Low Budget Ballin'

The Manscape – November 2019

November 27, 2019 by tanya

Ahhhh, these dudes.

Work Weekend With Jameson

The month started off with the weekend cabin trip that I mentioned in my Low Budget Ballin’ post. Jameson is a long-time friend. He invited me to do a “work weekend” at a beautiful lake cabin about an hour and a half north of the city. He’s got a big project on which he’s been working. I always have plenty that I need to do. So, he combined my love of a getaway with my desire to get things done.

Before agreeing to accompany him, I asked him if he was sure, sure, sure that he didn’t want to go with someone who he knew would be interested in having a romantic experience with him. He assured me that I was his choice.

We’ve known each other since we were children. He’s had a crush on the girl since then. He says that my little just-starting-to-develop boobs were the first ones he ever saw. We were playing a game of Chutes and Ladders and, when I leaned across the board to move my piece, he got a quick peek down my shirt. He and other members of his family were around my family beginning decades ago. As we became young adults (i.e., when we were engaged in our respective college careers), he became more clear and direct about his desire to have a romantic relationship. I finally decided to give us a chance when I was in law school.

Out of the approximately 34 years that we’ve known each other, we officially dated for about 1. He says he hasn’t had a girlfriend since me. (Shrug). Though we speak regularly, we had the opportunity, while at the cabin, to have some really in-depth, honest conversations. I think we both find the conversations to be very enlightening.

Why is his name “Jameson”? This man drinks excessively. He likes whiskey, so Jameson is an appropriate name. It’s to the point where, while under the influence, he’s done some things about which he’s incredibly ashamed. His drunken activities have severely impacted, if not totally destroyed, any possibility of me ever being willing to get back together with him. Though he has some qualities that I really admire, appreciate and love about him, there are a few other qualities that make a reconciliation highly unlikely.

Nonetheless, Jameson and I are still friends. Though he has stated at the cabin that he wants to get back together, he recognizes that I’m not interested in that. He’s made it clear that, whether with him or not, he wants me to be happy and wants to make sure that we maintain a friendship.

There’s a lot of water under the bridge known as our friendship. I’ll share more about it in future posts.

Jameson did a great job in choosing a nice cabin for us. When we were at the farmer’s market buying food for the cabin, he bought me some flowers and a vase and even arranged them while I made dinner later that night. He brought candles for the hot tub and even air freshener to elevate the living environment. He, clearly, made an effort to ensure that we had a nice stay. I appreciate that.

When it comes to the money, he covered everything except the “small contribution” I offered to make toward the food. I budgeted $30 for this contribution, but ended up going about $14 over budget. I took the extra funds from a different budget category to cover the shortfall.

Mr. Nice For Now

The weekend after the cabin stay was Mr. Nice For Now’s birthday. Due to some work obligations, he was shackled to his home office, so I went over to his house. He cooked a great meal for us. I surprised him with a card and a cake.

The following weekend, when he could go out, I took him to dinner. This was the first time, since we started seeing each other 9 months ago, that I’ve ever paid for a dinner date. Remember my position: if I’ve got to pay for dates, I’ll stop dating. My debt-free journey can’t support that. Debt-free journey or no, my personality and dating style don’t support that, either.

Of course, I gave Mr. Nice For Now the choice of the location for his birthday dinner date. He’s a steak man so I totally expected him to say that he wanted to go to Morton’s, Ruth’s Chris or the Capital Grill. To my utter delight, he told me that he wanted to have Ethiopian food because he hadn’t had it in about 20 years. What?! Ethiopian?! Yay! First of all, I love Ethiopian food and second of all, it’s a whole lot cheaper than any steakhouse. It was still a $100 dinner, but it was less than the alternative. Overall, I went $24.52 over budget for what I allocated for his birthday.

To my utter delight, he told me that he wanted to have Ethiopian food because he hadn’t had it in about 20 years. What?! Ethiopian?! Yay!

Mr. Nice for Now left for Asia a few days ago. He’ll be there from now until the end of the year (about 5 weeks). The night after we went out for his birthday, he took me to my favorite restaurant. Next month is my birthday, so he wanted to take me out before he left, since he won’t be in town when my birthday rolls around. A couple of days before he left, he got us a couples massage. It was his first time ever having one, despite the fact that he had been married. I was glad to be able to experience that with him.

He’s been sweet since he left, sending me update messages through What’s App. His time away will be a good opportunity for me to think through where I want this go and whether or not I want to continue the situationship. Really, it’s more about whether or not I want to continue it (I get really contemplative around the end of the year as I consider what I want to carry with me into the New Year and what I don’t). I’ve learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we’re not a match for anything long-term. We don’t have the level of chemistry that I would need from a man with whom I intend to spend the rest of my life. He has some amazing qualities, but our visions for our lives are not aligned. He’s okay with working at his job until he retires, not caring to progress and hoping to not rock the boat. That’s not consistent with how I want my life to be.

Hanging with Harvard

Once a month, I get together with my boy, Harvard. That’s his alma mater, so that’s how he got that name. For our monthly get together, we usually have dinner and drinks at the same restaurant in Midtown.

Interestingly, we don’t talk much in between our meetings. We just know that each month we can look forward to getting together to catch up. It usually starts with a run down of his love life. When we first met about 9 years ago (at an event for Ivy League alums), he was in a strained marriage. Shortly after that, he got divorced. Since then, he’s pursued a lifestyle of non-monogamy (yeah, I didn’t know that was a thing, either) and is living his best life. It has been interesting to see him doing him and being who and how he wants to be.

He also has an affinity for strippers and instathots. It’s funny because, as I’ve told him before, one would never guess by looking at his buttoned-up-looking self that he’s about that life.

He also has an affinity for strippers and instathots.

This month, we celebrated his birthday. So, though he always pays for our outings, this time I paid for it. Unfortunately, when I was doing the November budget, I forgot that his birthday meal would need to be handled this month. I messed up.

The Whole Foods Joker Gets Blasted

Whole Foods Joker is a guy that I met at . . . the Whole Foods Market. Apparently, he was on his way out of the store, walking across the parking lot, as I was walking in. It had just stopped raining so it was wet outside. As I walked in, not knowing that someone was watching me, I wiped the bottom of my shoes by doing a little twist dance kind of thing. Apparently, he thought that was cute – cute enough to come back into the store to talk to me and get my number.

In the weeks that followed, he called me and texted me a couple of times. He was very polite and gentlemanly in his communication. He told me that he wanted to take me out for lunch or dinner – whatever I wanted – and he would make whatever time he needed to make in order for us to get together.

Cool. We set up a date for a week later – Saturday at 2 p.m. I ask him where he wants to meet. He says, “We’ll communicate before then.” I respond that that’s okay with me.

So the whole week passes and I don’t hear anything from him. Saturday comes and goes and I still don’t hear anything from him. Now, one might ask why I didn’t just reach out to him to confirm the date and to ask again where we would meet. I don’t do that. That’s not my dating style. As a general rule, I don’t pursue men. As a very specific rule, I don’t take any significant steps to go out with or talk to a man with whom I’ve never been on a date. I definitely, definitely don’t confirm first dates.

Sunday passed with still no word from him. Then Monday rolls around and he calls. I was on another call at the time, so I sent a quick text stating that I’d call him back. In the meantime, he sends a text saying, “Hey pretty lady. We missed each other this past weekend. Hope all is well.”

What?! “Missed each other”?! No, mutherfucker, we didn’t miss each other. You said we would communicate so, at that point, you dictated what was going to happen and you didn’t make it happen. You didn’t communicate. We did not “miss” each other.

I’ve said this before. I really admire and respect men who do what they say they’re going to do. It doesn’t have to be to the point of perfection (because that’s not even possible), but you can’t totally blow it on a first date attempt – especially after you were basically begging to go out on said date. What I don’t respect is a man who doesn’t take ownership and, worse, tries to act as if I had something to do with the mishap.

What I don’t respect is a man who doesn’t take ownership and, worse, tries to act as if I had something to do with the mishap.

I had to set this joker straight. I didn’t hold back. It’s definitely not my place to reprimand a grown man, but I certainly can tell a man what is not acceptable to me, especially when he’s reaching out to me asking to spend time with me. If he had simply said that something crazy/unexpected had come up, I would have responded differently. It still wouldn’t have been acceptable to me, but I would have respected his approach more.

Of course, he was initially defensive and acted like what I was saying to him was out of line. He said I was lacking in compassion and was making a big deal out of something small. Let’s be clear: doing a no call, no show on this girl is a big deal. He initially stated that “something must have happened” to make him not, at least, reach out to me on Saturday. But, “I can’t think of what it was right now.”

Clown.

I continued to go in. When I flipped the scenario for him (i.e., if the tables were turned and I said blankety blank . . . ), laid out the facts about what he had said and how he acted, it finally clicked for him. He became profusely apologetic and finally admitted that he really “blew it.”

He asked for forgiveness and another chance – particularly a another chance at a first date. He said, “At this point, I’m begging. Let me make it up.” I reluctantly agreed.

Today, he’s offered to facilitate a spa visit in an attempt to make up for his foolishness. He asked me where I prefer to go, what services I prefer to get, and what day would be best for me. He said he’ll “take care of it.” We’ll see.

Plans With The Bulldozer

The Bulldozer is my friend who is flying me out to Las Vegas to hang out in December. He’s The Bulldozer because he doesn’t fuck around. He’s very God-fearing, has immense emotional intelligence, but commands respect and will not hesitate to tell anyone what they need to be told. The first time I saw him was at a conference. He was speaking on the stage and I thought, Jesus Christ, this guy is no joke. Later, he came up to a vendor booth that I was browsing. The vendor was selling books and I was perusing one of them. The Bulldozer then said, “I’ll buy you that book if you promise to email me after you’ve read it and tell me what you think of it.” I read the book and sent him my review of it. That was the beginning of our now 17-year, completely platonic, friendship.

The Bulldozer sent me the money for my airline ticket this month. While I normally want to fly at least business or comfort class (I know, I know – me and my preferences), he didn’t send enough for an elevated class seat. But, he sent significantly more than the amount of a regular coach class ticket. The old me would have added a little bit of money to what he sent and booked the higher class seat. The new me, however, bought the coach ticket and am praying for an automatic upgrade. Last year, I – by the skin of my teeth – earned status with an airline carrier. With that status, I get automatic upgrades if a seat is available in a higher class. Hence, I’m hoping for an upgrade. The extra $145.40 from the money he sent will be put towards food for the trip.

My friend is in the process of choosing the accommodations. Right now, it’s between the Bellagio or the Aria. We’ll either get 2 rooms side-by-side or a 2-bedroom suite. I’m excited to hang out with The Bulldozer. I truly value him as a friend.

A Note About Names

These names aren’t solely for the purpose of protecting the identities of people mentioned in this blog. I really use names like this for guys when talking to my girlfriends about men. The name is critical because it provides some quick memory-jogging context. Who’s the story about, again? Oh, yeah, that joker you met at Whole Foods. Hence, the name Mr. Whole Foods Joker. My girlfriends and I delight ourselves in some of the names that we’ve come up with for the guys in our respective circles. Here are some of the names for my dudes and my girlfriend’s dudes.

Pencil (which represented his allegedly short pencil-sized penis)
Repeat Performance (because the loving was so good to her the first time, she wanted it again)
Jerk Of The Year (you get it)
Motorcycle Boy
Young Tech (younger and in the technology field)
Ass Out (I walked outside of my condo one day and saw his naked ass with no pants on. Interesting story. Maybe I’ll write about it one day.)
Grandpa (he was hella old)
Admirer
Barber Boy

I know, it’s so silly. But, it’s fun.

Let Us Celebrate!

October 31, 2019 by tanya

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

We’ve come to the end of the month – and what a month it was. I paid off 5 debt obligations, including the top 3 listed on my September Tsunami Situation Report. I also paid off both of my Federal and State tax obligations for 2018 ($3,238 to the Feds and $2,819 to the State). See The Tsunami Situation – Tax Edition for details.

What I’ve read and heard from other people in the debt free community is that celebrating one’s wins along the journey is essential.

I’ve never been much of a celebrator. I operate more like this: I did it. It’s done. I’m moving on. I’ve been that way since I can remember. Even for my college graduation, I couldn’t be bothered to fully participate. There were two graduation ceremonies – one for my particular school of the university and another for the university, as a whole. As far as I know, most of my classmates attended both of the graduations. Once I got my degree in the first ceremony, I told my family that we were clear to go.

I’ve been the same way about my accomplishments since then. The professional licenses earned, the deals closed, and the jobs acquired often go unacclaimed. Once the goal has been reached, I don’t spend much time appreciating or basking in what I’ve done.

So the pay-off of a debt – especially a relatively little debt – isn’t something that I would have previously deemed to be celebration-worthy. It’s just not my style.

Howeva . . . this is a new day and I’m on a new journey. I’m willing to do whatever I need to do to stay on my path. My road to debt freedom is not likely to be a short one and, with that being the case, I will do what those who have succeeded in this have done to keep themselves motivated to continue.

Members of the debt-free community identify the celebration as a way of formally acknowledging the accomplishment of getting one step closer to the ultimate goal of debt freedom. It’s an opportunity to appreciate the choices and sacrifices that were made in order to crush that particular debt. Taking the time and energy to appreciate what you’ve done helps encourage one to continue onward and not give up. I can dig that. I really can.

That said, I’m officially converting to celebratorianism, that is, the practice of engaging in merriment and appreciation to commemorate a job well done. I’ve established a model for my festivities. After all, there will be 15 of them by the time I get to the end of my journey. I don’t want to be all willy nilly with my celebrations, lest I get out of hand in the name of rejoicing. Willy nilly freestyling is what got me into this mess in the first place.

For each debt paid, I will allow myself to celebrate by spending an amount of money equal to 1% of the outstanding balance of that debt as of July, 2019. The significance of the July, 2019 date is that that’s the month during which I got very serious about my commitment to pay off debt. The use of a percentage works well because it will allow for larger celebrations as I move along my list of debts. In other words, the celebrations will be commensurate with the debts paid.

I’m officially converting to celebratorianism.
~ Single Girl

For example, for the payoff of my 2015 IRS bill, I’ll be able to buy something or engage in some kind of activity that costs up to $17; for the pay off of my second student loan, I’ll allow myself up to $868.

You’ll find my Milestones and Rewards schedule below.

A word about the octopus: you’ll notice that one of my first rewards for the debts I paid off in October is the octopus app. I’m not referring to an app for a mobile device. I’m talking about the best octopus appetizer in all the land! I’m so excited! One of my favorite restaurants serves this Mediterranean-style octopus and I’ve been in love with it since I first had it. To celebrate what I did this month, I plan to get an octopus appetizer (maybe 2), along with this gin and hibiscus martini-style drink that that serve (which is also one of my faves). I haven’t been to this restaurant in several months and the last time I went, I didn’t pay for it. The time before that, I didn’t pay for it, either. So, this will be the first time in a while that I have gotten myself my lovely octopus appetizer. I’m so looking forward to it. I’m also fired up about going to the movies, eating popcorn and having a half blue raspberry, half cherry slushie.

When you’re making sacrifices and actually being intentional with your money, these “little” things are delightfully exciting.

How do you celebrate when you pay off a debt?

Low-Budget Ballin’ – Getaway Edition

October 27, 2019 by tanya

I’m staying in a nice little hotel suite this weekend.

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Each year for a weekend in October, I’ve been sent off from my condo to a hotel on someone else’s dime. I look forward to this staycation because I’m a girl who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES hotels – luxury hotels. What I love even more is that I don’t have to pay for the hotel stay.

My cousin graduated from a nearby college. My condo is walking distance from his alma mater, so he has me choose a hotel on the other end of town (we do that because it’s more reasonably priced) and pays for me to stay in it while he stays in my condo. This allows him to fully immerse himself in his homecoming weekend festivities and not have to worry about renting a car or dealing with traffic getting to and from the events. Plus, my place is located in a neighborhood that has several lounges, restaurants and cigar bars, so it’s a fun and popular area.

If I’m going to staycate, I’m going to do it in a place that is high-end enough to offer room service and other luxuries. As I told my cousin years ago, I will not be put out of my home to stay in a Comfort Inn or anything else in that class of hotel. He knows what’s up.

I used to be the queen of staycations. Queen. Once every 4 to 6 months or so, I’d get a room at a 4 or 5-star hotel in the city. It was my way of getting away without going away. Though I was less than 10 miles away from my home, the aim was to get out of my home environment – to break my normal routine. By being in a different space, I could focus my energy in another direction. If I stayed in my house, I’d be inclined to do little things around the house – clean up or sit at my desk and work. I haven’t had a television in my bedroom in 13 years, so being able to lay in bed and watch television is also a small treat that I appreciate.

For some of my staycations, the goal was to relax. Being at a 5-star hotel helps with that because a luxury hotel usually has a full spa with amenities like a swimming pool, sauna, steam room and hot tub. If you get a service – even the smallest of services – at the spa, you can stay and enjoy all of the spa amenities for the entire day. Once done, you have the convenience of going right up to your room.

Other staycations have purposes rooted in productivity. Several years ago, I designed a staycation model that had a two-fold aim: (1) to allow me to reflect on where I was in life and (2) to help me focus on where I wanted to go, moving forward. So, the first day of the staycation involved me actively journaling and reflecting on what I had done or not done over the prior few months. The second day focused on me dreaming and planning for the future. For a couple of these more purposeful staycations, I didn’t even turn on the television during my stay.

I learned how to get cheap 5-star stays by using the Priceline.com Hot Deals function. When you’re familiar with the 5-star hotels in your city and in what areas of town they are located (which I was because there aren’t that many of them), you can kinda guess which hotel is the subject of the deal. Believe it or not, by being flexible with my dates, I was able to get 5-star stays for just around $100 per night. It’s hard to get a Hampton Hotel room in any city for that price.

Though my staycations are now on hold during this debt-free journey, I still do and will stay in hotels occasionally – either for business or for getaways that will be financed by others. My approach to booking rooms these days is different and, instead of using Priceline Hot Deals, I stick with directly booking Marriott brand hotels (especially the ones that used to be under the Starwood umbrella). I’ve learned that by attaining a level of status through these loyalty programs, one’s experience can be enhanced. That’s the reason I ended up getting this nice suite. Through my status as a Marriott Bonvoy member, I get automatic upgrades if a better room is available. When I stayed in a hotel in a neighboring state to get sworn in at court to practice law in that state, I booked a regular room, but ended up in an amazing suite – slightly better than the one in which I’m staying now. I also usually get the benefit of gaining access to the member lounge areas, which provide for complimentary beverages, snacks and breakfast. By having access to these small amenities, I get both the benefit of money savings and convenience. Staying loyal can help with the budget.

I created a line item in my October budget for food associated with the staycation because I knew that I would be spending money on eating out. This time, the food piece was a little different for me because I’m being so deliberate about my spending. In years past, I would have delighted in going to whatever restaurant I wanted to go to, would have ordered whatever I wanted, and would have just paid for it. This time, I had a budget and was very mindful about the food choices I was making. I made choices that I thought I would enjoy; it just felt very good to go about the process in a way that demonstrated control and money management.

A Getaway to a Cabin

Next weekend, a guy friend of mine is taking me to a cabin. Truth be told, he’s really an ex boyfriend of mine. We’ve known each other since we were children. He had tried to get me to date him for several years and, because of the relationship between his family and mine, I was thoroughly uninterested. When I was in law school, however, I changed my mind and we finally started dating. We dated during the summer before my last year of school and for a little while after I graduated.

We broke up when he had an extended mantrum (i.e. a tantrum perpetuated by a “grown” man). I’ll have to share the details of that some time in the future. He blames the mantrum on his youth. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of the destruction of our romantic relationship. Despite a couple of attempts to resurrect it, the relationship just has never quite gone back in that direction since. Nonetheless, he’s a good guy and we’ve managed to have a solid friendship over these decades. He claims to not have had a girlfriend since me (and that was over 16 years ago because we dated in our twenties). He’s a good-looking and gentlemanly guy, so despite his unwillingness to enter into a relationship since then, he’s played in plenty of lady goodies.

We’ve been friends for way more years than we actually dated. It’s an interesting relationship. I step back from our friendship everytime I get into a romantic relationship because no man really wants an ex of his woman hanging around that closely. My friend knows this and I’m very transparent about my priorities. Again, I’ll have to talk more about this in a future post.

He framed the invitation as a work weekend. That was an exciting proposition for me because, as someone who works for herself, it is necessary to have those focused weekends that are dedicated to getting particular things done. Being able to do it in a relaxing and unusual environment will be a good thing.

When he asked me to go to the cabins with him, I confirmed with him that he’d want to be in that kind of environment with me, considering the current nature of our relationship.

“You sure you don’t want to go with someone where . . . you know . . . you know it’ll go down?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Why is that?” I’m a curious kind of gal.

“First of all, I just really enjoy spending time with you. Second, if I go to a cabin with another woman, she’ll be in love with me by the end of the weekend. You won’t.”

He’s right about that.

I’m really looking forward to going. It will be a chance to work in a very comfortable and relaxing environment. These cabins are well-appointed. The one in which we will be staying is a 2 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom unit with a hot tub, fire pit and pool table.

I told him – up front – when he made the invitation that I would only make a “small” contribution to the food. Everything else related to this adventure would be entirely on him. If not, I’m fine with staying home. To be fair, he’s not the kind of guy to invite me to such a thing and expect me to contribute anything. But, for some reason, I felt compelled to offer my mini contribution. When I’m feeling led by instinct, I try to follow. So, I’ll contribute a little something – a little something – to the groceries , but my major contribution will be in handling the meal planning and cooking. I’ll make sure that we eat well during the getaway.

A Super Las Vegas Trip

In December, a dear friend of mine is flying me out to Las Vegas to hang out with him. He lives 4,500 miles away and I have only seen him when he has either come to my city (even when I lived on the opposite coast) or when he has come to town within driving distance from me. Despite being able to count on my fingers the number of times I’ve seen him, he is one of my favorite people.

Being single is an advantage in these situations because I don’t have to reject opportunities on account of a significant other’s feelings.
~ Single Girl

Originally, Las Vegas was not the plan. I expected him to fly into a neighboring state; I was going to drive over there to visit with him and the family. A couple of conversations into the planning, he said, “Lemme just put you on a plane so you don’t have to drive.” Later, it became, “Well, hell, since it’s all about us hanging out, we can really hang out anywhere, as long as it is on my way to see my family and it isn’t in the cold.”

Soon, we were focused on trying to figure out the city in which we should meet. Houston? Dallas? We landed on Vegas because . . . it’s a fun city. He’s going to send me the money for the airline ticket so that I can book it myself and he’ll handle getting us the two hotel rooms (yes, we really are just friends and have always been just friends). This is another getaway to which I’m really looking forward. I get to hang out with my buddy and we always have a great time together.

Being single is an advantage in these situations because I don’t have to reject opportunities on account of a significant other’s feelings. Even though I’ve been seeing Mr. Nice For Now, neither of us have expressed a desire to be exclusive so how he might feel about my getaways is a non-factor. I’m grateful to be able to have these experiences, despite being on my debt free journey.