologized for not being in contact and explained that he was grieving the death of his best friend who passed away just after he and I met. Of course, I’m sorry for his loss.

Our communications have been interesting. I say “interesting” in a good way, not in the “hmmm this looks like it could be some garbage, but we’ll see” kind of way. I love how insightfully he communicates and what he’s shared about himself so far. He’s mentioned that he’s abstinent. I think that’s dope. We’ve agreed to talk about it more when we see each other.

Since he’s going to Miami this weekend for the Superbowl festivities, we have a date scheduled for next week, after he returns. I’m looking forward to it.

Whatchu got goin’ on? Any fun dates this month?

Binge Gone Crazy

January 28, 2020 by tanya

Things Were Going Well . . . Until They Weren’t

I was on that restrictive diet – a gluten-free, dairy-free pescatarian diet. With it, I was usually able to keep my weight where I wanted it to be – in the 120s (pounds) range. If I got out of hand with alcohol or sweets, I would see a slight uptick in my weight that might put me into the 130s. Upon seeing that I was getting unruly, I’d commit to cutting back to shed the pounds and get back to a weight in the 120s.

I used to be able to shed the weight fairly easily, once I’d committed to pulling things back together. In the later part of last year, I realized that I’ve come to a point in my life (perhaps age, hormones, not exercising as hard), where it’s just not as easy as it once was.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve got to take a different approach now. The old system no longer works with my current body. It now takes longer to get the same results.

I also don’t have the same willingness or desire to subscribe to a highly restricted diet in which I’m rejecting entire food groups indefinitely. That doesn’t work for me anymore. I want to come up with a system that aligns with the way my body works and that will help me produce the sustainable results that I’d like.

I mentioned several months ago that I was trying the program outlined in the book The Plan. I started the Plan and began to see some results in terms of weight loss. The Plan is basically a guided elimination diet program that aims to help you find those foods that work well with your body and those that do not. The idea is to develop your diet around knowledge about how your body functions and focus on that instead of on calories.

What delighted me about my experience with The Plan is that I was able to test (and pass the test for) 3 of the things I hadn’t eaten in over 3 years, but absolutely LOVE – bread, chicken and cheese. This had me so excited!

A couple of weeks after I started The Plan, my birthday came and I went HAM. HAM! Having recently passed that part of the Plan that tested bread, chicken and cheese, I first started by having some of those foods while out. Oh how elated I was to be able to have the pre-meal bread and to not have to hold the cheese on a salad.

The HAMation that began on my birthday quickly turned into a full on spiral. I swear, I had a 3-week binge. Even though I had only passed the 3 tests (and hadn’t tested anything else yet), I decided to eat AAALLLLLLLL of the stuff that I had missed over the previous 3 years! All of it!

Chicken? Yup. Beef? Yup. Queso dip with beef? Yup. Cheeseburgers? Yup. Dessert (that wasn’t sorbet)? Pancakes? Yup. Pizza?! Yup, yup, yup! I went bananas!

Because it was my birthday, the holidays (remember, I also went to Las Vegas to hang out with The Bulldozer), and I had a strong dating month in December, I was getting treated to a number of restaurant outings. So I had several opportunities to indulge. I went from one end of the diet spectrum all the way to the other.

Getting Back On Track

By the time I started to gain some semblance of sensibility, I had become quite the thickums. As a woman who is only 5 feet tall (and is used to being in the 120s), the addition of weight can feel and look significant pretty quickly. I like being smaller. I like my clothing to fit (much of which aren’t fitting right now). Though I was having a great time eating all of the stuff I wanted to eat, I knew it was not sustainable. I had to reel it in. I just didn’t want to go back to the diet I had been on for the previous 3 years.

Like I said before, I don’t want to struggle with both debt and weight. As I work my way through this debt situation, I can’t, simultaneously, stumble into a weight problem. That’s the reason I included weight loss and maintenance as one of my goals for 2020. Finding a new system – a controlled, but not highly restrictive system – is critical. What was working for me before no longer works. So it’s time to identify a new solution.

For now, I’m going old school. I shook the dust off of the MyFitnessPal app on my phone and have started tracking everything I eat and drink. I’m operating on a 1,200 calorie per day allotment. So far, the calorie counting has been working. When I keep my consumption under 1,200 calories per day, I lose weight. I have been able to enjoy certain foods, while still reducing the pounds.

Additionally, I’m paying attention to not just to my caloric intake, but also how my body is responding to different foods. I think that the premise of The Plan is great; I just don’t think that eating the way that is outlined in the book is sustainable for me. Many of the recipes just don’t resonate with me. I’m looking for sustainability – something that I can subscribe and commit to as a lifestyle.

I’ve also started exercising consistently again. Though I play tennis, I don’t typically play during winter season and my next season won’t be starting up for another month or so. Nonetheless, even when playing tennis, I still need to have a consistent workout habit. I let that fall to the wayside last year, but have now picked it back up.

Was weight loss and/or fitness on your list of goals for 2020? We’re almost a full month into the new year, so how has it gone so far? Which program or approach are you using and how do you like it?

Why You Should Give Men Compliments

January 24, 2020 by tanya

Did you know that today is National Compliment Day? I didn’t. But I like it.

Giving a genuine, well-meaning compliment is such a simple, but powerful, way to not only uplift the spirit of another, but to raise your own vibration level as well. Since today is a day that is specifically designated for this kind-hearted gesture, I thought I ought to delve into the subject a bit . . . from a single girl perspective.

I think we can agree that women are more accustomed to receiving verbal praise than men. The more attractive a woman is deemed to be, the more she is likely to receive flattering comments on a regular basis. If she’s in a city or country in which men generally feel very comfortable expressing themselves to women, she’s even more likely to be a regular recipient of words of admiration.

Women, who tend (I’m not saying we’re all like this) to be less forward with men they know, don’t seem to give nearly as much praise to men and they, themselves, receive. I know I don’t. I’m gracious in receiving them, but I don’t always return each one with another.

Men Don’t Receive Enough Compliments

I don’t have any scientific evidence of this, but I’ve lived long enough to know that men don’t receive enough positive communication from women. In an article from Melmagazine.com, a man is quoted as saying, “Back in December a girl told me she really liked my shoes . . . I’m still riding the high on that compliment.” I’m not an advocate for pandering to anyone – man or woman – but I do believe that honest, kind words go a long way. And I’m happy to dish them out. I can’t recall a time at which I’ve given a man a compliment and it wasn’t met with either pleasant surprise, a very warm smile, enthusiastic appreciation or a return sweet comment.

It’s Good For You

Women can benefit from giving expressing admiration to men. Genuinely saying something nice to someone makes you feel good. When you give a man a compliment – remember, they don’t get them nearly as often as we do – you’ll see the expression of gratitude on his face. You can’t help but feel good about that.

It’s a Great Way To Flirt

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you. He may have wanted to talk to you, but just didn’t bring himself to do it. By you saying something to him – something as benign as, “What a beautiful tie you’re wearing,” he feels that he can now have a conversation with you. In fact, it would be rude of him to not say something to you. At the very least, he should reply with a “thank you” or a “‘’preciate that.” If he has an interest in knowing you more, this is his opportunity to give you a compliment, ask you your name, or begin any other conversation.

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you.”
~ Single Girl

Last week, I was in the grocery store and passed a good-looking guy as I walked down the tea aisle. I was in a rush and I was there to pick up only 2 things and get out. He seemed to be in a rush, too. However . . . I saw out of my peripheral vision that he did the look back (you know what I’m talking about) after he passed me. I thought to myself, “Hmmmm . . . he’s cute . . . rockin’ his black sweater, black jeans and black Chucks.” I continued to the check-out line.

As I would do in any situation, I turned around to look at the person who stepped into the line behind me in the check out. Guess who it was? Yes, Mr. All Black Everything. When I turned around, I said to him, “I really like your look.” This was true. Remember, I had already been thinking that his all black look was dope. I just hadn’t said anything as I rushed passed him toward the checkout.

His response: I like yours, too.

“NEXT!,” the cashier called out, breaking up our little in-line conversation. I stepped up to check out. He went to the next available cashier. He walked out of the store before I did. When I made it out of the store, Mr. All Black Everything was standing on the sidewalk. Hmmm . . .maybe he’s waiting for an Uber. Nope. He was waiting for me. Long story short: he picked up the conversation and made sure to get my number before we each got into our cars.

I can’t say I was really intending to flirt with Mr. All Black Everything. I just thought he was cute and liked the look he put together for himself. Genuinely. When I had an easy opportunity to tell him so, I did, and it led to a further conversation.

The Kind of Compliments I Give Men I Don’t Know

I’ll compliment men on any number of things. My only rule for my compliment-giving is that it be genuine – that I’m not just saying it to say it. Below are some of my go-to phrases.

“Beautiful shoes.”
“Well, don’t you look dapper.” (Usually if he’s got on a suit or tux or looks like he’s going to a special event.)
“Look at those waves!” (For guys who have low fade haircuts and put effort into having wavy hair. It really matters to them.)
“Beautiful teeth.”
“You smell nice.”

You’ll note that these are acknowledgements of a particular attribute, article of clothing or accessory they’re wearing. None of these statements are bombastic. Grand statements, like “Ooooo, you’re so fine,” or something like that are comments I’m not likely to make without first receiving that kind of comment from him. Though men appreciate being told nice things, those big statements can make them uncomfortable – so uncomfortable that they just don’t know what to say or do. If, for example, you tell a man that he’s “gorgeous” or “stunning,” and he doesn’t find you to be equally as beautiful, he’s not going to know what to say in response. No decent man wants to hurt a woman’s feelings (that’s why some of them just lie and ghost women), so he might feel uneasy in the face of such a lofty statement from a woman.

I’m also cognizant of staying away from behavior that can be classified as “thirsty.” I’m happy to return a grand compliment like that (if I find him to be attractive), but I’m more likely to say something about his outfit or his smile before I’m going to give him an overall “you’re super amazing-looking” kind of affirmation.

However you choose to go about doing it, ladies, be sure to say something nice to someone on this here National Compliment Day. . . and on future days as well. Specifically, consider complimenting a man. They just don’t get lauded enough and it doesn’t cost you anything to share a kind word. If you’re not used to giving compliments to men you don’t know, I encourage you to try it. You’ll feel great and it’ll TOTALLY brighten his day. You might even end up sparking a conversation. You never know where that could lead. 😉

Money Move – A Balance Transfer

January 21, 2020 by tanya

In addition to all of the personal debt I have, my business has a credit card as well. I finally stopped using it when I came to terms with the fact that I was treating it as a crutch. I had ceased my use of personal credit cards, but continued to use the business card. You can find more background on this here, and below you’ll find a small excerpt from what I initially wrote about the card.

 So, the problem here is obvious, right? Though I almost eliminated my use of credit cards on the personal side, I continued to maintain my same old bad habits. I simply narrowed the playing field of stupidity. Instead of being stupid with the credit cards in both my personal and business lives, I just limited the credit card use to the business side.  

 Ah . . . but when you work for yourself and you are the key producer in the business, the business is integrally linked to the person. I make all of the decisions about what money will be spent, when and on what things. I control the credit card.  Though I knew I couldn’t use a personal credit card to get certain things, I could find a way to make it a business expense. I could justify going to Capital Grill for a meeting on the business side. I could justify traveling to another state, staying in a nice hotel, and eating fine food for a business conference. Could the business afford it? No! Could the business pay for it? Absolutely. I had the business credit card.

Though I stopped using the card 5 months ago, and have made over $5,500 in payments since then, the balance is still about $22,000, which means it has only gone down by about $3,000. When I started this journey, the balance was a few hundred dollars short of the $25,000 credit limit. Each month, the minimum payment required is $635. I’ve been paying at least $1,000.

I’ll be able to pay off the high interest balance card and not pay any interest for 12 months.
~ Single Girl

I’m tired of not seeing the balance go down more. This week I applied for a couple of 0% business credit cards for the business so that the $1,000 per month payment can go farther. I ended up getting two cards – 1 from Capital One and another from American Express. I needed to get 2 cards because neither company would give me the full $22,000 that I needed to cover the full balance. Between the two of them, I’ll be able to pay off the high interest balance card and not pay any interest for 12 months.

The American Express card has a balance transfer fee of $300. The Capital One card has no fee. The $300 transfer fee makes great money sense to me because my finance fee for just 1 month with the current card is $493. Over the next 12 months, I should save several thousands of dollars in finance fees.

I’d love to be able to pay off the entire balance within the next 12 months. With my 2020 goal of increasing annual gross revenues in the business by over double, I believe it to be doable. I’m excited about getting this done so I can make more traction in getting that credit card paid off.

Planner for 2020 – Goodbye Full Focus Planner, Hello . . .

January 17, 2020 by tanya

In November of 2019, I started researching paper planner books. I still use a physical planner because I find value in writing things on paper. I like being able to cross things off of a list. I like being able to turn pages. I also like having both goals, tasks, and schedules all in one place – even if I have those things captured somewhere else digitally as well. There’s something about physically writing something down that feels effective to me.

I’m still streamlining my organizational system, but my system is currently (and probably will remain) a dual platform system that consists of both digital and paper tools. For example, I use my Google calendar religiously. What appears in my Google calendar also appears in my physical calendar.

For the 2019 year, I used the Michael Hyatt’s Full Focus Planner. I committed to using it for a full year and signed up for the annual subscription. With the subscription, I received a new planner every 3 months – one for each quarter of the year.

I like the idea of planning and executing in 3-month timeframes. I think it is a way to add a bit of urgency that may not exist when one is focused only on annual goals. I began to subscribe to this idea when I read the book The 12 Week Year by Brian Moran and Michael Lennington.

Though I like Michael Hyatt’s teaching and his approach to business growth and organization, the Full Focus Planner wasn’t a great fit for me.

Four Books Is Too Much – Having 4 separate books proved to be more burdensome than beneficial. When I wanted to refer back to something that happened in the prior quarter, I had to go back to that book to locate the note or information. Additionally, with each book, you find yourself filling out all of the annual goal information in order to capture it in each of the different books.

I Wasn’t Utilizing Many of the Pages – I found that there were a significant number of pages that I just didn’t use. For example, I didn’t need the weekend pages to be as robust as the weekday pages, so I ended up with a lot of blank space on those pages. When you aggregate all of those pages, what’s left is a book that has too much unutilized or underutilized space.

Setting it Up Each Quarter was Time-Consuming – Each book is a standalone book for the planning and organizing of that quarter. However, each quarter’s activities are based on the annual goals for that year. So, each book has an Annual Goals page at the start of it. And, if you want your planner to be comprehensive, you find yourself re-writing the goals in each of the quarterly planners. If you want to be really comprehensive, you find yourself writing the details of the goal again as well on the Goal Details pages. While I recognize that every paper planner takes some time to organize, set up, and fill in (e.g., dates, days, goals, etc.), doing this repeatedly became more than I was interested in doing.

Looking for a planner for 2020 was a process that I enjoyed. I spent significant time looking at the various planner types, including written reviews and videos. I considered planners designed for productivity, for women, for entrepreneurs, for big picture goals for how I want to feel, for . . . all kinds of different people and aims. I did a deep dive into the following:

At the end of my search, I was deciding between the Erin Condren Life Planner and the Ruth Soukup Living Well Spending Less Planner. I spent significant time thinking through what didn’t work for me with the Full Focus Planner and why and what I might need to have my planner be more effective and functional for my needs.

Ultimately, the design of the Living Well Planner offered both a look and functionality that I thought would be great for me.

First, I love the beginning section of it that has you distill your goals down to 3 – just 3 – annual goals. I also appreciate that it has you capture a “Motto Statement” and a “Word of the Year” (remember, mine is “focus”).

Second, I like that that entire year is contained in the 1 planner. That means that this 1 book can be used as my personal bible for the year.

What I also like is that the whole week and all appointments, meal planning ideas and top 3 “must do” items can be seen all in a glance.

There are also some other cool pages, like the Goal Crushing Pages that have you break down a monthly big goal into smaller, manageable steps and the Project Planning pages which . . . help you plan out projects.

Lastly, having tabbed months and sticker sheets make me happy as well.

The planner also comes with Ruth’s Crushing It Central course which walks you through the process of getting the planner set up and becoming familiar with it. I went through the course and found it to be helpful and thoughtful.

Though I’ve been using the planner and really like it so far, I haven’t utilized all of the page types available. For example, I haven’t used a Goal Crushing or Project Planning page yet (I’m not sure why – I just haven’t.)

I’ve included a gallery of images from the planner in this post.

What are you using for your planning for this year? How do you like it so far?

Net Worth Statement – Q1 2020

January 14, 2020 by tanya

At the beginning of each quarter throughout this journey, I share my personal financial statement. It displays my net worth.

As I mentioned in my first Net Worth Statement, I have just begun tracking my net worth through this journey.

I’m sooooooooo looking forward to the day that I have a zero net worth!

Some notes: The checking accounts amount includes some funds I’ve reserved for sinking funds. A significant portion of it is reserved for the HOA special assessment I have coming my way.

Some notes:

The checking accounts amount includes some funds I’ve reserved for sinking funds. A significant portion of it is reserved for the HOA special assessment I have coming my way.
The savings accounts amount is, basically, my “baby emergency fund” (a la Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover), which is accruing interest.
The real estate market value figure reflects the value of my property, according to Zillow.
I do have life insurance (even though I’m single and do not have children), but it is a term policy, not one with any cash value.

Though my net worth is negative and will likely be so in the near future, I’m going through this exercise for the practice – to develop the habit of consistently being on top of my full financial situation.

Here are some significant differences between my net worth for Q4 2019 and my net worth for this quarter.

My net worth decreased from -$58,360 to -$63,366.
My total liabilities decreased by $14,682.
My checking account balance went up by $3,951.
According to Zillow, the value of my condo decreased by $23,647.
Even though my total liabilities went down significantly, the substantial decrease in the value of my condo negated all of the gains I made in my debt paydown.

The median net worth for my age (43) is $59,800. Obviously, I’m far below where I should be. But, that’s the point of this blog, right? I’m in a terrible financial space, totally not where I want to be, but now doing what I need to do to fix it. I’ve committed to being on this journey and, as Jim Rohn says, I’m going to continue to try . . . until.

If you’re interested in the median for you age range, see below.

Age 35 or younger: $11,100
Age 35-44: $59,800
Age 45-54: $124,200
Age 55-64: $187,300
Age 65-74: $224,100
Age 75 or older: $264,800

I’m showing the median net worth because the mean net worth figures are much higher, since they are skewed by the net worth amounts of the uber wealthy (i.e., the billionaires). We know I’ve got some catching up to do.

Where do you find yourself, considering the median figures above? How far ahead or behind are you?

January 2020 Budget Breakdown

January 10, 2020 by tanya

I’m heading to Chicago this month.
Photo by Alex Livingston on Unsplash

I feel pretty good about the first budget of 2020. I’ve been preparing a monthly budget consistently for several months now. It is such a valuable exercise. It forces me to be intentional about my decisions and has made me feel much more in control of my money.

I’ve based the January budget on income of $8,000 this month.

I use Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar software to do my monthly budgeting. Instead of using the premium version (EveryDollar Plus), I use the free version. The free version doesn’t connect with your bank and credit accounts, so I am intentionally forcing myself to really connect with my numbers, instead of being able to simply drag and drop imported expenditures. This forces me to manually capture every single amount spent each month.

According to the summary of spending that appears in EveryDollar, here’s how the percentages of planned spending breaks down for the month:

You’ll see that giving (tithe), savings, housing, transportation, insurance, and debt comprise a total of $6,482.02 – 81% of the budget. A significant chunk of that is going to savings for that beast of an HOA special assessment I have coming due in February (½ of $8,200) and early March (½ of $8,200).

What I pay myself consists of both payroll and shareholder distributions. In determining what I’ll pay myself, I balance the two. (See The Tsunami Situation – Tax Edition, which explains why business owners often split their income between W-2 employee income payroll and distributions as an owner).

Lifestyle – My Lifestyle category allocation this month is a bit higher than usual. I’ve allocated $450 for a trip that I’m taking to Chicago this month to support a friend who is graduating from a professional program. When she invited me to come, she told me that she would pay for my airline ticket and hotel (because she knows that I’m on my debt-free journey). The $450 I’ve allocated doesn’t include the flight or any hotel expenses. It includes funds for food when I travel as well as a gift (like flowers, dinner or something) for my friend.

Food – This is also higher than normal (for a few months in the later part of the year, my grocery budget was $100 for the month). I’ve been changing my diet and trying to figure out a sustainable eating plan that will allow me to be at my desired weight without having a bunch of irritation and tension around food choices. I’m eating things I haven’t eaten in years. My aim is to figure out what works well for both my body and my budget. So, some experimentation is required. I’ll share more about this in a later post.

Sinking Funds – This month I resumed the funding of my sinking funds. Since I had some funds in the accounts, I stopped funding them in the later part of last year. With this being a new year, however, I want to make sure that I have the money I need for what might arise this year. My sinking funds are for the following needs:

Home Repairs and Maintenance
Car Replacement/Repairs
Gifts
Clothing (this is included in the “Lifestyle” category)

I plan to have a great start to the new year!

The Tsunami Situation – December 2019 Debt Report

January 7, 2020 by tanya

Each month, I record the balances on my debt obligations. The amounts shown in my debt report reflect balances as of the end of the previous month. First you’ll see the Table of Debt Slayed. Further below you’ll see my active debts in the Debt Report Table.

“How long should you try? Until.”
~ Jim Rohn

A few notes on the Table of Debts Slayed:

(1) The Debt Journey Balance column reflects the balance on the debt as of the date that I started to get serious about my debt-free journey – July, 2019.

(2) I’ve included in the Table of Debts Slayed, the balances I paid off for my 2018 Federal ($3,238) and State ($2,819) taxes, even though I paid them off the month after I learned about the obligation and the debts became due. I’m including them the list because they were significant amounts and were, technically, debts; I just paid them off quickly. I previously had not listed them in my but am do so now.

(3) In November, I applied for and obtained a debt consolidation loan, which allowed for the payoff of all of my credit card debt. The credit cards listed, except for the Chase card, were paid off through the debt consolidation. Effectively, the debt was re-classified (which you’ll see in the table below) and not actually paid off.

See the Debt Report Table below for the figures as of the end of December, 2019. It shows the updated order of debts to be repaid.

The difference between my November and December personal debt balance is $1,620.

The difference between my November and December business credit card debt balance is $390.

A few notes about the Debt Report Table:

The Debt Being Attacked

The debt that is highlighted in green is the debt that I’m currently attacking. All additional funds I have available for debt repayment go toward extra payments on this highlighted debt.

Estimates

Any amount that ends in a “0” or “50” is an estimate. Often times, the IRS website does not show updated figures. It will say that “information is not available,” so I make a guess, based on the typical monthly reduction amount.

Two Payments That (Unfortunately) Go Up Every Month

(1) Internal Revenue Service (2017)

This payment goes up every month because the IRS system will not allow to make payments on both the 2016 balance and the 2017 balance at the same time. It requires that all payments be applied to the oldest balance due. I wanted to make small payments on the 2017 balance so that it wouldn’t go up every month. When I spoke with the IRS, they explained that they don’t allow for that. That is why the 2016 balance goes down, while the 2017 balance goes up by about $64 per month.

(2) Navient Student Loans (Yes, Both!)

The Navient payments for both the Debt Journey Balance and the November balance go up every month because I’m on an income-based repayment plan. The minimum payments under the program aren’t enough to reduce the monthly balance. Once I take down the two IRS debts, I’ll start making payments on the student loan big enough to, at least, cover the interest.

Business Credit Card

I’ve included the business credit card balance, even though I don’t pay that bill out of my personal income. Though the money that pays it comes from the business, I am the personal guarantor of it. So, technically, it’s my debt. Despite the fact that I make a $1,000 payment on it every month, you see that the balance only goes down by just under $400. The APR on it is 22.74%. This month, I plan to do with it what I did with my credit cards and find a low interest business loan or credit card so that I can transfer the balance. I’d like my $1,000 payments to go much further than they are.

In December, the first payment on the Lending Club loan was due. I made additional payments on the loan in November, before the initial payment was due, to honor debt snowball amounts that were allocated for credit card payments for November. In other words, I had additional funds that were supposed to be paid on my debt snowball toward credit cards (because a credit card was the lowest balance and, therefore, was the debt that was supposed to receive the debt snowball extra payment). I didn’t want those funds to get lost in the transition to the consolidated loan. I also made sure to make a payment sufficient to cover the origination fee (the fee was $260).