Single Girl Slays Debt

Paying Off Tsunami-Sized Debt as a Single Woman

Planner for 2020 – Goodbye Full Focus Planner, Hello . . .

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In November of 2019, I started researching paper planner books. I still use a physical planner because I find value in writing things on paper. I like being able to cross things off of a list. I like being able to turn pages. I also like having both goals, tasks, and schedules all in one place – even if I have those things captured somewhere else digitally as well. There’s something about physically writing something down that feels effective to me. 

I’m still streamlining my organizational system, but my system is currently (and probably will remain) a dual platform system that consists of both digital and paper tools. For example, I use my Google calendar religiously. What appears in my Google calendar also appears in my physical calendar. 

For the 2019 year, I used the  Michael Hyatt’s Full Focus Planner. I committed to using it for a full year and signed up for the annual subscription. With the subscription, I received a new planner every 3 months – one for each quarter of the year.

I like the idea of planning and executing in 3-month timeframes. I think it is a way to add a bit of urgency that may not exist when one is focused only on annual goals. I began to subscribe to this idea when I read the book The 12 Week Year by Brian Moran and Michael Lennington.

Though I like Michael Hyatt’s teaching and his approach to business growth and organization, the Full Focus Planner wasn’t a great fit for me. 

Four Books Is Too Much – Having 4 separate books proved to be more burdensome than beneficial. When I wanted to refer back to something that happened in the prior quarter, I had to go back to that book to locate the note or information. Additionally, with each book, you find yourself filling out all of the annual goal information in order to capture it in each of the different books. 

I Wasn’t Utilizing Many of the Pages – I found that there were a significant number of pages that I just didn’t use. For example, I didn’t need the weekend pages to be as robust as the weekday pages, so I ended up with a lot of blank space on those pages. When you aggregate all of those pages, what’s left is a book that has too much unutilized or underutilized space. 

Setting it Up Each Quarter was Time-Consuming – Each book is a standalone book for the planning and organizing of that quarter. However, each quarter’s activities are based on the annual goals for that year. So, each book has an Annual Goals page at the start of it. And, if you want your planner to be comprehensive, you find yourself re-writing the goals in each of the quarterly planners. If you want to be really comprehensive, you find yourself writing the details of the goal again as well on the Goal Details pages. While I recognize that every paper planner takes some time to organize, set up, and fill in (e.g., dates, days, goals, etc.), doing this repeatedly became more than I was interested in doing. 

Looking for a planner for 2020 was a process that I enjoyed. I spent significant time looking at the various planner types, including written reviews and videos. I considered planners designed for productivity, for women, for entrepreneurs, for big picture goals for how I want to feel, for . . . all kinds of different people and aims. I did a deep dive into the following: 

At the end of my search, I was deciding between the Erin Condren Life Planner and the Ruth Soukup Living Well Spending Less Planner. I spent significant time thinking through what didn’t work for me with the Full Focus Planner and why and what I might need to have my planner be more effective and functional for my needs. 

Ultimately, the design of the Living Well Planner offered both a look and functionality that I thought would be great for me. 


First, I love the beginning section of it that has you distill your goals down to 3 – just 3 – annual goals. I also appreciate that it has you capture a “Motto Statement” and a “Word of the Year” (remember, mine is “focus”).

Second, I like that that entire year is contained in the 1 planner. That means that this 1 book can be used as my personal bible for the year. 

What I also like is that the whole week and all appointments, meal planning ideas and top 3 “must do” items can be seen all in a glance. 

There are also some other cool pages, like the Goal Crushing Pages that have you break down a monthly big goal into smaller, manageable steps and the Project Planning pages which . . . help you plan out projects. 

Lastly, having tabbed months and sticker sheets make me happy as well. 

The planner also comes with Ruth’s Crushing It Central course which walks you through the process of getting the planner set up and becoming familiar with it. I went through the course and found it to be helpful and thoughtful. 

Though I’ve been using the planner and really like it so far, I haven’t utilized all of the page types available. For example, I haven’t used a Goal Crushing or Project Planning page yet (I’m not sure why – I just haven’t.) 

I’ve included a gallery of images from the planner in this post.

What are you using for your planning for this year? How do you like it so far?

Net Worth Statement – Q1 2020

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At the beginning of each quarter throughout this journey, I share my personal financial statement. It displays my net worth.

As I mentioned in my first Net Worth Statement, I have just begun tracking my net worth through this journey.

I’m sooooooooo looking forward to the day that I have a zero net worth!

Some notes: The checking accounts amount includes some funds I’ve reserved for sinking funds. A significant portion of it is reserved for the HOA special assessment I have coming my way.

Some notes:

  • The checking accounts amount includes some funds I’ve reserved for sinking funds. A significant portion of it is reserved for the HOA special assessment I have coming my way.
  • The savings accounts amount is, basically, my “baby emergency fund” (a la Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover), which is accruing interest.
  • The real estate market value figure reflects the value of my property, according to Zillow.
  • I do have life insurance (even though I’m single and do not have children), but it is a term policy, not one with any cash value.
Net Worth Statement – Q1 2020



Though my net worth is negative and will likely be so in the near future, I’m going through this exercise for the practice – to develop the habit of consistently being on top of my full financial situation.

Here are some significant differences between my net worth for Q4 2019 and my net worth for this quarter.

  • My net worth decreased from -$58,360 to -$63,366.
  • My total liabilities decreased by $14,682.
  • My checking account balance went up by $3,951.
  • According to Zillow, the value of my condo decreased by $23,647.
  • Even though my total liabilities went down significantly, the substantial decrease in the value of my condo negated all of the gains I made in my debt paydown.

The median net worth for my age (43) is $59,800. Obviously, I’m far below where I should be. But, that’s the point of this blog, right? I’m in a terrible financial space, totally not where I want to be, but now doing what I need to do to fix it. I’ve committed to being on this journey and, as Jim Rohn says, I’m going to continue to try . . . until. 

If you’re interested in the median for you age range, see below.

  • Age 35 or younger: $11,100
  • Age 35-44: $59,800
  • Age 45-54: $124,200
  • Age 55-64: $187,300
  • Age 65-74: $224,100
  • Age 75 or older: $264,800

I’m showing the median net worth because the mean net worth figures are much higher, since they are skewed by the net worth amounts of the uber wealthy (i.e., the billionaires). We know I’ve got some catching up to do. 

Where do you find yourself, considering the median figures above? How far ahead or behind are you?

January 2020 Budget Breakdown

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I’m heading to Chicago this month.
Photo by Alex Livingston on Unsplash

I feel pretty good about the first budget of 2020. I’ve been preparing a monthly budget consistently for several months now. It is such a valuable exercise. It forces me to be intentional about my decisions and has made me feel much more in control of my money. 

I’ve based the January budget on income of $8,000 this month. 

I use Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar software to do my monthly budgeting. Instead of using the premium version (EveryDollar Plus), I use the free version. The free version doesn’t connect with your bank and credit accounts, so I am intentionally forcing myself to really connect with my numbers, instead of being able to simply drag and drop imported expenditures. This forces me to manually capture every single amount spent each month. 

According to the summary of spending that appears in EveryDollar, here’s how the percentages of planned spending breaks down for the month:

You’ll see that giving (tithe), savings, housing, transportation, insurance, and debt comprise a total of $6,482.02 – 81% of the budget.  A significant chunk of that is going to savings for that beast of an HOA special assessment I have coming due in February (½ of $8,200) and early March (½ of $8,200).

What I pay myself consists of both payroll and shareholder distributions. In determining what I’ll pay myself, I balance the two. (See The Tsunami Situation – Tax Edition, which explains why business owners often split their income between W-2 employee income payroll and distributions as an owner).

Lifestyle – My Lifestyle category allocation this month is a bit higher than usual. I’ve allocated $450 for a trip that I’m taking to Chicago this month to support a friend who is graduating from a professional program. When she invited me to come, she told me that she would pay for my airline ticket and hotel (because she knows that I’m on my debt-free journey).  The $450 I’ve allocated doesn’t include the flight or any hotel expenses. It includes funds for food when I travel as well as a gift (like flowers, dinner or something) for my friend. 

Food – This is also higher than normal (for a few months in the later part of the year, my grocery budget was $100 for the month). I’ve been changing my diet and trying to figure out a sustainable eating plan that will allow me to be at my desired weight without having a bunch of irritation and tension around food choices. I’m eating things I haven’t eaten in years. My aim is to figure out what works well for both my body and my budget. So, some experimentation is required. I’ll share more about this in a later post. 

Sinking Funds – This month I resumed the funding of my sinking funds. Since I had some funds in the accounts, I stopped funding them in the later part of last year. With this being a new year, however, I want to make sure that I have the money I need for what might arise this year. My sinking funds are for the following needs:

  • Home Repairs and Maintenance 
  • Car Replacement/Repairs
  • Gifts
  • Clothing (this is included in the “Lifestyle” category)

I plan to have a great start to the new year!

The Tsunami Situation – December 2019 Debt Report

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Each month, I record the balances on my debt obligations. The amounts shown in my debt report reflect balances as of the end of the previous month. First you’ll see the Table of Debt Slayed. Further below you’ll see my active debts in the Debt Report Table.

“How long should you try? Until.”

~ Jim Rohn

A few notes on the Table of Debts Slayed: 

(1) The Debt Journey Balance column reflects the balance on the debt as of the date that I started to get serious about my debt-free journey – July, 2019. 


(2) I’ve included in the Table of Debts Slayed, the balances I paid off for my 2018 Federal ($3,238) and State ($2,819) taxes, even though I paid them off the month after I learned about the obligation and the debts became due. I’m including them the list because they were significant amounts and were, technically, debts; I just paid them off quickly. I previously had not listed them in my but am do so now. 

(3) In November, I applied for and obtained a debt consolidation loan, which allowed for the payoff of all of my credit card debt. The credit cards listed, except for the Chase card, were paid off through the debt consolidation. Effectively, the debt was re-classified (which you’ll see in the table below) and not actually paid off. 

See the Debt Report Table below for the figures as of the end of December, 2019. It shows the updated order of debts to be repaid.

The difference between my November and December personal debt balance is $1,620.

The difference between my November and December business credit card debt balance is $390.

A few notes about the Debt Report Table:

The Debt Being Attacked

The debt that is highlighted in green is the debt that I’m currently attacking. All additional funds I have available for debt repayment go toward extra payments on this highlighted debt.

Estimates

Any amount that ends in a “0” or “50” is an estimate. Often times, the IRS website does not show updated figures. It will say that “information is not available,” so I make a guess, based on the typical monthly reduction amount. 

Two Payments That (Unfortunately) Go Up Every Month

(1) Internal Revenue Service (2017)

This payment goes up every month because the IRS system will not allow to make payments on both the 2016 balance and the 2017 balance at the same time. It requires that all payments be applied to the oldest balance due. I wanted to make small payments on the 2017 balance so that it wouldn’t go up every month. When I spoke with the IRS, they explained that they don’t allow for that. That is why the 2016 balance goes down, while the 2017 balance goes up by about $64 per month.

(2) Navient Student Loans (Yes, Both!)

The Navient payments for both the Debt Journey Balance and the November balance go up every month because I’m on an income-based repayment plan. The minimum payments under the program aren’t enough to reduce the monthly balance. Once I take down the two IRS debts, I’ll start making payments on the student loan big enough to, at least, cover the interest.

Business Credit Card

I’ve included the business credit card balance, even though I don’t pay that bill out of my personal income. Though the money that pays it comes from the business, I am the personal guarantor of it. So, technically, it’s my debt. Despite the fact that I make a $1,000 payment on it every month, you see that the balance only goes down by just under $400. The APR on it is 22.74%. This month, I plan to do with it what I did with my credit cards and find a low interest business loan or credit card so that I can transfer the balance. I’d like my $1,000 payments to go much further than they are.

In December, the first payment on the Lending Club loan was due. I made additional payments on the loan in November, before the initial payment was due, to honor debt snowball amounts that were allocated for credit card payments for November. In other words, I had additional funds that were supposed to be paid on my debt snowball toward credit cards (because a credit card was the lowest balance and, therefore, was the debt that was supposed to receive the debt snowball extra payment). I didn’t want those funds to get lost in the transition to the consolidated loan. I also made sure to make a payment sufficient to cover the origination fee (the fee was $260).

2020 Goals for Single Girl

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New beginnings are meaningful to me. I love having the chance to reset and to put away the matters of the past with an eye toward the future. Making firm decisions and new commitments can be energizing and inspiring. That was then, we can say to ourselves. This is now. And though the dates we set around these decisions and commitments are pretty arbitrary, there’s something about a definite date that puts a metaphorical line in the sand. June 1, 19 blah-blah-blah was the day that I decided to stop smoking, one might say. Or, the day I turned 30, I made the decision to take control of my life and stop being self-destructive, another might say. Whatever it is, that first step – making the decision – turns on a switch and has the potential to send us in a different, better direction. 

With this being the start of not only a new year, but a whole new decade, I’m really excited about the promises that the future holds. I’m looking forward to intentionally giving this decade of my life a different tone. I’m not on that “new year, new me . . . 20/20 clarity of vision” thing that folks are doing. I know that nothing changes until I do. I’m talking about real change – not just a declaration of the decision to change. I intend to make this year a really strong start. Ten years from now, I want to be able to look back and say that 2020 was the year that things really started to change for me. Quantum leap, amazing changes. 

This year, I’m intentionally committing to less. I’m not doing my usual, which is to have 8-10 goals for the year. That hasn’t worked well in the past for me. I figure I better do something different if I want a different result. 

My Word for the Year

That said, my word for the year is “Focus.” Focus. Focus. Focus. That’s a powerful word for me because I have a tendency to do a bunch of things, while failing to go as deeply into them (and being as successful in them) as I’d like. While I look forward to one day being a person who has multiple, reliable sources of income, I may have subscribed to that a bit too early in my entrepreneurial journey. I think I need to get a one or two things really, really right, then branch off into various other forms of income. I’ve come to terms with the fact that doing something really well takes time – and focus. 

One of my favorite quotes from Warren Buffet is this: “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” This makes a lot of sense to me; I think it is just easier said than done. That would explain why this action applies to the “really successful people” – that world-class level of people who have accomplished more than others.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”

~ Warren Buffet, Gagillionaire American Investor and Money Guy

With “focused” being my modus operandi, below are my specific goals.   

FINANCIAL GOALS

(1) Double revenues generated through business.

With this, I’m referring to top-line gross income, not the income on which I pay personal taxes.

(2) Reduce my total debt balance by $46,000.

This amount is double the amount by which I reduced my debt in 2019. In order to make this happen, significant changes will have to occur. This is definitely a stretch goal for me. I’m inspired by it because I will have to do things differently in 2020 in order to make it happen.

PERSONAL GOAL

My personal goal is to lose 18 pounds, through a habit of exercise (beyond playing tennis) and a sustainable, balanced diet. That would put me at my goal weight of 120 lbs. It takes significant work and sacrifice for me to get to 120 lbs, but I did it at points in 2019, 2018, 2017 and 2016. My aim now is to do it by creating a lifestyle that allows me to maintain it. 

The balanced nature of the diet is important to me because I want to implement changes that are long-lasting. I realize now that my restricted diet wasn’t something that I would be interested in maintaining as a lifestyle. When I was faced with figuring out how to function within the boundaries of both my restricted diet and restricted budget, I started to reconsider why I was continuing to operate under such restrictions. I wasn’t enjoying food anymore. Figuring out what to eat was giving me angst. 

I want to be healthy, look great and feel great. But I want to do it in a way that I can: (1) not have a tense relationship with food, (2) maintain a reasonable budget, and (3) maintain balance (i.e. enjoy food sometimes).

FUN STUFF

Here are 2 “fun” desires that I’m putting out into the universe for 2020 (but not considering an active goal per se):

Go on 2 out-of-state trips with a guy (doesn’t have to be the same guy) that I truly enjoy being with and with whom I have a great romantic relationship.

Have at least 2 spa experiences (either solo or with someone).

Be able to not do any client work the last 2 weeks of the year.

I plan to be rigid, intentional and diligent. Decisions will need to be filtered through the lens of . . . will this help me get closer to my goals?

Don’t new beginnings get you fired up? 

What are your plans for 2020? 

How many goals do you have? (More importantly, have you written them down? I’m sure you’ve heard that they likelihood of accomplishing your goals is significantly higher if you capture them in writing. So, do it. :-))

What will you do differently so that you can actually achieve these goals? 

2019 Recap – What Went Down

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Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash

It wouldn’t be right to move into 2020 without a brief recap of what went down in 2019. 

Debt-Free Decision

I decided to commit to getting debt free and taking the steps – the baby steps – toward accomplishing that. With the amount of debt that I have, it may be a long road, but I took the first step. I came to terms with the severity of my situation and decided to do something about it.  With this decision, I took a position of control. As an example of how out of control things were, earlier in the year, I was so disorganized that I paid $957 in overdraft fees during the period of January through June. That’s insane – $957! But, I turned over a new leaf.

New Awareness

In addition to acknowledging my tsunami situation, I also became aware that I have an “operating system” (this is what my coach calls it) that is keeping me from earning  and building wealth at the level at which I’d like. This means that I have some mindset/limiting beliefs issues that need to be addressed. Since mindset is everything when it comes to success in any endeavor, I will be focused intently on fixing this in 2020.

This means that I have some mindset/limiting beliefs issues that need to be addressed.

~ Single Girl

Romance of a Different Kind

In 2019, I dated in a way that I hadn’t before. Dating Mr. Nice For Now offered consistent companionship and fun dating, without the requirements that I would typically impose on myself if I had the title of “Girlfriend.” That suited me in 2019, but won’t suit me, moving forward.

Ate Some Stuff I Wanted to Eat

I’ve written about being on a very restricted diet. I wrote about how being on a restricted diet and a restricted budget were quite challenging. In late November, I started researching some different eating plans and started experimenting in early December. By the middle of December, I decided that I was going to eat the stuff that I had cut out of my diet for the prior 3 years. I hadn’t had chicken, dairy or regular (i.e. non-gluten-free) bread in over 3 years. I was over it!  I’ll write more about this in a later post, but, suffice it to say, I went HAM on the food and had a great time doing it.

The Budgeting Habit

For years, budgeting has been that thing that I wanted to do (and knew I should do), but didn’t actually end up doing consistently. Dave Ramsey says that it takes about 3 months to get the swing of things with budgeting. I’ve now been doing it consistently (albeit with errors and oversights) for 6 months. I can now say that I’ve developed the budgeting habit. Taking the time to prepare a budget and allocate how funds will be spent throughout the month is such a helpful process – one that I’ve come to really value and consider a critical part of my financial life.

Debt Payoff

Despite not being intentional or focused during the first half of the year, I reduced my total debt by $22,959 in 2019. If I include the Federal and state taxes I owed for 2018 (which didn’t make my debt snowball because I paid them off the month after they were due) and the loan I got from my mom for our family trip, I reduced my debt by a total of $28,610.

Despite not being intentional or focused during the first half of the year, I reduced my total debt by $22,959 in 2019.

~ Single Girl

What makes me most proud about last year is that it is the year in which I started along the road of what I know will be a hugely transformational journey. A life-altering journey. That’s not to sound dramatic; I really believe it to be true.

Goodbye, 2019.

The Manscape – December 2019

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There was a good bit of dude activity this month. I didn’t expect so much to happen over the last 30 days, but it was nice to get out and have some memorable experiences . . . and a couple of surprises.

Whole Foods Joker

The “Make Up”

Last month, Whole Foods Joker and I got off to a bad start and I ended up flipping out on him. Where we left off was him saying that he wanted to make up for his “we missed each other” excuse for his no call, no show shenanigans for the first date we had scheduled. Well, he did what he said he would do. A couple of days after he said that he would set up the spa visit for me, I received a text from him telling me to go ahead and book my massage at the hotel spa that was my preferred choice. 

When I called the hotel, they were expecting my call. The representative at the hotel mentioned that Whole Foods Joker had actually gone into the hotel to make arrangements for the service. This is notable because he took the time and effort to physically do to the hotel (it’s not near his side of town), choose the longer vs. shorter massage offered and pay for it. I appreciated him doing this. After booking the appointment, I sent him the following message: 

I scheduled my appointment. It is not lost on me that you physically went to the hotel to make arrangements. Like I said, I really respect people’s times, so I want you to know that I acknowledge and appreciate both your time and effort. It appears that you really meant what you said. 

His response: Thanks and it won’t happen again. I appreciate you to the max and we just met. You reminded me of a principle that I live by, which is no excuses, no matter what the circumstances when it’s humanly possible! So far I really like you and I have a strong feeling that we’re going to become great friends.

The Birthday

Later that week, I celebrated my birthday. Whole Foods Joker forgot to reach out to me on that day, even though we previously discussed it. After my birthday passed and we were texting, he asked me about getting together during the upcoming weekend. When I mentioned that I had birthday plans for the weekend, he immediately became apologetic for forgetting to reach out to me the day before (my actual birthday). He noted that we had spoken about my birthday a couple of times, so he felt that he was definitely remiss for not remembering to say anything to me on the actual day. “I’ll have to make it up to you again,” he said. 

The next day, I got a call from one of the receptionists at my business club stating that they had “something” there for me.

“Is this something I need to come and pick up today?” I asked. 

“I would,” she responded. 

He sent the bouquet of flowers pictured above.

A Lovely Surprise

Right before Christmas, Whole Foods Joker took me to lunch at my favorite high-end Thai restaurants. It was a cool, relaxed and pleasant lunch. While there, he said that, though he doesn’t want to push in any way, he does like me and wants to continue our communication and interaction. 

He also asked me if I would feel uncomfortable if he gave me a Christmas gift. Totally surprised that he got me a gift, I told him the truth. “I love gifts,” I said. “I’m happy to receive it if you don’t mind that I didn’t get a Christmas gift for you.” He assured me that he wasn’t at all concerned about me not having gotten him a gift. 

The gift was nicely wrapped in a Saks Fifth Avenue box. I opened it to find a bottle of Kilian’s Good Girl Gone Bad perfume in a beautiful white case with a gold serpent’s head on it. I had previously never heard of that perfume, but I love how it smells. It smells fancy and sophisticated. It is now the most expensive bottle of perfume that I have. 

In addition to the perfume, he made a peach cobbler for me to share with my family on Christmas. I thought that was very nice of him. 

One more thing: he mentioned that he has tickets to the Babyface concert in March and invited me to be his date for the show. I told him that I would. At this point, I think it would be fair to modify his name from Whole Foods Joker to simply Whole Foods.

Jameson

On the heels of the cabin trip we did last month, Jameson and I had another wonderful experience this month. About a week prior to my birthday, he asked me to provide him with a few date and time windows during which I’d be able to do some sort of mystery “activity.” 

They mystery activity ended up being a helicopter tour over the city! I was sooooooo excited about it, once we pulled up to the airplane for the private jets, I was delighted that I’ve had the chance to experience something I’ve never experienced.  

The helicopter.

He knows that I love experiences, and he provided a great one that I really enjoyed and appreciated. 

After the ride, we went and indulged in Cadillac margaritas and Mexican food.

Basketball Ex

I got another tremendous birthday surprise when my ex, with whom I haven’t spoken in years, reached out to me. First, I saw a missed call from him on my phone. Then, I saw an email from him. I could tell from the email address he used to reach me that he Googled me to find my contact information. 

Basketball Ex is 6’7”, gorgeous (at least he was when I was with him) and used to play professional basketball overseas. His basketball career ended a couple of years before we got together. 

When we caught up with each other on the phone, he seemed excited to be talking. I was excited, too. It had been a long time since we had a conversation. A girlfriend of mine ran into him at the gym a couple of years ago. And my mom ran into him at Best Buy a few years back, as well. I haven’t seen him since we broke up about 12 years ago. 

He shared that he married and is recently divorced. In addition to the child he had before we got together, he now has 2 more, including a 2-year old. We caught up on how he was doing and how I’ve been over the years. We reminisced and laughed about the great times we had when we were together. 

My favorite parts of the conversation were the ones where he expressed his regret over how he handled our relationship – how stupid he had been when we were together (it feels good when they recognize their foolishness, right?). He said that, though he’s been married, he hasn’t been in love any woman since he’d was in love with me. “I should have married you when I had the chance,” he said. Yes, he should have, for his sake. For mine, however, it’s a good thing he didn’t. 

He asked if we could stay in touch, possibly get together in person and be friends. Of course. I have no ill feelings toward him and no regrets when it comes to our relationship. He was never a bad guy to begin with and it sounds like he’s grown even more spiritually and mentally. I’ve grown as well. The energy between us is good. 


He also stated that he was hopeful that we could possibly see how things might work for us again romantically. I don’t see that happening, but I never say never even if I believe it’s a never situation. He sent me a “Good morning” text on each of the 2 days that followed my birthday. I haven’t heard from him since. That doesn’t surprise me. I think he expected me to be eager about the prospect of possibly getting back together. I was polite, but I don’t think I gave off the “I’m interested” vibe.

Cigar Bar

One portion of the botanical garden display.

Last month, I went to a fraternity event at a local cigar bar. A law school friend of mine is a member of the fraternity and he invites me to their functions. I didn’t feel like going, but a girlfriend of mine has recently been lamenting her lack of male action attention and wanted me to take her along to the event. 

There is no shortage of men in a cigar bar. You know how you go somewhere, you see a bunch of guys in the room, but there’s that one in there that you really want to approach you? The one guy in the whole place that you want? That’s who this guy was. I danced with, made eye contact with, or had flirty exchanges with a few other guys, but this was the cutie pie that I’d hoped would ask me to dance or start talking to me. (As a general rule, I don’t approach men, however, I do try to make sure that I’m very approachable so that they feel comfortable talking to me.) Later in the evening he initiated a conversation, we danced, and we exchanged numbers.

A couple of weeks later, we went on great date at a nice restaurant in the city. After we finished the dinner portion of the date, he suggested that we go to the bar and have another drink. Later that week he made arrangements with me for our next date. 

He’s a good-looking guy and I like his style. Our conversation flowed well during dinner. He was thorough and seemed very genuine when responding to my questions. He was good about throwing them back my way, but not as good about initiating his own. I don’t make much of that because many great guys aren’t so good at that. 

Our 2nd date was last night. We went to see the holiday light display at the botanical garden. It was gorgeous! 

My favorite part of the botanical garden exhibit – lights synchronized to music.

Everything was great until the end. When we were giving each other a goodbye hug, I expected him to initiate a kiss. Instead, he asked me for a “night cap.” We’re the same age, so the use of the term “nightcap” was interesting to me. I associate it with old people and The Love Boat.

“What does a nightcap entail?” I asked. 

“It would be me coming to your place or you coming to mine . . .”

I didn’t listen to the rest of the explanation. I smiled and politely said, “Not tonight.” 

We ended up texting a little bit after we left one another. He said that he went to a lounge that he’d been wanting to visit. He was still there while we were texting. At around 1:43 a.m. the texts stopped. I’m thinking he was looking for someone to handle his nightcap desires for the evening, since I didn’t oblige. It’ll be interesting to see if he asks me out again and how long it takes him to do that.  

Mr. Nice For Now

Mr. Nice for Now has been overseas for about 5 weeks. He returns on New Year’s Eve. He’s been pretty consistent in communicating with me via What’s App while he’s been gone. I was surprised by that, but my friends were not. Though I didn’t expect him to totally go MIA, I didn’t expect him to reach out to me more often while he was away than he does when he’s here. It’s a smart move on his part – making sure to remain in consistent contact. It demonstrates that he’s thinking ahead. Some guys get distracted and get sparse with their communication. Then, when they decide to step up their interaction again, they think that the woman is going to think nothing of his negligent behavior. 

While he’s been gone, I’ve thought about our situation and what I’d like to do about it. Though it suited my purposes for awhile, I don’t think it suits them any longer. Apparently it is serving his purposes because we’ve never spoken about making it any more than what it is. Spending time with someone who I know isn’t a good match for me long-term and with whom I don’t have the best chemistry isn’t working for me anymore. I can direct that time and energy elsewhere. I realize that operating consistently – and we’ve been seeing each other consistently for almost 11 months – with what is “nice for now,” but not what I really want, is sending the wrong message to my subconscious. What I should be focused on is what I truly want, not a temporary placeholder. I mean no disrespect with that statement. It’s just fact. What I should really be focused on is Vortexy Next Dude. 

The Bulldozer

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

The Bulldozer is a platonic friend, so my relationship with him doesn’t qualify as one that should be included in the These Dudes category. Nonetheless, I mention my experiences and relationship with him because he is a man who has consistently been in my life and has been an important part of it.  I value his friendship. In the same way that a father can show his daughter how she should be treated by men, my relationship with my male friends, including The Bulldozer, reinforces some of the ways I should be treated by the men in my life.

What I also appreciate is how, as a friend, he has exposed me to experiences that have been impactful in my life. Though the number of times that we have physically been in the same space is very limited (about 5 times in the last 7 years),  the experiences we’ve had have been very positive for me as a woman. What I mean by that is that his he’s provided experiences for me, as his friend, that some women don’t get from men with whom they are romantically involved. It is helpful for a lady’s psyche and confidence when she has consistent positive experiences with great men – whether on a platonic or romantic level. 

I’d been looking forward to our Vegas trip and it did not disappoint! The Bulldozer wouldn’t tell me much by way of details prior to my arrival, other than that the room he booked for us came with a concierge and that a driver would be at the airport to meet me. 

I received a text indicating that the driver was there at the airport. He helped me get my suitcase from the baggage claim and proceeded to walk me to the stretch Cadillac limousine that he’d be using to take me to the Aria.  

The room was amazing (see pics below)! We had a great time in Vegas. While in the room, we enjoyed chatting and joking with each other. We also got the chance to rest a bit (i.e., we didn’t want to exhaust ourselves by running around the hotel and the city nonstop). 

To show some appreciation without breaking the bank, I had to campaign to get my mom to give me a bottle of Hennessy Pure White that she bought when we were on our of our overseas trips (we get the Pure White because it’s a liquor item that is very difficult to find in the United States). I also went to a high-end cigar shop and bought him 2 cigars for him to smoke with one of his buddies. (If you’re ever looking for a gift that appears to be high-end, but isn’t necessarily so, a cigar is a great option. This is especially true  if you buy it from a fancy store that will put it in a nice bag or wrapping paper. They generally start as low as $10. Even for a man who doesn’t or rarely smokes, it is something he can have for special occasions. I’ve found cigars to be something that most guys can appreciate.)  

My flight arrived about 12 hours prior to The Bulldozer’s, so I had a good bit of time to do with as I pleased. I had to get a couple of emails out to clients, then I hung out with a college classmate of mine who lives in Vegas. We planted ourselves in the Aria lobby, catching up, reminiscing, laughing and drinking. It was a great time! 

Both of us were IN LOVE with the suite we had (you know how I feel about hotels!). In. Love. Not only did it have 2 full bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms (each with an independent bathtub, full closet and separate steam shower), it also had a toilet room with a heated toilet. After sitting on the warm seat, one could spray one’s front or back, and could have the water oscillate while spraying such front or back area. Then, you could turn the dryer on to get rid of the wetness. This toilet was well beyond any bidet I had ever experienced! I want one now. 

Images from the Aria Sky Suite

The Bulldozer and I ordered room service for breakfast in our living room every morning. We went to Top Golf, had the most awesomest sea bass, king crab leg, calamari and steak dinner at Jean Georges Steakhouse, and saw the Jabbawockeez show. We had a blast! We agreed that the experience was great for both of us and for our friendship.

The Power Of The Flip Out

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Photo by Arisa Chattasa on Unsplash

I first learned this lesson while dating in my 20s. When it comes to dealing with men, sometimes you have to flip the fuck out. I mean you must fully come out of your normally cool and calm demeanor and let your inner firecracker loose. You do it for two reasons: (1) to make a point about what you will not allow and (2) to demonstrate that, should the unallowable continue, you’ll have to walk away. The overarching message is that you’re willing to let him go – so much so – that you’ll communicate with him in a manner that he may not deem to be demure or attractive. And you don’t care what he thinks about it. 

Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage?

Fuck your white horse and a carriage

~ Rihanna, Needed Me , Roc Nation, 2014

A few nights ago, I went out with Whole Foods Joker. Not only did he redeem himself by “making up” for his scheduling snafu by getting me a massage at a 5-star hotel spa (more on that in this month’s Manscape report), but he also took us to one of the finer dining establishments in the city for our first date. 

During dinner, he did a whole lot more talking than I did. That’s part of my dating style. I pay attention and I listen well. Men will say a lot if a woman learns to be quiet and listen without judgment. Key words: “quiet” and “without judgment”. You can judge him in your mind, but the more you keep your mouth shut about it in the initial phases, the more you’ll get to learn about who he really is and what he thinks. Once you sprinkle on your judgement, you risk getting the censored, not as authentic version of him. 

The conversation got particularly interesting when we recounted the discussion we had, where I pretty much went bananas on his ass.  Remember? When he neglected to let me know where we were going to meet for our first scheduled date (effectively, a no-call, no-show), he tried to suggest that we missed each other. What he should have done was acknowledge that he had totally dropped the ball. Instead of being “nice” and conceding to what I knew wasn’t true, I told him that it was unacceptable for him to act as if I had something to do with us not getting together. I reminded him that he was the one who told me that we would communicate prior to the time of the date in order to establish the location. I told him that failing to follow through on a date, then not reaching out about it until 2 days after the scheduled date was behavior that was not at all in line with all of what he had been saying to me about how badly he wanted to go out with me and get to know me. I very plainly told him that these were the shenanigans of a teenager, not a middle-aged man. Not making a date or having to cancel a date is not an issue. I’m busy. People are busy. Things come up. I get that and I have no problem with that. But, failing to call or text or anything, then having the audacity to try to partially blame it on me is thoroughly intolerable. 

By the end of the conversation, he came to his senses. He stopped being defensive and admitted that he “blew it.” He apologized profusely and asked for another chance. I agreed. Here’s the text message he sent when we got off the phone.

Hello pretty lady. Just wanted to thank you for your understanding and forgiveness. The way you took over was amazing and I loved it! I’m not making any predictions, but damn, I like your feisty, classy style!! Lol.

~ Text Message, Whole Foods Joker

At dinner, he shared some of the aftermath of that conversation. He said that when he got off the phone with me that day, he said to himself, “That was awesome! I gotta learn more about this chick.” Another word he used to describe it was “refreshing.” I asked him what about the exchange was refreshing.  He said it was refreshing to him because people “don’t do that to him.” 

“People don’t check me,” he explained. Having learned a bit about him by that time in the dinner, I made some inferences about him. Based on my experience with guys like him – men who are attractive, who appear to have some money, and who have confidence – he’s right, they don’t get “checked” very often. Many of them are accustomed to women being tolerant of whatever they do because of the women’s desire to potentially have a romantic relationship with them. 

He was dead wrong in his behavior, he knew he was wrong, and I called him out on it. Even though he tried, at one point, to convince me that I was being rude in telling him about his behavior, he admitted at our dinner that I was firm, but reasonable in how I told him off. 

This is not an unusual response. I’ve generally gotten positive responses from men when I’ve communicated to them that something they’ve done is unacceptable. Or, if I’ve affirmed a standard of treatment that I expect. One might think that a guy would get upset or totally turned off after being confronted about poor behavior. But, I’ve experienced the opposite. 

Whole Foods isn’t the only guy who responded this way in the pre-dating or early dating stages – where the guy did something unacceptable like a no-call, no-show. When I was in my 20s, one guy and I had a date scheduled and he called a couple of hours after the scheduled time of date, acting as if nothing had happened. I proceeded to tell him that I don’t “tolerate that shit from anyone in my life.” He was a good-looking guy who happened to drive a $100,000 BMW and seemed to have no trouble attracting women. After my little spaz out, he was very apologetic, asking for another chance to get together. To make it up, he said, “Lemme take you shopping. Let me get you something.” I liked him and wanted to get to know him, so I let him schedule another date and “get me something.” We ended up dating for several months. He was a great guy and I enjoyed him. I still think very fondly of him. 

Guys know when they’ve done something that was out of line, rude or thoughtless. Though they’ll, initially, act as if they did nothing wrong – or worse – try to make it seem like the mishap is the woman’s fault, they know deep down that they acted improperly. When a woman has the courage to stand behind her standards and require that a man either take ownership of his actions or leave her alone, the guy respects that. He appreciates being with a woman who isn’t a pushover – who isn’t so enamored with him that she has lost all sense of how she should be treated.  

He appreciates being with a woman who isn’t a pushover – who isn’t so enamored with him that she has lost all sense of how she should be treated. 

~ Single Girl

People appreciate boundaries. They may not like them, but they respect the person who has them and stands behind them. Men are no different when it comes to how they view a woman. This is one thing I know, from experience, to be true. 

I also think I’m pretty good at the flip out. I’ve identified 3 key things about a flip  out in order for it to be effective:

(1) It Must Be Rational

When I say “flip out,” I’m not referring to someone being unreasonable or outrageous. You can’t engage in uncontrollable rage-filled, nonsensical squealing. Instead, you must speak facts. “You said X; you did Y. I expected X because you said X, therefore . . . you done fucked up. And that doesn’t work for me.” The tone of the conversation needs to be somewhat matter-of-fact, even though you may be mad as hell. It cannot be about you just spewing comments about your feelings. You also can’t make sweeping generalizations suggesting that he “always” does or “never” does something. It also can’t become a game of name-calling, as if he’s some all around loser. The conversation needs to focus on this particular indiscretion and how his handling of this particular matter is not acceptable.

(2) It Can’t Be A Pattern

In other words, it can’t be that you spaz out all the time over everything. He must already believe you to, generally, be a level-headed, reasonable woman. If you fuss over every little misstatement or error he makes, your flip out will come across as your typical behavior and it won’t be noteworthy. You should be a delightful woman to be around . . . until you’re not.

(3) He Has to Be Attracted to You

I hate to say this, but it’s the truth. If he’s not that into you, your flip out will fall on deaf ears and he’ll view your behavior as just another reason for why he doesn’t really want you. The flip out works best with the man who wants you and is interested in somehow staying connected to you. If you’ve been pursuing this man (i.e., initiating calls and texts or asking him when you’ll see him, instead of waiting for him to ask you out), flipping out on him when he does something disrespectful will likely have the opposite of your desired effect. That’s why I didn’t reach out to Whole Foods Joker when he missed our original date. I waited until he reached out to me a couple of days later – a time when he was seeking out my attention and conversation. If I had called him that Saturday (the day of our scheduled date) to express my disappointment, he probably would have been less receptive to what I was saying because he wasn’t in active pursuit of me at that time. He also admitted at our dinner that one reason he continued to pursue me was that he was really attracted to me and didn’t want to lose the opportunity to get to know me. If a man has only a lukewarm level of interest in you and you reach out to him when he’s not pursuing you, establishing boundaries is useless.

The bottom line is this: the flip out resets people’s boundaries of who they believe you are. It lets them know that, despite what they think they know about you, you can and will become ferocious if need be. Disrespect will not be tolerated. 

When was your last flip out? And what was the result?