The Manscape

This month, one door closed.  I expect new ones to open.

No More Mr. Nice For Now

I figured it was coming. I mentioned last month that I’d been thinking a lot about my situation with Mr. Nice For Now and had determined that it no longer worked for me. Though it was fine for the 11 months that we dated, that’s all it was . . . fine. Over that period of time, neither of us ever mentioned advancing the relationship nor did I want to. We enjoyed spending time together, had great dates, laughed and joked and really respected one another. But, there was no fire for me. No real chemistry – physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I could take it or leave it. 

I’ve decided that I no longer want to send that message to myself – the it’s okay to tolerate what’s just okay message. I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre. I want to cultivate in my life that which is amazing. In order to start doing that, I am actively making space for I truly want, not just what I can tolerate. 

I want better than okay. I’m ready to move toward good, and great, and extraordinary. I won’t get there if I stay in the mediocre.

~ Single Girl

He returned from his 5-week international trip on New Year’s Eve. He told me that he would be coming back that day, but didn’t provide a specific arrival time. I heard from him on New Year’s Eve night at 9:34 p.m. via text. He asked me if I was planning on going out with friends. I told him I was not. 

Him: What are you doing to bring in the New Year?

Me: Some planning for the New Year. If I don’t have a particularly interesting opportunity lol, I’m good with being off the streets on NYE.

Him: Can I be of any interest to you tonight baby?

Me: Sorry, sweetheart. I’m going to be alone tonight. I like having the time to think, prepare and pray the New Year in.

Him: Ok, that sounds productive. Do you have business to attend to tomorrow?

Me: Yes, I’ve got plans for tomorrow. How was your trip back?

My plans for the next day were to continue to do my planning. 

Look, I know that exchange sounds some type of way. First of all, I’m weird when it comes to bringing in a New Year. I don’t like to spend that time with someone I know isn’t likely to be in my life that following year. So, for me NYE is either spent alone, with family or with my man – my man – not someone I know who will not be my man. When I mentioned “a particularly interesting opportunity” I was referring to something that’s particularly interesting. To me, that means being on a beach in a foreign country (I once spent NYE in Jamaica on a Ritz Carlton beach and it was amazing!) or being at some awesome 5 DJ, 10-room NYE party. It doesn’t mean having a last minute get together with a guy who didn’t bother to make NYE plans with me before 9:34 on New Year’s Eve! The fuck? 

So, it was pretty easy for me to opt to spend the time alone. He told me to let him know when I’d be available to get together. I told him that I would. Though we kept in contact via text, it wasn’t until the 14th of January that I reached out to him to make plans to get together. We were going to go on a date later that week on the 18th. I wanted to tell him in person that our situation wasn’t working for me anymore. After all, that’s the reasonable, grown up thing to do. 

In our conversation, it was clear that he expected things to be status quo – exactly as they were prior to his departure. That was a reasonable assumption on his part. It just wasn’t factual. Since I knew that things had changed – because I had changed my position – I called him the next day to deliver the message that I had intended to deliver in person later that week. 

I told him that I felt differently about our situation now than I did before he left. “Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “It was cool. It worked. It just doesn’t work anymore.” He said, “Wow! I guess me leaving made a difference.” 

Him leaving didn’t make a difference – it just made it easier to leave the situation alone. I told him that it wasn’t about him leaving. It was about me wanting to have a different kind of connection with a person. I told him that this was about it occuring to the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year to say to me, “Babe, you know, I’ll be in Asia kickin’ it for 5 weeks . . . do you want to come out for a week or something?” And, I told him, “It’s about me seeing him sooner than 18 days after he returns from a 5-week trip.” 

Look, I know that exchange sounds some type of way. First of all, I’m weird when it comes to bringing in a New Year. I don’t like to spend that time with someone I know isn’t likely to be in my life that following year. So, for me NYE is either spent alone, with family or with my man – my man – not someone I know who will not be my man. When I mentioned “a particularly interesting opportunity” I was referring to something that’s particularly interesting. To me, that means being on a beach in a foreign country (I once spent NYE in Jamaica on a Ritz Carlton beach and it was amazing!) or being at some awesome 5 DJ, 10-room NYE party. It doesn’t mean having a last minute get together with a guy who didn’t bother to make NYE plans with me before 9:34 on New Year’s Eve! The fuck? 

So, it was pretty easy for me to opt to spend the time alone. He told me to let him know when I’d be available to get together. I told him that I would. Though we kept in contact via text, it wasn’t until the 14th of January that I reached out to him to make plans to get together. We were going to go on a date later that week on the 18th. I wanted to tell him in person that our situation wasn’t working for me anymore. After all, that’s the reasonable, grown up thing to do. 

In our conversation, it was clear that he expected things to be status quo – exactly as they were prior to his departure. That was a reasonable assumption on his part. It just wasn’t factual. Since I knew that things had changed – because I had changed my position – I called him the next day to deliver the message that I had intended to deliver in person later that week. 

I told him that I felt differently about our situation now than I did before he left. “Don’t get me wrong,” I said, “It was cool. It worked. It just doesn’t work anymore.” He said, “Wow! I guess me leaving made a difference.” 

Him leaving didn’t make a difference – it just made it easier to leave the situation alone. I told him that it wasn’t about him leaving. It was about me wanting to have a different kind of connection with a person. I told him that this was about it occuring to the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year to say to me, “Babe, you know, I’ll be in Asia kickin’ it for 5 weeks . . . do you want to come out for a week or something?” And, I told him, “It’s about me seeing him sooner than 18 days after he returns from a 5-week trip.” 

“I reached out to you the day I got back!” he said.

“I know you did,” I explained. “That was on me. The fact that I was okay with not seeing you for 18 days after you’ve been gone for 5 weeks is what I’m saying. I want a different kind of connection.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” he sighed. “I need a drink.”

Jameson

Jameson is being consistent and is putting on the press. It’s not out of hand or anything; he’s just making it clear that he’d like all of whatever time and attention I’m willing to give to him. He’s said that he’d like to get back together and is, apparently, committed to demonstrating that.  Though we have a good time together and have really engaging conversations, getting back together isn’t on my radar at all and I don’t hide the ball about that. He’s aware of this, but insists that he really values our friendship and loves spending time with me. 

Earlier this month, he took me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and, afterwards, to see the new Bad Boys movie. The dinner portion was really part of a business transaction. Some time last year, he told me about a business that he wanted to start. Since I encourage people to pursue their ideas and dreams, I suggested that he do something small – like by the domain for it – to move the idea forward. A couple of weeks later, I followed up with him to see if he had made any movement. He had not. Some time a few weeks later, I followed up with him again to see if he had made any progress on his idea. He had not. As is consistent with how he does things sometimes, he had done nothing, so . . . I bought the domain name with the full intention of holding it ransom at a future date. This was all to prove a point to him. Handle your business, dude. Buying a domain name is a super cheap and easy way to start to solidify a project or idea. Eventually,  when we spoke again about the idea, I told him that I had bought his domain name and that it would cost him “ a little sumpthin’” to get it back. He recently decided that he was ready to retrieve his domain. I told him that I would take mercy on him and allow the payment to be in the form of a high-end dinner instead of a designer bag or something more costly.

Jameson also came over a couple of times this month bearing gifts. With the first gift, he called and asked me if he could stop by. “For what?” I asked. He said he wanted to bring me something. I had no idea what it was, but he assured me that it would be a short visit. 

He showed up with some vegan ice cream that was delicious! But that wasn’t the great part. What he had really come by to do was to show me the video from the helicopter trip he took me on last month. (By the way, I’m soooooo glad we did this prior to the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant. I’m not sure I would have been so comfortable going up in the copter after what tragically happened to them and the others who lost their lives.) What was so sweet was that he had the helicopter company put the video to one of my favorite songs, “Liberian Girl,” by Michael Jackson. 

I was in tears as we watched the video together, but didn’t really know why. Was it because the gesture was thoughtful? Was it because “Liberian Girl” tends to make me emotional anyway? Maybe I was emotional because I was on my period. I had no idea. I was just happy. I gave him a strong hug and told him how much I appreciated what he’d done.

Later in the month, he came bearing other gifts. Several months ago, he fixed a couple of things in my house. The projects were handled over a period of days. Since Jameson drinks a lot, he ended up drinking a pretty significant amount of the liquor I had on my bar cart. His consumption was significant enough that he made a point to say that he’d need to replenish it at some point in the future. I didn’t make mention of the alcohol he drank and I certainly didn’t request that he replace any of it. The alcohol was there for guests to consume. 

All I knew was that I wasn’t going to replace it.  Once the liquor ran out, I would not be buying any more. I didn’t want to put it in the budget. Not having it around would also mean that I’d be less likely to drink it myself. 

Fast forward to January – a few months later – Jameson texts me and tells me to choose 4 bottles of liquor. But there was a caveat – only one bottle could be Ciroc.

“Why can only one bottle be Ciroc?” I asked. 

“Because you’ll drink Ciroc without me.”

I do a lot of things without you, I thought to myself. He went on to explain that he wanted me to have other liquor options available for when I have guests (again, because I’ll likely drink the Ciroc). The explanation didn’t resonate with me but I was getting 4 bottles of liquor to put on my bar cart. I was willing to comply with the rules. 

I chose the following: Ciroc Mango (of course!), Apple Crown, Pinaud de Charentes (a fortified wine made with cognac), and Four Roses Small Batch Whiskey. I like each of the first 3 items. The Four Roses is to have when I have male company (the Apple Crown would work for that, too). 

In addition to the 4 bottles I selected, he brought a 5th bottle – a Japanese whiskey. He said it was for whenever he happens to come by. 

“So you’re leaving liquor at my house for you?”

“Yes,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. I gave him a look that said, well that’s audacious of you. I think he read the look because he went on to say that he just wants to know for sure that he’ll have something at my place to drink during those times when he comes over. It doesn’t happen regularly, but we do sometimes use his Firestick to binge on some show that I can’t access on mine. Our next binge session is supposed to be Power in a couple of weeks.

A couple of months ago, he asked me if I’d be willing to go on a cruise with him at the beginning of the year. 

“It’s possible,” I responded. I don’t spend a lot of time on hypothetical conversations with guys – particularly guys who aren’t my man. So, I didn’t rule out the possibility of going, but also wasn’t going to spend much time talking about it. If it were to become something he was serious about, I’d think about it and consider it more seriously at that time. 

Well, here we are at the beginning of the year and he brought it up again. He told me where he’d like to go. I asked him about the kind of experience he wanted to have (so I could see if lined up with the kind of experience I’d likely want to have). I told him that I wanted to have a non-Carnival, non-Royal Caribbean cruise line experience (because I’ve been on both of those) and that I’d heard that Virgin has started an adults only cruise. “Wouldn’t that be dope?” I asked. He agreed. 

“I’ll do some research,” he said. 

Cigar Bar

I haven’t seen Cigar Bar this month, but we’ve been in contact. We’ve only gone out twice and, despite his nightcap inquiry (most guys would love a nightcap, right?), I like him and want to get to know him better. 

He recently moved to my city and, since we’ve met, figuring out where he will live has been a top priority for him. We’ve talked about different parts of the city and he’s kept me updated on different areas he’s considered and places he viewed. When he recently decided to put an offer on a Midtown condo, he shared his excitement with me about that as well. 

We were supposed to go on a date last Saturday, but he asked for a raincheck because he was too far behind on his packing. He was moving out of corporate housing and into a hotel, while he waits to close on his new condo. 

He said he didn’t want to have “too much to do” the next day and hadn’t gotten enough of the packing done by the time we were nearing our date time. While I totally understand not wanting to have too much to do on a Sunday, the move I would have preferred he had made was to have still gone on our date and just done the packing he needed to do on Sunday. I’m not holding it against him; I’m just taking note that he preferred to have a leisurely Sunday versus hanging out with me on Saturday. 

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing.

~ Single Girl

Again – I get it. I’m that way, too. There is no one that I’m seeing right now for whom I will totally change my plans or for whom I will have myself jammed up for time.  The guy that has me willing to bend over backwards or inconvenience myself significantly is usually the guy who is my boyfriend or is on the track to being that. So, I do understand where Cigar Bar is coming from. But I’m paying attention. 

I think it is critically important that a single woman take note of what a man is actually doing versus what she’d like him to be doing. The key is seeing things for how they are, not as how we’d like them to be. That’s why I’m not irritated or mad at Cigar Bar for the choice that he made. I am, however, seeing clearly that he chose his packing over following through on our date.

Whole Foods (Formerly Whole Foods Joker)

We went out to lunch once this month. He asked me to go out another time, but I was focused on some work deadlines and, frankly, wasn’t willing to make the time. 

After our lunch, I started to side eye him because of some of the things he said (and didn’t say) at our most recent lunch. I may have said this before, but, I’m pretty aware of what people say, how they say it and what they don’t say. A story he told me at lunch didn’t line up with what he told me when he first met me. As his story unfolded, it became clear to me that he engaged in, at least, a semi lie when he first met me in the Whole Foods. It’s not a total lie, but, given the back story that he told me at lunch, he probably shouldn’t have made the statement when we first met. 

I’m still working on the facts of the whole shit (because after I pressed a little, he admitted that he wasn’t telling the whole story and wants to get to know me better before he does), but his approach is wack as hell. I told him as much during lunch. I said, “Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.” He said he would prefer to stop talking about it. Listening to him half tell what happened was getting painful and I wanted him to know that his approach wasn’t working favorably. 

Look. Clearly, you’re not telling the real story here. So, either you tell the whole, real story or consider not talking about it anymore.

~ single girl

The bottom line: I didn’t like that shit. If you have something in your past that you’re not proud of, just be honest about it and be done with it. Or be quiet. Who hasn’t made a bad decision or done something they wouldn’t do again? Either the person you want to date will be okay with it or they won’t. But, what’s worse is you coming across as a liar or a person whose stories have to be dissected for the truth. 
Here’s my other issue with Whole Foods: he comes off as old. He’s a handsome guy. He claims he’s only 55, but . . . I’m not totally convinced. He could pass for 60 to me. Granted, it would be a good-looking, well-dressed, nice-smelling 60, but . . . it’s still 60.  I’m trying to get past it, but I’m having a hard time.

The Original Whole Foods

The Original Whole Foods is a guy I dated about 10 years ago. I met him when I was out exercising at a nearby park. He was beautiful. He was jogging and . . . it was like he was moving in slow motion, with his bouncing pecs and biceps glistening with sweat. He stopped jogging to talk to me and ask me for my number. 

He was interesting, seemed pretty driven, was physically fit, and was a gentleman. In person and on paper he was my kind of guy. We ended up going out several times and would hang out periodically (since we live near one another), but nothing significant ever came of it. The last time I spoke with him was via text in 2018. 

Then, out of the blue, I get a text from him a couple of weeks ago asking if I’d be interested in catching up. I was reluctant at first. What’s his angle? This’ll be a waste of time. Then I remembered, it’s just dinner. Plus, I’ve always enjoyed spending time with him, so . . . it’s whatever.

I told him that I’d be fine with catching up. He said that he’ll be traveling until early February, but that he’d reach back out to set something up. We’ll see.  

The reason he’s called the Original Whole Foods is because, after we stopped dating, every time I’d run into him it would be at Whole Foods! One time I was in the bookstore next door to the Whole Foods (this was when bookstores were still a thing) with my boyfriend and he walked up on us and, basically, acted like my boyfriend wasn’t even there. My boyfriend didn’t make a scene, but, afterwards he said, “What the fuck? Does my forehead say ‘I’m a bitch ass dude’?!”

Anyway, ladies, what’s the takeaway here? You can meet single men at the Whole Foods.

Mr. All Black

After meeting at the grocery store (not a Whole Foods), I received a follow up text. Then I didn’t hear from him after that . . . until earlier this week. He apologized for not being in contact and explained that he was grieving the death of his best friend who passed away just after he and I met. Of course, I’m sorry for his loss.  

Our communications have been interesting. I say “interesting” in a good way, not in the “hmmm this looks like it could be some garbage, but we’ll see” kind of way. I love how insightfully he communicates and what he’s shared about himself so far. He’s mentioned that he’s abstinent. I think that’s dope. We’ve agreed to talk about it more when we see each other. 

Since he’s going to Miami this weekend for the Superbowl festivities, we have a date scheduled for next week, after he returns. I’m looking forward to it.

Whatchu got goin’ on? Any fun dates this month?