These Dudes (Dating)

The Power Of The Flip Out

December 13, 2019 by tanya

I first learned this lesson while dating in my 20s. When it comes to dealing with men, sometimes you have to flip the fuck out. I mean you must fully come out of your normally cool and calm demeanor and let your inner firecracker loose. You do it for two reasons: (1) to make a point about what you will not allow and (2) to demonstrate that, should the unallowable continue, you’ll have to walk away. The overarching message is that you’re willing to let him go – so much so – that you’ll communicate with him in a manner that he may not deem to be demure or attractive. And you don’t care what he thinks about it.

Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage?
Fuck your white horse and a carriage
~ Rihanna, Needed Me , Roc Nation, 2014

A few nights ago, I went out with Whole Foods Joker. Not only did he redeem himself by “making up” for his scheduling snafu by getting me a massage at a 5-star hotel spa (more on that in this month’s Manscape report), but he also took us to one of the finer dining establishments in the city for our first date.

During dinner, he did a whole lot more talking than I did. That’s part of my dating style. I pay attention and I listen well. Men will say a lot if a woman learns to be quiet and listen without judgment. Key words: “quiet” and “without judgment”. You can judge him in your mind, but the more you keep your mouth shut about it in the initial phases, the more you’ll get to learn about who he really is and what he thinks. Once you sprinkle on your judgement, you risk getting the censored, not as authentic version of him.

The conversation got particularly interesting when we recounted the discussion we had, where I pretty much went bananas on his ass. Remember? When he neglected to let me know where we were going to meet for our first scheduled date (effectively, a no-call, no-show), he tried to suggest that we missed each other. What he should have done was acknowledge that he had totally dropped the ball. Instead of being “nice” and conceding to what I knew wasn’t true, I told him that it was unacceptable for him to act as if I had something to do with us not getting together. I reminded him that he was the one who told me that we would communicate prior to the time of the date in order to establish the location. I told him that failing to follow through on a date, then not reaching out about it until 2 days after the scheduled date was behavior that was not at all in line with all of what he had been saying to me about how badly he wanted to go out with me and get to know me. I very plainly told him that these were the shenanigans of a teenager, not a middle-aged man. Not making a date or having to cancel a date is not an issue. I’m busy. People are busy. Things come up. I get that and I have no problem with that. But, failing to call or text or anything, then having the audacity to try to partially blame it on me is thoroughly intolerable.

By the end of the conversation, he came to his senses. He stopped being defensive and admitted that he “blew it.” He apologized profusely and asked for another chance. I agreed. Here’s the text message he sent when we got off the phone.

Hello pretty lady. Just wanted to thank you for your understanding and forgiveness. The way you took over was amazing and I loved it! I’m not making any predictions, but damn, I like your feisty, classy style!! Lol.
~ Text Message, Whole Foods Joker

At dinner, he shared some of the aftermath of that conversation. He said that when he got off the phone with me that day, he said to himself, “That was awesome! I gotta learn more about this chick.” Another word he used to describe it was “refreshing.” I asked him what about the exchange was refreshing. He said it was refreshing to him because people “don’t do that to him.”

“People don’t check me,” he explained. Having learned a bit about him by that time in the dinner, I made some inferences about him. Based on my experience with guys like him – men who are attractive, who appear to have some money, and who have confidence – he’s right, they don’t get “checked” very often. Many of them are accustomed to women being tolerant of whatever they do because of the women’s desire to potentially have a romantic relationship with them.

He was dead wrong in his behavior, he knew he was wrong, and I called him out on it. Even though he tried, at one point, to convince me that I was being rude in telling him about his behavior, he admitted at our dinner that I was firm, but reasonable in how I told him off.

This is not an unusual response. I’ve generally gotten positive responses from men when I’ve communicated to them that something they’ve done is unacceptable. Or, if I’ve affirmed a standard of treatment that I expect. One might think that a guy would get upset or totally turned off after being confronted about poor behavior. But, I’ve experienced the opposite.

Whole Foods isn’t the only guy who responded this way in the pre-dating or early dating stages – where the guy did something unacceptable like a no-call, no-show. When I was in my 20s, one guy and I had a date scheduled and he called a couple of hours after the scheduled time of date, acting as if nothing had happened. I proceeded to tell him that I don’t “tolerate that shit from anyone in my life.” He was a good-looking guy who happened to drive a $100,000 BMW and seemed to have no trouble attracting women. After my little spaz out, he was very apologetic, asking for another chance to get together. To make it up, he said, “Lemme take you shopping. Let me get you something.” I liked him and wanted to get to know him, so I let him schedule another date and “get me something.” We ended up dating for several months. He was a great guy and I enjoyed him. I still think very fondly of him.

Guys know when they’ve done something that was out of line, rude or thoughtless. Though they’ll, initially, act as if they did nothing wrong – or worse – try to make it seem like the mishap is the woman’s fault, they know deep down that they acted improperly. When a woman has the courage to stand behind her standards and require that a man either take ownership of his actions or leave her alone, the guy respects that. He appreciates being with a woman who isn’t a pushover – who isn’t so enamored with him that she has lost all sense of how she should be treated.

He appreciates being with a woman who isn’t a pushover – who isn’t so enamored with him that she has lost all sense of how she should be treated.
~ Single Girl

People appreciate boundaries. They may not like them, but they respect the person who has them and stands behind them. Men are no different when it comes to how they view a woman. This is one thing I know, from experience, to be true.

I also think I’m pretty good at the flip out. I’ve identified 3 key things about a flip out in order for it to be effective:

(1) It Must Be Rational

When I say “flip out,” I’m not referring to someone being unreasonable or outrageous. You can’t engage in uncontrollable rage-filled, nonsensical squealing. Instead, you must speak facts. “You said X; you did Y. I expected X because you said X, therefore . . . you done fucked up. And that doesn’t work for me.” The tone of the conversation needs to be somewhat matter-of-fact, even though you may be mad as hell. It cannot be about you just spewing comments about your feelings. You also can’t make sweeping generalizations suggesting that he “always” does or “never” does something. It also can’t become a game of name-calling, as if he’s some all around loser. The conversation needs to focus on this particular indiscretion and how his handling of this particular matter is not acceptable.

(2) It Can’t Be A Pattern

In other words, it can’t be that you spaz out all the time over everything. He must already believe you to, generally, be a level-headed, reasonable woman. If you fuss over every little misstatement or error he makes, your flip out will come across as your typical behavior and it won’t be noteworthy. You should be a delightful woman to be around . . . until you’re not.

(3) He Has to Be Attracted to You

I hate to say this, but it’s the truth. If he’s not that into you, your flip out will fall on deaf ears and he’ll view your behavior as just another reason for why he doesn’t really want you. The flip out works best with the man who wants you and is interested in somehow staying connected to you. If you’ve been pursuing this man (i.e., initiating calls and texts or asking him when you’ll see him, instead of waiting for him to ask you out), flipping out on him when he does something disrespectful will likely have the opposite of your desired effect. That’s why I didn’t reach out to Whole Foods Joker when he missed our original date. I waited until he reached out to me a couple of days later – a time when he was seeking out my attention and conversation. If I had called him that Saturday (the day of our scheduled date) to express my disappointment, he probably would have been less receptive to what I was saying because he wasn’t in active pursuit of me at that time. He also admitted at our dinner that one reason he continued to pursue me was that he was really attracted to me and didn’t want to lose the opportunity to get to know me. If a man has only a lukewarm level of interest in you and you reach out to him when he’s not pursuing you, establishing boundaries is useless.

The bottom line is this: the flip out resets people’s boundaries of who they believe you are. It lets them know that, despite what they think they know about you, you can and will become ferocious if need be. Disrespect will not be tolerated.

When was your last flip out? And what was the result?

4 Things For Which ALL Single Girls Should Be Grateful

November 29, 2019 by tanya

There’s so much for which I’m grateful. I woke up today with all of my senses and all of my appendages intact. Some people didn’t. I’m pain-free and healthy (despite the demon fibroids in my uterus); not everyone can say the same. I have amazing relationships with my immediate family. Some people don’t. I laid awake in a comfortable bed, in a home that is well-appointed, that has heat, electricity, and water. Some people didn’t have that same experience this morning. I have reliable transportation in which I feel safe and that no one is threatening to repossess. Some people are stressed every day over how they will get from place to place. I am able to make a living that is well above the poverty line. Though the poverty line is a very low bar, some folks can’t seem to get beyond it. While I’m not at all near where I’d like and plan to be in my life, there’s a lot in my life that is good and that I cannot take for granted.

Another aspect of my life that I appreciate is that I am a single woman. While there are both benefits and drawbacks to this status, for as long as I am single, I intend to focus on all that is great about being in this position. A single woman has unique opportunities that her married counterparts simply don’t have – opportunities for which all single girls should be very grateful. Check out the list below.

(1) Freedom

A single woman has the freedom to go, be and do as she wishes. She can, literally, be wherever she physically wants to be. Don’t like your current city? Relocate. Don’t like your current job? Get a different one. One might say, “Well, it’s not that easy.” I didn’t say it was easy; what I’m saying is that it can be done.

Those without children have an immense amount of liberty. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you must stay somewhere or do something that you don’t want to do. Regardless of the critical role that you play at your job or in your civic organizations – you have freedom. If someone could take Steve Jobs’ role at Apple, you, too, can be replaced.

I have a friend who, for years, wouldn’t leave her hometown because of the role (a volunteer role!) that she played at her church. She felt that the church organization wouldn’t be able to function in her absence. I’m a straight-shooter so I told her the truth. “You’re not that important. Trust me. If you want to move to another city, do it. They’ll be fine without you.” To her surprise, the church continued to operate and thrive in her absence, while she enjoyed the benefit of actually pursuing her own goals. For years, she Jedi mind tricked her own damn self into thinking that she didn’t have the flexibility to do what was best for her.

When it comes to dating, single girls have the chance to explore. The opportunities are endless. You can date various people (whatever kinds of people you’re into). You can have the sexual experiences you want to have and no one say nary a word regarding what you do. (Caveat: if you’re all up in these streets acting thoterrific, risking your physical and mental health, don’t be surprised if someone who loves you has something to say about it.) You can gain tremendous knowledge from the various experiences you have – learning more about what you want and don’t want out of mate.

(2) Choice

A single woman can make choices for herself without having to consider the desires of another adult person. Really. You can choose how you want to handle every single area of your life – your physical location, how you make money, how you’ll spend money, where you’ll vacation . . . everything! As long as it doesn’t hurt someone else (and, as long as you focus on yourself, few decisions should fall into this category), a single lady has unmitigated latitude to do as she wishes.

Everybody’s talkin’ all this stuff about me
Why don’t they just let me live
I don’t need permission to
Make my own decisions
That’s my prerogative
~ Bobby Brown, “My Prerogative,” Don’t Be Cruel

Even single girls with children have, at least, some level of flexibility. You’re the adult in your family situation, so you run the show. You only have to consider the desires of another adult person to the extent that it impacts your children and their relationship with their father (or their bonus mom, if you co-parent with another woman). But, there’s a lot in your life over which you still have control.

(3) Time

A single woman’s primary obligation is to herself and, if she is a mother, her children. Without having to be obligated to take care of a mate, a single girl can focus on herself. She can take the time she needs to figure out the direction in which she wants to go with her life. She can spend the time she needs to develop her interests and pursuing her goals.

Your time is your own. You don’t have to abide by or be cognizant of anyone else’s calendar other than your own. If you don’t have kids, there’s no running around the city from soccer to dance to piano lessons. If you want to spend a whole day at the movies, you can. If you want to spend an entire weekend at a silent retreat center, you can. There’s also no having to check in with someone else to let them know that you will be home late. I love, love, love that I can take some time to myself without that hurting someone else’s feelings or them feeling like my desire to be alone has something to do with them.

I think we (myself included) get so used to our habits and the things we usually do, that we forget that there’s a lot we don’t have to do. When we choose to over commit ourselves to the projects and objectives of others, that our own fault.

(4) Hope

Assuming that you want to have a mate, be grateful that you still have the chance to find a great one. Being single, you could literally, meet the love of your life tomorrow. Regardless of the relationship and dating experiences you’ve had in the past, your future is still full of opportunity. That’s not quite the case for your girlfriend who was so eager to be married that she married a clown who doesn’t treat her well. Or, the one who posts the #relationshipgoals photos on Facebook, all the while pretending that her husband isn’t having an affair. Of course, some people have amazing marriages. But, a lot of people don’t. Delight in the fact that you’re not one of those women in a bad one. An unmarried woman is still in the position to the perfect fit.

If you were lamenting your single status this holiday, don’t. Count your blessings and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

The Manscape – November 2019

November 27, 2019 by tanya

Ahhhh, these dudes.

Work Weekend With Jameson

The month started off with the weekend cabin trip that I mentioned in my Low Budget Ballin’ post. Jameson is a long-time friend. He invited me to do a “work weekend” at a beautiful lake cabin about an hour and a half north of the city. He’s got a big project on which he’s been working. I always have plenty that I need to do. So, he combined my love of a getaway with my desire to get things done.

Before agreeing to accompany him, I asked him if he was sure, sure, sure that he didn’t want to go with someone who he knew would be interested in having a romantic experience with him. He assured me that I was his choice.

We’ve known each other since we were children. He’s had a crush on the girl since then. He says that my little just-starting-to-develop boobs were the first ones he ever saw. We were playing a game of Chutes and Ladders and, when I leaned across the board to move my piece, he got a quick peek down my shirt. He and other members of his family were around my family beginning decades ago. As we became young adults (i.e., when we were engaged in our respective college careers), he became more clear and direct about his desire to have a romantic relationship. I finally decided to give us a chance when I was in law school.

Out of the approximately 34 years that we’ve known each other, we officially dated for about 1. He says he hasn’t had a girlfriend since me. (Shrug). Though we speak regularly, we had the opportunity, while at the cabin, to have some really in-depth, honest conversations. I think we both find the conversations to be very enlightening.

Why is his name “Jameson”? This man drinks excessively. He likes whiskey, so Jameson is an appropriate name. It’s to the point where, while under the influence, he’s done some things about which he’s incredibly ashamed. His drunken activities have severely impacted, if not totally destroyed, any possibility of me ever being willing to get back together with him. Though he has some qualities that I really admire, appreciate and love about him, there are a few other qualities that make a reconciliation highly unlikely.

Nonetheless, Jameson and I are still friends. Though he has stated at the cabin that he wants to get back together, he recognizes that I’m not interested in that. He’s made it clear that, whether with him or not, he wants me to be happy and wants to make sure that we maintain a friendship.

There’s a lot of water under the bridge known as our friendship. I’ll share more about it in future posts.

Jameson did a great job in choosing a nice cabin for us. When we were at the farmer’s market buying food for the cabin, he bought me some flowers and a vase and even arranged them while I made dinner later that night. He brought candles for the hot tub and even air freshener to elevate the living environment. He, clearly, made an effort to ensure that we had a nice stay. I appreciate that.

When it comes to the money, he covered everything except the “small contribution” I offered to make toward the food. I budgeted $30 for this contribution, but ended up going about $14 over budget. I took the extra funds from a different budget category to cover the shortfall.

Mr. Nice For Now

The weekend after the cabin stay was Mr. Nice For Now’s birthday. Due to some work obligations, he was shackled to his home office, so I went over to his house. He cooked a great meal for us. I surprised him with a card and a cake.

The following weekend, when he could go out, I took him to dinner. This was the first time, since we started seeing each other 9 months ago, that I’ve ever paid for a dinner date. Remember my position: if I’ve got to pay for dates, I’ll stop dating. My debt-free journey can’t support that. Debt-free journey or no, my personality and dating style don’t support that, either.

Of course, I gave Mr. Nice For Now the choice of the location for his birthday dinner date. He’s a steak man so I totally expected him to say that he wanted to go to Morton’s, Ruth’s Chris or the Capital Grill. To my utter delight, he told me that he wanted to have Ethiopian food because he hadn’t had it in about 20 years. What?! Ethiopian?! Yay! First of all, I love Ethiopian food and second of all, it’s a whole lot cheaper than any steakhouse. It was still a $100 dinner, but it was less than the alternative. Overall, I went $24.52 over budget for what I allocated for his birthday.

To my utter delight, he told me that he wanted to have Ethiopian food because he hadn’t had it in about 20 years. What?! Ethiopian?! Yay!

Mr. Nice for Now left for Asia a few days ago. He’ll be there from now until the end of the year (about 5 weeks). The night after we went out for his birthday, he took me to my favorite restaurant. Next month is my birthday, so he wanted to take me out before he left, since he won’t be in town when my birthday rolls around. A couple of days before he left, he got us a couples massage. It was his first time ever having one, despite the fact that he had been married. I was glad to be able to experience that with him.

He’s been sweet since he left, sending me update messages through What’s App. His time away will be a good opportunity for me to think through where I want this go and whether or not I want to continue the situationship. Really, it’s more about whether or not I want to continue it (I get really contemplative around the end of the year as I consider what I want to carry with me into the New Year and what I don’t). I’ve learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we’re not a match for anything long-term. We don’t have the level of chemistry that I would need from a man with whom I intend to spend the rest of my life. He has some amazing qualities, but our visions for our lives are not aligned. He’s okay with working at his job until he retires, not caring to progress and hoping to not rock the boat. That’s not consistent with how I want my life to be.

Hanging with Harvard

Once a month, I get together with my boy, Harvard. That’s his alma mater, so that’s how he got that name. For our monthly get together, we usually have dinner and drinks at the same restaurant in Midtown.

Interestingly, we don’t talk much in between our meetings. We just know that each month we can look forward to getting together to catch up. It usually starts with a run down of his love life. When we first met about 9 years ago (at an event for Ivy League alums), he was in a strained marriage. Shortly after that, he got divorced. Since then, he’s pursued a lifestyle of non-monogamy (yeah, I didn’t know that was a thing, either) and is living his best life. It has been interesting to see him doing him and being who and how he wants to be.

He also has an affinity for strippers and instathots. It’s funny because, as I’ve told him before, one would never guess by looking at his buttoned-up-looking self that he’s about that life.

He also has an affinity for strippers and instathots.

This month, we celebrated his birthday. So, though he always pays for our outings, this time I paid for it. Unfortunately, when I was doing the November budget, I forgot that his birthday meal would need to be handled this month. I messed up.

The Whole Foods Joker Gets Blasted

Whole Foods Joker is a guy that I met at . . . the Whole Foods Market. Apparently, he was on his way out of the store, walking across the parking lot, as I was walking in. It had just stopped raining so it was wet outside. As I walked in, not knowing that someone was watching me, I wiped the bottom of my shoes by doing a little twist dance kind of thing. Apparently, he thought that was cute – cute enough to come back into the store to talk to me and get my number.

In the weeks that followed, he called me and texted me a couple of times. He was very polite and gentlemanly in his communication. He told me that he wanted to take me out for lunch or dinner – whatever I wanted – and he would make whatever time he needed to make in order for us to get together.

Cool. We set up a date for a week later – Saturday at 2 p.m. I ask him where he wants to meet. He says, “We’ll communicate before then.” I respond that that’s okay with me.

So the whole week passes and I don’t hear anything from him. Saturday comes and goes and I still don’t hear anything from him. Now, one might ask why I didn’t just reach out to him to confirm the date and to ask again where we would meet. I don’t do that. That’s not my dating style. As a general rule, I don’t pursue men. As a very specific rule, I don’t take any significant steps to go out with or talk to a man with whom I’ve never been on a date. I definitely, definitely don’t confirm first dates.

Sunday passed with still no word from him. Then Monday rolls around and he calls. I was on another call at the time, so I sent a quick text stating that I’d call him back. In the meantime, he sends a text saying, “Hey pretty lady. We missed each other this past weekend. Hope all is well.”

What?! “Missed each other”?! No, mutherfucker, we didn’t miss each other. You said we would communicate so, at that point, you dictated what was going to happen and you didn’t make it happen. You didn’t communicate. We did not “miss” each other.

I’ve said this before. I really admire and respect men who do what they say they’re going to do. It doesn’t have to be to the point of perfection (because that’s not even possible), but you can’t totally blow it on a first date attempt – especially after you were basically begging to go out on said date. What I don’t respect is a man who doesn’t take ownership and, worse, tries to act as if I had something to do with the mishap.

What I don’t respect is a man who doesn’t take ownership and, worse, tries to act as if I had something to do with the mishap.

I had to set this joker straight. I didn’t hold back. It’s definitely not my place to reprimand a grown man, but I certainly can tell a man what is not acceptable to me, especially when he’s reaching out to me asking to spend time with me. If he had simply said that something crazy/unexpected had come up, I would have responded differently. It still wouldn’t have been acceptable to me, but I would have respected his approach more.

Of course, he was initially defensive and acted like what I was saying to him was out of line. He said I was lacking in compassion and was making a big deal out of something small. Let’s be clear: doing a no call, no show on this girl is a big deal. He initially stated that “something must have happened” to make him not, at least, reach out to me on Saturday. But, “I can’t think of what it was right now.”

Clown.

I continued to go in. When I flipped the scenario for him (i.e., if the tables were turned and I said blankety blank . . . ), laid out the facts about what he had said and how he acted, it finally clicked for him. He became profusely apologetic and finally admitted that he really “blew it.”

He asked for forgiveness and another chance – particularly a another chance at a first date. He said, “At this point, I’m begging. Let me make it up.” I reluctantly agreed.

Today, he’s offered to facilitate a spa visit in an attempt to make up for his foolishness. He asked me where I prefer to go, what services I prefer to get, and what day would be best for me. He said he’ll “take care of it.” We’ll see.

Plans With The Bulldozer

The Bulldozer is my friend who is flying me out to Las Vegas to hang out in December. He’s The Bulldozer because he doesn’t fuck around. He’s very God-fearing, has immense emotional intelligence, but commands respect and will not hesitate to tell anyone what they need to be told. The first time I saw him was at a conference. He was speaking on the stage and I thought, Jesus Christ, this guy is no joke. Later, he came up to a vendor booth that I was browsing. The vendor was selling books and I was perusing one of them. The Bulldozer then said, “I’ll buy you that book if you promise to email me after you’ve read it and tell me what you think of it.” I read the book and sent him my review of it. That was the beginning of our now 17-year, completely platonic, friendship.

The Bulldozer sent me the money for my airline ticket this month. While I normally want to fly at least business or comfort class (I know, I know – me and my preferences), he didn’t send enough for an elevated class seat. But, he sent significantly more than the amount of a regular coach class ticket. The old me would have added a little bit of money to what he sent and booked the higher class seat. The new me, however, bought the coach ticket and am praying for an automatic upgrade. Last year, I – by the skin of my teeth – earned status with an airline carrier. With that status, I get automatic upgrades if a seat is available in a higher class. Hence, I’m hoping for an upgrade. The extra $145.40 from the money he sent will be put towards food for the trip.

My friend is in the process of choosing the accommodations. Right now, it’s between the Bellagio or the Aria. We’ll either get 2 rooms side-by-side or a 2-bedroom suite. I’m excited to hang out with The Bulldozer. I truly value him as a friend.

A Note About Names

These names aren’t solely for the purpose of protecting the identities of people mentioned in this blog. I really use names like this for guys when talking to my girlfriends about men. The name is critical because it provides some quick memory-jogging context. Who’s the story about, again? Oh, yeah, that joker you met at Whole Foods. Hence, the name Mr. Whole Foods Joker. My girlfriends and I delight ourselves in some of the names that we’ve come up with for the guys in our respective circles. Here are some of the names for my dudes and my girlfriend’s dudes.

Pencil (which represented his allegedly short pencil-sized penis)
Repeat Performance (because the loving was so good to her the first time, she wanted it again)
Jerk Of The Year (you get it)
Motorcycle Boy
Young Tech (younger and in the technology field)
Ass Out (I walked outside of my condo one day and saw his naked ass with no pants on. Interesting story. Maybe I’ll write about it one day.)
Grandpa (he was hella old)
Admirer
Barber Boy

I know, it’s so silly. But, it’s fun.

So Not Sexy Side Hustle

November 13, 2019 by tanya

A few months ago, an older gentleman who is a fellow real estate agent at my broker’s office asked me if he could connect me with his son whom he needed “to get married off.” He asked me for my card. I gave it to him. I thought nothing else of it.

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Later that week, I received a call from “the son.” He asked me if I knew who he was. I didn’t. I just knew him as the son of the real estate agent guy. As it turns out, the son was a man who had tried to get me to go out with him before. Somehow, we were Facebook friends and had communicated via Facebook Messenger periodically over the years. Whenever he asked me out, I was either in a relationship or just wasn’t interested. This time, influenced by my colleague’s relationship to the man, I finally agreed to go out with him.

We had lunch at a hip little Mexican place in a popular development in Midtown. I really pay attention to people and I’m a great listener. By the end of the date, I knew a whole lot more about this guy than he did about me. I let him ramble on and on (he was the most ramblin’ ass dude I’ve been out with in a while), made appropriate comments, and asked sensible questions. He told me about himself, his kids, his job and even about his father (like the fact that his father had murdered someone, served time in prison and was later pardoned).

I’m not suggesting that people be dishonest when first meeting a potential romantic partner; I’m suggesting that folks not lead with their shit.
~ Single Girl

In conversations that we had during the date and afterwards, he mentioned more than once his challenges with not making much money. He’s a professor at a local university and, apparently, it isn’t particularly lucrative. In a post-date conversation – one in which I eventually told him that I didn’t think we were a good fit – he reiterated that he doesn’t make much money. It got to the point where I said to him, “You’ve mentioned a few times that money is a challenge. Are you in the position to be dating right now?” His response was . . . interesting.

“Well, you know,” he said, “I do things on the side . . . I donate plasma ‘n’ stuff.”

[Record scratch.]

Plasma?! I’ve never had someone say out of their mouth to me that plasma donation was their side hustle. On the one hand, I was curious about how much it pays. On the other hand, I used his statement as confirmation of his deficient ass dating skills. He didn’t even realize that he shouldn’t have mentioned the plasma-donating proclivity to a girl he just met.

The reason he shouldn’t have mentioned his proneness to plasma is for the same reason that no one should remark upon their various issues too early on in a dating situation. Of course, we all have issues. Every grown up knows that. It is rarely a good dating approach, however, to put all of one’s issues on the table right away. We should parse out those not so sexy parts of us; there’s no need to overwhelm someone with them prematurely. I’m not suggesting that people be dishonest when first meeting a potential romantic partner; I’m suggesting that folks not lead with their shit.

In our one date and subsequent conversations, this guy had already demonstrated other qualities that I didn’t like. He spoke incessantly (that’s how we left the date with him having learned almost nothing about me and me learning a lot about him) and he asked questions that demonstrated an unusual need for reassurance. He also rudely interrupted (and he admitted that this is a bad habit of his) the relatively few sentences I spoke in conversation with him. So his mention of the plasma donation side hustle just added to the list of reasons that I didn’t think very highly of him. It’s not the fact that he donates plasma. It’s that it’s not a sexy side hustle and he brought it up before I got a chance to learn about the good things about him – the things that I might actually like. When you meet someone and get the chance to experience the qualities that you appreciate, when you later learn things about them that aren’t as attractive, those unattractive qualities can be balanced or tempered against all that you’ve learned to like about the person.

Let’s not act like some side hustles aren’t sexier than others. Here’s some quick comparisons to consider:

“I trade ForEx on the side.” vs. “I deliver for Jersey Mike’s.”

“I prepare tax returns.” vs. “I have a GoFundMe page.”

“I do math tutoring via Zoom.” vs. “I recharge electric scooters.”

“I do personal chef services for busy families in my neighborhood.” vs. “I’m a stripper.’” (It would seem that the stripper one would be sexy but, interestingly, many of us don’t mind watching strippers, but would prefer to not date one.)

“I manage social media for small businesses.” vs. “I donate plasma.”

It seems that it’s usually the side hustles that require skills or have the potential to produce higher-than-average income that have greater appeal. But that’s an aside.

I’m sure there are a bunch of guys around here donating sperm, blood and plasma for money. Women, likewise, are offering their bodily fluids, eggs and whole uteruses for dollars. And let’s not act like people aren’t out here, literally, selling sex. To be clear: I’m not knocking anybody’s hustle. I’m merely suggesting that – for someone who is dating – a little bit of discretion be exercised in communicating about those not so sexy side hustles.

When you’ve gotten to know your significant other, it’s not a big deal if they pass gas or burp in your presence. If they did that on the first or second date, however, you wouldn’t think it was cool. You’d think it was rude and you’d be unimpressed that they didn’t exercise more courtesy with you.

Paying an electric bill for your girlfriend is a non-issue when you’ve developed a relationship with her. Were she to ask you to pay one of her bills on a first, second or third date you’d be thoroughly turned off. (If you’re saying to yourself, “Where they do that at?” let me assure you that I’ve heard several men in this city complain of the forwardness of women with whom they’ve gone on dates. As odd a request that is to me, apparently, it’s not that unusual.)

Having the person you like tell you that they have herpes would likely be more palatable after you’ve had a few dates versus learning about that at the beginning, before you’ve even had the chance to see if you’re into them.

In each scenario, we’re dealing with the same action, just executed at a different time. And timing does matter.

I’m not making a commentary on bodily functions, venereal diseases or bills needed to be paid. I’m strictly talking about what is sexy and what is not. While sexiness is, obviously, is in the eye of the beholder, I think it is fair to say that some shit is universally not sexy.

I don’t care what anyone says; there’s nothing sexy about a man talking about how he’s so broke that he needs to (not used to, but continues to) donate plasma – as a middle aged man. There’s nothing sexy about any one – man or woman – being broke as an adult. Period. But many of us are broke and in debt – including me – and I have enough dating IQ to know not to lead with my six figures of student loan debt and the back taxes that I owe. There’s more to me than my debt. And, this debt is temporary. I have other amazing qualities that I can present first.

Does this mean that I’d hide it or flat out lie if asked directly about it? No, I wouldn’t. I’m just going to first focus on learning about the other person and letting them get to know about me. Do we even like being around each other? Do we have high-quality conversations? Do we appreciate each other’s energy? Do we have any chemistry? If these factors don’t exist, we won’t even need to bother getting to the point of learning about the negative stuff.

The bottom line is that if the hustle is an honest one, there should be no stigma or judgment attached to it. Intellectually, I don’t think there should ever be shame in the making a bona fide living. But, there’s a difference between what should be and what actually is. And the reality is that I have the right to not be turned on by how you make your money and someone could opt to feel the same about me.

Fundamentally, what matters most to me when evaluating a potential mate (from a financial perspective) are his philosophies on money, his work ethic and what his overall vision for his life is. Yet . . . let me be real. . . will I, at this age, seriously date a broke man? It’s unlikely. Broke doesn’t turn me on. Chris Rock said it the best in Kill The Messenger:

. . . When it comes to women and money . . . nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There is something about a woman reaching for her wallet that just dries up the vagina. It’s almost like the wallet is sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy of getting wet for.
~ Chris Rock, Kill the Messenger

Mr. Plasma was both basic and broke. He didn’t have a chance.

Low-Budget Ballin’ – Getaway Edition

October 27, 2019 by tanya

I’m staying in a nice little hotel suite this weekend.

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Each year for a weekend in October, I’ve been sent off from my condo to a hotel on someone else’s dime. I look forward to this staycation because I’m a girl who LOVES, LOVES, LOVES hotels – luxury hotels. What I love even more is that I don’t have to pay for the hotel stay.

My cousin graduated from a nearby college. My condo is walking distance from his alma mater, so he has me choose a hotel on the other end of town (we do that because it’s more reasonably priced) and pays for me to stay in it while he stays in my condo. This allows him to fully immerse himself in his homecoming weekend festivities and not have to worry about renting a car or dealing with traffic getting to and from the events. Plus, my place is located in a neighborhood that has several lounges, restaurants and cigar bars, so it’s a fun and popular area.

If I’m going to staycate, I’m going to do it in a place that is high-end enough to offer room service and other luxuries. As I told my cousin years ago, I will not be put out of my home to stay in a Comfort Inn or anything else in that class of hotel. He knows what’s up.

I used to be the queen of staycations. Queen. Once every 4 to 6 months or so, I’d get a room at a 4 or 5-star hotel in the city. It was my way of getting away without going away. Though I was less than 10 miles away from my home, the aim was to get out of my home environment – to break my normal routine. By being in a different space, I could focus my energy in another direction. If I stayed in my house, I’d be inclined to do little things around the house – clean up or sit at my desk and work. I haven’t had a television in my bedroom in 13 years, so being able to lay in bed and watch television is also a small treat that I appreciate.

For some of my staycations, the goal was to relax. Being at a 5-star hotel helps with that because a luxury hotel usually has a full spa with amenities like a swimming pool, sauna, steam room and hot tub. If you get a service – even the smallest of services – at the spa, you can stay and enjoy all of the spa amenities for the entire day. Once done, you have the convenience of going right up to your room.

Other staycations have purposes rooted in productivity. Several years ago, I designed a staycation model that had a two-fold aim: (1) to allow me to reflect on where I was in life and (2) to help me focus on where I wanted to go, moving forward. So, the first day of the staycation involved me actively journaling and reflecting on what I had done or not done over the prior few months. The second day focused on me dreaming and planning for the future. For a couple of these more purposeful staycations, I didn’t even turn on the television during my stay.

I learned how to get cheap 5-star stays by using the Priceline.com Hot Deals function. When you’re familiar with the 5-star hotels in your city and in what areas of town they are located (which I was because there aren’t that many of them), you can kinda guess which hotel is the subject of the deal. Believe it or not, by being flexible with my dates, I was able to get 5-star stays for just around $100 per night. It’s hard to get a Hampton Hotel room in any city for that price.

Though my staycations are now on hold during this debt-free journey, I still do and will stay in hotels occasionally – either for business or for getaways that will be financed by others. My approach to booking rooms these days is different and, instead of using Priceline Hot Deals, I stick with directly booking Marriott brand hotels (especially the ones that used to be under the Starwood umbrella). I’ve learned that by attaining a level of status through these loyalty programs, one’s experience can be enhanced. That’s the reason I ended up getting this nice suite. Through my status as a Marriott Bonvoy member, I get automatic upgrades if a better room is available. When I stayed in a hotel in a neighboring state to get sworn in at court to practice law in that state, I booked a regular room, but ended up in an amazing suite – slightly better than the one in which I’m staying now. I also usually get the benefit of gaining access to the member lounge areas, which provide for complimentary beverages, snacks and breakfast. By having access to these small amenities, I get both the benefit of money savings and convenience. Staying loyal can help with the budget.

I created a line item in my October budget for food associated with the staycation because I knew that I would be spending money on eating out. This time, the food piece was a little different for me because I’m being so deliberate about my spending. In years past, I would have delighted in going to whatever restaurant I wanted to go to, would have ordered whatever I wanted, and would have just paid for it. This time, I had a budget and was very mindful about the food choices I was making. I made choices that I thought I would enjoy; it just felt very good to go about the process in a way that demonstrated control and money management.

A Getaway to a Cabin

Next weekend, a guy friend of mine is taking me to a cabin. Truth be told, he’s really an ex boyfriend of mine. We’ve known each other since we were children. He had tried to get me to date him for several years and, because of the relationship between his family and mine, I was thoroughly uninterested. When I was in law school, however, I changed my mind and we finally started dating. We dated during the summer before my last year of school and for a little while after I graduated.

We broke up when he had an extended mantrum (i.e. a tantrum perpetuated by a “grown” man). I’ll have to share the details of that some time in the future. He blames the mantrum on his youth. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of the destruction of our romantic relationship. Despite a couple of attempts to resurrect it, the relationship just has never quite gone back in that direction since. Nonetheless, he’s a good guy and we’ve managed to have a solid friendship over these decades. He claims to not have had a girlfriend since me (and that was over 16 years ago because we dated in our twenties). He’s a good-looking and gentlemanly guy, so despite his unwillingness to enter into a relationship since then, he’s played in plenty of lady goodies.

We’ve been friends for way more years than we actually dated. It’s an interesting relationship. I step back from our friendship everytime I get into a romantic relationship because no man really wants an ex of his woman hanging around that closely. My friend knows this and I’m very transparent about my priorities. Again, I’ll have to talk more about this in a future post.

He framed the invitation as a work weekend. That was an exciting proposition for me because, as someone who works for herself, it is necessary to have those focused weekends that are dedicated to getting particular things done. Being able to do it in a relaxing and unusual environment will be a good thing.

When he asked me to go to the cabins with him, I confirmed with him that he’d want to be in that kind of environment with me, considering the current nature of our relationship.

“You sure you don’t want to go with someone where . . . you know . . . you know it’ll go down?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Why is that?” I’m a curious kind of gal.

“First of all, I just really enjoy spending time with you. Second, if I go to a cabin with another woman, she’ll be in love with me by the end of the weekend. You won’t.”

He’s right about that.

I’m really looking forward to going. It will be a chance to work in a very comfortable and relaxing environment. These cabins are well-appointed. The one in which we will be staying is a 2 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom unit with a hot tub, fire pit and pool table.

I told him – up front – when he made the invitation that I would only make a “small” contribution to the food. Everything else related to this adventure would be entirely on him. If not, I’m fine with staying home. To be fair, he’s not the kind of guy to invite me to such a thing and expect me to contribute anything. But, for some reason, I felt compelled to offer my mini contribution. When I’m feeling led by instinct, I try to follow. So, I’ll contribute a little something – a little something – to the groceries , but my major contribution will be in handling the meal planning and cooking. I’ll make sure that we eat well during the getaway.

A Super Las Vegas Trip

In December, a dear friend of mine is flying me out to Las Vegas to hang out with him. He lives 4,500 miles away and I have only seen him when he has either come to my city (even when I lived on the opposite coast) or when he has come to town within driving distance from me. Despite being able to count on my fingers the number of times I’ve seen him, he is one of my favorite people.

Being single is an advantage in these situations because I don’t have to reject opportunities on account of a significant other’s feelings.
~ Single Girl

Originally, Las Vegas was not the plan. I expected him to fly into a neighboring state; I was going to drive over there to visit with him and the family. A couple of conversations into the planning, he said, “Lemme just put you on a plane so you don’t have to drive.” Later, it became, “Well, hell, since it’s all about us hanging out, we can really hang out anywhere, as long as it is on my way to see my family and it isn’t in the cold.”

Soon, we were focused on trying to figure out the city in which we should meet. Houston? Dallas? We landed on Vegas because . . . it’s a fun city. He’s going to send me the money for the airline ticket so that I can book it myself and he’ll handle getting us the two hotel rooms (yes, we really are just friends and have always been just friends). This is another getaway to which I’m really looking forward. I get to hang out with my buddy and we always have a great time together.

Being single is an advantage in these situations because I don’t have to reject opportunities on account of a significant other’s feelings. Even though I’ve been seeing Mr. Nice For Now, neither of us have expressed a desire to be exclusive so how he might feel about my getaways is a non-factor. I’m grateful to be able to have these experiences, despite being on my debt free journey.

The Manscape

September 15, 2019 by tanya

Though fiscal responsibility and debt repayment are my main focus right now, those aren’t the only parts of my life. I am still a single girl – a single girl who doesn’t intend to remain unattached forever. My last relationship, technically, ended in February of 2017, but I haven’t seen that joker since December of 2016. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up. I feel no type of way about it. He was a wonderful man in many ways and a complete nightmare in some others. Nonetheless, I believe I’m better for having been in that relationship. My hope is that he feels the same way.

Audio version of this blog post, read by the author.

The Gift of Indifference

Now I find myself in a unique position. I really don’t care about being in a relationship. Let me keep it all the way real: I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I’ve been feeling this way for about a year. This doesn’t come from an “I don’t need no man” kind of position. I really love men. It’s more of a feeling that the demands of a relationship – right now – aren’t a great fit for my life. If I was already in a relationship, it would be a different conversation. But, I’m not and I don’t feel any hunger or inclination to enter into one at this time.

I can’t recall having ever been this way in my dating life. Until recently, my interest in being in a committed relationship has been consistent throughout my adult life. I’ve had several periods of time during which I wasn’t a girlfriend, but during much of that time, I wanted to be someone’s girlfriend.
Most would say that for me to not care about being in a relationship is kinda bonkers for a 40-something single, childless gal like myself. When I say that I’m not interested in that right now, I’m being 100% forthright. The last time I even really, really liked someone was about 18 months ago – and he was an ex of mine who re-appeared on the scene.

In·dif·fer·ent
Adjective

Having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.

~ Oxford Dictionary

I don’t take credit for this blessing of indifference. It is a gift from God. It has to be because I’ve never really been this way. Though I haven’t been the type of girl to have a boyfriend just for the sake of saying that I have one, I do enjoy being in a relationship and I take being one’s romantic partner very seriously. I feel that if I’m in a relationship with a man, it is my job to make his life better, easier. Otherwise, why am I there? The same is true vice versa.

I classify my indifference as a blessing because there is freedom in aloofness. It feels amazing to not pine after a particular person or thing . . . to not be attached to any particular outcome. This position allows one to take actions and make decisions from a position of strength and genuineness – not based on fear or concern about what someone will think or whether that person will like or accept you for who you are. I truly consider this to be a gift because I’m not built like this. Really, I’m not. I, myself, am pretty amazed at my level of indifference I have right now.

As I’ve learned, a kind, but aloof woman, is also quite sexy to men. It adds to a woman’s confidence. Apparently, a woman over the age of 30 who doesn’t present even a hint of desperation is a little less common than one would think. A woman who doesn’t change her plans for a last minute 10 p.m. “date” with some dude who acts like he might like her a little bit is refreshing. A woman who isn’t so eager for attention that she acts as if she didn’t have a life before she met ol’ boy 5 minutes ago is intriguing. It’s particularly intriguing for men who do well for themselves, are attractive and are used to women responding very favorably and quickly to them.

“The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care that much.”

~ Sherry Argov, Why Men Love Bitches

Dating and Dollas

I’ve got a mountain of debt to pay off. I use the EveryDollar budgeting tool. My EveryDollar budget doesn’t include a dating line item. So I don’t have funds allocated to paying for dates. Occasionally, I’ll pay a tip or pay for some other low-cost item on a date. I usually take that money from the funds I’ve allocated for pocket change.

I’m traditional in many ways, so I don’t feel inept by not paying for dates. I’m the girl. He’s the guy. I don’t feel like a loser by not paying for us to go out. Frankly, if I felt an obligation to pay for dates, I simply wouldn’t do much, if any, dating. Though I enjoy dating, and am glad that I’m dating and have solid relationships with guys, I’m not hungry or desperate for any of it. So, if I date – great! If I don’t, that’s fine, too. Were I to find myself faced with the decision to either start spending or stop dating, I’d stop dating. Since I’m indifferent to being in a relationship right now, that’s an easy decision for me.

My goal of getting out of debt trumps any short-term desire for male companionship. As I move along my debt-free journey, I’m working on becoming the person I want to show up as when it’s time for me to be in my next relationship. What that version of me looks like, I’m not entirely sure. What I do know for sure is exactly who I don’t want my future me to be at that time – a chic bringing $350,000 of debt to the table.

My Man Foundation

I’m fortunate to have some great relationships with amazing, solid men. Foundationally, my father and I are close, we get along very well, and I love him tremendously. Though he never really spoke a lot about relationships when I was young, what he did say and demonstrate became well-ingrained in my “this is what I should do and how things should be” psyche. As one who has been married three times, he’s not the example for #marriage goals. But, what he did do was teach me from an early age what it meant to have a man whose word I could rely upon. If my father said that he was going to do something, he did it. If he said he was going to be somewhere, he was there. I always felt safe and secure around him. Unlike many of the women I know, I grew up not experiencing disappointment from the man who was the most important to me. He has given me confidence in my belief that there are great – albeit not perfect – men around – men who do what they say they will do, who respect and appreciate women, who value a healthy romantic relationship, who believe in marriage, and who believe in their role of being providers for their families. So, in my dating life, I expect a man to do what he says he will, and I expect him to be where he says he will be – and when. I’m not accustomed to being disappointed by men; disappointment is an exception. And though I clearly have some issues, daddy issues are not among them.

My little broski and I are also very close. He’s a very loving and thoughtful man. Between my father, my broski, some of the other men in my family, and my friends, I feel like I have a pretty healthy view on guys. I truly believe in the goodness of men. I don’t subscribe to rhetoric regarding the lack of good, available men. There may not be an abundance of such guys, but they do exist. I know and date some of them.

Then, there’s my crew of friends – the ones that are truly just friends, and the ones that would be glad to be a friend until it could be more. I’m really grateful for these guys. With them in my life, I don’t feel any lack for male attention. I’m thinking I will introduce you all to them some time in the future.

Mr. Nice for Now

I’m seeing someone now, consistently, but . . . it’s not serious. I can’t believe I’m even writing that because me and “consistent, but not serious,” have never gone together. Either it was consistent and serious or it was nothing.

A situationship is delightful to me right now. You mean, you won’t feel obligated to send me a “Good morning babe” text message every day? You mean, I don’t have to talk to you every day? You mean, I don’t have to engage in my normal next-level fabulous girlfriend routine? What?! Great. Good. I don’t have time for that right now anyway. This seems to be working out well for both of us. I’m focused on a particular goal. He’s not too far out of a tough marriage break up (about 2 years). Though he’s made it clear that he doesn’t love the fact that he’s had to get back out into the dating world, I get the feeling that he wants to take plenty of time to be and do as he wishes – without being attached or obligated to anyone but his child. Whatever the case, over the several months that we’ve been dating, he’s said nothing about defining our interaction or being in a committed relationship. I have not either.

Mr. Nice for Now is respectful, thoughtful, appears to be fiscally responsible, takes his role as a father to his daughter very seriously, and is reliable. I respect him. I like him. We have fun dates and enjoy the time we spend together. We see each other about every other weekend, with periodic meet-ups in between. He treats me well. For example, tonight we have a date to go to the gun range. This morning, he sent me the following text:

“Good morning, Sweetie. How’s it going? I plan on making dinner tonight and was wondering if salmon, lobster tails, shrimp cocktail and salad will be fine with you.”
Text Message, Mr. Nice for Now

The goodness of men must be acknowledged. :0)

What I love about my thing with Mr. Nice For Now is that whatever it is that we’re doing is, we both seem to understand the rules. He knows that I’m not some cut buddy that he can just text at midnight and ask, “Hey, can I come over?” He knows there’s more work involved with this. (Seriously, if sex is all a man wants from me, he learns quickly that I’m not the path of least pussy resistance. His time is better spent barking up another lady tree.) He knows that we’re dating. Dating requires dates. Not house, Netflix and chill dates, either. I’m talking about go outside and be somewhere dates.

He also knows that what he gets from me is easy breezy companionship with no demands. He knows that I’m not going to run behind him at all. At all. (I’m not runnin’ behind none of these dudes. If you want me, you want me. If you don’t, that’s fine. But I’m not going to try to convince, cajole, call you consistently, send you text messages, send you text messages pretending that they were intended for someone else in hopes of getting your attention, or any of those other actions that would be classified as “thirsty.” I’m not judging thirsty. I’m just saying that I’m not thirsty.) I’m not going to call him every day. I’m not going to text him morning, noon and night. I’m not going to ask him any questions about who he’s seeing. I’m not going to complain that I’m not seeing him enough (regardless of how often I see him or don’t). I don’t leave items at his house or in his car – ever. He didn’t even see my place for the first time until we had been dating for about 5 months. I’m not going to ask him to pay my bills. Most importantly, I’m not going to even think of forming my lips to ask, “What are we?”

I don’t know what we are but – whatever it is – it’s working for me. It’s also working for him. How do I know? Because we know that men do what works for them. They’re wonderfully gifted at getting their needs met. When something stops working for them, they disengage. I’m not mad at him or any of his brethren for that, either. If we women aren’t getting our needs met, that’s something on which we need to work. We can’t be mad at the guys for having that part figured out. So, until I manifest Vortexy Next Dude, this works well for me.

Mr. Vortexy Next Dude

While Mr. Nice for Now is working out okay for me, “okay” isn’t that to which I aspire. I’d like to manifest something new and different – a situation that will eventually lead to something serious. I’ve got a very clear picture of the man I want to have in my life during this phase of my life and the next. This next dude guy is in my vortex. (This post is long, as it is. If you don’t know what the vortex is, you may want to Google it.) He’s smart, he’s very comfortable and confident in his own skin, he does well for himself financially, he enjoys traveling and going out, he’s very physically attractive to me, we have aligned goals and values, and we have a physical and emotional chemistry. Additionally, he, like me, is in the midst of working on something important. It could be the building of a business, earning a PhD or getting in the best shape of his life. Whatever it is, it is something to which he is committed, and on which he wants to be laser focused at this time. He still wants companionship, affection, and attention, but doesn’t want to do all that is required in order to be a great relationship partner. He’s, basically, a reflection of me. But . . . he, unlike me, he has a line item in his EveryDollar budget dedicated to dating, so he can take us out on amazing dates.

He’ll get the same benefits as Mr. Nice for Now – companionship with a lack of commitment – while recognizing that this comes with some reasonable requirements. Other women find him to be emotionally unavailable at this time, so they get annoyed and upset with him. They get demanding and ask him a bunch of questions about why he doesn’t do this or that. I, on the other hand, don’t engage in such line of questioning. Why? Because, remember, I can’t be bothered right now.

Here’s the thing with Vortexy Next Dude: I want things to start out casually, but then I want them to eventually progress. After all, Vortexy Next Dude is an awesome guy! Though I can’t be bothered right now, there will come a time when I will want to be bothered again. And, ah! – it will be just at the time that Vortexy Next Dude wants to be bothered as well. By that time, I will have made tremendous headway on my debt paydown. He will have worked through whatever his focus project was at the time we started dating. We’ll realize how much we’ve enjoyed the progression of our relationship. We’ll then transition into a monogamous, committed relationship. Oh how beautiful things will be!

Will Single Girl succeed in manifesting Vortexy Next Dude? Now that I’ve put that all out there – Universe, please get to work.