Single Girl Slays Debt – Page 3 – Paying Off Tsunami-Sized Debt as a Single Woman

Valentine’s Day Dignity

February 14, 2020 by tanya

Valentine’s Day can be such a mixed bag of good and bad. It can be a really tough time for single women. It can be even worse for ladies in relationships (or those who think they’re in relationships).

For some, today will, literally, be a dream of a day. If it marks a proposal or an actual wedding, signifying a forever love, this may be a day that they’ve imagined since childhood. On a more casual note, a guy that a woman’s been dating might surprise her with an unexpected romantic gift or dinner date.

For others, it won’t be puppies and rainbows. It’s going to be a pretty crappy day. Not only might they struggle with all of the fanfare and imagery that goes along with this holiday – the jewelry ads, the photos of huge flower bouquets, the “She said ‘Yes’” Facebook posts with the corresponding images of beautiful diamond rings. They’ll also deal with the facts of their own lives – the absence of a desired loving partner or the poor behavior of the partner they have. This is where the rubber meets the road.

Men Aren’t Stupid

Though I adore men and hold them in high regard, I’ll be the first to say that they do some really stupid things. But overall, they’re not stupid. Men know what to do to make a woman feel special. They know what gestures are, generally, well-received. Most importantly, they know how to show a woman that they care about her and want to have her in their life.

At the same time, let’s not pretend: a lot of guys (and some girls) cannot stand the Valentine’s Day holiday. They think it is a ridiculous commercial, meaningless reason to spend money because “society says so.” They don’t like the idea of being pressured into spending money on this particular day as a demonstration of their love for their partner.

Whether you’re in a relationship, think you’re in a relationship, or are currently unattached, let Valentine’s Day be a day on which you exercise dignity. Above all . . . dignity.
~ Single Girl

While I understand the irritation, I don’t care. When a guy I’m seeing or with whom I’m in a relationship protests the holiday, I state that, though he thinks it’s stupid . . . I don’t. Is a 60-inch television important? To me, not so much. To him, it might be, and I respect that. So, he needs to respect what’s important to me and what puts a smile on my face.

Even a man who isn’t “your man” will want to do something for you on Valentine’s Day – whether or not he protests the holiday. He recognizes that it’s an opportunity for him to shine and to make a huge deposit in your love bank. If he wants you, he’ll use this as a chance to make you feel special.

It doesn’t matter that he’s not the Valentine’s Day type of guy. If you’re a Valentine’s Day kind of gal, he needs to embrace that. Don’t let him exercise any Jedi mind trickery to make you feel any way to the contrary.

Again, if it’s important to you, then it’s important. A man who loves and cares about you will acknowledge that and try to make you feel special. I have a few exes that absolutely abhorred Valentine’s Day (and, frankly, treated me well on the other days of the year). That didn’t stop them from making sure that we did something together or that they gave me a gift to celebrate the day.

How To Handle What Valentine’s Day Will Reveal To You

For the ladies for whom this will be an amazing, beautifully memorable day, let’s rejoice with them in their happiness and the amazing memories that they’ll be making today.

For the ones who are about to feel some type of shitty way, I’ve outlined a strategy for handling the truths that will be revealed.

Whether you’re in a relationship, think you’re in a relationship, or are currently unattached, let Valentine’s Day be a day on which you exercise dignity. Above all . . . dignity.

DIGNITY [DIG-NI-TEE]
Bearing conduct or speech indicative of self-respect
nobility or elevation of character; worthiness
~ Dictionary.com

This means that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen today, you operate with the utmost demonstration of self-respect. Despite how you feel, you control your actions like a grown woman. Regardless of whatever feelings arise in you, you carry yourself like a high-value, dignified woman.

What Not To Do

1. Don’t Flip Out

While I totally believe in the power of the flip out, a guy’s failure to meet your expectations today probably wouldn’t justify such a dramatic response. Remember, there’s protocol with this flip out stuff and the flip out is to be used more in response to disrespectful behavior, not disappointing behavior. You expected something today and didn’t receive it (whether that be a date, a gift, a proposal or some sort of communication)? You thought he’d reach out to you, but didn’t? You expected him to have made a date with you for today, but he didn’t? Be glad that you now know what’s really going on. Don’t blow up his phone, don’t “accidentally” send him a text that was allegedly intended for someone else. Don’t do any passive-aggressive, weak ass shit. Be happy that you’re being shown the truth. See item 1 under What To Do, below.

2. Don’t Initiate Contact

If he doesn’t say anything to you today, you don’t say anything to him today, either. Wait. Either he reaches out to you or you two don’t communicate today.

3. Don’t Fuss

Whatever he decides to give or do for you should be received with appreciation and gratitude. If you were expecting a ring, but he gives you a bracelet, don’t express your disappointment. He knows you want a ring and he chose to not give one to you. He-chose-to-not- give-you-one. If you wanted to go out on a romantic date to a fancy restaurant, but he thinks that Olive Garden is sufficient, then receive his restaurant choice with a smile. He shouldn’t have to hear any complaining about what he chose to do or not do. Your job is to observe his choices and decide whether: (1) it is a representation of how he feels about you and your relationship (which it probably is) and (2) what you’re going to do about that (which should be to either take it or leave it).

4. Don’t Ask Questions

“Why haven’t I heard from you?” “You’re not going to take me out?” “You didn’t even get me a box of chocolates?” Again, no fussing at all. If he communicates, he communicates. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. If he asks you out, great. If he doesn’t, you better stay home or go out with your friends.

What To Do

1. Enjoy Yourself

Do what makes you feel good and happy. If you want to go out and flirt, go check out a local bar or pub, or places that couples typically don’t go for a romantic evening. Alternatively, if you want to have a nice evening at home, that’s a wonderful idea. One of my friends is having a steak dinner with her tween daughter tonight – a fabulous girls’ night in. Whatever you do, don’t go flipping out on anyone because he didn’t meet your expectations today.

2. Pay Attention

If you’re not fussing, questioning, initiating contact or pushing, you’ll get a chance to see how he feels about your relationship, situationship, or whatever the hell it is that you have. A man will show you exactly how he feels about you. It’s just up to you to acknowledge and accept it. Don’t lie to yourself.

3. Understand That He’s Just Not That Into You

Period. Women don’t like to believe this, but it’s true. If you’ve never read the book, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, you should. It’s a classic and, though it’s hard for many women to accept, what it says is true. Men do what they want to do. Men pursue women they want to pursue. Men try to impress women they deem worthy of the effort. Like the male author of the books says, “. . . Even though we may not be saying it, we are absolutely showing it all the time. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him; his actions are screaming the truth.” If you find yourself confused, disappointed, alone, or lonely today, it is because he’s just not that into you.

. . . Even though we may not be saying it, we are absolutely showing it all the time. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him; his actions are screaming the truth.
~ Greg Behrendt, He’s just not that into you

4. Know That No Romance = No Bueno

Another old school dating book whose tenets still ring true is The Rules- Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Rule 12 is “stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine’s Day.” Why? Because this shows that he doesn’t want you on a long-term, romantic basis. I learned this one to be true several years ago. When I reviewed my dating experiences, it was totally on point. For example, I was dating a beautiful, thoughtful guy and we were in a committed relationship. I thought things were going great. For my birthday, he got me the most expensive, gorgeous JUICER a woman could ever want. Right after my birthday, he told me that he didn’t want to be hurt again (he was divorced) and was only going to allow me to get “so” close to him. He said that if I ever got too close, he’d pull away. Though I was terribly hurt, I told him that, “As a dignified and self-respecting woman,” I could not possibly stay in a relationship with a man who was telling me plainly that he didn’t want to get close to me. The unromantic gift was, in retrospect, an indication of his lack of desire to be in a long-term romantic relationship with me. As Fein and Schneider state, “Flowers, jewelry, poetry and weekend trips to the country are the kinds of gifts given by men in love. Sweat suits, books, briefcases, toasters and other practical gifts are the kinds of things men give when they like you, care about you (like a sister), but don’t really want to marry you.”

This Valentine’s Day will probably bring some serious questions for the fore and will be a time to make some decisions. Will you continue to accept what you’ve been accepting? What more does he have to do to show you he doesn’t really want you as his woman? Do you even really want this man? What lies have you been telling yourself about him or your situation with him? What writing to you see on the wall, but don’t want to acknowledge? What excuses have you been making for behavior that you know is disrespectful or demonstrative of a lack of care?

Let us commit to maintaining our dignity. Always. To not accepting behavior that shows a man’s lack of true desire or adoration for us . . . to acknowledging what someone is showing us about how they feel about us over what they’re saying to us . . . to trusting our intuition.

Today doesn’t need to be a day of sadness. Today can and should be a day of empowerment. Consider it the first day of the rest of your dignified life.

February 2020 Budget Breakdown

February 11, 2020 by tanya

Last month was a good month. I had one budget surprise, but, otherwise, things went pretty well.

January 2020 Budget Recap

Where I overspent:

Groceries	Budgeted Amount: $200	Actual Spent: $221
Doctor Visit	Budgeted Amount: $0	Actual Spent: $80
Do It Scared	Budgeted Amount: $15	Actual Spent: $25

Where I spent less than allocated:

Gas	Budgeted Amount: $175	Actual Spent: $108
Dry Cleaning/Shoe Repair	Budgeted Amount: $90	Actual Spent: $31
Pocket Change	Budgeted Amount: $100	Actual Spent: $68
Chicago Trip	Budgeted Amount: $450	Actual Spent: $341

A couple of notes on where I overspent and spent less than allocated:

Doctor Visit: This was the surprise expense. Though I knew that I had appointments to see both my general medicine practitioner and my gynecologist, I didn’t expect to have to make any payments for either visit. Under my insurance plan, when you go for the purpose of an annual, preventative exam, no co-pay needs to be paid. What I learned when I got to my general practitioner’s office, however, is that if you discuss anything other than what is related to the annual exam, there will be a fee. If you get a prescription filled (for me it is Albuterol because I’m a mild asthmatic), you’ll pay a fee. So, anything at all that goes beyond the limited scope of an annual exam will push the visit from being an unpaid one into a paid one.
Do It Scared: This is a subscription program by Ruth Soukup, the woman who created the Living Well Spending Less Planner. When you purchase the Planner, you are given a 30-day free trial of the program – a program designed to help you crush the goals you’ve set out to achieve. I didn’t engage in the program enough during the initial 30-day trial, so I wanted to try it for an additional month to learn more about it and see if I found it to be valuable to me. When I registered for the program online, the sales materials stated that the monthly fee was $15. Once in the program, however, I found that they charged me $25.
Chicago Trip: The Chicago trip was made to support my friend in her graduation from a coaching program and to celebrate her birthday. She paid for my plane ticket as well as our hotel room, however, I budgeted to have travel money and to be able to get her something for her birthday. For her birthday dinner, she chose a super sexy Asian restaurant, Tao (loved it!). The restaurant serves in a family-style manner. Though there were 7 of us who ate, we only split the bill 3 ways because there was one couple there and my friend’s minor son and twenty-something Goddaughter were there. My friend wanted to pay for her son and Goddaughter, but the rest of us didn’t feel that appropriate for the circumstances. So, myself, and two other people (the married couple counted themselves as 1 person) split the $519 bill. I also paid for parking, for lunch for me and my friend’s son and an appetizer at an event for me and my friend. I’m glad that I budgeted enough to accommodate whatever she decided to do. I’m delighted that I came in under budget on that item.

I’ve written here about what I do with what I don’t spend in each budget category.

February Budget Breakdown

I’ve based the February budget on income of $9,000.

I use Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar software to do my monthly budgeting. Instead of using the premium version (EveryDollar Plus), I use the free version. The free version doesn’t connect with your bank and credit accounts, so I am intentionally forcing myself to really connect with my numbers, instead of being able to simply drag and drop imported expenditures. This forces me to manually capture every single amount spent each month.

According to the summary of spending that appears in EveryDollar, here’s how the percentages of planned spending breaks down for the month:

I’ve got a lot that has to get done this month and, as a result, the budget is higher than last month. One would think that the increase in the amount available for the budget would automatically translate into a larger amount being paid toward my debt snowball. It doesn’t.

Note that I don’t have any funds allocated to a “Romance” category, even though Valentine’s Day is this month. I do have Valentine’s Day plans, however, I don’t have what I would consider to be a Valentine – at least not one on which I will be spending any money.

The increase in the budget will be used toward (1) taxes for 2020 and (2) medical expenses. I’m looking at spending an additional $1,200 between the taxes and the health-related costs. Saving $500 toward taxes is me being proactive in preparing to address the tax bill that I’m likely to have for covering my 2020 tax liability.

I’ve stated that I pay myself from my business via two different forms of income – W-2 employee income and owner distributions. With the W-2 employee income, taxes are automatically withheld through the payroll system I use (ADP). The distributions, however, don’t include withholding. So, I need to be prepared to pay whatever taxes I owe when it’s tax filing time.

It’s a short month, so I need to make every day count. How are things looking for you for February?

What To Do With Budgeted, But Unspent, Funds?

February 7, 2020 by tanya

Before the beginning of each month, I prepare a budget using the Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar app. Doing so is now a habit that I’m very proud to have. Ramsey points to the budget as the foundational element of financial control. He’s right. Having and using a budget is powerful. Very powerful.

I do a “zero-based budget” which means that I make sure that it balances completely. Every anticipated dollar of income is allocated toward an appropriate spending category. On paper, there are no extra, hanging funds that are not intended to be used for a particular purpose. There’s a budget category for everything from my pocket change to the additional funds that I’ll be contributing to my debt snowball that month.

Though my budget is zero-based, not every allocated dollar gets spent during the course of the month. I often underspend in discretionary categories like auto gas, drycleaning and pocket change. What I’ve been doing with these allocated, but unspent funds is . . . nothing. They’ve remained in my personal checking account. When I prepare the budget for the following month, I make it as if there isn’t any residual money available from the previous month or months.

The result is that about $1,500 has now accumulated in the account. Of course, I could take the excess for every month and apply it to the debt that I’m attacking in my debt snowball (right now it’s my 2016 tax bill) and start off every month fresh with no money in the account. But . . . I don’t want to do that.

Dave Ramsey would probably say that I should be using the excess funds every month toward my debt snowball. I’ll admit that having the money functions almost like another baby emergency fund. The point of having just one $1,000 baby emergency fund (under the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover Plan) is to make you feel a bit uneasy – so uneasy that you hustle as much as possible in order to pay off the debt as soon as possible. For someone who isn’t facing over $300,000 of debt (and the length of time it may take to pay it off) and who doesn’t work for themselves (like I do) that’s not as scary a proposition. For my self-employed, extreme debt-having self, the idea of some extra money in the account makes me feel good.

For my self-employed, extreme debt-having self, the idea of some extra money in the account makes me feel good.
~ Single Girl

Having come from a place of being so out of control with my money, I like having money in my account. I lllooooovvveeee no longer feeling out of control. Even though it’s “only” $1,500, having it and seeing it sends a message to my subconscious self that abundance is a part of my life. The presence of the money represents my ability to deliberately set intentions for my use of funds and to operate in accordance with a system. The $1,500 is not enough to make me feel comfortable by any means; it just looks and feels better than just the $1,000. Look, if it’s okay for someone with only $10,000 of debt to have a $1,000 baby emergency fund, it seems reasonable for someone with $300,000 of debt to have just a smidgen more than the $1,000 hanging around.

My plan is to use the accumulated funds to make large payments on my debt snowball, but I don’t intend to totally deplete the funds in doing so. When the amount gets to, say, $2,000, I’ll take $1,000 or $1,500 of it and pay it toward my debt snowball. Then I’ll let it replenish back to $2,000 and make another lump sum payment. I may change my mind later about how to handle these funds, but, for now, I want to do it this way.

What do you do with your budgeted, but unspent funds each month?

Do you only keep $1,000 in a baby emergency fund?

If not, what amount do you prefer to keep in your savings account?

The Tsunami Situation – January 2020 Debt Report

February 4, 2020 by tanya

Each month, I record the balances on my debt obligations. The amounts shown in my debt report reflect balances as of the end of the previous month. First you’ll see the Table of Debt Slayed. This displays debts that have been paid off since I began my debt free journey.

Further below you’ll see my active debts in the Debt Report Table.

“How long should you try? Until.”
~ Jim Rohn

A few notes on the Table of Debts Slayed:

(1) The Debt Journey Balance column reflects the balance on the debt as of the date that I started to get serious about my debt-free journey – July, 2019.

(2) I’ve included in the Table of Debts Slayed, the balances I paid off for my 2018 Federal ($3,238) and State ($2,819) taxes, even though I paid them off the month after I learned about the obligation and the debts became due. I’m including them the list because they were significant amounts and were, technically, debts; I just paid them off quickly. I previously had not listed them in my Table of Debts slayed but am do so now.

(3) In November, I applied for and obtained a debt consolidation loan, which allowed for the payoff of all of my credit card debt. The credit cards listed, except for the Chase card, were paid off through the debt consolidation. Effectively, the debt was re-classified (which you’ll see in the table below) and not actually paid off.

See the Debt Report Table below for the figures as of the end of January, 2020. It shows the updated order of debts to be repaid.

The difference between my December and January personal debt balance is $4,210.

The difference between my December and January business credit card debt balance is $574.

A few notes about the Debt Report Table:

The Debt Being Attacked

The debt that is highlighted in green is the debt that I’m currently attacking. Additional funds I have available for debt repayment go toward extra payments on this highlighted debt. The additional appear as my “Debt Snowball” number in my budget every month.

Estimates

Sometimes, an amount that ends in a “0” or “50” is an estimate. Often times, the IRS website does not show updated figures. It will say that “information is not available,” so I make a guess, based on the typical monthly reduction amount.

Three Payments That (Unfortunately) Go Up Every Month

(1) Internal Revenue Service (2017)

This payment goes up every month because the IRS system will not allow me to make payments on both the 2016 balance and the 2017 balance at the same time. I wanted to make small payments on the 2017 balance so that it wouldn’t go up every month. When I spoke with the IRS, they explained that they don’t allow for that. It requires that all payments be applied to the oldest balance due. That is why the 2016 balance goes down, while the 2017 balance goes up by about $64 per month.

(2 & 3) Navient Student Loans (Yes, Both!)

The balances for both Navient loans go up every month because I’m on an income-based repayment plan. The minimum payments under the program aren’t enough to reduce the monthly balance. Once I take down the two IRS debts, I’ll start making payments on the student loans big enough to, at least, cover the interest.

Business Credit Card

I’ve included the business credit card balance, even though I don’t pay that bill out of my personal income. Though the money that pays it comes from the business, I am the personal guarantor of it. So, technically, it’s my debt. Despite the fact that I make a $1,000 payment on it every month, you see that the balance only goes down by just under $400. The APR on it is 22.74%.

In January, I did what out I set to do, which was find a low interest business loan or credit card so that I could transfer the balance (see Money Move – A Balance Transfer). It’s actually 2 cards because I couldn’t get a credit line on one to cover the full balance. Because of the balance transfer process for each of the credit cards, the balance transfers won’t be completed until next month.

Why Am I Not Discouraged?

I asked myself this question as I was putting together this post. Why am I not discouraged by the fact that the balances of some of my obligations – the 2017 taxes and the student loans – continue to go up every month? After all, the aim here is to consistently reduce my debt. Ideally, every single one of my balances should be going down, not up.

The reason I’m not discouraged is because, despite the fact that some balances are still increasing, others are coming down. And, most importantly, I’m developing and practicing the habits that are going to position me to get out of this Tsunami Situation in which I find myself.

I’m budgeting. I’m reconciling my expenses in connection with said budget.

I’m changing my mindset and paying attention to the money I have and where it is going. Remember, during the period between January, 2019 and June, 2019, I paid almost $1,000 in overdraft fees! I was out of control and not managing my money properly at all. It was ridiculous!

What a difference a year makes. Now, in January of 2020, I feel much more in control. I’m operating intentionally. I’m planning strategically. I’m developing consistency. I’m taking baby steps – literally. I’ve still got a long way to go, but I feel like I’m laying a solid foundation. If I just stay committed to moving forward, the results will come. The results WILL come. That’s what keeps me encouraged.

How are you feeling about your debt free journey? We’re a month into 2020 and . . . how did things go the first month? If you’re feeling discouraged, my hope is that you’ll give yourself credit for all that you have accomplished and the progress that you’ve made thus far. We have to remember that it’s a process and that it takes time and consistency to get to the other side of this. The thing that matters most is that we will get to the other side.

The Manscape – January 2020

January 31, 2020 by tanya

This month, one door closed. I expect new ones to open.

No More Mr. Nice For Now

I figured it was coming. I mentioned last month that I’d been thinking a lot about my situation with Mr. Nice For Now and had determined that it no longer worked for me. Though it was fine for the 11 months that we dated, that’s all it was . . . fine. Over that period of time, neither of us ever mentioned advancing the relationship nor did I want to. We enjoyed spending time together, had great dates, laughed and joked and really respected one another. But, there was no fire for me. No real chemistry – physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I could take it or leave it.

I’ve decided that I no longer want to send that message to myself – the it’s okay to tolerate what’s just okay message. I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre. I want to cultivate in my life that which is amazing. In order to start doing that, I am actively making space for I truly want, not just what I can tolerate.

I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre.
~ Single Girl

He returned from his 5-week international trip on New Year’s Eve. He told me that he would be coming back that day, but didn’t provide a specific arrival time. I heard from him on New Year’s Eve night at 9:34 p.m. via text. He asked me if I was planning on going out with friends. I told him I was not.

Him: What are you doing to bring in the New Year?

Me: Some planning for the New Year. If I don’t have a particularly interesting opportunity lol, I’m good with being off the streets on NYE.

Him: Can I be of any interest to you tonight baby?

Me: Sorry, sweetheart. I’m going to be alone tonight. I like having the time to think, prepare and pray the New Year in.

Him: Ok, that sounds productive. Do you have business to attend to tomorrow?

Me: Yes, I’ve got plans for tomorrow. How was your trip back?

My plans for the next day were to continue to do my planning.

Look, I know that exchange sounds some type of way. First of all, I’m weird when it comes to bringing in a New Year. I don’t like to spend that time with someone I know isn’t likely to be in my life that following year. So, for me NYE is either spent alone, with family or with my man – my man – not someone I know who will not be my man. When I mentioned “a particularly interesting opportunity” I was referring to something that’s particularly interesting. To me, that means being on a beach in a foreign country (I once spent NYE in Jamaica on a Ritz Carlton beach and it was amazing!) or being at some awesome 5 DJ, 10-room NYE party. It doesn’t mean having a last minute get together with a guy who didn’t bother to make NYE plans with me before 9:34 on New Year’s Eve! The fuck?

So, it was pretty easy for me to opt to spend the time alone. He told me to let him know when I’d be available to get together. I told him that I would. Though we kept in contact via text, it wasn’t until the 14th of January that I reached out to him to make plans to get together. We were going to go on a date later that week on the 18th. I wanted to tell him in person that our situation wasn’t working for me anymore. After all, that’s the reasonable, grown up thing to do.

In our conversation, it was clear that he expected things to be status quo – exactly as they were prior to his departure. That was a reasonable assumption on his part. It just wasn’t factual. Since I knew that things had changed – because I had changed my position – I called him the next day to deliver the message that I had intended to deliver in person later that week.

I told him that I felt differently about our situation now than I did before he left. “Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “It was cool. It worked. It just doesn’t work anymore.” He said, “Wow! I guess me leaving made a difference.”

Him leaving didn’t make a difference – it just made it easier to leave the situation alone. I told him that it wasn’t about him leaving. It was about me wanting to have a different kind of connection with a person. I told him that this was about it occuring to the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year to say to me, “Babe, you know, I’ll be in Asia kickin’ it for 5 weeks . . . do you want to come out for a week or something?” And, I told him, “It’s about me seeing him sooner than 18 days after he returns from a 5-week trip.”

“I reached out to you the day I got back!” he said.

“I know you did,” I explained. “That was on me. The fact that I was okay with not seeing you for 18 days after you’ve been gone for 5 weeks is what I’m saying. I want a different kind of connection.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” he sighed. “I need a drink.”

Jameson

Jameson is being consistent and is putting on the press. It’s not out of hand or anything; he’s just making it clear that he’d like all of whatever time and attention I’m willing to give to him. He’s said that he’d like to get back together and is, apparently, committed to demonstrating that. Though we have a good time together and have really engaging conversations, getting back together isn’t on my radar at all and I don’t hide the ball about that. He’s aware of this, but insists that he really values our friendship and loves spending time with me.

Earlier this month, he took me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and, afterwards, to see the new Bad Boys movie. The dinner portion was really part of a business transaction. Some time last year, he told me about a business that he wanted to start. Since I encourage people to pursue their ideas and dreams, I suggested that he do something small – like by the domain for it – to move the idea forward. A couple of weeks later, I followed up with him to see if he had made any movement. He had not. Some time a few weeks later, I followed up with him again to see if he had made any progress on his idea. He had not. As is consistent with how he does things sometimes, he had done nothing, so . . . I bought the domain name with the full intention of holding it ransom at a future date. This was all to prove a point to him. Handle your business, dude. Buying a domain name is a super cheap and easy way to start to solidify a project or idea. Eventually, when we spoke again about the idea, I told him that I had bought his domain name and that it would cost him “ a little sumpthin’” to get it back. He recently decided that he was ready to retrieve his domain. I told him that I would take mercy on him and allow the payment to be in the form of a high-end dinner instead of a designer bag or something more costly.

Jameson also came over a couple of times this month bearing gifts. With the first gift, he called and asked me if he could stop by. “For what?” I asked. He said he wanted to bring me something. I had no idea what it was, but he assured me that it would be a short visit.

He showed up with some vegan ice cream that was delicious! But that wasn’t the great part. What he had really come by to do was to show me the video from the helicopter trip he took me on last month. (By the way, I’m soooooo glad we did this prior to the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant. I’m not sure I would have been so comfortable going up in the copter after what tragically happened to them and the others who lost their lives.) What was so sweet was that he had the helicopter company put the video to one of my favorite songs, “Liberian Girl,” by Michael Jackson.

I was in tears as we watched the video together, but didn’t really know why. Was it because the gesture was thoughtful? Was it because “Liberian Girl” tends to make me emotional anyway? Maybe I was emotional because I was on my period. I had no idea. I was just happy. I gave him a strong hug and told him how much I appreciated what he’d done.

Later in the month, he came bearing other gifts. Several months ago, he fixed a couple of things in my house. The projects were handled over a period of days. Since Jameson drinks a lot, he ended up drinking a pretty significant amount of the liquor I had on my bar cart. His consumption was significant enough that he made a point to say that he’d need to replenish it at some point in the future. I didn’t make mention of the alcohol he drank and I certainly didn’t request that he replace any of it. The alcohol was there for guests to consume.

All I knew was that I wasn’t going to replace it. Once the liquor ran out, I would not be buying any more. I didn’t want to put it in the budget. Not having it around would also mean that I’d be less likely to drink it myself.

Fast forward to January – a few months later – Jameson texts me and tells me to choose 4 bottles of liquor. But there was a caveat – only one bottle could be Ciroc.

“Why can only one bottle be Ciroc?” I asked.

“Because you’ll drink Ciroc without me.”

I do a lot of things without you, I thought to myself. He went on to explain that he wanted me to have other liquor options available for when I have guests (again, because I’ll likely drink the Ciroc). The explanation didn’t resonate with me but I was getting 4 bottles of liquor to put on my bar cart. I was willing to comply with the rules.

I chose the following: Ciroc Mango (of course!), Apple Crown, Pinaud de Charentes (a fortified wine made with cognac), and Four Roses Small Batch Whiskey. I like each of the first 3 items. The Four Roses is to have when I have male company (the Apple Crown would work for that, too).

In addition to the 4 bottles I selected, he brought a 5th bottle – a Japanese whiskey. He said it was for whenever he happens to come by.

“So you’re leaving liquor at my house for you?”

“Yes,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. I gave him a look that said, well that’s audacious of you. I think he read the look because he went on to say that he just wants to know for sure that he’ll have something at my place to drink during those times when he comes over. It doesn’t happen regularly, but we do sometimes use his Firestick to binge on some show that I can’t access on mine. Our next binge session is supposed to be Power in a couple of weeks.

A couple of months ago, he asked me if I’d be willing to go on a cruise with him at the beginning of the year.

“It’s possible,” I responded. I don’t spend a lot of time on hypothetical conversations with guys – particularly guys who aren’t my man. So, I didn’t rule out the possibility of going, but also wasn’t going to spend much time talking about it. If it were to become something he was serious about, I’d think about it and consider it more seriously at that time.

Well, here we are at the beginning of the year and he brought it up again. He told me where he’d like to go. I asked him about the kind of experience he wanted to have (so I could see if lined up with the kind of experience I’d likely want to have). I told him that I wanted to have a non-Carnival, non-Royal Caribbean cruise line experience (because I’ve been on both of those) and that I’d heard that Virgin has started an adults only cruise. “Wouldn’t that be dope?” I asked. He agreed.

“I’ll do some research,” he said.

Cigar Bar

I haven’t seen Cigar Bar this month, but we’ve been in contact. We’ve only gone out twice and, despite his nightcap inquiry (most guys would love a nightcap, right?), I like him and want to get to know him better.

He recently moved to my city and, since we’ve met, figuring out where he will live has been a top priority for him. We’ve talked about different parts of the city and he’s kept me updated on different areas he’s considered and places he viewed. When he recently decided to put an offer on a Midtown condo, he shared his excitement with me about that as well.

We were supposed to go on a date last Saturday, but he asked for a raincheck because he was too far behind on his packing. He was moving out of corporate housing and into a hotel, while he waits to close on his new condo.

He said he didn’t want to have “too much to do” the next day and hadn’t gotten enough of the packing done by the time we were nearing our date time. While I totally understand not wanting to have too much to do on a Sunday, the move I would have preferred he had made was to have still gone on our date and just done the packing he needed to do on Sunday. I’m not holding it against him; I’m just taking note that he preferred to have a leisurely Sunday versus hanging out with me on Saturday.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing.
~ Single Girl

Again – I get it. I’m that way, too. There is no one that I’m seeing right now for whom I will totally change my plans or for whom I will have myself jammed up for time. The guy that has me willing to bend over backwards or inconvenience myself significantly is usually the guy who is my boyfriend or is on the track to being that. So, I do understand where Cigar Bar is coming from. But I’m paying attention.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing. The key is seeing things for how they are, not as how we’d like them to be. That’s why I’m not irritated or mad at Cigar Bar for the choice that he made. I am, however, seeing clearly that he chose his packing over following through on our date.

Whole Foods (Formerly Whole Foods Joker)

We went out to lunch once this month. He asked me to go out another time, but I was focused on some work deadlines and, frankly, wasn’t willing to make the time.

After our lunch, I started to side eye him because of some of the things he said (and didn’t say) at our most recent lunch. I may have said this before, but, I’m pretty aware of what people say, how they say it and what they don’t say. A story he told me at lunch didn’t line up with what he told me when he first met me. As his story unfolded, it became clear to me that he engaged in, at least, a semi lie when he first met me in the Whole Foods. It’s not a total lie, but, given the back story that he told me at lunch, he probably shouldn’t have made the statement when we first met.

I’m still working on the facts of the whole shit (because after I pressed a little, he admitted that he wasn’t telling the whole story and wants to get to know me better before he does), but his approach is wack as hell. I told him as much during lunch. I said, “Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.” He said he would prefer to stop talking about it. Listening to him half tell what happened was getting painful and I wanted him to know that his approach wasn’t working favorably.

Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.
~ single girl

The bottom line: I didn’t like that shit. If you have something in your past that you’re not proud of, just be honest about it and be done with it. Or be quiet. Who hasn’t made a bad decision or done something they wouldn’t do again? Either the person you want to date will be okay with it or they won’t. But, what’s worse is you coming across as a liar or a person whose stories have to be dissected for the truth.
Here’s my other issue with Whole Foods: he comes off as old. He’s a handsome guy. He claims he’s only 55, but . . . I’m not totally convinced. He could pass for 60 to me. Granted, it would be a good-looking, well-dressed, nice-smelling 60, but . . . it’s still 60. I’m trying to get past it, but I’m having a hard time.

The Original Whole Foods

The Original Whole Foods is a guy I dated about 10 years ago. I met him when I was out exercising at a nearby park. He was beautiful. He was jogging and . . . it was like he was moving in slow motion, with his bouncing pecs and biceps glistening with sweat. He stopped jogging to talk to me and ask me for my number.

He was interesting, seemed pretty driven, was physically fit, and was a gentleman. In person and on paper he was my kind of guy. We ended up going out several times and would hang out periodically (since we live near one another), but nothing significant ever came of it. The last time I spoke with him was via text in 2018.

Then, out of the blue, I get a text from him a couple of weeks ago asking if I’d be interested in catching up. I was reluctant at first. What’s his angle? This’ll be a waste of time. Then I remembered, it’s just dinner. Plus, I’ve always enjoyed spending time with him, so . . . it’s whatever.

I told him that I’d be fine with catching up. He said that he’ll be traveling until early February, but that he’d reach back out to set something up. We’ll see.

The reason he’s called the Original Whole Foods is because, after we stopped dating, every time I’d run into him it would be at Whole Foods! One time I was in the bookstore next door to the Whole Foods (this was when bookstores were still a thing) with my boyfriend and he walked up on us and, basically, acted like my boyfriend wasn’t even there. My boyfriend didn’t make a scene, but, afterwards he said, “What the fuck? Does my forehead say ‘I’m a bitch ass dude’?!”

Anyway, ladies, what’s the takeaway here? You can meet single men at the Whole Foods.

Mr. All Black

After meeting at the grocery store (not a Whole Foods), I received a follow up text. Then I didn’t hear from him after that . . . until earlier this week. He apologized for not being in contact and explained that he was grieving the death of his best friend who passed away just after he and I met. Of course, I’m sorry for his loss.

Our communications have been interesting. I say “interesting” in a good way, not in the “hmmm this looks like it could be some garbage, but we’ll see” kind of way. I love how insightfully he communicates and what he’s shared about himself so far. He’s mentioned that he’s abstinent. I think that’s dope. We’ve agreed to talk about it more when we see each other.

Since he’s going to Miami this weekend for the Superbowl festivities, we have a date scheduled for next week, after he returns. I’m looking forward to it.

Whatchu got goin’ on? Any fun dates this month?

Binge Gone Crazy

January 28, 2020 by tanya

Things Were Going Well . . . Until They Weren’t

I was on that restrictive diet – a gluten-free, dairy-free pescatarian diet. With it, I was usually able to keep my weight where I wanted it to be – in the 120s (pounds) range. If I got out of hand with alcohol or sweets, I would see a slight uptick in my weight that might put me into the 130s. Upon seeing that I was getting unruly, I’d commit to cutting back to shed the pounds and get back to a weight in the 120s.

I used to be able to shed the weight fairly easily, once I’d committed to pulling things back together. In the later part of last year, I realized that I’ve come to a point in my life (perhaps age, hormones, not exercising as hard), where it’s just not as easy as it once was.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve got to take a different approach now. The old system no longer works with my current body. It now takes longer to get the same results.

I also don’t have the same willingness or desire to subscribe to a highly restricted diet in which I’m rejecting entire food groups indefinitely. That doesn’t work for me anymore. I want to come up with a system that aligns with the way my body works and that will help me produce the sustainable results that I’d like.

I mentioned several months ago that I was trying the program outlined in the book The Plan. I started the Plan and began to see some results in terms of weight loss. The Plan is basically a guided elimination diet program that aims to help you find those foods that work well with your body and those that do not. The idea is to develop your diet around knowledge about how your body functions and focus on that instead of on calories.

What delighted me about my experience with The Plan is that I was able to test (and pass the test for) 3 of the things I hadn’t eaten in over 3 years, but absolutely LOVE – bread, chicken and cheese. This had me so excited!

A couple of weeks after I started The Plan, my birthday came and I went HAM. HAM! Having recently passed that part of the Plan that tested bread, chicken and cheese, I first started by having some of those foods while out. Oh how elated I was to be able to have the pre-meal bread and to not have to hold the cheese on a salad.

The HAMation that began on my birthday quickly turned into a full on spiral. I swear, I had a 3-week binge. Even though I had only passed the 3 tests (and hadn’t tested anything else yet), I decided to eat AAALLLLLLLL of the stuff that I had missed over the previous 3 years! All of it!

Chicken? Yup. Beef? Yup. Queso dip with beef? Yup. Cheeseburgers? Yup. Dessert (that wasn’t sorbet)? Pancakes? Yup. Pizza?! Yup, yup, yup! I went bananas!

Because it was my birthday, the holidays (remember, I also went to Las Vegas to hang out with The Bulldozer), and I had a strong dating month in December, I was getting treated to a number of restaurant outings. So I had several opportunities to indulge. I went from one end of the diet spectrum all the way to the other.

Getting Back On Track

By the time I started to gain some semblance of sensibility, I had become quite the thickums. As a woman who is only 5 feet tall (and is used to being in the 120s), the addition of weight can feel and look significant pretty quickly. I like being smaller. I like my clothing to fit (much of which aren’t fitting right now). Though I was having a great time eating all of the stuff I wanted to eat, I knew it was not sustainable. I had to reel it in. I just didn’t want to go back to the diet I had been on for the previous 3 years.

Like I said before, I don’t want to struggle with both debt and weight. As I work my way through this debt situation, I can’t, simultaneously, stumble into a weight problem. That’s the reason I included weight loss and maintenance as one of my goals for 2020. Finding a new system – a controlled, but not highly restrictive system – is critical. What was working for me before no longer works. So it’s time to identify a new solution.

For now, I’m going old school. I shook the dust off of the MyFitnessPal app on my phone and have started tracking everything I eat and drink. I’m operating on a 1,200 calorie per day allotment. So far, the calorie counting has been working. When I keep my consumption under 1,200 calories per day, I lose weight. I have been able to enjoy certain foods, while still reducing the pounds.

Additionally, I’m paying attention to not just to my caloric intake, but also how my body is responding to different foods. I think that the premise of The Plan is great; I just don’t think that eating the way that is outlined in the book is sustainable for me. Many of the recipes just don’t resonate with me. I’m looking for sustainability – something that I can subscribe and commit to as a lifestyle.

I’ve also started exercising consistently again. Though I play tennis, I don’t typically play during winter season and my next season won’t be starting up for another month or so. Nonetheless, even when playing tennis, I still need to have a consistent workout habit. I let that fall to the wayside last year, but have now picked it back up.

Was weight loss and/or fitness on your list of goals for 2020? We’re almost a full month into the new year, so how has it gone so far? Which program or approach are you using and how do you like it?

Why You Should Give Men Compliments

January 24, 2020 by tanya

Did you know that today is National Compliment Day? I didn’t. But I like it.

Giving a genuine, well-meaning compliment is such a simple, but powerful, way to not only uplift the spirit of another, but to raise your own vibration level as well. Since today is a day that is specifically designated for this kind-hearted gesture, I thought I ought to delve into the subject a bit . . . from a single girl perspective.

I think we can agree that women are more accustomed to receiving verbal praise than men. The more attractive a woman is deemed to be, the more she is likely to receive flattering comments on a regular basis. If she’s in a city or country in which men generally feel very comfortable expressing themselves to women, she’s even more likely to be a regular recipient of words of admiration.

Women, who tend (I’m not saying we’re all like this) to be less forward with men they know, don’t seem to give nearly as much praise to men and they, themselves, receive. I know I don’t. I’m gracious in receiving them, but I don’t always return each one with another.

Men Don’t Receive Enough Compliments

I don’t have any scientific evidence of this, but I’ve lived long enough to know that men don’t receive enough positive communication from women. In an article from Melmagazine.com, a man is quoted as saying, “Back in December a girl told me she really liked my shoes . . . I’m still riding the high on that compliment.” I’m not an advocate for pandering to anyone – man or woman – but I do believe that honest, kind words go a long way. And I’m happy to dish them out. I can’t recall a time at which I’ve given a man a compliment and it wasn’t met with either pleasant surprise, a very warm smile, enthusiastic appreciation or a return sweet comment.

It’s Good For You

Women can benefit from giving expressing admiration to men. Genuinely saying something nice to someone makes you feel good. When you give a man a compliment – remember, they don’t get them nearly as often as we do – you’ll see the expression of gratitude on his face. You can’t help but feel good about that.

It’s a Great Way To Flirt

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you. He may have wanted to talk to you, but just didn’t bring himself to do it. By you saying something to him – something as benign as, “What a beautiful tie you’re wearing,” he feels that he can now have a conversation with you. In fact, it would be rude of him to not say something to you. At the very least, he should reply with a “thank you” or a “‘’preciate that.” If he has an interest in knowing you more, this is his opportunity to give you a compliment, ask you your name, or begin any other conversation.

When you compliment a man, you’ve opened the door for him to feel comfortable speaking with you.”
~ Single Girl

Last week, I was in the grocery store and passed a good-looking guy as I walked down the tea aisle. I was in a rush and I was there to pick up only 2 things and get out. He seemed to be in a rush, too. However . . . I saw out of my peripheral vision that he did the look back (you know what I’m talking about) after he passed me. I thought to myself, “Hmmmm . . . he’s cute . . . rockin’ his black sweater, black jeans and black Chucks.” I continued to the check-out line.

As I would do in any situation, I turned around to look at the person who stepped into the line behind me in the check out. Guess who it was? Yes, Mr. All Black Everything. When I turned around, I said to him, “I really like your look.” This was true. Remember, I had already been thinking that his all black look was dope. I just hadn’t said anything as I rushed passed him toward the checkout.

His response: I like yours, too.

“NEXT!,” the cashier called out, breaking up our little in-line conversation. I stepped up to check out. He went to the next available cashier. He walked out of the store before I did. When I made it out of the store, Mr. All Black Everything was standing on the sidewalk. Hmmm . . .maybe he’s waiting for an Uber. Nope. He was waiting for me. Long story short: he picked up the conversation and made sure to get my number before we each got into our cars.

I can’t say I was really intending to flirt with Mr. All Black Everything. I just thought he was cute and liked the look he put together for himself. Genuinely. When I had an easy opportunity to tell him so, I did, and it led to a further conversation.

The Kind of Compliments I Give Men I Don’t Know

I’ll compliment men on any number of things. My only rule for my compliment-giving is that it be genuine – that I’m not just saying it to say it. Below are some of my go-to phrases.

“Beautiful shoes.”
“Well, don’t you look dapper.” (Usually if he’s got on a suit or tux or looks like he’s going to a special event.)
“Look at those waves!” (For guys who have low fade haircuts and put effort into having wavy hair. It really matters to them.)
“Beautiful teeth.”
“You smell nice.”

You’ll note that these are acknowledgements of a particular attribute, article of clothing or accessory they’re wearing. None of these statements are bombastic. Grand statements, like “Ooooo, you’re so fine,” or something like that are comments I’m not likely to make without first receiving that kind of comment from him. Though men appreciate being told nice things, those big statements can make them uncomfortable – so uncomfortable that they just don’t know what to say or do. If, for example, you tell a man that he’s “gorgeous” or “stunning,” and he doesn’t find you to be equally as beautiful, he’s not going to know what to say in response. No decent man wants to hurt a woman’s feelings (that’s why some of them just lie and ghost women), so he might feel uneasy in the face of such a lofty statement from a woman.

I’m also cognizant of staying away from behavior that can be classified as “thirsty.” I’m happy to return a grand compliment like that (if I find him to be attractive), but I’m more likely to say something about his outfit or his smile before I’m going to give him an overall “you’re super amazing-looking” kind of affirmation.

However you choose to go about doing it, ladies, be sure to say something nice to someone on this here National Compliment Day. . . and on future days as well. Specifically, consider complimenting a man. They just don’t get lauded enough and it doesn’t cost you anything to share a kind word. If you’re not used to giving compliments to men you don’t know, I encourage you to try it. You’ll feel great and it’ll TOTALLY brighten his day. You might even end up sparking a conversation. You never know where that could lead. 😉

Money Move – A Balance Transfer

January 21, 2020 by tanya

In addition to all of the personal debt I have, my business has a credit card as well. I finally stopped using it when I came to terms with the fact that I was treating it as a crutch. I had ceased my use of personal credit cards, but continued to use the business card. You can find more background on this here, and below you’ll find a small excerpt from what I initially wrote about the card.

 So, the problem here is obvious, right? Though I almost eliminated my use of credit cards on the personal side, I continued to maintain my same old bad habits. I simply narrowed the playing field of stupidity. Instead of being stupid with the credit cards in both my personal and business lives, I just limited the credit card use to the business side.  

 Ah . . . but when you work for yourself and you are the key producer in the business, the business is integrally linked to the person. I make all of the decisions about what money will be spent, when and on what things. I control the credit card.  Though I knew I couldn’t use a personal credit card to get certain things, I could find a way to make it a business expense. I could justify going to Capital Grill for a meeting on the business side. I could justify traveling to another state, staying in a nice hotel, and eating fine food for a business conference. Could the business afford it? No! Could the business pay for it? Absolutely. I had the business credit card.

Though I stopped using the card 5 months ago, and have made over $5,500 in payments since then, the balance is still about $22,000, which means it has only gone down by about $3,000. When I started this journey, the balance was a few hundred dollars short of the $25,000 credit limit. Each month, the minimum payment required is $635. I’ve been paying at least $1,000.

I’ll be able to pay off the high interest balance card and not pay any interest for 12 months.
~ Single Girl

I’m tired of not seeing the balance go down more. This week I applied for a couple of 0% business credit cards for the business so that the $1,000 per month payment can go farther. I ended up getting two cards – 1 from Capital One and another from American Express. I needed to get 2 cards because neither company would give me the full $22,000 that I needed to cover the full balance. Between the two of them, I’ll be able to pay off the high interest balance card and not pay any interest for 12 months.

The American Express card has a balance transfer fee of $300. The Capital One card has no fee. The $300 transfer fee makes great money sense to me because my finance fee for just 1 month with the current card is $493. Over the next 12 months, I should save several thousands of dollars in finance fees.

I’d love to be able to pay off the entire balance within the next 12 months. With my 2020 goal of increasing annual gross revenues in the business by over double, I believe it to be doable. I’m excited about getting this done so I can make more traction in getting that credit card paid off.