Lifestyle

Binge Gone Crazy

January 28, 2020 by tanya

Things Were Going Well . . . Until They Weren’t

I was on that restrictive diet – a gluten-free, dairy-free pescatarian diet. With it, I was usually able to keep my weight where I wanted it to be – in the 120s (pounds) range. If I got out of hand with alcohol or sweets, I would see a slight uptick in my weight that might put me into the 130s. Upon seeing that I was getting unruly, I’d commit to cutting back to shed the pounds and get back to a weight in the 120s.

I used to be able to shed the weight fairly easily, once I’d committed to pulling things back together. In the later part of last year, I realized that I’ve come to a point in my life (perhaps age, hormones, not exercising as hard), where it’s just not as easy as it once was.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve got to take a different approach now. The old system no longer works with my current body. It now takes longer to get the same results.

I also don’t have the same willingness or desire to subscribe to a highly restricted diet in which I’m rejecting entire food groups indefinitely. That doesn’t work for me anymore. I want to come up with a system that aligns with the way my body works and that will help me produce the sustainable results that I’d like.

I mentioned several months ago that I was trying the program outlined in the book The Plan. I started the Plan and began to see some results in terms of weight loss. The Plan is basically a guided elimination diet program that aims to help you find those foods that work well with your body and those that do not. The idea is to develop your diet around knowledge about how your body functions and focus on that instead of on calories.

What delighted me about my experience with The Plan is that I was able to test (and pass the test for) 3 of the things I hadn’t eaten in over 3 years, but absolutely LOVE – bread, chicken and cheese. This had me so excited!

A couple of weeks after I started The Plan, my birthday came and I went HAM. HAM! Having recently passed that part of the Plan that tested bread, chicken and cheese, I first started by having some of those foods while out. Oh how elated I was to be able to have the pre-meal bread and to not have to hold the cheese on a salad.

The HAMation that began on my birthday quickly turned into a full on spiral. I swear, I had a 3-week binge. Even though I had only passed the 3 tests (and hadn’t tested anything else yet), I decided to eat AAALLLLLLLL of the stuff that I had missed over the previous 3 years! All of it!

Chicken? Yup. Beef? Yup. Queso dip with beef? Yup. Cheeseburgers? Yup. Dessert (that wasn’t sorbet)? Pancakes? Yup. Pizza?! Yup, yup, yup! I went bananas!

Because it was my birthday, the holidays (remember, I also went to Las Vegas to hang out with The Bulldozer), and I had a strong dating month in December, I was getting treated to a number of restaurant outings. So I had several opportunities to indulge. I went from one end of the diet spectrum all the way to the other.

Getting Back On Track

By the time I started to gain some semblance of sensibility, I had become quite the thickums. As a woman who is only 5 feet tall (and is used to being in the 120s), the addition of weight can feel and look significant pretty quickly. I like being smaller. I like my clothing to fit (much of which aren’t fitting right now). Though I was having a great time eating all of the stuff I wanted to eat, I knew it was not sustainable. I had to reel it in. I just didn’t want to go back to the diet I had been on for the previous 3 years.

Like I said before, I don’t want to struggle with both debt and weight. As I work my way through this debt situation, I can’t, simultaneously, stumble into a weight problem. That’s the reason I included weight loss and maintenance as one of my goals for 2020. Finding a new system – a controlled, but not highly restrictive system – is critical. What was working for me before no longer works. So it’s time to identify a new solution.

For now, I’m going old school. I shook the dust off of the MyFitnessPal app on my phone and have started tracking everything I eat and drink. I’m operating on a 1,200 calorie per day allotment. So far, the calorie counting has been working. When I keep my consumption under 1,200 calories per day, I lose weight. I have been able to enjoy certain foods, while still reducing the pounds.

Additionally, I’m paying attention to not just to my caloric intake, but also how my body is responding to different foods. I think that the premise of The Plan is great; I just don’t think that eating the way that is outlined in the book is sustainable for me. Many of the recipes just don’t resonate with me. I’m looking for sustainability – something that I can subscribe and commit to as a lifestyle.

I’ve also started exercising consistently again. Though I play tennis, I don’t typically play during winter season and my next season won’t be starting up for another month or so. Nonetheless, even when playing tennis, I still need to have a consistent workout habit. I let that fall to the wayside last year, but have now picked it back up.

Was weight loss and/or fitness on your list of goals for 2020? We’re almost a full month into the new year, so how has it gone so far? Which program or approach are you using and how do you like it?

Why You Should Give Men Compliments

January 24, 2020 by tanya

Did you know that today is National Compliment Day? I didn’t. But I like it.

Giving a genuine, well-meaning compliment is such a simple, but powerful, way to not only uplift the spirit of another, but to raise your own vibration level as well. Since today is a day that is specifically designated for this kind-hearted gesture, I thought I ought to delve into the subject a bit . . . from a single girl perspective.

I think we can agree that women are more accustomed to receiving verbal praise than men. The more attractive a woman is deemed to be, the more she is likely to receive flattering comments on a regular basis. If she’s in a city or country in which men generally feel very comfortable expressing themselves to women, she’s even more likely to be a regular recipient of words of admiration.

Women, who tend (I’m not saying we’re all like this) to be less forward with men they know, don’t seem to give nearly as much praise to men and they, themselves, receive. I know I don’t. I’m gracious in receiving them, but I don’t always return each one with another.

Men Don’t Receive Enough Compliments

I don’t have any scientific evidence of this, but I’ve lived long enough to know that men don’t receive enough positive communication from women. In an article from Melmagazine.com, a man is quoted as saying, “Back in December a girl told me she really liked my shoes . . . I’m still riding the high on that compliment.” I’m not an advocate for pandering to anyone – man or woman – but I do believe that honest, kind words go a long way. And I’m happy to dish them out. I can’t recall a time at which I’ve given a man a compliment and it wasn’t met with either pleasant surprise, a very warm smile, enthusiastic appreciation or a return sweet comment.

It’s Good For You

Women can benefit from giving expressing admiration to men. Genuinely saying something nice to someone makes you feel good. When you give a man a compliment – remember, they don’t get them nearly as often as we do – you’ll see the expression of gratitude on his face. You can’t help but feel good about that.

It’s a Great Way To Flirt

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you. He may have wanted to talk to you, but just didn’t bring himself to do it. By you saying something to him – something as benign as, “What a beautiful tie you’re wearing,” he feels that he can now have a conversation with you. In fact, it would be rude of him to not say something to you. At the very least, he should reply with a “thank you” or a “‘’preciate that.” If he has an interest in knowing you more, this is his opportunity to give you a compliment, ask you your name, or begin any other conversation.

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you.”
~ Single Girl

Last week, I was in the grocery store and passed a good-looking guy as I walked down the tea aisle. I was in a rush and I was there to pick up only 2 things and get out. He seemed to be in a rush, too. However . . . I saw out of my peripheral vision that he did the look back (you know what I’m talking about) after he passed me. I thought to myself, “Hmmmm . . . he’s cute . . . rockin’ his black sweater, black jeans and black Chucks.” I continued to the check-out line.

As I would do in any situation, I turned around to look at the person who stepped into the line behind me in the check out. Guess who it was? Yes, Mr. All Black Everything. When I turned around, I said to him, “I really like your look.” This was true. Remember, I had already been thinking that his all black look was dope. I just hadn’t said anything as I rushed passed him toward the checkout.

His response: I like yours, too.

“NEXT!,” the cashier called out, breaking up our little in-line conversation. I stepped up to check out. He went to the next available cashier. He walked out of the store before I did. When I made it out of the store, Mr. All Black Everything was standing on the sidewalk. Hmmm . . .maybe he’s waiting for an Uber. Nope. He was waiting for me. Long story short: he picked up the conversation and made sure to get my number before we each got into our cars.

I can’t say I was really intending to flirt with Mr. All Black Everything. I just thought he was cute and liked the look he put together for himself. Genuinely. When I had an easy opportunity to tell him so, I did, and it led to a further conversation.

The Kind of Compliments I Give Men I Don’t Know

I’ll compliment men on any number of things. My only rule for my compliment-giving is that it be genuine – that I’m not just saying it to say it. Below are some of my go-to phrases.

“Beautiful shoes.”
“Well, don’t you look dapper.” (Usually if he’s got on a suit or tux or looks like he’s going to a special event.)
“Look at those waves!” (For guys who have low fade haircuts and put effort into having wavy hair. It really matters to them.)
“Beautiful teeth.”
“You smell nice.”

You’ll note that these are acknowledgements of a particular attribute, article of clothing or accessory they’re wearing. None of these statements are bombastic. Grand statements, like “Ooooo, you’re so fine,” or something like that are comments I’m not likely to make without first receiving that kind of comment from him. Though men appreciate being told nice things, those big statements can make them uncomfortable – so uncomfortable that they just don’t know what to say or do. If, for example, you tell a man that he’s “gorgeous” or “stunning,” and he doesn’t find you to be equally as beautiful, he’s not going to know what to say in response. No decent man wants to hurt a woman’s feelings (that’s why some of them just lie and ghost women), so he might feel uneasy in the face of such a lofty statement from a woman.

I’m also cognizant of staying away from behavior that can be classified as “thirsty.” I’m happy to return a grand compliment like that (if I find him to be attractive), but I’m more likely to say something about his outfit or his smile before I’m going to give him an overall “you’re super amazing-looking” kind of affirmation.

However you choose to go about doing it, ladies, be sure to say something nice to someone on this here National Compliment Day. . . and on future days as well. Specifically, consider complimenting a man. They just don’t get lauded enough and it doesn’t cost you anything to share a kind word. If you’re not used to giving compliments to men you don’t know, I encourage you to try it. You’ll feel great and it’ll TOTALLY brighten his day. You might even end up sparking a conversation. You never know where that could lead. 😉

Planner for 2020 – Goodbye Full Focus Planner, Hello . . .

January 17, 2020 by tanya

In November of 2019, I started researching paper planner books. I still use a physical planner because I find value in writing things on paper. I like being able to cross things off of a list. I like being able to turn pages. I also like having both goals, tasks, and schedules all in one place – even if I have those things captured somewhere else digitally as well. There’s something about physically writing something down that feels effective to me.

I’m still streamlining my organizational system, but my system is currently (and probably will remain) a dual platform system that consists of both digital and paper tools. For example, I use my Google calendar religiously. What appears in my Google calendar also appears in my physical calendar.

For the 2019 year, I used the Michael Hyatt’s Full Focus Planner. I committed to using it for a full year and signed up for the annual subscription. With the subscription, I received a new planner every 3 months – one for each quarter of the year.

I like the idea of planning and executing in 3-month timeframes. I think it is a way to add a bit of urgency that may not exist when one is focused only on annual goals. I began to subscribe to this idea when I read the book The 12 Week Year by Brian Moran and Michael Lennington.

Though I like Michael Hyatt’s teaching and his approach to business growth and organization, the Full Focus Planner wasn’t a great fit for me.

Four Books Is Too Much – Having 4 separate books proved to be more burdensome than beneficial. When I wanted to refer back to something that happened in the prior quarter, I had to go back to that book to locate the note or information. Additionally, with each book, you find yourself filling out all of the annual goal information in order to capture it in each of the different books.

I Wasn’t Utilizing Many of the Pages – I found that there were a significant number of pages that I just didn’t use. For example, I didn’t need the weekend pages to be as robust as the weekday pages, so I ended up with a lot of blank space on those pages. When you aggregate all of those pages, what’s left is a book that has too much unutilized or underutilized space.

Setting it Up Each Quarter was Time-Consuming – Each book is a standalone book for the planning and organizing of that quarter. However, each quarter’s activities are based on the annual goals for that year. So, each book has an Annual Goals page at the start of it. And, if you want your planner to be comprehensive, you find yourself re-writing the goals in each of the quarterly planners. If you want to be really comprehensive, you find yourself writing the details of the goal again as well on the Goal Details pages. While I recognize that every paper planner takes some time to organize, set up, and fill in (e.g., dates, days, goals, etc.), doing this repeatedly became more than I was interested in doing.

Looking for a planner for 2020 was a process that I enjoyed. I spent significant time looking at the various planner types, including written reviews and videos. I considered planners designed for productivity, for women, for entrepreneurs, for big picture goals for how I want to feel, for . . . all kinds of different people and aims. I did a deep dive into the following:

At the end of my search, I was deciding between the Erin Condren Life Planner and the Ruth Soukup Living Well Spending Less Planner. I spent significant time thinking through what didn’t work for me with the Full Focus Planner and why and what I might need to have my planner be more effective and functional for my needs.

Ultimately, the design of the Living Well Planner offered both a look and functionality that I thought would be great for me.

First, I love the beginning section of it that has you distill your goals down to 3 – just 3 – annual goals. I also appreciate that it has you capture a “Motto Statement” and a “Word of the Year” (remember, mine is “focus”).

Second, I like that that entire year is contained in the 1 planner. That means that this 1 book can be used as my personal bible for the year.

What I also like is that the whole week and all appointments, meal planning ideas and top 3 “must do” items can be seen all in a glance.

There are also some other cool pages, like the Goal Crushing Pages that have you break down a monthly big goal into smaller, manageable steps and the Project Planning pages which . . . help you plan out projects.

Lastly, having tabbed months and sticker sheets make me happy as well.

The planner also comes with Ruth’s Crushing It Central course which walks you through the process of getting the planner set up and becoming familiar with it. I went through the course and found it to be helpful and thoughtful.

Though I’ve been using the planner and really like it so far, I haven’t utilized all of the page types available. For example, I haven’t used a Goal Crushing or Project Planning page yet (I’m not sure why – I just haven’t.)

I’ve included a gallery of images from the planner in this post.

What are you using for your planning for this year? How do you like it so far?

January 2020 Budget Breakdown

January 10, 2020 by tanya

I’m heading to Chicago this month.
Photo by Alex Livingston on Unsplash

I feel pretty good about the first budget of 2020. I’ve been preparing a monthly budget consistently for several months now. It is such a valuable exercise. It forces me to be intentional about my decisions and has made me feel much more in control of my money.

I’ve based the January budget on income of $8,000 this month.

I use Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar software to do my monthly budgeting. Instead of using the premium version (EveryDollar Plus), I use the free version. The free version doesn’t connect with your bank and credit accounts, so I am intentionally forcing myself to really connect with my numbers, instead of being able to simply drag and drop imported expenditures. This forces me to manually capture every single amount spent each month.

According to the summary of spending that appears in EveryDollar, here’s how the percentages of planned spending breaks down for the month:

You’ll see that giving (tithe), savings, housing, transportation, insurance, and debt comprise a total of $6,482.02 – 81% of the budget. A significant chunk of that is going to savings for that beast of an HOA special assessment I have coming due in February (½ of $8,200) and early March (½ of $8,200).

What I pay myself consists of both payroll and shareholder distributions. In determining what I’ll pay myself, I balance the two. (See The Tsunami Situation – Tax Edition, which explains why business owners often split their income between W-2 employee income payroll and distributions as an owner).

Lifestyle – My Lifestyle category allocation this month is a bit higher than usual. I’ve allocated $450 for a trip that I’m taking to Chicago this month to support a friend who is graduating from a professional program. When she invited me to come, she told me that she would pay for my airline ticket and hotel (because she knows that I’m on my debt-free journey). The $450 I’ve allocated doesn’t include the flight or any hotel expenses. It includes funds for food when I travel as well as a gift (like flowers, dinner or something) for my friend.

Food – This is also higher than normal (for a few months in the later part of the year, my grocery budget was $100 for the month). I’ve been changing my diet and trying to figure out a sustainable eating plan that will allow me to be at my desired weight without having a bunch of irritation and tension around food choices. I’m eating things I haven’t eaten in years. My aim is to figure out what works well for both my body and my budget. So, some experimentation is required. I’ll share more about this in a later post.

Sinking Funds – This month I resumed the funding of my sinking funds. Since I had some funds in the accounts, I stopped funding them in the later part of last year. With this being a new year, however, I want to make sure that I have the money I need for what might arise this year. My sinking funds are for the following needs:

Home Repairs and Maintenance
Car Replacement/Repairs
Gifts
Clothing (this is included in the “Lifestyle” category)

I plan to have a great start to the new year!

2020 Goals for Single Girl

January 3, 2020 by tanya

New beginnings are meaningful to me. I love having the chance to reset and to put away the matters of the past with an eye toward the future. Making firm decisions and new commitments can be energizing and inspiring. That was then, we can say to ourselves. This is now. And though the dates we set around these decisions and commitments are pretty arbitrary, there’s something about a definite date that puts a metaphorical line in the sand. June 1, 19 blah-blah-blah was the day that I decided to stop smoking, one might say. Or, the day I turned 30, I made the decision to take control of my life and stop being self-destructive, another might say. Whatever it is, that first step – making the decision – turns on a switch and has the potential to send us in a different, better direction.

With this being the start of not only a new year, but a whole new decade, I’m really excited about the promises that the future holds. I’m looking forward to intentionally giving this decade of my life a different tone. I’m not on that “new year, new me . . . 20/20 clarity of vision” thing that folks are doing. I know that nothing changes until I do. I’m talking about real change – not just a declaration of the decision to change. I intend to make this year a really strong start. Ten years from now, I want to be able to look back and say that 2020 was the year that things really started to change for me. Quantum leap, amazing changes.

This year, I’m intentionally committing to less. I’m not doing my usual, which is to have 8-10 goals for the year. That hasn’t worked well in the past for me. I figure I better do something different if I want a different result.

My Word for the Year

That said, my word for the year is “Focus.” Focus. Focus. Focus. That’s a powerful word for me because I have a tendency to do a bunch of things, while failing to go as deeply into them (and being as successful in them) as I’d like. While I look forward to one day being a person who has multiple, reliable sources of income, I may have subscribed to that a bit too early in my entrepreneurial journey. I think I need to get a one or two things really, really right, then branch off into various other forms of income. I’ve come to terms with the fact that doing something really well takes time – and focus.

One of my favorite quotes from Warren Buffet is this: “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” This makes a lot of sense to me; I think it is just easier said than done. That would explain why this action applies to the “really successful people” – that world-class level of people who have accomplished more than others.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
~ Warren Buffet, Gagillionaire American Investor and Money Guy

With “focused” being my modus operandi, below are my specific goals.

FINANCIAL GOALS

(1) Double revenues generated through business.

With this, I’m referring to top-line gross income, not the income on which I pay personal taxes.

(2) Reduce my total debt balance by $46,000.

This amount is double the amount by which I reduced my debt in 2019. In order to make this happen, significant changes will have to occur. This is definitely a stretch goal for me. I’m inspired by it because I will have to do things differently in 2020 in order to make it happen.

PERSONAL GOAL

My personal goal is to lose 18 pounds, through a habit of exercise (beyond playing tennis) and a sustainable, balanced diet. That would put me at my goal weight of 120 lbs. It takes significant work and sacrifice for me to get to 120 lbs, but I did it at points in 2019, 2018, 2017 and 2016. My aim now is to do it by creating a lifestyle that allows me to maintain it.

The balanced nature of the diet is important to me because I want to implement changes that are long-lasting. I realize now that my restricted diet wasn’t something that I would be interested in maintaining as a lifestyle. When I was faced with figuring out how to function within the boundaries of both my restricted diet and restricted budget, I started to reconsider why I was continuing to operate under such restrictions. I wasn’t enjoying food anymore. Figuring out what to eat was giving me angst.

I want to be healthy, look great and feel great. But I want to do it in a way that I can: (1) not have a tense relationship with food, (2) maintain a reasonable budget, and (3) maintain balance (i.e. enjoy food sometimes).

FUN STUFF

Here are 2 “fun” desires that I’m putting out into the universe for 2020 (but not considering an active goal per se):

Go on 2 out-of-state trips with a guy (doesn’t have to be the same guy) that I truly enjoy being with and with whom I have a great romantic relationship.

Have at least 2 spa experiences (either solo or with someone).

Be able to not do any client work the last 2 weeks of the year.

I plan to be rigid, intentional and diligent. Decisions will need to be filtered through the lens of . . . will this help me get closer to my goals?

Don’t new beginnings get you fired up?

What are your plans for 2020?

How many goals do you have? (More importantly, have you written them down? I’m sure you’ve heard that they likelihood of accomplishing your goals is significantly higher if you capture them in writing. So, do it. :-))

What will you do differently so that you can actually achieve these goals?

The Manscape – December 2019

December 30, 2019 by tanya

There was a good bit of dude activity this month. I didn’t expect so much to happen over the last 30 days, but it was nice to get out and have some memorable experiences . . . and a couple of surprises.

Whole Foods Joker

The “Make Up”

Last month, Whole Foods Joker and I got off to a bad start and I ended up flipping out on him. Where we left off was him saying that he wanted to make up for his “we missed each other” excuse for his no call, no show shenanigans for the first date we had scheduled. Well, he did what he said he would do. A couple of days after he said that he would set up the spa visit for me, I received a text from him telling me to go ahead and book my massage at the hotel spa that was my preferred choice.

When I called the hotel, they were expecting my call. The representative at the hotel mentioned that Whole Foods Joker had actually gone into the hotel to make arrangements for the service. This is notable because he took the time and effort to physically do to the hotel (it’s not near his side of town), choose the longer vs. shorter massage offered and pay for it. I appreciated him doing this. After booking the appointment, I sent him the following message:

I scheduled my appointment. It is not lost on me that you physically went to the hotel to make arrangements. Like I said, I really respect people’s times, so I want you to know that I acknowledge and appreciate both your time and effort. It appears that you really meant what you said.

His response: Thanks and it won’t happen again. I appreciate you to the max and we just met. You reminded me of a principle that I live by, which is no excuses, no matter what the circumstances when it’s humanly possible! So far I really like you and I have a strong feeling that we’re going to become great friends.

The Birthday

Later that week, I celebrated my birthday. Whole Foods Joker forgot to reach out to me on that day, even though we previously discussed it. After my birthday passed and we were texting, he asked me about getting together during the upcoming weekend. When I mentioned that I had birthday plans for the weekend, he immediately became apologetic for forgetting to reach out to me the day before (my actual birthday). He noted that we had spoken about my birthday a couple of times, so he felt that he was definitely remiss for not remembering to say anything to me on the actual day. “I’ll have to make it up to you again,” he said.

The next day, I got a call from one of the receptionists at my business club stating that they had “something” there for me.

“Is this something I need to come and pick up today?” I asked.

“I would,” she responded.

He sent the bouquet of flowers pictured above.

A Lovely Surprise

Right before Christmas, Whole Foods Joker took me to lunch at my favorite high-end Thai restaurants. It was a cool, relaxed and pleasant lunch. While there, he said that, though he doesn’t want to push in any way, he does like me and wants to continue our communication and interaction.

He also asked me if I would feel uncomfortable if he gave me a Christmas gift. Totally surprised that he got me a gift, I told him the truth. “I love gifts,” I said. “I’m happy to receive it if you don’t mind that I didn’t get a Christmas gift for you.” He assured me that he wasn’t at all concerned about me not having gotten him a gift.

The gift was nicely wrapped in a Saks Fifth Avenue box. I opened it to find a bottle of Kilian’s Good Girl Gone Bad perfume in a beautiful white case with a gold serpent’s head on it. I had previously never heard of that perfume, but I love how it smells. It smells fancy and sophisticated. It is now the most expensive bottle of perfume that I have.

In addition to the perfume, he made a peach cobbler for me to share with my family on Christmas. I thought that was very nice of him.

One more thing: he mentioned that he has tickets to the Babyface concert in March and invited me to be his date for the show. I told him that I would. At this point, I think it would be fair to modify his name from Whole Foods Joker to simply Whole Foods.

Jameson

On the heels of the cabin trip we did last month, Jameson and I had another wonderful experience this month. About a week prior to my birthday, he asked me to provide him with a few date and time windows during which I’d be able to do some sort of mystery “activity.”

They mystery activity ended up being a helicopter tour over the city! I was sooooooo excited about it, once we pulled up to the airplane for the private jets, I was delighted that I’ve had the chance to experience something I’ve never experienced.

He knows that I love experiences, and he provided a great one that I really enjoyed and appreciated.

After the ride, we went and indulged in Cadillac margaritas and Mexican food.

Basketball Ex

I got another tremendous birthday surprise when my ex, with whom I haven’t spoken in years, reached out to me. First, I saw a missed call from him on my phone. Then, I saw an email from him. I could tell from the email address he used to reach me that he Googled me to find my contact information.

Basketball Ex is 6’7”, gorgeous (at least he was when I was with him) and used to play professional basketball overseas. His basketball career ended a couple of years before we got together.

When we caught up with each other on the phone, he seemed excited to be talking. I was excited, too. It had been a long time since we had a conversation. A girlfriend of mine ran into him at the gym a couple of years ago. And my mom ran into him at Best Buy a few years back, as well. I haven’t seen him since we broke up about 12 years ago.

He shared that he married and is recently divorced. In addition to the child he had before we got together, he now has 2 more, including a 2-year old. We caught up on how he was doing and how I’ve been over the years. We reminisced and laughed about the great times we had when we were together.

My favorite parts of the conversation were the ones where he expressed his regret over how he handled our relationship – how stupid he had been when we were together (it feels good when they recognize their foolishness, right?). He said that, though he’s been married, he hasn’t been in love any woman since he’d was in love with me. “I should have married you when I had the chance,” he said. Yes, he should have, for his sake. For mine, however, it’s a good thing he didn’t.

He asked if we could stay in touch, possibly get together in person and be friends. Of course. I have no ill feelings toward him and no regrets when it comes to our relationship. He was never a bad guy to begin with and it sounds like he’s grown even more spiritually and mentally. I’ve grown as well. The energy between us is good.

He also stated that he was hopeful that we could possibly see how things might work for us again romantically. I don’t see that happening, but I never say never even if I believe it’s a never situation. He sent me a “Good morning” text on each of the 2 days that followed my birthday. I haven’t heard from him since. That doesn’t surprise me. I think he expected me to be eager about the prospect of possibly getting back together. I was polite, but I don’t think I gave off the “I’m interested” vibe.

Cigar Bar

One portion of the botanical garden display.

Last month, I went to a fraternity event at a local cigar bar. A law school friend of mine is a member of the fraternity and he invites me to their functions. I didn’t feel like going, but a girlfriend of mine has recently been lamenting her lack of male action attention and wanted me to take her along to the event.

There is no shortage of men in a cigar bar. You know how you go somewhere, you see a bunch of guys in the room, but there’s that one in there that you really want to approach you? The one guy in the whole place that you want? That’s who this guy was. I danced with, made eye contact with, or had flirty exchanges with a few other guys, but this was the cutie pie that I’d hoped would ask me to dance or start talking to me. (As a general rule, I don’t approach men, however, I do try to make sure that I’m very approachable so that they feel comfortable talking to me.) Later in the evening he initiated a conversation, we danced, and we exchanged numbers.

A couple of weeks later, we went on great date at a nice restaurant in the city. After we finished the dinner portion of the date, he suggested that we go to the bar and have another drink. Later that week he made arrangements with me for our next date.

He’s a good-looking guy and I like his style. Our conversation flowed well during dinner. He was thorough and seemed very genuine when responding to my questions. He was good about throwing them back my way, but not as good about initiating his own. I don’t make much of that because many great guys aren’t so good at that.

Our 2nd date was last night. We went to see the holiday light display at the botanical garden. It was gorgeous!

My favorite part of the botanical garden exhibit – lights synchronized to music.

Everything was great until the end. When we were giving each other a goodbye hug, I expected him to initiate a kiss. Instead, he asked me for a “night cap.” We’re the same age, so the use of the term “nightcap” was interesting to me. I associate it with old people and The Love Boat.

“What does a nightcap entail?” I asked.

“It would be me coming to your place or you coming to mine . . .”

I didn’t listen to the rest of the explanation. I smiled and politely said, “Not tonight.”

We ended up texting a little bit after we left one another. He said that he went to a lounge that he’d been wanting to visit. He was still there while we were texting. At around 1:43 a.m. the texts stopped. I’m thinking he was looking for someone to handle his nightcap desires for the evening, since I didn’t oblige. It’ll be interesting to see if he asks me out again and how long it takes him to do that.

Mr. Nice For Now

Mr. Nice for Now has been overseas for about 5 weeks. He returns on New Year’s Eve. He’s been pretty consistent in communicating with me via What’s App while he’s been gone. I was surprised by that, but my friends were not. Though I didn’t expect him to totally go MIA, I didn’t expect him to reach out to me more often while he was away than he does when he’s here. It’s a smart move on his part – making sure to remain in consistent contact. It demonstrates that he’s thinking ahead. Some guys get distracted and get sparse with their communication. Then, when they decide to step up their interaction again, they think that the woman is going to think nothing of his negligent behavior.

While he’s been gone, I’ve thought about our situation and what I’d like to do about it. Though it suited my purposes for awhile, I don’t think it suits them any longer. Apparently it is serving his purposes because we’ve never spoken about making it any more than what it is. Spending time with someone who I know isn’t a good match for me long-term and with whom I don’t have the best chemistry isn’t working for me anymore. I can direct that time and energy elsewhere. I realize that operating consistently – and we’ve been seeing each other consistently for almost 11 months – with what is “nice for now,” but not what I really want, is sending the wrong message to my subconscious. What I should be focused on is what I truly want, not a temporary placeholder. I mean no disrespect with that statement. It’s just fact. What I should really be focused on is Vortexy Next Dude.

The Bulldozer

The Bulldozer is a platonic friend, so my relationship with him doesn’t qualify as one that should be included in the These Dudes category. Nonetheless, I mention my experiences and relationship with him because he is a man who has consistently been in my life and has been an important part of it. I value his friendship. In the same way that a father can show his daughter how she should be treated by men, my relationship with my male friends, including The Bulldozer, reinforces some of the ways I should be treated by the men in my life.

What I also appreciate is how, as a friend, he has exposed me to experiences that have been impactful in my life. Though the number of times that we have physically been in the same space is very limited (about 5 times in the last 7 years), the experiences we’ve had have been very positive for me as a woman. What I mean by that is that his he’s provided experiences for me, as his friend, that some women don’t get from men with whom they are romantically involved. It is helpful for a lady’s psyche and confidence when she has consistent positive experiences with great men – whether on a platonic or romantic level.

I’d been looking forward to our Vegas trip and it did not disappoint! The Bulldozer wouldn’t tell me much by way of details prior to my arrival, other than that the room he booked for us came with a concierge and that a driver would be at the airport to meet me.

I received a text indicating that the driver was there at the airport. He helped me get my suitcase from the baggage claim and proceeded to walk me to the stretch Cadillac limousine that he’d be using to take me to the Aria.

The room was amazing (see pics below)! We had a great time in Vegas. While in the room, we enjoyed chatting and joking with each other. We also got the chance to rest a bit (i.e., we didn’t want to exhaust ourselves by running around the hotel and the city nonstop).

To show some appreciation without breaking the bank, I had to campaign to get my mom to give me a bottle of Hennessy Pure White that she bought when we were on our of our overseas trips (we get the Pure White because it’s a liquor item that is very difficult to find in the United States). I also went to a high-end cigar shop and bought him 2 cigars for him to smoke with one of his buddies. (If you’re ever looking for a gift that appears to be high-end, but isn’t necessarily so, a cigar is a great option. This is especially true if you buy it from a fancy store that will put it in a nice bag or wrapping paper. They generally start as low as $10. Even for a man who doesn’t or rarely smokes, it is something he can have for special occasions. I’ve found cigars to be something that most guys can appreciate.)

My flight arrived about 12 hours prior to The Bulldozer’s, so I had a good bit of time to do with as I pleased. I had to get a couple of emails out to clients, then I hung out with a college classmate of mine who lives in Vegas. We planted ourselves in the Aria lobby, catching up, reminiscing, laughing and drinking. It was a great time!

Both of us were IN LOVE with the suite we had (you know how I feel about hotels!). In. Love. Not only did it have 2 full bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms (each with an independent bathtub, full closet and separate steam shower), it also had a toilet room with a heated toilet. After sitting on the warm seat, one could spray one’s front or back, and could have the water oscillate while spraying such front or back area. Then, you could turn the dryer on to get rid of the wetness. This toilet was well beyond any bidet I had ever experienced! I want one now.

The Bulldozer and I ordered room service for breakfast in our living room every morning. We went to Top Golf, had the most awesomest sea bass, king crab leg, calamari and steak dinner at Jean Georges Steakhouse, and saw the Jabbawockeez show. We had a blast! We agreed that the experience was great for both of us and for our friendship.

It’s My Birthday!

December 11, 2019 by tanya

Another year of life . . . another reason to be grateful.

I’m not, generally, a big birthday person. I don’t proclaim that I’ll be celebrating each day of my birthday month. Although I love, love, love gifts, I’m not the type to be fussy if I don’t get them or don’t get nice ones.

When it comes to milestone birthdays, however, I might do a little sumpthin’. For my golden birthday (my 11th) my mom got me a limousine for my friends to hang out. My 16th birthday was a business venture for me; I had a big birthday party at the convention center of my home town. I got a small loan from my parents, hired the hottest DJ in the city at the time, and charged other teenagers to get in. I paid my parents back in cash the night of the party and pocketed my profits.

My 21st birthday was fairly low-key; my college roommate and I went to Benihana for dinner. My 30th – also uneventful – so uneventful that I cannot recall what was done (that’s a shame). My 40th birthday was a different story. Twenty-one friends and family members celebrated with me in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. For my 40th, I was dating a man who was financially well-off, so I didn’t have to concern myself with the cost. In fact, for two of my prior birthdays, he took me out of the country. Being in another land is always my preference at this time of the year. I’d like my 45th birthday to be another overseas extravaganza, but we’ll have to see how that goes.

Whether my international soiree occurs for my 45th birthday will likely depend on where I am in my debt free journey and where I am romantically. So, like I said, I’m not someone who always makes a big deal out of my birthday, but I might do a little somethin’.

This year, my mom’s taking me to my favorite restaurant for dinner (remember the one that serves the amazing octopus?). Jameson is taking me to a mystery “activity” at the end of the week. I love surprises, so I’m all the way down with dealing with the unexpected. The Bulldozer got us a 2 bedroom/4 bathroom suite with concierge at the Aria for our Vegas trip; he said that the dope suite is part of my birthday present. I’ll take it. My homegirl paid for my ticket to a concert that she, myself and another college friend of ours will be attending in March.

Other than that, I expect to hear from friends and family via text, Facebook, or call throughout the day. Whatever happens, I’ll be happy.

If you’re a fellow Sagittarius, enjoy your birthday this month! Let’s celebrate another year of lives! Xoxoxo

4 Things For Which ALL Single Girls Should Be Grateful

November 29, 2019 by tanya

There’s so much for which I’m grateful. I woke up today with all of my senses and all of my appendages intact. Some people didn’t. I’m pain-free and healthy (despite the demon fibroids in my uterus); not everyone can say the same. I have amazing relationships with my immediate family. Some people don’t. I laid awake in a comfortable bed, in a home that is well-appointed, that has heat, electricity, and water. Some people didn’t have that same experience this morning. I have reliable transportation in which I feel safe and that no one is threatening to repossess. Some people are stressed every day over how they will get from place to place. I am able to make a living that is well above the poverty line. Though the poverty line is a very low bar, some folks can’t seem to get beyond it. While I’m not at all near where I’d like and plan to be in my life, there’s a lot in my life that is good and that I cannot take for granted.

Another aspect of my life that I appreciate is that I am a single woman. While there are both benefits and drawbacks to this status, for as long as I am single, I intend to focus on all that is great about being in this position. A single woman has unique opportunities that her married counterparts simply don’t have – opportunities for which all single girls should be very grateful. Check out the list below.

(1) Freedom

A single woman has the freedom to go, be and do as she wishes. She can, literally, be wherever she physically wants to be. Don’t like your current city? Relocate. Don’t like your current job? Get a different one. One might say, “Well, it’s not that easy.” I didn’t say it was easy; what I’m saying is that it can be done.

Those without children have an immense amount of liberty. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you must stay somewhere or do something that you don’t want to do. Regardless of the critical role that you play at your job or in your civic organizations – you have freedom. If someone could take Steve Jobs’ role at Apple, you, too, can be replaced.

I have a friend who, for years, wouldn’t leave her hometown because of the role (a volunteer role!) that she played at her church. She felt that the church organization wouldn’t be able to function in her absence. I’m a straight-shooter so I told her the truth. “You’re not that important. Trust me. If you want to move to another city, do it. They’ll be fine without you.” To her surprise, the church continued to operate and thrive in her absence, while she enjoyed the benefit of actually pursuing her own goals. For years, she Jedi mind tricked her own damn self into thinking that she didn’t have the flexibility to do what was best for her.

When it comes to dating, single girls have the chance to explore. The opportunities are endless. You can date various people (whatever kinds of people you’re into). You can have the sexual experiences you want to have and no one say nary a word regarding what you do. (Caveat: if you’re all up in these streets acting thoterrific, risking your physical and mental health, don’t be surprised if someone who loves you has something to say about it.) You can gain tremendous knowledge from the various experiences you have – learning more about what you want and don’t want out of mate.

(2) Choice

A single woman can make choices for herself without having to consider the desires of another adult person. Really. You can choose how you want to handle every single area of your life – your physical location, how you make money, how you’ll spend money, where you’ll vacation . . . everything! As long as it doesn’t hurt someone else (and, as long as you focus on yourself, few decisions should fall into this category), a single lady has unmitigated latitude to do as she wishes.

Everybody’s talkin’ all this stuff about me
Why don’t they just let me live
I don’t need permission to
Make my own decisions
That’s my prerogative
~ Bobby Brown, “My Prerogative,” Don’t Be Cruel

Even single girls with children have, at least, some level of flexibility. You’re the adult in your family situation, so you run the show. You only have to consider the desires of another adult person to the extent that it impacts your children and their relationship with their father (or their bonus mom, if you co-parent with another woman). But, there’s a lot in your life over which you still have control.

(3) Time

A single woman’s primary obligation is to herself and, if she is a mother, her children. Without having to be obligated to take care of a mate, a single girl can focus on herself. She can take the time she needs to figure out the direction in which she wants to go with her life. She can spend the time she needs to develop her interests and pursuing her goals.

Your time is your own. You don’t have to abide by or be cognizant of anyone else’s calendar other than your own. If you don’t have kids, there’s no running around the city from soccer to dance to piano lessons. If you want to spend a whole day at the movies, you can. If you want to spend an entire weekend at a silent retreat center, you can. There’s also no having to check in with someone else to let them know that you will be home late. I love, love, love that I can take some time to myself without that hurting someone else’s feelings or them feeling like my desire to be alone has something to do with them.

I think we (myself included) get so used to our habits and the things we usually do, that we forget that there’s a lot we don’t have to do. When we choose to over commit ourselves to the projects and objectives of others, that our own fault.

(4) Hope

Assuming that you want to have a mate, be grateful that you still have the chance to find a great one. Being single, you could literally, meet the love of your life tomorrow. Regardless of the relationship and dating experiences you’ve had in the past, your future is still full of opportunity. That’s not quite the case for your girlfriend who was so eager to be married that she married a clown who doesn’t treat her well. Or, the one who posts the #relationshipgoals photos on Facebook, all the while pretending that her husband isn’t having an affair. Of course, some people have amazing marriages. But, a lot of people don’t. Delight in the fact that you’re not one of those women in a bad one. An unmarried woman is still in the position to the perfect fit.

If you were lamenting your single status this holiday, don’t. Count your blessings and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!