Dating

What To Do When He Stands You Up

February 18, 2020 by tanya

Most of us know how it feels to be stood up for a date. Maybe he set a day with you, said he’d follow up with a specific place and time, but you never heard back from him. Or, if he’s a complete jerk; he scheduled the date, time and location with you and neglected to show up at the actual site of the date.

Feelings after being stood up can range from confusion and irritation to full-blown anger. Why’d you ask me out, if you were not going to follow through? If something came up and you couldn’t make it, why not just call or text me to let me know? We’re adults!

Why’d you ask me out if you were not going to follow through? If something came up and you couldn’t make it, why not just call or text me to let me know? We’re adults!

~ single girl

I won’t go into the myriad stupid reasons that guys decide to stand a woman up for a date. This post is not about the psychology behind it; for this subject, I don’t care about “the why” behind this inconsiderate behavior. I only care about “the what” and how to respond to it. For a discussion from psychological experts about this subject, check out this article.

I make no excuses for this kind of behavior. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there, or have the grown up courtesy to let someone know that you can’t make it. I’ve dated enough over my adult life to know that rarely – very rarely – is there some legitimate explanation behind these shenanigans. It’s never been that the guy got into a car accident and was in the hospital at the time of our scheduled date. It has never been that a family member died the day of our date and he totally lost his ability to think or communicate and, thus, couldn’t let me know that we couldn’t get together that day. One time, a guy I was seeing was super late because he saw someone having a medical emergency and he stopped to render aid. Despite those unusual circumstances, he was still able to reach out to explain his delay. And he eventually made it to my house to pick me up for our date that night.

I’m not the type who first assumes there’s a legitimate reason behind his failure to appear. I’m the opposite: I assume that there’s some foolishness behind the situation – that whatever his reason, it’s unlikely to be adequate to me. Again, I didn’t ask you out. You asked me out. You’re a grown man. If you didn’t want to go out, you shouldn’t have asked. If you changed your mind between the time you asked that the time we were supposed to go out, just say so. Don’t be a baby.

There’s only one thing to do when he stands you up – nothing. Nothing at all. You wait. You don’t text him the day after you were supposed to hear from him, asking him if everything is okay (because, again, everything is probably okay). You also don’t call him, going off about how he needs to recognize that no one treats you like that. No.

There’s only one thing to do when he stands you up – nothing. Nothing at all. You wait.
~ single girl

You wait until he reaches out to you again, if he ever decides to reach out again (which he’ll probably do, at some point). If you reach out to him, you risk your message falling on deaf ears. With guys, timing is critical. No matter how important your message, if you convey it when he’s not open to hearing it, you might as well have kept your mouth shut. When you wait until he reaches out to you, you know that he wants to communicate with you. Because he has a desire for you at that moment, what you have to say will more likely be received.

Why will he probably reach out to you? Because he’s a guy . . . and guys do that. He had an initial interest in you and, given that there probably isn’t anything that happened to completely change that between the time you spoke about your date and the actual scheduled time of your date, he still might have that initial interest he had. I think men also like knowing that they can still get the girl they wanted to get. It’s quite an ego boost for a woman to continue to show interest, even when he doesn’t deserve it.

So he stood you up and you exercised patience enough to wait for him to reach out to you again. This was probably done in the form of a casual text message – something along the lines of “Hey, you” or “Hey, stranger.” Any selection of words he uses is formed with the intention of acting as if nothing weird happened between the two of you. He wants to start the interaction with you, pretending that he did nothing wrong and that, if, by chance, you do think he did something wrong, you too will pretend that there’s no issue. Under no circumstance do I advocate going along with his “all is well” charade.

You can either: (A) give him another chance or (B) tell him that, with that one strike, he’s “out.”
~ Single Girl

The question is how you’ll proceed. I’ve identified a couple of potential approaches below. Both involve taking a stance that demonstrates that you’re a high-value woman, that you’re not stupid, and that you’re not desperate for a date – especially not a date with him. Either way, you make your position and standards clear.
You can either: (A) give him another chance or (B) tell him that, with that one strike, he’s “out.” I don’t suggest not taking option 1 unless he does BOTH of these 2 things:

(1) He acknowledges that his treatment of you was disrespectful or, at least, inconsiderate and
(2) He apologizes and conveys some kind of desire to make it up to you (literally, look for words synonymous with “I’ll make it up to you.”)

In the absence of both of those two factors, your best bet is to go with Option B and decide not to deal with him anymore. If he, however, acknowledges what he did and apologizes, the situation may be redeemable. Some guys are so used to dealing with low-value women that they assume that they can treat all women inappropriately without repercussions (because it has worked for them). By requiring considerate treatment, you put him on notice that your standards are not those of the women of his past. He can either respect that, or continue to act a fool – as long as he takes his foolhardy ways elsewhere.

If he won’t even acknowledge what happened, you’ll be on a rough road dealing with him in the future. You do yourself a huge disservice if you allow disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior to go unaddressed. If you do it once, especially early on in a potential dating relationship, you are certain to be repeatedly disrespected in the future.

By not ignoring inappropriate behavior, a woman demonstrates dignity and that she expects to be treated well. I encourage you (and myself) to exercise patience and control over your emotions.

Do nothing. Wait. Be dignified.

The Manscape – January 2020

January 31, 2020 by tanya

This month, one door closed. I expect new ones to open.

No More Mr. Nice For Now

I figured it was coming. I mentioned last month that I’d been thinking a lot about my situation with Mr. Nice For Now and had determined that it no longer worked for me. Though it was fine for the 11 months that we dated, that’s all it was . . . fine. Over that period of time, neither of us ever mentioned advancing the relationship nor did I want to. We enjoyed spending time together, had great dates, laughed and joked and really respected one another. But, there was no fire for me. No real chemistry – physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I could take it or leave it.

I’ve decided that I no longer want to send that message to myself – the it’s okay to tolerate what’s just okay message. I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre. I want to cultivate in my life that which is amazing. In order to start doing that, I am actively making space for I truly want, not just what I can tolerate.

I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre.
~ Single Girl

He returned from his 5-week international trip on New Year’s Eve. He told me that he would be coming back that day, but didn’t provide a specific arrival time. I heard from him on New Year’s Eve night at 9:34 p.m. via text. He asked me if I was planning on going out with friends. I told him I was not.

Him: What are you doing to bring in the New Year?

Me: Some planning for the New Year. If I don’t have a particularly interesting opportunity lol, I’m good with being off the streets on NYE.

Him: Can I be of any interest to you tonight baby?

Me: Sorry, sweetheart. I’m going to be alone tonight. I like having the time to think, prepare and pray the New Year in.

Him: Ok, that sounds productive. Do you have business to attend to tomorrow?

Me: Yes, I’ve got plans for tomorrow. How was your trip back?

My plans for the next day were to continue to do my planning.

Look, I know that exchange sounds some type of way. First of all, I’m weird when it comes to bringing in a New Year. I don’t like to spend that time with someone I know isn’t likely to be in my life that following year. So, for me NYE is either spent alone, with family or with my man – my man – not someone I know who will not be my man. When I mentioned “a particularly interesting opportunity” I was referring to something that’s particularly interesting. To me, that means being on a beach in a foreign country (I once spent NYE in Jamaica on a Ritz Carlton beach and it was amazing!) or being at some awesome 5 DJ, 10-room NYE party. It doesn’t mean having a last minute get together with a guy who didn’t bother to make NYE plans with me before 9:34 on New Year’s Eve! The fuck?

So, it was pretty easy for me to opt to spend the time alone. He told me to let him know when I’d be available to get together. I told him that I would. Though we kept in contact via text, it wasn’t until the 14th of January that I reached out to him to make plans to get together. We were going to go on a date later that week on the 18th. I wanted to tell him in person that our situation wasn’t working for me anymore. After all, that’s the reasonable, grown up thing to do.

In our conversation, it was clear that he expected things to be status quo – exactly as they were prior to his departure. That was a reasonable assumption on his part. It just wasn’t factual. Since I knew that things had changed – because I had changed my position – I called him the next day to deliver the message that I had intended to deliver in person later that week.

I told him that I felt differently about our situation now than I did before he left. “Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “It was cool. It worked. It just doesn’t work anymore.” He said, “Wow! I guess me leaving made a difference.”

Him leaving didn’t make a difference – it just made it easier to leave the situation alone. I told him that it wasn’t about him leaving. It was about me wanting to have a different kind of connection with a person. I told him that this was about it occuring to the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year to say to me, “Babe, you know, I’ll be in Asia kickin’ it for 5 weeks . . . do you want to come out for a week or something?” And, I told him, “It’s about me seeing him sooner than 18 days after he returns from a 5-week trip.”

“I reached out to you the day I got back!” he said.

“I know you did,” I explained. “That was on me. The fact that I was okay with not seeing you for 18 days after you’ve been gone for 5 weeks is what I’m saying. I want a different kind of connection.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” he sighed. “I need a drink.”

Jameson

Jameson is being consistent and is putting on the press. It’s not out of hand or anything; he’s just making it clear that he’d like all of whatever time and attention I’m willing to give to him. He’s said that he’d like to get back together and is, apparently, committed to demonstrating that. Though we have a good time together and have really engaging conversations, getting back together isn’t on my radar at all and I don’t hide the ball about that. He’s aware of this, but insists that he really values our friendship and loves spending time with me.

Earlier this month, he took me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and, afterwards, to see the new Bad Boys movie. The dinner portion was really part of a business transaction. Some time last year, he told me about a business that he wanted to start. Since I encourage people to pursue their ideas and dreams, I suggested that he do something small – like by the domain for it – to move the idea forward. A couple of weeks later, I followed up with him to see if he had made any movement. He had not. Some time a few weeks later, I followed up with him again to see if he had made any progress on his idea. He had not. As is consistent with how he does things sometimes, he had done nothing, so . . . I bought the domain name with the full intention of holding it ransom at a future date. This was all to prove a point to him. Handle your business, dude. Buying a domain name is a super cheap and easy way to start to solidify a project or idea. Eventually, when we spoke again about the idea, I told him that I had bought his domain name and that it would cost him “ a little sumpthin’” to get it back. He recently decided that he was ready to retrieve his domain. I told him that I would take mercy on him and allow the payment to be in the form of a high-end dinner instead of a designer bag or something more costly.

Jameson also came over a couple of times this month bearing gifts. With the first gift, he called and asked me if he could stop by. “For what?” I asked. He said he wanted to bring me something. I had no idea what it was, but he assured me that it would be a short visit.

He showed up with some vegan ice cream that was delicious! But that wasn’t the great part. What he had really come by to do was to show me the video from the helicopter trip he took me on last month. (By the way, I’m soooooo glad we did this prior to the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant. I’m not sure I would have been so comfortable going up in the copter after what tragically happened to them and the others who lost their lives.) What was so sweet was that he had the helicopter company put the video to one of my favorite songs, “Liberian Girl,” by Michael Jackson.

I was in tears as we watched the video together, but didn’t really know why. Was it because the gesture was thoughtful? Was it because “Liberian Girl” tends to make me emotional anyway? Maybe I was emotional because I was on my period. I had no idea. I was just happy. I gave him a strong hug and told him how much I appreciated what he’d done.

Later in the month, he came bearing other gifts. Several months ago, he fixed a couple of things in my house. The projects were handled over a period of days. Since Jameson drinks a lot, he ended up drinking a pretty significant amount of the liquor I had on my bar cart. His consumption was significant enough that he made a point to say that he’d need to replenish it at some point in the future. I didn’t make mention of the alcohol he drank and I certainly didn’t request that he replace any of it. The alcohol was there for guests to consume.

All I knew was that I wasn’t going to replace it. Once the liquor ran out, I would not be buying any more. I didn’t want to put it in the budget. Not having it around would also mean that I’d be less likely to drink it myself.

Fast forward to January – a few months later – Jameson texts me and tells me to choose 4 bottles of liquor. But there was a caveat – only one bottle could be Ciroc.

“Why can only one bottle be Ciroc?” I asked.

“Because you’ll drink Ciroc without me.”

I do a lot of things without you, I thought to myself. He went on to explain that he wanted me to have other liquor options available for when I have guests (again, because I’ll likely drink the Ciroc). The explanation didn’t resonate with me but I was getting 4 bottles of liquor to put on my bar cart. I was willing to comply with the rules.

I chose the following: Ciroc Mango (of course!), Apple Crown, Pinaud de Charentes (a fortified wine made with cognac), and Four Roses Small Batch Whiskey. I like each of the first 3 items. The Four Roses is to have when I have male company (the Apple Crown would work for that, too).

In addition to the 4 bottles I selected, he brought a 5th bottle – a Japanese whiskey. He said it was for whenever he happens to come by.

“So you’re leaving liquor at my house for you?”

“Yes,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. I gave him a look that said, well that’s audacious of you. I think he read the look because he went on to say that he just wants to know for sure that he’ll have something at my place to drink during those times when he comes over. It doesn’t happen regularly, but we do sometimes use his Firestick to binge on some show that I can’t access on mine. Our next binge session is supposed to be Power in a couple of weeks.

A couple of months ago, he asked me if I’d be willing to go on a cruise with him at the beginning of the year.

“It’s possible,” I responded. I don’t spend a lot of time on hypothetical conversations with guys – particularly guys who aren’t my man. So, I didn’t rule out the possibility of going, but also wasn’t going to spend much time talking about it. If it were to become something he was serious about, I’d think about it and consider it more seriously at that time.

Well, here we are at the beginning of the year and he brought it up again. He told me where he’d like to go. I asked him about the kind of experience he wanted to have (so I could see if lined up with the kind of experience I’d likely want to have). I told him that I wanted to have a non-Carnival, non-Royal Caribbean cruise line experience (because I’ve been on both of those) and that I’d heard that Virgin has started an adults only cruise. “Wouldn’t that be dope?” I asked. He agreed.

“I’ll do some research,” he said.

Cigar Bar

I haven’t seen Cigar Bar this month, but we’ve been in contact. We’ve only gone out twice and, despite his nightcap inquiry (most guys would love a nightcap, right?), I like him and want to get to know him better.

He recently moved to my city and, since we’ve met, figuring out where he will live has been a top priority for him. We’ve talked about different parts of the city and he’s kept me updated on different areas he’s considered and places he viewed. When he recently decided to put an offer on a Midtown condo, he shared his excitement with me about that as well.

We were supposed to go on a date last Saturday, but he asked for a raincheck because he was too far behind on his packing. He was moving out of corporate housing and into a hotel, while he waits to close on his new condo.

He said he didn’t want to have “too much to do” the next day and hadn’t gotten enough of the packing done by the time we were nearing our date time. While I totally understand not wanting to have too much to do on a Sunday, the move I would have preferred he had made was to have still gone on our date and just done the packing he needed to do on Sunday. I’m not holding it against him; I’m just taking note that he preferred to have a leisurely Sunday versus hanging out with me on Saturday.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing.
~ Single Girl

Again – I get it. I’m that way, too. There is no one that I’m seeing right now for whom I will totally change my plans or for whom I will have myself jammed up for time. The guy that has me willing to bend over backwards or inconvenience myself significantly is usually the guy who is my boyfriend or is on the track to being that. So, I do understand where Cigar Bar is coming from. But I’m paying attention.

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing. The key is seeing things for how they are, not as how we’d like them to be. That’s why I’m not irritated or mad at Cigar Bar for the choice that he made. I am, however, seeing clearly that he chose his packing over following through on our date.

Whole Foods (Formerly Whole Foods Joker)

We went out to lunch once this month. He asked me to go out another time, but I was focused on some work deadlines and, frankly, wasn’t willing to make the time.

After our lunch, I started to side eye him because of some of the things he said (and didn’t say) at our most recent lunch. I may have said this before, but, I’m pretty aware of what people say, how they say it and what they don’t say. A story he told me at lunch didn’t line up with what he told me when he first met me. As his story unfolded, it became clear to me that he engaged in, at least, a semi lie when he first met me in the Whole Foods. It’s not a total lie, but, given the back story that he told me at lunch, he probably shouldn’t have made the statement when we first met.

I’m still working on the facts of the whole shit (because after I pressed a little, he admitted that he wasn’t telling the whole story and wants to get to know me better before he does), but his approach is wack as hell. I told him as much during lunch. I said, “Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.” He said he would prefer to stop talking about it. Listening to him half tell what happened was getting painful and I wanted him to know that his approach wasn’t working favorably.

Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.
~ single girl

The bottom line: I didn’t like that shit. If you have something in your past that you’re not proud of, just be honest about it and be done with it. Or be quiet. Who hasn’t made a bad decision or done something they wouldn’t do again? Either the person you want to date will be okay with it or they won’t. But, what’s worse is you coming across as a liar or a person whose stories have to be dissected for the truth.
Here’s my other issue with Whole Foods: he comes off as old. He’s a handsome guy. He claims he’s only 55, but . . . I’m not totally convinced. He could pass for 60 to me. Granted, it would be a good-looking, well-dressed, nice-smelling 60, but . . . it’s still 60. I’m trying to get past it, but I’m having a hard time.

The Original Whole Foods

The Original Whole Foods is a guy I dated about 10 years ago. I met him when I was out exercising at a nearby park. He was beautiful. He was jogging and . . . it was like he was moving in slow motion, with his bouncing pecs and biceps glistening with sweat. He stopped jogging to talk to me and ask me for my number.

He was interesting, seemed pretty driven, was physically fit, and was a gentleman. In person and on paper he was my kind of guy. We ended up going out several times and would hang out periodically (since we live near one another), but nothing significant ever came of it. The last time I spoke with him was via text in 2018.

Then, out of the blue, I get a text from him a couple of weeks ago asking if I’d be interested in catching up. I was reluctant at first. What’s his angle? This’ll be a waste of time. Then I remembered, it’s just dinner. Plus, I’ve always enjoyed spending time with him, so . . . it’s whatever.

I told him that I’d be fine with catching up. He said that he’ll be traveling until early February, but that he’d reach back out to set something up. We’ll see.

The reason he’s called the Original Whole Foods is because, after we stopped dating, every time I’d run into him it would be at Whole Foods! One time I was in the bookstore next door to the Whole Foods (this was when bookstores were still a thing) with my boyfriend and he walked up on us and, basically, acted like my boyfriend wasn’t even there. My boyfriend didn’t make a scene, but, afterwards he said, “What the fuck? Does my forehead say ‘I’m a bitch ass dude’?!”

Anyway, ladies, what’s the takeaway here? You can meet single men at the Whole Foods.

Mr. All Black

After meeting at the grocery store (not a Whole Foods), I received a follow up text. Then I didn’t hear from him after that . . . until earlier this week. He apologized for not being in contact and explained that he was grieving the death of his best friend who passed away just after he and I met. Of course, I’m sorry for his loss.

Our communications have been interesting. I say “interesting” in a good way, not in the “hmmm this looks like it could be some garbage, but we’ll see” kind of way. I love how insightfully he communicates and what he’s shared about himself so far. He’s mentioned that he’s abstinent. I think that’s dope. We’ve agreed to talk about it more when we see each other.

Since he’s going to Miami this weekend for the Superbowl festivities, we have a date scheduled for next week, after he returns. I’m looking forward to it.

Whatchu got goin’ on? Any fun dates this month?

The Manscape – December 2019

December 30, 2019 by tanya

There was a good bit of dude activity this month. I didn’t expect so much to happen over the last 30 days, but it was nice to get out and have some memorable experiences . . . and a couple of surprises.

Whole Foods Joker

The “Make Up”

Last month, Whole Foods Joker and I got off to a bad start and I ended up flipping out on him. Where we left off was him saying that he wanted to make up for his “we missed each other” excuse for his no call, no show shenanigans for the first date we had scheduled. Well, he did what he said he would do. A couple of days after he said that he would set up the spa visit for me, I received a text from him telling me to go ahead and book my massage at the hotel spa that was my preferred choice.

When I called the hotel, they were expecting my call. The representative at the hotel mentioned that Whole Foods Joker had actually gone into the hotel to make arrangements for the service. This is notable because he took the time and effort to physically do to the hotel (it’s not near his side of town), choose the longer vs. shorter massage offered and pay for it. I appreciated him doing this. After booking the appointment, I sent him the following message:

I scheduled my appointment. It is not lost on me that you physically went to the hotel to make arrangements. Like I said, I really respect people’s times, so I want you to know that I acknowledge and appreciate both your time and effort. It appears that you really meant what you said.

His response: Thanks and it won’t happen again. I appreciate you to the max and we just met. You reminded me of a principle that I live by, which is no excuses, no matter what the circumstances when it’s humanly possible! So far I really like you and I have a strong feeling that we’re going to become great friends.

The Birthday

Later that week, I celebrated my birthday. Whole Foods Joker forgot to reach out to me on that day, even though we previously discussed it. After my birthday passed and we were texting, he asked me about getting together during the upcoming weekend. When I mentioned that I had birthday plans for the weekend, he immediately became apologetic for forgetting to reach out to me the day before (my actual birthday). He noted that we had spoken about my birthday a couple of times, so he felt that he was definitely remiss for not remembering to say anything to me on the actual day. “I’ll have to make it up to you again,” he said.

The next day, I got a call from one of the receptionists at my business club stating that they had “something” there for me.

“Is this something I need to come and pick up today?” I asked.

“I would,” she responded.

He sent the bouquet of flowers pictured above.

A Lovely Surprise

Right before Christmas, Whole Foods Joker took me to lunch at my favorite high-end Thai restaurants. It was a cool, relaxed and pleasant lunch. While there, he said that, though he doesn’t want to push in any way, he does like me and wants to continue our communication and interaction.

He also asked me if I would feel uncomfortable if he gave me a Christmas gift. Totally surprised that he got me a gift, I told him the truth. “I love gifts,” I said. “I’m happy to receive it if you don’t mind that I didn’t get a Christmas gift for you.” He assured me that he wasn’t at all concerned about me not having gotten him a gift.

The gift was nicely wrapped in a Saks Fifth Avenue box. I opened it to find a bottle of Kilian’s Good Girl Gone Bad perfume in a beautiful white case with a gold serpent’s head on it. I had previously never heard of that perfume, but I love how it smells. It smells fancy and sophisticated. It is now the most expensive bottle of perfume that I have.

In addition to the perfume, he made a peach cobbler for me to share with my family on Christmas. I thought that was very nice of him.

One more thing: he mentioned that he has tickets to the Babyface concert in March and invited me to be his date for the show. I told him that I would. At this point, I think it would be fair to modify his name from Whole Foods Joker to simply Whole Foods.

Jameson

On the heels of the cabin trip we did last month, Jameson and I had another wonderful experience this month. About a week prior to my birthday, he asked me to provide him with a few date and time windows during which I’d be able to do some sort of mystery “activity.”

They mystery activity ended up being a helicopter tour over the city! I was sooooooo excited about it, once we pulled up to the airplane for the private jets, I was delighted that I’ve had the chance to experience something I’ve never experienced.

He knows that I love experiences, and he provided a great one that I really enjoyed and appreciated.

After the ride, we went and indulged in Cadillac margaritas and Mexican food.

Basketball Ex

I got another tremendous birthday surprise when my ex, with whom I haven’t spoken in years, reached out to me. First, I saw a missed call from him on my phone. Then, I saw an email from him. I could tell from the email address he used to reach me that he Googled me to find my contact information.

Basketball Ex is 6’7”, gorgeous (at least he was when I was with him) and used to play professional basketball overseas. His basketball career ended a couple of years before we got together.

When we caught up with each other on the phone, he seemed excited to be talking. I was excited, too. It had been a long time since we had a conversation. A girlfriend of mine ran into him at the gym a couple of years ago. And my mom ran into him at Best Buy a few years back, as well. I haven’t seen him since we broke up about 12 years ago.

He shared that he married and is recently divorced. In addition to the child he had before we got together, he now has 2 more, including a 2-year old. We caught up on how he was doing and how I’ve been over the years. We reminisced and laughed about the great times we had when we were together.

My favorite parts of the conversation were the ones where he expressed his regret over how he handled our relationship – how stupid he had been when we were together (it feels good when they recognize their foolishness, right?). He said that, though he’s been married, he hasn’t been in love any woman since he’d was in love with me. “I should have married you when I had the chance,” he said. Yes, he should have, for his sake. For mine, however, it’s a good thing he didn’t.

He asked if we could stay in touch, possibly get together in person and be friends. Of course. I have no ill feelings toward him and no regrets when it comes to our relationship. He was never a bad guy to begin with and it sounds like he’s grown even more spiritually and mentally. I’ve grown as well. The energy between us is good.

He also stated that he was hopeful that we could possibly see how things might work for us again romantically. I don’t see that happening, but I never say never even if I believe it’s a never situation. He sent me a “Good morning” text on each of the 2 days that followed my birthday. I haven’t heard from him since. That doesn’t surprise me. I think he expected me to be eager about the prospect of possibly getting back together. I was polite, but I don’t think I gave off the “I’m interested” vibe.

Cigar Bar

One portion of the botanical garden display.

Last month, I went to a fraternity event at a local cigar bar. A law school friend of mine is a member of the fraternity and he invites me to their functions. I didn’t feel like going, but a girlfriend of mine has recently been lamenting her lack of male action attention and wanted me to take her along to the event.

There is no shortage of men in a cigar bar. You know how you go somewhere, you see a bunch of guys in the room, but there’s that one in there that you really want to approach you? The one guy in the whole place that you want? That’s who this guy was. I danced with, made eye contact with, or had flirty exchanges with a few other guys, but this was the cutie pie that I’d hoped would ask me to dance or start talking to me. (As a general rule, I don’t approach men, however, I do try to make sure that I’m very approachable so that they feel comfortable talking to me.) Later in the evening he initiated a conversation, we danced, and we exchanged numbers.

A couple of weeks later, we went on great date at a nice restaurant in the city. After we finished the dinner portion of the date, he suggested that we go to the bar and have another drink. Later that week he made arrangements with me for our next date.

He’s a good-looking guy and I like his style. Our conversation flowed well during dinner. He was thorough and seemed very genuine when responding to my questions. He was good about throwing them back my way, but not as good about initiating his own. I don’t make much of that because many great guys aren’t so good at that.

Our 2nd date was last night. We went to see the holiday light display at the botanical garden. It was gorgeous!

My favorite part of the botanical garden exhibit – lights synchronized to music.

Everything was great until the end. When we were giving each other a goodbye hug, I expected him to initiate a kiss. Instead, he asked me for a “night cap.” We’re the same age, so the use of the term “nightcap” was interesting to me. I associate it with old people and The Love Boat.

“What does a nightcap entail?” I asked.

“It would be me coming to your place or you coming to mine . . .”

I didn’t listen to the rest of the explanation. I smiled and politely said, “Not tonight.”

We ended up texting a little bit after we left one another. He said that he went to a lounge that he’d been wanting to visit. He was still there while we were texting. At around 1:43 a.m. the texts stopped. I’m thinking he was looking for someone to handle his nightcap desires for the evening, since I didn’t oblige. It’ll be interesting to see if he asks me out again and how long it takes him to do that.

Mr. Nice For Now

Mr. Nice for Now has been overseas for about 5 weeks. He returns on New Year’s Eve. He’s been pretty consistent in communicating with me via What’s App while he’s been gone. I was surprised by that, but my friends were not. Though I didn’t expect him to totally go MIA, I didn’t expect him to reach out to me more often while he was away than he does when he’s here. It’s a smart move on his part – making sure to remain in consistent contact. It demonstrates that he’s thinking ahead. Some guys get distracted and get sparse with their communication. Then, when they decide to step up their interaction again, they think that the woman is going to think nothing of his negligent behavior.

While he’s been gone, I’ve thought about our situation and what I’d like to do about it. Though it suited my purposes for awhile, I don’t think it suits them any longer. Apparently it is serving his purposes because we’ve never spoken about making it any more than what it is. Spending time with someone who I know isn’t a good match for me long-term and with whom I don’t have the best chemistry isn’t working for me anymore. I can direct that time and energy elsewhere. I realize that operating consistently – and we’ve been seeing each other consistently for almost 11 months – with what is “nice for now,” but not what I really want, is sending the wrong message to my subconscious. What I should be focused on is what I truly want, not a temporary placeholder. I mean no disrespect with that statement. It’s just fact. What I should really be focused on is Vortexy Next Dude.

The Bulldozer

The Bulldozer is a platonic friend, so my relationship with him doesn’t qualify as one that should be included in the These Dudes category. Nonetheless, I mention my experiences and relationship with him because he is a man who has consistently been in my life and has been an important part of it. I value his friendship. In the same way that a father can show his daughter how she should be treated by men, my relationship with my male friends, including The Bulldozer, reinforces some of the ways I should be treated by the men in my life.

What I also appreciate is how, as a friend, he has exposed me to experiences that have been impactful in my life. Though the number of times that we have physically been in the same space is very limited (about 5 times in the last 7 years), the experiences we’ve had have been very positive for me as a woman. What I mean by that is that his he’s provided experiences for me, as his friend, that some women don’t get from men with whom they are romantically involved. It is helpful for a lady’s psyche and confidence when she has consistent positive experiences with great men – whether on a platonic or romantic level.

I’d been looking forward to our Vegas trip and it did not disappoint! The Bulldozer wouldn’t tell me much by way of details prior to my arrival, other than that the room he booked for us came with a concierge and that a driver would be at the airport to meet me.

I received a text indicating that the driver was there at the airport. He helped me get my suitcase from the baggage claim and proceeded to walk me to the stretch Cadillac limousine that he’d be using to take me to the Aria.

The room was amazing (see pics below)! We had a great time in Vegas. While in the room, we enjoyed chatting and joking with each other. We also got the chance to rest a bit (i.e., we didn’t want to exhaust ourselves by running around the hotel and the city nonstop).

To show some appreciation without breaking the bank, I had to campaign to get my mom to give me a bottle of Hennessy Pure White that she bought when we were on our of our overseas trips (we get the Pure White because it’s a liquor item that is very difficult to find in the United States). I also went to a high-end cigar shop and bought him 2 cigars for him to smoke with one of his buddies. (If you’re ever looking for a gift that appears to be high-end, but isn’t necessarily so, a cigar is a great option. This is especially true if you buy it from a fancy store that will put it in a nice bag or wrapping paper. They generally start as low as $10. Even for a man who doesn’t or rarely smokes, it is something he can have for special occasions. I’ve found cigars to be something that most guys can appreciate.)

My flight arrived about 12 hours prior to The Bulldozer’s, so I had a good bit of time to do with as I pleased. I had to get a couple of emails out to clients, then I hung out with a college classmate of mine who lives in Vegas. We planted ourselves in the Aria lobby, catching up, reminiscing, laughing and drinking. It was a great time!

Both of us were IN LOVE with the suite we had (you know how I feel about hotels!). In. Love. Not only did it have 2 full bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms (each with an independent bathtub, full closet and separate steam shower), it also had a toilet room with a heated toilet. After sitting on the warm seat, one could spray one’s front or back, and could have the water oscillate while spraying such front or back area. Then, you could turn the dryer on to get rid of the wetness. This toilet was well beyond any bidet I had ever experienced! I want one now.

The Bulldozer and I ordered room service for breakfast in our living room every morning. We went to Top Golf, had the most awesomest sea bass, king crab leg, calamari and steak dinner at Jean Georges Steakhouse, and saw the Jabbawockeez show. We had a blast! We agreed that the experience was great for both of us and for our friendship.

So Not Sexy Side Hustle

November 13, 2019 by tanya

A few months ago, an older gentleman who is a fellow real estate agent at my broker’s office asked me if he could connect me with his son whom he needed “to get married off.” He asked me for my card. I gave it to him. I thought nothing else of it.

Audio version of this post, read by the author.

Later that week, I received a call from “the son.” He asked me if I knew who he was. I didn’t. I just knew him as the son of the real estate agent guy. As it turns out, the son was a man who had tried to get me to go out with him before. Somehow, we were Facebook friends and had communicated via Facebook Messenger periodically over the years. Whenever he asked me out, I was either in a relationship or just wasn’t interested. This time, influenced by my colleague’s relationship to the man, I finally agreed to go out with him.

We had lunch at a hip little Mexican place in a popular development in Midtown. I really pay attention to people and I’m a great listener. By the end of the date, I knew a whole lot more about this guy than he did about me. I let him ramble on and on (he was the most ramblin’ ass dude I’ve been out with in a while), made appropriate comments, and asked sensible questions. He told me about himself, his kids, his job and even about his father (like the fact that his father had murdered someone, served time in prison and was later pardoned).

I’m not suggesting that people be dishonest when first meeting a potential romantic partner; I’m suggesting that folks not lead with their shit.
~ Single Girl

In conversations that we had during the date and afterwards, he mentioned more than once his challenges with not making much money. He’s a professor at a local university and, apparently, it isn’t particularly lucrative. In a post-date conversation – one in which I eventually told him that I didn’t think we were a good fit – he reiterated that he doesn’t make much money. It got to the point where I said to him, “You’ve mentioned a few times that money is a challenge. Are you in the position to be dating right now?” His response was . . . interesting.

“Well, you know,” he said, “I do things on the side . . . I donate plasma ‘n’ stuff.”

[Record scratch.]

Plasma?! I’ve never had someone say out of their mouth to me that plasma donation was their side hustle. On the one hand, I was curious about how much it pays. On the other hand, I used his statement as confirmation of his deficient ass dating skills. He didn’t even realize that he shouldn’t have mentioned the plasma-donating proclivity to a girl he just met.

The reason he shouldn’t have mentioned his proneness to plasma is for the same reason that no one should remark upon their various issues too early on in a dating situation. Of course, we all have issues. Every grown up knows that. It is rarely a good dating approach, however, to put all of one’s issues on the table right away. We should parse out those not so sexy parts of us; there’s no need to overwhelm someone with them prematurely. I’m not suggesting that people be dishonest when first meeting a potential romantic partner; I’m suggesting that folks not lead with their shit.

In our one date and subsequent conversations, this guy had already demonstrated other qualities that I didn’t like. He spoke incessantly (that’s how we left the date with him having learned almost nothing about me and me learning a lot about him) and he asked questions that demonstrated an unusual need for reassurance. He also rudely interrupted (and he admitted that this is a bad habit of his) the relatively few sentences I spoke in conversation with him. So his mention of the plasma donation side hustle just added to the list of reasons that I didn’t think very highly of him. It’s not the fact that he donates plasma. It’s that it’s not a sexy side hustle and he brought it up before I got a chance to learn about the good things about him – the things that I might actually like. When you meet someone and get the chance to experience the qualities that you appreciate, when you later learn things about them that aren’t as attractive, those unattractive qualities can be balanced or tempered against all that you’ve learned to like about the person.

Let’s not act like some side hustles aren’t sexier than others. Here’s some quick comparisons to consider:

“I trade ForEx on the side.” vs. “I deliver for Jersey Mike’s.”

“I prepare tax returns.” vs. “I have a GoFundMe page.”

“I do math tutoring via Zoom.” vs. “I recharge electric scooters.”

“I do personal chef services for busy families in my neighborhood.” vs. “I’m a stripper.’” (It would seem that the stripper one would be sexy but, interestingly, many of us don’t mind watching strippers, but would prefer to not date one.)

“I manage social media for small businesses.” vs. “I donate plasma.”

It seems that it’s usually the side hustles that require skills or have the potential to produce higher-than-average income that have greater appeal. But that’s an aside.

I’m sure there are a bunch of guys around here donating sperm, blood and plasma for money. Women, likewise, are offering their bodily fluids, eggs and whole uteruses for dollars. And let’s not act like people aren’t out here, literally, selling sex. To be clear: I’m not knocking anybody’s hustle. I’m merely suggesting that – for someone who is dating – a little bit of discretion be exercised in communicating about those not so sexy side hustles.

When you’ve gotten to know your significant other, it’s not a big deal if they pass gas or burp in your presence. If they did that on the first or second date, however, you wouldn’t think it was cool. You’d think it was rude and you’d be unimpressed that they didn’t exercise more courtesy with you.

Paying an electric bill for your girlfriend is a non-issue when you’ve developed a relationship with her. Were she to ask you to pay one of her bills on a first, second or third date you’d be thoroughly turned off. (If you’re saying to yourself, “Where they do that at?” let me assure you that I’ve heard several men in this city complain of the forwardness of women with whom they’ve gone on dates. As odd a request that is to me, apparently, it’s not that unusual.)

Having the person you like tell you that they have herpes would likely be more palatable after you’ve had a few dates versus learning about that at the beginning, before you’ve even had the chance to see if you’re into them.

In each scenario, we’re dealing with the same action, just executed at a different time. And timing does matter.

I’m not making a commentary on bodily functions, venereal diseases or bills needed to be paid. I’m strictly talking about what is sexy and what is not. While sexiness is, obviously, is in the eye of the beholder, I think it is fair to say that some shit is universally not sexy.

I don’t care what anyone says; there’s nothing sexy about a man talking about how he’s so broke that he needs to (not used to, but continues to) donate plasma – as a middle aged man. There’s nothing sexy about any one – man or woman – being broke as an adult. Period. But many of us are broke and in debt – including me – and I have enough dating IQ to know not to lead with my six figures of student loan debt and the back taxes that I owe. There’s more to me than my debt. And, this debt is temporary. I have other amazing qualities that I can present first.

Does this mean that I’d hide it or flat out lie if asked directly about it? No, I wouldn’t. I’m just going to first focus on learning about the other person and letting them get to know about me. Do we even like being around each other? Do we have high-quality conversations? Do we appreciate each other’s energy? Do we have any chemistry? If these factors don’t exist, we won’t even need to bother getting to the point of learning about the negative stuff.

The bottom line is that if the hustle is an honest one, there should be no stigma or judgment attached to it. Intellectually, I don’t think there should ever be shame in the making a bona fide living. But, there’s a difference between what should be and what actually is. And the reality is that I have the right to not be turned on by how you make your money and someone could opt to feel the same about me.

Fundamentally, what matters most to me when evaluating a potential mate (from a financial perspective) are his philosophies on money, his work ethic and what his overall vision for his life is. Yet . . . let me be real. . . will I, at this age, seriously date a broke man? It’s unlikely. Broke doesn’t turn me on. Chris Rock said it the best in Kill The Messenger:

. . . When it comes to women and money . . . nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There is something about a woman reaching for her wallet that just dries up the vagina. It’s almost like the wallet is sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy of getting wet for.
~ Chris Rock, Kill the Messenger

Mr. Plasma was both basic and broke. He didn’t have a chance.