Though fiscal responsibility and debt repayment are my main focus right now, those aren’t the only parts of my life. I am still a single girl – a single girl who doesn’t intend to remain unattached forever. My last relationship, technically, ended in February of 2017, but I haven’t seen that joker since December of 2016. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up. I feel no type of way about it. He was a wonderful man in many ways and a complete nightmare in some others. Nonetheless, I believe I’m better for having been in that relationship. My hope is that he feels the same way.
The Gift of Indifference
Now I find myself in a unique position. I really don’t care about being in a relationship. Let me keep it all the way real: I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I’ve been feeling this way for about a year. This doesn’t come from an “I don’t need no man” kind of position. I really love men. It’s more of a feeling that the demands of a relationship – right now – aren’t a great fit for my life. If I was already in a relationship, it would be a different conversation. But, I’m not and I don’t feel any hunger or inclination to enter into one at this time.
I can’t recall having ever been this way in my dating life. Until recently, my interest in being in a committed relationship has been consistent throughout my adult life. I’ve had several periods of time during which I wasn’t a girlfriend, but during much of that time, I wanted to be someone’s girlfriend.
Most would say that for me to not care about being in a relationship is kinda bonkers for a 40-something single, childless gal like myself. When I say that I’m not interested in that right now, I’m being 100% forthright. The last time I even really, really liked someone was about 18 months ago – and he was an ex of mine who re-appeared on the scene.
In·dif·fer·ent
Adjective
Having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.
~ Oxford Dictionary
I don’t take credit for this blessing of indifference. It is a gift from God. It has to be because I’ve never really been this way. Though I haven’t been the type of girl to have a boyfriend just for the sake of saying that I have one, I do enjoy being in a relationship and I take being one’s romantic partner very seriously. I feel that if I’m in a relationship with a man, it is my job to make his life better, easier. Otherwise, why am I there? The same is true vice versa.
I classify my indifference as a blessing because there is freedom in aloofness. It feels amazing to not pine after a particular person or thing . . . to not be attached to any particular outcome. This position allows one to take actions and make decisions from a position of strength and genuineness – not based on fear or concern about what someone will think or whether that person will like or accept you for who you are. I truly consider this to be a gift because I’m not built like this. Really, I’m not. I, myself, am pretty amazed at my level of indifference I have right now.
As I’ve learned, a kind, but aloof woman, is also quite sexy to men. It adds to a woman’s confidence. Apparently, a woman over the age of 30 who doesn’t present even a hint of desperation is a little less common than one would think. A woman who doesn’t change her plans for a last minute 10 p.m. “date” with some dude who acts like he might like her a little bit is refreshing. A woman who isn’t so eager for attention that she acts as if she didn’t have a life before she met ol’ boy 5 minutes ago is intriguing. It’s particularly intriguing for men who do well for themselves, are attractive and are used to women responding very favorably and quickly to them.
“The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care that much.”
~ Sherry Argov, Why Men Love Bitches
Dating and Dollas
I’ve got a mountain of debt to pay off. I use the EveryDollar budgeting tool. My EveryDollar budget doesn’t include a dating line item. So I don’t have funds allocated to paying for dates. Occasionally, I’ll pay a tip or pay for some other low-cost item on a date. I usually take that money from the funds I’ve allocated for pocket change.
I’m traditional in many ways, so I don’t feel inept by not paying for dates. I’m the girl. He’s the guy. I don’t feel like a loser by not paying for us to go out. Frankly, if I felt an obligation to pay for dates, I simply wouldn’t do much, if any, dating. Though I enjoy dating, and am glad that I’m dating and have solid relationships with guys, I’m not hungry or desperate for any of it. So, if I date – great! If I don’t, that’s fine, too. Were I to find myself faced with the decision to either start spending or stop dating, I’d stop dating. Since I’m indifferent to being in a relationship right now, that’s an easy decision for me.
My goal of getting out of debt trumps any short-term desire for male companionship. As I move along my debt-free journey, I’m working on becoming the person I want to show up as when it’s time for me to be in my next relationship. What that version of me looks like, I’m not entirely sure. What I do know for sure is exactly who I don’t want my future me to be at that time – a chic bringing $350,000 of debt to the table.
My Man Foundation
I’m fortunate to have some great relationships with amazing, solid men. Foundationally, my father and I are close, we get along very well, and I love him tremendously. Though he never really spoke a lot about relationships when I was young, what he did say and demonstrate became well-ingrained in my “this is what I should do and how things should be” psyche. As one who has been married three times, he’s not the example for #marriage goals. But, what he did do was teach me from an early age what it meant to have a man whose word I could rely upon. If my father said that he was going to do something, he did it. If he said he was going to be somewhere, he was there. I always felt safe and secure around him. Unlike many of the women I know, I grew up not experiencing disappointment from the man who was the most important to me. He has given me confidence in my belief that there are great – albeit not perfect – men around – men who do what they say they will do, who respect and appreciate women, who value a healthy romantic relationship, who believe in marriage, and who believe in their role of being providers for their families. So, in my dating life, I expect a man to do what he says he will, and I expect him to be where he says he will be – and when. I’m not accustomed to being disappointed by men; disappointment is an exception. And though I clearly have some issues, daddy issues are not among them.
My little broski and I are also very close. He’s a very loving and thoughtful man. Between my father, my broski, some of the other men in my family, and my friends, I feel like I have a pretty healthy view on guys. I truly believe in the goodness of men. I don’t subscribe to rhetoric regarding the lack of good, available men. There may not be an abundance of such guys, but they do exist. I know and date some of them.
Then, there’s my crew of friends – the ones that are truly just friends, and the ones that would be glad to be a friend until it could be more. I’m really grateful for these guys. With them in my life, I don’t feel any lack for male attention. I’m thinking I will introduce you all to them some time in the future.
Mr. Nice for Now
I’m seeing someone now, consistently, but . . . it’s not serious. I can’t believe I’m even writing that because me and “consistent, but not serious,” have never gone together. Either it was consistent and serious or it was nothing.
A situationship is delightful to me right now. You mean, you won’t feel obligated to send me a “Good morning babe” text message every day? You mean, I don’t have to talk to you every day? You mean, I don’t have to engage in my normal next-level fabulous girlfriend routine? What?! Great. Good. I don’t have time for that right now anyway. This seems to be working out well for both of us. I’m focused on a particular goal. He’s not too far out of a tough marriage break up (about 2 years). Though he’s made it clear that he doesn’t love the fact that he’s had to get back out into the dating world, I get the feeling that he wants to take plenty of time to be and do as he wishes – without being attached or obligated to anyone but his child. Whatever the case, over the several months that we’ve been dating, he’s said nothing about defining our interaction or being in a committed relationship. I have not either.
Mr. Nice for Now is respectful, thoughtful, appears to be fiscally responsible, takes his role as a father to his daughter very seriously, and is reliable. I respect him. I like him. We have fun dates and enjoy the time we spend together. We see each other about every other weekend, with periodic meet-ups in between. He treats me well. For example, tonight we have a date to go to the gun range. This morning, he sent me the following text:
“Good morning, Sweetie. How’s it going? I plan on making dinner tonight and was wondering if salmon, lobster tails, shrimp cocktail and salad will be fine with you.”
Text Message, Mr. Nice for Now
The goodness of men must be acknowledged. :0)
What I love about my thing with Mr. Nice For Now is that whatever it is that we’re doing is, we both seem to understand the rules. He knows that I’m not some cut buddy that he can just text at midnight and ask, “Hey, can I come over?” He knows there’s more work involved with this. (Seriously, if sex is all a man wants from me, he learns quickly that I’m not the path of least pussy resistance. His time is better spent barking up another lady tree.) He knows that we’re dating. Dating requires dates. Not house, Netflix and chill dates, either. I’m talking about go outside and be somewhere dates.
He also knows that what he gets from me is easy breezy companionship with no demands. He knows that I’m not going to run behind him at all. At all. (I’m not runnin’ behind none of these dudes. If you want me, you want me. If you don’t, that’s fine. But I’m not going to try to convince, cajole, call you consistently, send you text messages, send you text messages pretending that they were intended for someone else in hopes of getting your attention, or any of those other actions that would be classified as “thirsty.” I’m not judging thirsty. I’m just saying that I’m not thirsty.) I’m not going to call him every day. I’m not going to text him morning, noon and night. I’m not going to ask him any questions about who he’s seeing. I’m not going to complain that I’m not seeing him enough (regardless of how often I see him or don’t). I don’t leave items at his house or in his car – ever. He didn’t even see my place for the first time until we had been dating for about 5 months. I’m not going to ask him to pay my bills. Most importantly, I’m not going to even think of forming my lips to ask, “What are we?”
I don’t know what we are but – whatever it is – it’s working for me. It’s also working for him. How do I know? Because we know that men do what works for them. They’re wonderfully gifted at getting their needs met. When something stops working for them, they disengage. I’m not mad at him or any of his brethren for that, either. If we women aren’t getting our needs met, that’s something on which we need to work. We can’t be mad at the guys for having that part figured out. So, until I manifest Vortexy Next Dude, this works well for me.
Mr. Vortexy Next Dude
While Mr. Nice for Now is working out okay for me, “okay” isn’t that to which I aspire. I’d like to manifest something new and different – a situation that will eventually lead to something serious. I’ve got a very clear picture of the man I want to have in my life during this phase of my life and the next. This next dude guy is in my vortex. (This post is long, as it is. If you don’t know what the vortex is, you may want to Google it.) He’s smart, he’s very comfortable and confident in his own skin, he does well for himself financially, he enjoys traveling and going out, he’s very physically attractive to me, we have aligned goals and values, and we have a physical and emotional chemistry. Additionally, he, like me, is in the midst of working on something important. It could be the building of a business, earning a PhD or getting in the best shape of his life. Whatever it is, it is something to which he is committed, and on which he wants to be laser focused at this time. He still wants companionship, affection, and attention, but doesn’t want to do all that is required in order to be a great relationship partner. He’s, basically, a reflection of me. But . . . he, unlike me, he has a line item in his EveryDollar budget dedicated to dating, so he can take us out on amazing dates.
He’ll get the same benefits as Mr. Nice for Now – companionship with a lack of commitment – while recognizing that this comes with some reasonable requirements. Other women find him to be emotionally unavailable at this time, so they get annoyed and upset with him. They get demanding and ask him a bunch of questions about why he doesn’t do this or that. I, on the other hand, don’t engage in such line of questioning. Why? Because, remember, I can’t be bothered right now.
Here’s the thing with Vortexy Next Dude: I want things to start out casually, but then I want them to eventually progress. After all, Vortexy Next Dude is an awesome guy! Though I can’t be bothered right now, there will come a time when I will want to be bothered again. And, ah! – it will be just at the time that Vortexy Next Dude wants to be bothered as well. By that time, I will have made tremendous headway on my debt paydown. He will have worked through whatever his focus project was at the time we started dating. We’ll realize how much we’ve enjoyed the progression of our relationship. We’ll then transition into a monogamous, committed relationship. Oh how beautiful things will be!
Will Single Girl succeed in manifesting Vortexy Next Dude? Now that I’ve put that all out there – Universe, please get to work.