Most of us know how it feels to be stood up for a date. Maybe he set a day with you, said he’d follow up with a specific place and time, but you never heard back from him. Or, if he’s a complete jerk; he scheduled the date, time and location with you and neglected to show up at the actual site of the date.
Feelings after being stood up can range from confusion and irritation to full-blown anger. Why’d you ask me out, if you were not going to follow through? If something came up and you couldn’t make it, why not just call or text me to let me know? We’re adults!
Why’d you ask me out if you were not going to follow through? If something came up and you couldn’t make it, why not just call or text me to let me know? We’re adults!
~ single girl
I won’t go into the myriad stupid reasons that guys decide to stand a woman up for a date. This post is not about the psychology behind it; for this subject, I don’t care about “the why” behind this inconsiderate behavior. I only care about “the what” and how to respond to it. For a discussion from psychological experts about this subject, check out this article.
I make no excuses for this kind of behavior. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there, or have the grown up courtesy to let someone know that you can’t make it. I’ve dated enough over my adult life to know that rarely – very rarely – is there some legitimate explanation behind these shenanigans. It’s never been that the guy got into a car accident and was in the hospital at the time of our scheduled date. It has never been that a family member died the day of our date and he totally lost his ability to think or communicate and, thus, couldn’t let me know that we couldn’t get together that day. One time, a guy I was seeing was super late because he saw someone having a medical emergency and he stopped to render aid. Despite those unusual circumstances, he was still able to reach out to explain his delay. And he eventually made it to my house to pick me up for our date that night.
I’m not the type who first assumes there’s a legitimate reason behind his failure to appear. I’m the opposite: I assume that there’s some foolishness behind the situation – that whatever his reason, it’s unlikely to be adequate to me. Again, I didn’t ask you out. You asked me out. You’re a grown man. If you didn’t want to go out, you shouldn’t have asked. If you changed your mind between the time you asked that the time we were supposed to go out, just say so. Don’t be a baby.
There’s only one thing to do when he stands you up – nothing. Nothing at all. You wait. You don’t text him the day after you were supposed to hear from him, asking him if everything is okay (because, again, everything is probably okay). You also don’t call him, going off about how he needs to recognize that no one treats you like that. No.
There’s only one thing to do when he stands you up – nothing. Nothing at all. You wait.
~ single girl
You wait until he reaches out to you again, if he ever decides to reach out again (which he’ll probably do, at some point). If you reach out to him, you risk your message falling on deaf ears. With guys, timing is critical. No matter how important your message, if you convey it when he’s not open to hearing it, you might as well have kept your mouth shut. When you wait until he reaches out to you, you know that he wants to communicate with you. Because he has a desire for you at that moment, what you have to say will more likely be received.
Why will he probably reach out to you? Because he’s a guy . . . and guys do that. He had an initial interest in you and, given that there probably isn’t anything that happened to completely change that between the time you spoke about your date and the actual scheduled time of your date, he still might have that initial interest he had. I think men also like knowing that they can still get the girl they wanted to get. It’s quite an ego boost for a woman to continue to show interest, even when he doesn’t deserve it.
So he stood you up and you exercised patience enough to wait for him to reach out to you again. This was probably done in the form of a casual text message – something along the lines of “Hey, you” or “Hey, stranger.” Any selection of words he uses is formed with the intention of acting as if nothing weird happened between the two of you. He wants to start the interaction with you, pretending that he did nothing wrong and that, if, by chance, you do think he did something wrong, you too will pretend that there’s no issue. Under no circumstance do I advocate going along with his “all is well” charade.
You can either: (A) give him another chance or (B) tell him that, with that one strike, he’s “out.”
~ Single Girl
The question is how you’ll proceed. I’ve identified a couple of potential approaches below. Both involve taking a stance that demonstrates that you’re a high-value woman, that you’re not stupid, and that you’re not desperate for a date – especially not a date with him. Either way, you make your position and standards clear.
You can either: (A) give him another chance or (B) tell him that, with that one strike, he’s “out.” I don’t suggest not taking option 1 unless he does BOTH of these 2 things:
- (1) He acknowledges that his treatment of you was disrespectful or, at least, inconsiderate and
- (2) He apologizes and conveys some kind of desire to make it up to you (literally, look for words synonymous with “I’ll make it up to you.”)
In the absence of both of those two factors, your best bet is to go with Option B and decide not to deal with him anymore. If he, however, acknowledges what he did and apologizes, the situation may be redeemable. Some guys are so used to dealing with low-value women that they assume that they can treat all women inappropriately without repercussions (because it has worked for them). By requiring considerate treatment, you put him on notice that your standards are not those of the women of his past. He can either respect that, or continue to act a fool – as long as he takes his foolhardy ways elsewhere.
If he won’t even acknowledge what happened, you’ll be on a rough road dealing with him in the future. You do yourself a huge disservice if you allow disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior to go unaddressed. If you do it once, especially early on in a potential dating relationship, you are certain to be repeatedly disrespected in the future.
By not ignoring inappropriate behavior, a woman demonstrates dignity and that she expects to be treated well. I encourage you (and myself) to exercise patience and control over your emotions.
Do nothing. Wait. Be dignified.