tanya

I recently learned about the Japanese concept of Ikigai. It means “a reason for being.” 

I learned about this from a very accomplished woman who was doing an interview-style talk with a long-time friend of hers, another very consummate woman. 

The focus of their discussion revolved around what women need to do to not just be invited “to the table,” but to actually set the table – that table being the platform of conversation and subsequent action that addresses issues pertinent to the inclusion and advancement of women. 

A key takeaway from the conversation was that there are, of course, a number of “tables.” At each should sit those who are relevant and who can be helpful in effecting change – change in relation to that particular table. In order to properly set such a table, one would need to be connected to their Ikigai. 

Ikigai: the source of value in one’s life or the things that make one’s life worthwhile.

~ Noriyuki Nakanishi, ‘Ikigai’ in older Japanese people, Osaka University Medical School

I used to get irritated with myself because I didn’t feel particularly committed to any table. What kind of terrible person am I?, I’d think to myself.  What is my “thing”? I don’t have a thing. Other people say that they “live for” X or that something like music, for example, is their heart and soul. What’s mine? What’s my heart and soul? What’s my cause? 

There were causes that I found to be good, well-intended, or somewhat interesting. But I didn’t feel ikigai-style connected to anything. 

Frankly, I don’t care about every cause. Certain things just don’t pull at my heartstrings and I’m not going to pretend that they do because it looks or sounds good. I can acknowledge the value of a range of causes, but I can’t say that I find them all to be productive enough for me to want to allocate any of my time or talents in pursuing them. There are all kinds of people in the world and if we all cared about the same things, there’s a lot that wouldn’t get done – a lot of groups that wouldn’t get attention and a lot of actions (whether small or large) that would go untaken. 

I realize that it’s not that I don’t have a cause or don’t care about other people.  I do have a couple of Ikigai causes that matter to me. I do care about certain things. I care about people realizing their dreams and helping them do that. The demonstration of excellence and seeing someone manifest the fruits of their sacrifice are things that make me cry – literally. Hearing the story of someone who worked . . . and worked . . . and worked in order to see their desired result is something that I truly admire and will gladly support. 

I once heard Oprah say that she likes helping people “who want it.” She doesn’t spend time trying to get people to have a dream or a desire. For those who already have a dream or desire, she likes to help them bring it to fruition. I’m the same way (at my very non-Oprah level). I can’t want it more than you do. But, if you do want it, and I am able to help or inspire you in getting it, then that’s what I’m happy to do. 

My desire is to one day be able to educate and empower people in ways that truly alter their lives. That’s why I am such an advocate for entrepreneurship. I’ve seen how entrepreneurship can help to level a playing field. I come from an immigrant family and business ownership has been very empowering for not just my parents, but many other members of my family and for friends of the family. 

I care about women’s reproductive health, too, because I’ve struggled for years with demon fibroids that have attacked my uterus. I’m always happy to share with others the decisions I’ve made around the treatment of these alien tumors – the money I’ve spent, the procedures I’ve had, and my thoughts around what I would do differently. If I had more time, I’d create a blog, book, series of videos or something just sharing with other women my experience and the knowledge that I’ve gained. 

I also have a heart for felons, though I’m not a felon, nor is anyone who is close to me. I feel for felons (of course, not all, but some) because one decision, or a series of decisions, has paralyzed them for the rest of their lives. It seems that many of them, once out of prison, are struggling to provide for themselves and their families. A felon is disqualified from obtaining certain kinds of professional licenses. Many companies don’t want to hire them, either. They apply for job after job, only to find that their one decision (perhaps the sale of just a little too much weed years ago) cripples their ability to provide. That failure to adequately provide for themselves and their families often leads to decreased self-esteem and the poor decisions that can be attached to that state of being. 

I believe that many, if not most, societal issues are fundamentally linked to a lack of economic wherewithal. Again, entrepreneurship is a way to level the playing field where many people can’t even get into the game. Fighting for low-wage jobs (the kind of jobs that are available to felons) isn’t a good long-term strategy, in my opinion. I’d love to be able to help felons become self-employed and/or own actual business enterprises. I’d do this by assisting them in getting into skilled tradespersons programs and in forming and developing businesses of their own. My legal, business and real estate background would be a valuable resource in that regard. 

Alas, there are only so many hours in a day. 

This debt shit has pervasive consequences.

~ Single Girl

This debt shit has pervasive consequences. It affects a range of life decisions – particularly how one spends their time and money. When your time is limited, there’s only so much of it that can be given away. The same is true when it comes to disposable income. 

Contrary to what I used to say to myself, it’s not that I’m some careless person who has no real fire or interest in anything or anyone. I’m just so consumed by the hole I’m in that I’m not being as generous a person as I’d truly like to be. I can’t work my butt off, take care of myself physically and mentally, maintain relationships, delve deeply into a cause and, somehow, not have some kind of nervous breakdown. I don’t really see how that would work. So some things just won’t get much attention for a while.  I need to get out of this debt so that I can get more into my Ikigai. 

What is your ikigai? What keeps you from pursuing it . . . or pursuing it more? Is it extreme debt? A romantic relationship that is sucking the life out of you? A job that takes up all of your time, but doesn’t align at all with what you want to do with your life? Do you keep saying “yes” to things that aren’t that important to you, while rejecting the things that truly matter?

I’ve listened to The Dave Ramsey Show for many years. Though, I didn’t do what he teaches back then, I still liked hearing the financial stories and circumstances of others. I struggled with how to reconcile Dave’s “you can have no lifestyle until you get out of debt” position with the fact that I was neither married nor cohabitating with someone else. 

---

---

Dave Ramsey just doesn’t understand. For single people, it’s just different.

~ Single Girl

“Cut your lifestyle to ZERO,” Dave says, “All you’ll do is work. You can’t do nuthin’! You won’t even see the inside of a restaurant unless you’re working there.” I didn’t think that I could do nothing and go nowhere without ending up single for the fiftyleven years it would take for me to get out of debt. Of course, I was aware that I was in debt and that not being in debt would be ideal, but if I did nothing but work and stay in my condo, what would my life look like at the end of the journey? Dave had Sharon during his climb out of financial purgatory and many of the people on his show also have in-house companions. I don’t. 

(By the way, until I’m married, I’m still single. Even when I’m in an amazing relationship, until rings are on fingers and vows are exchanged, I . . . am . . .  single.) 

This mindset kept me from believing that I could ever fully commit to a hard-core debt elimination strategy unless I was willing to be a complete recluse. Dave just doesn’t understand, I reasoned. For single people, it’s just different. 

When the need for something becomes imperative, you are forced to find ways of getting or achieving it.

~ Oxford Dictionary, defining the proverb “necessity is the mother of invention.”

Since I am now deeper in debt that I have ever been before, I’m faced with the necessity to figure out how to reconcile the demands of single dating life with my goal of getting out of extreme debt. Being a single debt slayer, I (1) don’t have a ready-made companion and (2)  need a social life that is very low-cost. I have no choice but to figure out how to do this. I realize that, in thinking that I either needed to continue as I was or spend all of my time working and at home, I was being too closed-minded and not creative enough. Those days are over. Now I think more strategically about this. I’m committed to having some semblance of a social life while getting out of my tsunami situation. Below are the ideas I’ve been exploring and some suggestions I’d like to share.

(1) Volunteer

We debt slayers are getting our hustle on, so we work. We work a lot. That doesn’t mean that we can’t designate some time to give of our talents for the greater good. If there is a group of people that you’d like to be around, consider volunteering to work for their organization. 

If you like theater, for example, there are theaters that allow people to volunteer as ushers. There are foundations, companies, civic and professional organizations that hold events in your city. Their large-scale events, in particular, require a huge number of staff and volunteer support. If you’d like to attend the event and be around those who are there, consider donating some of your time.  Yes, you’ll, technically, be “working” but you’ll also meet a bunch of people and you’ll get the chance to see the show you want to see. 

Ladies, male-oriented organizations have events (e.g., golf tournaments, fundraisers, scholarship programs). If you have a desire to be around well-heeled men who care about their community, but you don’t want to pay the cost of their high-priced event tickets, volunteer to work at an event. 

When I was in college, I heard Sister Souljah on the radio saying that she had been tasked by P. Diddy (known as Puff Daddy at the time) to run his non-profit organization, Daddy’s House Social Programs. After hearing the interview, I reached out and asked if she needed any help. I soon became a volunteer for Diddy’s non-profit. Later, because Sister Souljah also ran a summer camp for kids sponsored by Lauryn Hill of the Fugees, I became a camp counselor for that. And that was a very well-paying gig! Here, my volunteer effort turned into cash.  

SIDE NOTE: If you’re wondering, yes, I did see Diddy. I didn’t formally meet him, but he came into the kitchen at one of the holiday functions – a Thanksgiving event to feed the homeless and hungry. He paraded through the very hot kitchen with a whole, entire, complete, comprehensive full-length fur coat ensemble – coat and hat to match. My friend, who was also volunteering, and I looked at each other confused. Who goes strollin’ around a blazin’ hot industrial kitchen in a fur coat and hat?! I think Diddy is smart and savvy, don’t get me wrong. The music he created is much of the soundtrack of some very cherished years of my life. But, my friend and I laughed about his fur coat parade for years. When writing this post, I reached out to her to confirm that my recollection of the facts was correct.  

“Did Diddy rock a fur hat with his coat that time he came up in the kitchen?” I asked. 

“Yes! His mama had one too!” 

Did Diddy rock a fur hat with his coat that time he came up in the kitchen?

~ Single Girl

Rappers Ma$e, Lil’ Cease and the late Notorious B.I.G. were among the artists who appeared that day at the event. I thought Ma$e was such a cutie pie; I made sure to put a little extra turkey and gravy on his plate when I served him. 

(2) Side Hustle, Strategically

Instead of delivering pizzas or Uber eats, consider doing a side hustle in an environment in which you’d actually like to be. I’ve been a server in the past.  I have no desire to do that again as a side hustle (and, frankly, low-paying law-related hustles pay better and offer better hours), but if I needed to do a service-related kind of hustle like that right now, I’d be very strategic about it. I wouldn’t serve at just any restaurant that would give me a job. I’d serve at a high-end restaurant where (1) the managers and owners would likely value my professionalism and customer service and (2) where the higher meal tickets would likely yield higher tips. 

Likewise, I wouldn’t be a valet at just any restaurant. I’d valet at a high-end night club, a hotel or even a night club (i.e., places where people are likely to want me to be delicate with their expensive car or, in the case of the hotel, might be there on someone else’s dime for business and will be more free with the tips). 

Do you like sports and concerts? Wanna be in the middle of the action? Consider getting an evening and weekend gig at a local arena. If you’ve ever been to a professional sporting event, you see a slew of people around the field and court. Those people are getting an amazing view of the game and the players, while getting paid. They’re also getting the chance to rub shoulders with the people who have paid to be in those expensive seats.

Being strategic in your choice of side hustles can not only get you paid, but also get you exposed to some cool people.

(3) Get Your Worship On

In other words, go to church, a synagogue or some other place that people go to be spiritually fed. It’s free. Plus, it’s designed for attendees to actually get something out of it. I’m not saying that you’ll, necessarily, get something out of it, but . . . you’re supposed to. In any case, depending on the size of the worship center you attend, there will be a slew of people there. 

If I was a man, looking for a woman, I’d be all up in the church. There are so many single women in churches! 

Though I do tithe, I don’t actually go into the church to do it. I want God in my life, and take the active step of tithing to demonstrate that I want Him to be a part of my financial life. I’m still in the process of coaxing myself back to church attendance. I used to attend religiously, but stopped going consistently about 6 years ago. I will go back to church . . . I will go back to church, I say to myself. I just haven’t showed up yet.

(4) Get Healthy and Fit

One could argue that a person should be in better shape when on a debt-free journey. Of course, most of a debt slayer’s time should be spent working a main hustle and side hustles. While in a scaled-back lifestyle, there are a lot of things that a debt slayer probably doesn’t have in the budget – the kinds of things that tend to make people gain weight. Processed foods, alcohol, restaurant meals, going out for expensive drinks and meals probably shouldn’t be very prevalent in the budget. Theoretically, a debt slayer should be eating pretty healthily because he or she is cooking their own meals.  

By not going out as much, that leaves the debt slayer with time to exercise. For debt slayers who live in large apartment or condo complexes, a workout center probably can be found in the complex. For those who don’t have that luxury, and have maintained a gym membership, now would be a great time to wear the heck out of that membership. Though some people are extremely focused and intense while working out, some others are a little more friendly and open. You might find someone willing to being an accountability/workout partner. Or, since they are interested in being fit, they might prefer to just go for a walk, instead of going out for drinks. 

For those of us (like me) who don’t have a workout room or gym membership, this is a good time to do more jogging and engage in other physical activity. In fact, I met a guy I used to date while walking around the park that is near my condo. 

I play tennis and have done so for several years now. I play on 3 teams throughout the year – two women’s teams and one mixed doubles team. The teams have alternating seasons, with a little bit of overlap. As of late, I’ve also decided to start playing “flex” tennis, which allows individuals around the city to play one another based on their own schedules. Unlike team play – where practices and matches are on specific days and at specific times, flex play gives you several days and weeks on which matches can be scheduled. 

Playing team or flex tennis isn’t free. But it is a great way to combine physical activity with the social aspect that comes with team play, without paying the cost of a monthly gym membership. When playing flex, I get the chance to meet different women throughout the city. To play on my women’s teams, I pay $70 to $100 per season in dues. I usually play 3 seasons per year. The dues for the mixed doubles team is $25 per season. I may play 1 to 2 seasons per year. A flex season registration is either $25 or $35. I’ve only recently started playing flex again and have only played 1 season in the last several years. 

I’m in the process of determining what my debt free journey fitness solution will be in the upcoming months and in 2020.  As I write, I realize that I may need to make a cut or two on my paid-for play and find a tennis meet-up that doesn’t cost any money. When I moved back to my condo late last year, I got a gym membership because I no longer had the benefit of the fancy gym that I had at my apartment. But, when I got super serious about my debt free journey around the middle part of the year, I terminated my membership. I figured that I would have to first prove to myself a renewed commitment to my fitness before I’d be willing to spend any more money on a gym membership that I wasn’t really using. That would mean that I’d need to consistently work out, using the resources I already had. I could get on a running regimen. I could do squats and lunges in my parking lot. I could use the small set of free weights that I already have. I’d have to do something and be very consistent about it. Not until after, over a period of months, I was back to being consistent, would I even consider any form of monthly or repeated payment for fitness-related services.

(5) Maximize Existing Social Networks

Do you know how many people I’m linked to on LinkedIn that I haven’t bothered to get to know? If I don’t go to a networking event for the next 5 years, I could still build amazing relationships with the people to whom I’m already connected. Just this week, I had a “let me get to know you” call with a LinkedIn connection who thought that we’d benefit from getting to learn more about what each of us does professionally. There are a number of talented and interesting people – with whom I already have a connection of sorts – that I could call, email or try to get to know. I’m sure you have a bunch of those people, too.

(6) Take Full Advantage of Memberships

This suggestion piggybacks on the last one. If you already have a membership to any kind of group or club, use your debt free journey as a chance to actually engage with the people who are part of the group. This includes social groups, professional associations, civic groups, and religious groups. If the organization has a monthly membership meeting, one way to be social and meet people would be to actual show up to the meeting. Since you’ve already paid your membership fee, your entry to the meeting is probably included in the membership. 

If you aren’t already a member of any organizations, there are groups you can easily join through platforms like MeetUp.com. That site contains groups for any kind of affinity that tickles your fancy. Like cats? There’s probably a cat group. Like books? There are a ton of book clubs. Like Star Wars, Comicon and that kind of stuff? There are groups for that, too. There are even groups for those who want to live debt free! To join these groups is at a minimal or very low cost.

My law firm is housed in a local business club/co-working space. The space offers a range of programming – many of which is free for members to attend. Some of the programming includes entrepreneurship panels, happy hours, tax preparation seminars and dance parties. To the extent that I want to meet new people or get some interesting content, the club provides a number of opportunities. Since my company is paying for it (and it is much cheaper than traditional office space), I should take full advantage of it. Perhaps your company (even if you don’t own the company) provides similar opportunities of which you are not taking full advantage.

(7) Expose Yourself While Working

Use your work time as an opportunity to be out and be seen. Many of us these days are peddling information and services that don’t require us to be in any particular place while doing our work. For example, if one of your side hustles is freelancing on Upwork or building a Shopify store, you’re in the position to work from anywhere that has good wifi. Is there a sexy coffee shop around that also sells beer and wine? Or, is there a place that has tables, but also a loungey kind of feel? What I’m getting at here is the possibility of finding a place that you like, that fits your personality and is low-cost or no cost. Starbucks isn’t the only game in town. Is there a place that’s got a cool vibe that resonates with you and the kind of people with whom you’d like to socialize? What about a park or one of these new restaurant incubators that have food court-like central areas?

I know that some in the debt free community advocate going to the library. This debt slayer does not so advocate. My approach to the library is to check out the materials I want and get up out of there. I say this because, in a major city like mine, the library is a place where vagrants and homeless people post up for hours on end. The last time I was in a library, a man watched me intently, until he gathered the courage to talk to me. He chatted with me about how much he liked the library and the topics that he liked to study. He was notably articulate and clearly took his studies seriously. This was obvious when he said something along the lines of,  “See? We indigent people aren’t that bad.” Then he proceeded to ask me for my number so that he could take me to out some time. 

Indigent? Indigent?!

Indigent [in-di-juhnt]: lacking food, clothing and other necessities of life because of poverty; needy; poor; impoverished.

~ Dictionary.com

I was pleasant and respectful to the guy with whatever reason I gave him for why I wouldn’t give him my number. I’d be lying if I said that various thoughts weren’t going through my mind. What?! Do I strike you as a woman who would be interested in being romantically linked to an indigent? What am I wearing? Jesus Christ, my vibration must be low. I need to meditate. 

I empathise with those who are impoverished, and my aim in getting myself financially free is to be able to do more to help those who are in need. With my financial situation, I’m about one bad month from being indigent my damn self. But do I want to date a destitute dude, though? No, sir! Not even a little bit. Note that this library was in that fancy, high-end neighborhood in which I lived last year. So, this happened in the library behind the building of my $1,850 per month, 1 bedroom apartment. Another time I was at a library in the suburbs and a random woman tried to open my passenger side door, while I was sitting in the car! Needless to say, I’m not about that library life. 

Long story short: your debt free journey might be a great opportunity to explore different parts of your city and uncover the hidden gems that are right under your nose.

Look. Full Disclosure. In this post, I’ve written about things that I need to work on myself. As I continue to get accustomed to my debt-free journey non-lifestyle, there are adjustments that I need to make. I need to build new habits and new routines that keep me from being on the Howard Hughes solitude program, while not breaking the budget. Plus, maximizing my exposure may help me manifest Mr. Vortexy Next Dude (see The Manscape). I’m still working through how to balance my high-intensity work life with some time for self-care, fitness and social connections. My focus, above all,  is in getting out of debt. That process involves the reduction of expenses (which can only be cut so far) and the increase of income. But, as I’ve stated before, I don’t want to get to the end of this journey with no debt, AND no friends and no man. There needs to be some strategy involved with this – for the sake of both time and money.