I first learned this lesson while dating in my 20s. When it comes to dealing with men, sometimes you have to flip the fuck out. I mean you must fully come out of your normally cool and calm demeanor and let your inner firecracker loose. You do it for two reasons: (1) to make a point about what you will not allow and (2) to demonstrate that, should the unallowable continue, you’ll have to walk away. The overarching message is that you’re willing to let him go – so much so – that you’ll communicate with him in a manner that he may not deem to be demure or attractive. And you don’t care what he thinks about it.
Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage?
Fuck your white horse and a carriage
~ Rihanna, Needed Me , Roc Nation, 2014
A few nights ago, I went out with Whole Foods Joker. Not only did he redeem himself by “making up” for his scheduling snafu by getting me a massage at a 5-star hotel spa (more on that in this month’s Manscape report), but he also took us to one of the finer dining establishments in the city for our first date.
During dinner, he did a whole lot more talking than I did. That’s part of my dating style. I pay attention and I listen well. Men will say a lot if a woman learns to be quiet and listen without judgment. Key words: “quiet” and “without judgment”. You can judge him in your mind, but the more you keep your mouth shut about it in the initial phases, the more you’ll get to learn about who he really is and what he thinks. Once you sprinkle on your judgement, you risk getting the censored, not as authentic version of him.
The conversation got particularly interesting when we recounted the discussion we had, where I pretty much went bananas on his ass. Remember? When he neglected to let me know where we were going to meet for our first scheduled date (effectively, a no-call, no-show), he tried to suggest that we missed each other. What he should have done was acknowledge that he had totally dropped the ball. Instead of being “nice” and conceding to what I knew wasn’t true, I told him that it was unacceptable for him to act as if I had something to do with us not getting together. I reminded him that he was the one who told me that we would communicate prior to the time of the date in order to establish the location. I told him that failing to follow through on a date, then not reaching out about it until 2 days after the scheduled date was behavior that was not at all in line with all of what he had been saying to me about how badly he wanted to go out with me and get to know me. I very plainly told him that these were the shenanigans of a teenager, not a middle-aged man. Not making a date or having to cancel a date is not an issue. I’m busy. People are busy. Things come up. I get that and I have no problem with that. But, failing to call or text or anything, then having the audacity to try to partially blame it on me is thoroughly intolerable.
By the end of the conversation, he came to his senses. He stopped being defensive and admitted that he “blew it.” He apologized profusely and asked for another chance. I agreed. Here’s the text message he sent when we got off the phone.
Hello pretty lady. Just wanted to thank you for your understanding and forgiveness. The way you took over was amazing and I loved it! I’m not making any predictions, but damn, I like your feisty, classy style!! Lol.
~ Text Message, Whole Foods Joker
At dinner, he shared some of the aftermath of that conversation. He said that when he got off the phone with me that day, he said to himself, “That was awesome! I gotta learn more about this chick.” Another word he used to describe it was “refreshing.” I asked him what about the exchange was refreshing. He said it was refreshing to him because people “don’t do that to him.”
“People don’t check me,” he explained. Having learned a bit about him by that time in the dinner, I made some inferences about him. Based on my experience with guys like him – men who are attractive, who appear to have some money, and who have confidence – he’s right, they don’t get “checked” very often. Many of them are accustomed to women being tolerant of whatever they do because of the women’s desire to potentially have a romantic relationship with them.
He was dead wrong in his behavior, he knew he was wrong, and I called him out on it. Even though he tried, at one point, to convince me that I was being rude in telling him about his behavior, he admitted at our dinner that I was firm, but reasonable in how I told him off.
This is not an unusual response. I’ve generally gotten positive responses from men when I’ve communicated to them that something they’ve done is unacceptable. Or, if I’ve affirmed a standard of treatment that I expect. One might think that a guy would get upset or totally turned off after being confronted about poor behavior. But, I’ve experienced the opposite.
Whole Foods isn’t the only guy who responded this way in the pre-dating or early dating stages – where the guy did something unacceptable like a no-call, no-show. When I was in my 20s, one guy and I had a date scheduled and he called a couple of hours after the scheduled time of date, acting as if nothing had happened. I proceeded to tell him that I don’t “tolerate that shit from anyone in my life.” He was a good-looking guy who happened to drive a $100,000 BMW and seemed to have no trouble attracting women. After my little spaz out, he was very apologetic, asking for another chance to get together. To make it up, he said, “Lemme take you shopping. Let me get you something.” I liked him and wanted to get to know him, so I let him schedule another date and “get me something.” We ended up dating for several months. He was a great guy and I enjoyed him. I still think very fondly of him.
Guys know when they’ve done something that was out of line, rude or thoughtless. Though they’ll, initially, act as if they did nothing wrong – or worse – try to make it seem like the mishap is the woman’s fault, they know deep down that they acted improperly. When a woman has the courage to stand behind her standards and require that a man either take ownership of his actions or leave her alone, the guy respects that. He appreciates being with a woman who isn’t a pushover – who isn’t so enamored with him that she has lost all sense of how she should be treated.
He appreciates being with a woman who isn’t a pushover – who isn’t so enamored with him that she has lost all sense of how she should be treated.
~ Single Girl
People appreciate boundaries. They may not like them, but they respect the person who has them and stands behind them. Men are no different when it comes to how they view a woman. This is one thing I know, from experience, to be true.
I also think I’m pretty good at the flip out. I’ve identified 3 key things about a flip out in order for it to be effective:
(1) It Must Be Rational
When I say “flip out,” I’m not referring to someone being unreasonable or outrageous. You can’t engage in uncontrollable rage-filled, nonsensical squealing. Instead, you must speak facts. “You said X; you did Y. I expected X because you said X, therefore . . . you done fucked up. And that doesn’t work for me.” The tone of the conversation needs to be somewhat matter-of-fact, even though you may be mad as hell. It cannot be about you just spewing comments about your feelings. You also can’t make sweeping generalizations suggesting that he “always” does or “never” does something. It also can’t become a game of name-calling, as if he’s some all around loser. The conversation needs to focus on this particular indiscretion and how his handling of this particular matter is not acceptable.
(2) It Can’t Be A Pattern
In other words, it can’t be that you spaz out all the time over everything. He must already believe you to, generally, be a level-headed, reasonable woman. If you fuss over every little misstatement or error he makes, your flip out will come across as your typical behavior and it won’t be noteworthy. You should be a delightful woman to be around . . . until you’re not.
(3) He Has to Be Attracted to You
I hate to say this, but it’s the truth. If he’s not that into you, your flip out will fall on deaf ears and he’ll view your behavior as just another reason for why he doesn’t really want you. The flip out works best with the man who wants you and is interested in somehow staying connected to you. If you’ve been pursuing this man (i.e., initiating calls and texts or asking him when you’ll see him, instead of waiting for him to ask you out), flipping out on him when he does something disrespectful will likely have the opposite of your desired effect. That’s why I didn’t reach out to Whole Foods Joker when he missed our original date. I waited until he reached out to me a couple of days later – a time when he was seeking out my attention and conversation. If I had called him that Saturday (the day of our scheduled date) to express my disappointment, he probably would have been less receptive to what I was saying because he wasn’t in active pursuit of me at that time. He also admitted at our dinner that one reason he continued to pursue me was that he was really attracted to me and didn’t want to lose the opportunity to get to know me. If a man has only a lukewarm level of interest in you and you reach out to him when he’s not pursuing you, establishing boundaries is useless.
The bottom line is this: the flip out resets people’s boundaries of who they believe you are. It lets them know that, despite what they think they know about you, you can and will become ferocious if need be. Disrespect will not be tolerated.
When was your last flip out? And what was the result?